Why is it so hard to find a nice guy????

[FortunateOne]

Does anyone else feel like me? Where are all the nice guys who want something a bit more then fun? I do get out a lot and meet guys but no one seems to be looking for relationships. Very annoying feels like people just want fun fun fun.

 

It's funny how both sexes interpret "bad boys" and "nice guys" when the reality is they both approach women with the same mindset, "How can I conquer and get validation from the object of my obsession?"......

 

Think about it? Both male types are in it for a selfish satisfaction of their own physical and/or emotional needs. Wouldn't this be a hidden agenda? Either way they both are seeking an approval from a woman through a controlling narcissistic traits.

 

"Bad boys" want a woman that can be controlled and keep her guessing about his intentions. This type is so full of sh*t that they swagger around in a false confident attitude to make up for his inadequacies and insecurities with women, career and life. They rather victimize than be victims for the ultimate rush of feeding their childish tamtrums to continue the spoiling of themselves, since no one else will.

 

"Nice Guys" want to "guilt" the opposite sex into liking them for the falsehood they represent; "I'm a good person and thereforeeee deserve your love, admiration and SEX"... And when it's not returned, they show their true selfish colors in a passive aggressive manner. They blame it on society's view of their poor lot in life and develop a bi-polar opinion on what a woman is, Goddess vs B*tch. Once again feeding the childish spoiling of his self identity.

 

The answer that men need to learn is that healthy women are complex beigns that seek the same as a healthy "real man" does when in a healthy state of mind. We all want the acceptance of the opposite sex by the discerning choice of our healthy needs to complement us, not complete us. This is why we humans are attracted to confidence. We want a person that is not in need of a relationship to define or fill the missing parts of your journey through life, but a person that can add extra positive traits or love some one for the love itself without it affecting the good life one's built around spirituality, career, family, friends and sex.

 

To my fellow men I can only ask for you to grab yourself by the b*lls and impeach the negative world view you live in by creating a real environment that mentally, physicaly, emotionally and spiritually builds a "nest" that will define your true self. With this an awesome woman will take notice and will love you for who you are, not who you project you are.

 

As for the OP's question, I suggest you focus on building a life of joy around your career/school, friends, family and mind so that when you least expect it a "real man" will come into your life to complement you and what you represent as a healthy mature woman.

 

Take care and be positive with every one around you.

[Batya33]

That's not always true. I think assertive, altruistic people can, and probably will get walked on.

 

Of course they can, they just know how to assert themselves so that it happens less often and when it does the person who tried it knows that they should not try it again.

 

I do not equate niceness with shyness. I know nice people who are quiet and reserved and nice people who are very talkative. If nice is defined as passive/non-assertive, I know those types who are shy and not shy. So, no.

[mintblossom]

I'm starting to think that the myth of the nice guy is just that. A myth. You know...like a unicorn or leprachaun or something?

 

I've kissed my share of "princes" and seen them turn into warty frogs. So you know what? I think I'm just going to lock myself in a tower.

[musicguy]

there are nice guys around..girls just fail to find them.

[FortunateOne]

I'm starting to think that the myth of the nice guy is just that. A myth. You know...like a unicorn or leprachaun or something?

 

Yes, it's an illusion that turns into a delusion and the same goes to the idea of what a "good girl" and a "party girl" represents.

 

 

I've kissed my share of "princes" and seen them turn into warty frogs. So you know what? I think I'm just going to lock myself in a tower.

 

Wrong attitude. Just define what and who you are as an individual and then live it. As I stated a few posts ago "nice guys" are as sneaky as "bad boys" since they live a false illusion of what a "real man" should be in life. thereforeeee, by being real, intelligent and emotioanlly healthy you can attract a "real man" that will complement (not complete) the whole person you want to be. You must keep a positive attitude and continue the growth that will make you a wonderfull woman for that right man in your future.

 

 

there are nice guys around..girls just fail to find them.

 

I think not. Girls do find them. They just don't want them for the same reason they don't want a bad boy. The "nice guy" will manipulate them with soft feelings of friendship and sincerity in order to get the validation the he wants with the added benefits of sex. How sneaky is that? This in sales is what we call a soft sell. Notice how the "nice guy" vents on how he is "not being acknowledged by women" and blames them for going after jerks. Please. How do I know? I used to be a nice guy and after many years of evaluating the reason behind why I was ignored by women I found out that I was the probem, not women, society or "bad boys", but ME.

 

Back to the sales analogy; a "nice guy" is the soft sell and the "bad boy" is the hard sell. Either way it's the preasure sell to a prospect that they need the propduct regardless of the reality. Guess what? There are many buyers that regret the purchase. Wow! This means many women are disatisfied with the "nice guy" and "bad boy" once the reality of the sale sets in. Now a "real man" is the easy sell of the product to your prospect's wants or needs. This is the independance we all find so attractive in who we want to be with. Confidence in one's own life with out a care of who happens to be the love you want to share it with. This is the icing on the cake of life and what makes a loving relationship so full of trust, admiration and respect.

