Porn Addiction

[kate111]

Thank God I'm not dating any of you, porn haters! I was actually laughing at all the prejudice in this thread, then I thought more about it, and felt a little bit sorry, but not too much.

 

 

My gf and I have integrated porn into our sex life, no problem about it. The same way as we have integrated sex toys, and I've never thought that she is cheating me with a dildo (I mean, come on!)

 

Yes, my gf and I, both of us, watch porn. Each one of us does it alone, when feeling like a little bit of solo-action, and we also do it together, for more ideas and maybe a turn on, or background noise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

+1 I couldn't have worded it better.

 

Do you think I'm prejudiced?

 

I have integrated my man's porn into my sex life. I was FINE with it for three years. Never tried to control it at all. For me it was only fantasy.

 

But I have seen my boyfriend decline from somebody respectful of women to someone who admired girls with boob jobs, and makes sleazy comments about any attractive woman he meets.

 

I have had nothing against porn, but based on my own experiences I am beginning to think that for some it can spill over into real life. This thread is for EXAMINING that idea critically and analysing whether porn is a contributing factor.

 

Sorry but I think you may be guilty of a little reverse prejudice. Think about it.

[justpaisley]

Please show me a post where the problems were not related to:

 

a) Insecurity/low self steem in one of the partners.

 

b) Obsession in one of the partners.

 

 

Have fun!

 

I seem to remember you under a different but similar name jumping in on every porn-related post telling everyone with anti-porn views that they're insecure, no matter the issue. I assure you, I have no issues with insecurity, I just find porn to be morally and ethically reprehensible and would not tolerate it in my marriage. You would not be with someone who doesn't watch porn, I wouldn't be with someone who does. I don't see the problem here.

 

I'm also a firm believer in stopping any activity that causes strife in a relationship until the matter is completely resolved. If it is, indeed, insecurity or a low self-esteem, that matter should be resolved before the porn user decides to look at porn again.

[kate111]

Can I also add:

 

*I am not religious at all;

* Have used porn to masturbate and do not feel guilty about it;

* have experimented with quite a bit of sexual stuff.

 

I don't just say this stuff about porn because I am a prude (not implying anyone here is!).

[Suesser Tod]

Kate, I was not referring to you.

 

 

I seem to remember you under a different but similar name jumping in on every porn-related post telling everyone with anti-porn views that they're insecure, no matter the issue. I assure you, I have no issues with insecurity, I just find porn to be morally and ethically reprehensible and would not tolerate it in my marriage. You would not be with someone who doesn't watch porn, I wouldn't be with someone who does. I don't see the problem here.

 

Go ahead and do a search for "Süsser Tod", let me know if it appears on "every porn-related post".

[kate111]

I have always had a similar viewpoint to yours.

 

I'm just questioning whether it is always this way for everyone though. For me, yes, that is how I view porn. But for others I'm not sure.

[kate111]

Kate, I was not referring to you.

 

 

 

 

Go ahead and do a search for "Süsser Tod", let me know if it appears on "every porn-related post".

 

So what about me then?

[Suesser Tod]

So what about me then?

 

I dind't said anything about you.

[Northalius]

Saying we hate porn because of insecurity issues, is not accurate.

 

If the physical is where you draw the line, then that's you. There are those out there that are even more open than you, that don't mind their partner physically being with another person, sexually. Do they have the right to say you're insecure if you don't personally want that in your relationship?

 

I draw the line at the mental level, where it all begins. If given the ultimate choice, I'd rather have my girlfriend physically do something without her mind being on it (odd, I know, since the mind runs the physical, but just imagine here for a second), rather than: her not do it physically, but think about it, and lust after it. I care about the heart and mind above all else in a woman.

 

There's a difference between wanting a committed relationship, and having insecurities; there are lines to be drawn, we all have them. Just because your line is further down the road, and ours is way back there, doesn't mean we're insecure; we're simply not as open as you are, and we prefer it that way.

 

I happen to think that if it enters the mind, and is willingly kept there, it's the first step on a slippery slope to an unhealthy relationship; if not now, maybe in 5-10 years, no timeline, depending on the situation and person. Just my personal view on it.

[justpaisley]

If it works in your relationship, then that's great for you! If it's something you're willing to tolerate and enjoy participating in, again, fantastic. I just know it's not something I'd ever tolerate, and would be a dealbreaker in my marriage. I consider it to be a form of infidelity. We're just gonna have to agree to disagree, especially on porn itself being the problem. I have a friend who used to work in the industry and the stories he tells me make me livid - they're truly horrid, and it's a despicable industry.

 

Just (and not that you've done this) don't tell me that my husband is a caged animal dying to watch porn and the only reason he doesn't is that I'm the big mean wife lady who keeps him down, and don't tell me that I'm insecure because I won't tolerate my husband ogling other women and risking my son seeing it.

 

I also don't like wine. I do enjoy a good vodka though.

[shikashika]

I have always had a similar viewpoint to yours.

 

I'm just questioning whether it is always this way for everyone though. For me, yes, that is how I view porn. But for others I'm not sure.

