Relationships and money

[justme5]

I've recently had a windfall that turned out to be greater than expected. Things are good, really good. I'm pretty conservative so I have reinvested it and still drive a ratty japanese car from 1994. I got to this success due to hard work and honestly, I'm pretty smart. I also got very very lucky.

 

That being said, I've experienced something that is really bothering me lately in many of my relationships. Some of my family and many of my friends have become overbearing. Everyone with an opinion feels they can cross the boundaries and tell me what I "should" do with my money. They also posture a lot and compete about things they never used to. This has become so relentless that I've shut down and avoided most of them. Having laid back conversations about the weather is a thing of the past. Every conversation I have with many of these involves some sort of competition. I feel that these people are far from giving me credit for the success that I earned. By myself. Without any of their help.

 

There are a couple of friends that have remained positive and the conversations are pleasant and rewarding, but they are the minority. I've come to the conclusion that I have an awful lot of negative people in my life, and some are looking for a hand out. My father went as far as to joke that if I died the first thing he'd do was buy himself a brand new car. He was fishing for me to buy him a car. I haven't even bought myself a new one, but he hints at the car. I know he's not that heartless, but money really does bring out the control freak in people.

 

I feel better today because I've basically cut most of these people out for the past week, but I was headed for a melt down. Every time I talked to one of these people, it was just filled with negativity and control. These people aren't letting me live my life, so the only thing I know how to do is withdraw. I don't know what else to do. I can't cut then out forever. Some I think I have to because the negativity is just too much. I don't know where it's coming from, but it really is overwhelming.

 

I could really use some serious advice on how to deal with these people before all of my relationships dry up due to something that was supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to me.

 

thanks

[n83]

Wow.. That's just bad manners. I guess one thing you could do is politely smile, and then say something like, "I'm glad you're thinking about what it's in my best interests, but I am too, so there's no need to worry about me." As for others "hinting" that you buy them things, why not just joke back? "Sure, if I die, I won't be needing my money anyways!" Or just ignore it.

 

Whether you have 10 bucks or 10 billion, it's not your job to take care of everyone else, nor are you obligated to follow their advice. You don't have to cut people out of your life, but you should recognize that they probably won't change, so you have to figure out ways to handle them. If it truly gets out of control, then try minimizing contact with those people that are giving you the most grief.

[justme5]

Thanks for the advice. Yeah, at some point when I've had some time I'm probably going to have to make a list of the worst and just be done.

 

It's hard though. I try to be humble and tolerant but it gets ridiculous. People would tell me where to invest, and tell me information (grossly inaccurate) about my company and initially I would smile and nod even though they didn't have the faintest clue about what they were talking about. I work in the investment world. Yet every guy with a 5,000 mutual fund is going to tell me how it's done. sigh.

 

I guess for now I'll stay away for a while. Then take some of these people in small doses. So tough though. I wish I understood what changed almost over night. Me or them?

[sophie274]

Did you broadcast the fact that you had this windfall? Do you bring it up in conversation?

 

If so, these people may think that your money is an acceptable subject of conversation.

 

If you've been quite private about the whole thing, keep it that way. If someone makes a joke about your money, joke back. If someone tries to give you advice, say politely but firmly that you are well informed, are happy with the decisions you have made, and do not wish to discuss the topic.

 

The interest should fade over time.

[justme5]

Initially I only told my father and my best friend. I've never been specific about figures though. Over time I have told my closest friends, although I've asked them not to talk to people about it. Unfortunately, I've seen first hand that some will tell others that I don't even know in front of me.

 

My father is one of the worst. He's asked about my will (I told him at this point I can't continue without one as there are a couple of family members I don't want in it), who's in it and how much they're getting. He's forceful about a lot of things. This is a man who never lifted a finger to help me on this journey. He's controlling because he believes (rightfully so) that he's the largest beneficiary because I'm divorced. This one will be the toughest to figure out. There's clearly resentment on both sides. I resent him for having to do this all on my own, he resents me for not giving him what he believes he's due. He figures he has a hand in all of this, presumably because he was my father.

 

With everyone else, I'm going to experiment with "I appreciate that point of view" and changing subjects. Last week I used this (not about finances, he was coaching me on something else unsolicited) tactic and excused myself to go to the restroom. When I got back I went somewhere else but he still followed me. To give me some more advice. lol THe planets are just aligned in a funky pattern I guess.

 

I guess I can be grateful that I don't have a boyfriend that will change on me and drive me nuts. The expression "money changes everything" isn't far off the mark. No matter how hard you try to stay the same.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

they tell lottery winners the first thing they should do is set up a blind trust or other way to claim the money not in their own name, because relatives just assume they deserve the share the wealth, and strangers and friends come out of the woodwork with sob stories for handouts and all kinds of schemes to get a piece of the money...

 

so i guess it is best to tell as few people as possible, but the cat is already out of the bag. even better than a will, set up a living trust or other vehicle to manage the money, then tell everyone the money is in trust and you can't tap it at will to buy them the latest toy..

 

and also to protect yourself... not that anyone you know will hire a hit man, but there are books out there about people who have inherited money or won the lottery, and some idiot 2nd cousin has them killed because they think they will inherit...

 

money can bring out the best in people, and you could share your wealth with deserving people and/or charities while alive or after death as beneficiaries to your trust...

 

and if you lose any friends because they are only interested in the money, then good riddance... make new friends, and DON'T tell them about the money if you want less trouble.

[justme5]

thanks for the good ideas bestrong. I'm a little leery of the blind trust. I'm going to have to look into both though, to see what the benefits are. In addition, not telling my father anything about it and changing the subject should prevent any further discussions on what charities I donate to and who's in my will. His position was that I shouldn't be "giving back" to the community because they never gave to me. In other words, he wants it all. Although I'm liable to die way after him.

 

I had a good long talk with one of two friends of mine that I can still trust. Moving forward, there's no sharing information about it, especially with my father.

 

I sure hope none of my immediate family is nuts enough to try anything stupid. But the woman that killed her husband for a boob job showed how stupid people get over a little money. There's this backwoodsy feeling of entitlement in some people. Most of my family doesn't know, fortunately. Especially since I have a greedy uncle who killed his wife over divorce/money.