[SarahRose]

The nice guys exist, but a lot of them are their own downfall. I know plentely of the nice guys, but they have the complex that women don't like them because they're nice. A lot of my guy friends had to watch me date jerks, losers, etc. By constantly complaining and being negative, it is just a huge turn off. I recently lucked out with finding a nice guy who *doesn't* complain about how "nice guys finish last" and all that jazz. They're hard to find, but they exist.

 

I agree with this.

 

Lots of nice guys are pretty high maintenance. Their low self esteem causes them to do things that sabotage their relationships. Say a girl they think is really out of their league likes them then they ruin it so she rejects them as they they she must be stupid to like a loser like them.

 

Another thing is many are selfish and emotionally crippled. They start our being overkill with the affection; clingy and then they revert back to their normal distant selfish selves.

 

Plus the constant complaining about how bad life is and how everyone has done them wrong gets old. They are manipulative and passive aggressive too.

 

I ask why is it hard to find a decent halfway normal guy?

[poloplayer]

Hi,

 

Kudos to Batya and MoneyGod who made some excellect points in this thread.

 

Paraphrasing some of their points within the framework of my experiences:

 

1. Trying to find someone > might lead to something, but usually just disappointment. I have placed too great of an emphasis on meeting someone due to some reason(s) [i.e., been a while, loneliness, etc.].

 

2. Not trying to find someone > I am working on my life, which means my physical, mental, emotional, material and spiritual well-being. I don't have much of an emphasis (or any) on finding someone of the opposite sex. I am enjoying my life and, wow, people do tend to take notice and friendships form which lead to something more.

 

I'm sure these 2 can work together, but in my experience, when I do #1, then I stumble in #2. When I focus on #2, then #1 just happens or even flip-flops and someone finds me.

[skyblue1]

Looking at my past dates i have dated bad boys like pretty boys. Is there such a thing of pretty boy - nice guy?

[FortunateOne]

Looking at my past dates i have dated bad boys like pretty boys. Is there such a thing of pretty boy - nice guy?

 

No! You'd want to make a paradigm shift as to what a healthy "real man" definition is in your life before you find the right man for you. As I wrote before a "bad boy/pretty boy" and a "nice guy/doormat" are the same since they both use a hidden plan to convince you that they are worth the time.

 

My apology in advance if I offend you, but this question seems a bit shallow. You've dated pretty boys which leads me to believe that you focus on image, not substance. Also, you want a pretty boy nice guy combo which further leads me to think that you may need a bit more of alone time to soul search what you want from life. This, my fellow ENA'er, is called maturity.

 

If you seriously want to change your men selection status you need to reassess your world view. You may need to deal with some more profound emotional issues before you move forward with another date or deep relationship. These are serious life issues that will affect the rest of your life and the present is the best time to deal with your emotinal intelligence. You can be lead to the answer, but it's up to you to want the solution.

[musicguy]

I guess I have all of the qualities of the "nice guy" I tell girls how crappy girls treat me, how it's their loss if they pass me up for the jerk and when I get hurt by them I get mad at them and try to hurt them as much as they hurt me.

 

I'm not just a nice guy to get sex. Sex isn't all a relationship is about anyway, I'm nice because I'm myself and I'm not going to change who I am because some girl is not used to a nice guy, that's their own problem

[skyrocket]

well i consider myself a nice guy, abit bighead of myself to say that, however i am a sturn believer in that nice guys dont get anywhere, we tend to be overlooked, i am not saying you do this but at lot do.

 

 

i want to say that i am looking for a girl/lady to be with for a long term realationship, ok yes the sex part is important to me, however i have never had a realationship that has worked, so that would be better, mind you i have only ever had one realationship

[lifestream]

I think it's hard to differentiate between someone who treats another person WELL, and a person who is nice/needy.

You can be nice and still do a disservice to another person. You might think being nice is being a yes person, always giving what the other person wants. But in my opinion, that's fishing for approval. Anyone without at least a little bit of a backbone is unattractive, I'd say.

 

They say a relationship is about compromise. Yeah, I think so to an extent, but I find that many people compromise who they are as a person in order to fulfill another person's desires, and this leaves them hollow and fake.

 

On the other hand though, I know a couple of great guys, who don't complain and seem social but have been single for a while, but I guess many of us are caught up in the length between relationships than finding relationships that are fulfilling.

 

I'm such a scatterbrain

[Orlander]

Looking at my past dates i have dated bad boys like pretty boys. Is there such a thing of pretty boy - nice guy?

Um, yeah. We are definitely out there.

[skyblue1]

Well i hope so Orlander! I feel attraction draws you to the person but after the attraction thing their personalitly does count too. Thanks for everyone advice means a lot to me and it will give me faith.

[Leon]

The nice guys exist, but a lot of them are their own downfall. I know plentely of the nice guys, but they have the complex that women don't like them because they're nice. A lot of my guy friends had to watch me date jerks, losers, etc. By constantly complaining and being negative, it is just a huge turn off. I recently lucked out with finding a nice guy who *doesn't* complain about how "nice guys finish last" and all that jazz. They're hard to find, but they exist.

 

 

Umm, it's things like this that do that to "nice guys" they are negative because of people who critisize them and make them feel like dirt. They get neglected, their greatest qualities are ignored. They ask for help (looking for that small amount of hope) and get the same cliche' lines. They feel like there is something wrong with them but can't figure out what it is or how to solve it. And it goes on...every single day... How would you feel? I know I wouldn't be bouncin' around if I went through it.

[Leon]

I guess I have all of the qualities of the "nice guy" I tell girls how crappy girls treat me, how it's their loss if they pass me up for the jerk and when I get hurt by them I get mad at them and try to hurt them as much as they hurt me.

 

I'm not just a nice guy to get sex. Sex isn't all a relationship is about anyway, I'm nice because I'm myself and I'm not going to change who I am because some girl is not used to a nice guy, that's their own problem

 

Sorry for double post but I just gotta say I agree with your way of dealing with the girls that hurt you, by trying to hurt them back. I'm sorry... but sometimes pain is the only way for people to learn.

[musicguy]

Umm, it's things like this that do that to "nice guys" they are negative because of people who critisize them and make them feel like dirt. They get neglected, their greatest qualities are ignored. They ask for help (looking for that small amount of hope) and get the same cliche' lines. They feel like there is something wrong with them but can't figure out what it is or how to solve it. And it goes on...every single day... How would you feel? I know I wouldn't be bouncin' around if I went through it.

 

Leon, you rule! Great reply.. and he's so right too because I hear the same lines everyday.

[Leon]

Yeah I understand how you feel, I had some problems too, so I understand. Seeing a friend get rejected because their "too honest" doesn't help either... I seriously wanted to just knock the girl over the head with a bat when my friend told me that... What is wrong with people today? I kinda took a break from looking for a girl cause I got tired of the games and excuses and I got to the point that I was gonna have to start hurting some people's feelings. And I didn't wanna have to resort to that, I really didn't... So I took a break, for their sake, aswell as mine (but mostly theirs ). At least until some get their act together...

[musicguy]

yeah, a lot of people have told me to take a break from females too, but it's hard not to do that ya know

[Batya33]

I wouldn't call someone "too honest" but if honesty means spilling your guts right away about your initial feelings or hopes to someone you barely know, without regard to whether that person is ready to hear it, that's not honest, that's selfish. Too much openness to someone you don't know well can be overwhelming and even scary in the way of "wow - he seems a bit desperate/needy!"

 

As far as "nice" guys reacting to rejection by hurting women, well then that means to me that the guy in question wasn't that "nice" to begin with. To me, a good and genuine person, if rejected, would be disappointed, but have the self esteem to bounce back and try again. He would not want to hurt the person because he would realize that he has rejected people too that he wasn't attracted to. I am not saying the good guys should never get angry - of course they should - but acting out in the way you describe makes me wonder how "nice" the person was to begin with, as opposed to insecure and seeking approval.

[Zaphod]

Some people like the thrill of a rebel, a "bad boy" or "bad girl" and accept the tradeoffs that come with being in a serious relationship with someone like that.

 

It is possible to be nice and a hellraiser at the same time

[Batya33]

It is possible to be nice and a hellraiser at the same time

 

Interesting, but nothing to do with my post above.

[Zaphod]

Interesting, but nothing to do with my post above.[/quote

 

Sorry, I was just making a general point, as opposed to answering your post. Apologise if that was unclear

[Leon]

No, I mean honest as in telling the truth, not so much as being open. So there will be no excuses for jusifying lame reasons this time.

[Altruist]

I wouldn't call someone "too honest" but if honesty means spilling your guts right away about your initial feelings or hopes to someone you barely know, without regard to whether that person is ready to hear it, that's not honest, that's selfish. Too much openness to someone you don't know well can be overwhelming and even scary in the way of "wow - he seems a bit desperate/needy!"

 

 

The bottom line is that nice and gentle just doesn't cut as far as relationships are concerned. Women willl generally lose respect for you if you get the overwhelming desire to routinely pour out your feelings and aspirations and get all mushy. They take it as a sign that the guy is progressing too fast and is already in 'relationship mode' before the two have had a chance to get to know each other.

 

To the guys, let her girlfriends do the spilling of guts and all the other mushy stuff - she'll sympathise with that. If it's coming from you she won't. Its best to bottle up those feelings and provoke the outcry "My bf is so insensitive..." At least she won't leave you for that.