 

Kate, I know... I think this topic has gone a little off topic from the original post

 

I know that you were more concerned about the fact that your boyfriend had changed so much... to all of a sudden go to a guy who only only only cares about silicon and dildos.

 

I agree is is very odd. I don't think porn was the cause of this.. but he had a problem with something in his life.. thats for sure... I don't know what it is.. Have you spoken to him about this since the breakup? I don't know if I would... Was your boyfriend obsessed with anything else in his life?

[kate111]

I dind't said anything about you.

 

Not saying you did.

 

I'm just asking for your analysis of my situation.

[shikashika]

ha ha.. no no caged animal... I do *actually* know of a man or two who doesn't admit to being a porn fiend

 

p.s don't go overboard on those vodka shots

[kate111]

Kate, I know... I think this topic has gone a little off topic from the original post

 

I know that you were more concerned about the fact that your boyfriend had changed so much... to all of a sudden go to a guy who only only only cares about silicon and dildos.

 

I agree is is very odd. I don't think porn was the cause of this.. but he had a problem with something in his life.. thats for sure... I don't know what it is.. Have you spoken to him about this since the breakup? I don't know if I would... Was your boyfriend obsessed with anything else in his life?

 

No I'm doing no contact. Hes not worth it, I know that now.

 

I don't know if porn was a symptom of a shallow person emerging or whether it was one of the causes.

[Suesser Tod]

Not saying you did.

 

I'm just asking for your analysis of my situation.

 

Let me re-read the entire thread, guess I lost focus on what it was about.

[justpaisley]

I have always had a similar viewpoint to yours.

 

I'm just questioning whether it is always this way for everyone though. For me, yes, that is how I view porn. But for others I'm not sure.

 

Definitely not - the issue of porn is very individualized, as you can see on this thread. (Sorry it's been hijacked, it's one of those topics that always starts discussions.) Some people like it, some people don't. Among those who do like it, each has their own varying degree of tolerance and preference. When one is in a relationship, one must always find compromise in all areas, including this one. This is not an issue I've ever had to compromise on because neither my husband (with whom I've been since I was 20) nor the boyfriend I had before him are into porn, but I've made it clear that it, along with infidelity, abuse, and addiction (along with a few other things peppered in there) were dealbreakers.

 

Your ex clearly had a problem, like I said, if he left you, a real-life person, to pursue porn sex and wanted to compare you with women who were "less than real." I really think you're better off without him, and hopefully you'll find a person without an addictive personality with whom you can willingly compromise on this subject. Don't let this boyfriend cloud your views of future men; they're not all porn freaks

 

Good luck to you, and I'll stop hijacking your thread now. I should have gone to sleep two hours ago but I wasn't tired. Getting there now!

[shikashika]

No I'm doing no contact. Hes not worth it, I know that now.

 

I don't know if porn was a symptom of a shallow person emerging or whether it was one of the causes.

 

Personally I don't think porn was one of the causes ( i could be wrong!)

 

if porn wasn't there, there may have been something else that he woudl have become obsessed with... drink, drugs, spending habits, eating too much junk food etc etc

 

Anything in moderation is fine, even the drink and recreational drugs, the occasional shopping trip.. but eating too many chocolates can be come a problem too. Chocolate, nor wine nor buying things are a problem... but too much of it is.

 

Is / Was there anything else in his life he was obsessed with?

[kate111]

Paisley you shouldn't have to stop posting in this thread.

 

Everyone has their own ideas and experiences and it would be great if this could be discussed maturely.

 

Dako: I find too much porn dull as well. A little is fine but not at every meal. Not saying my boyfriend wanted to watch it with me every day. BUt he certainly looked at it every day, got a plasma for this purpose and I noticed his attitude to women in real life changed.

[kate111]

Personally I don't think porn was one of the causes ( i could be wrong!)

 

if porn wasn't there, there may have been something else that he woudl have become obsessed with... drink, drugs, spending habits, eating too much junk food etc etc

 

Anything in moderation is fine, even the drink and recreational drugs, the occasional shopping trip.. but eating too many chocolates can be come a problem too. Chocolate, nor wine nor buying things are a problem... but too much of it is.

 

Is / Was there anything else in his life he was obsessed with?

 

Nope he has been obsessed with it all is life. He just didn't have access to it. When he got the net he got access.

[Suesser Tod]

How long were you two together?

 

 

Here is what I think...

 

 

But towards the end of the relationship his character changed a bit. He would always make comments about women's appearance, talk about girls who got boob jobs etc. He started expecting me to buy more clothes, wear more makeup and told me I was "letting myself go".

 

Torwards the end of the relationship. I think that the change of attitude was related to his feelings changing. He was not that much into you anymore, so he lost that self restrain that he had before.

 

So basically I would say that you got to know the true him.

 

He kept going on about us having threesomes, sex with other couples etc which I told him I wasn't really into.

 

Shows how little he cared about you and your feelings torwards the end.

 

Why should he keep all those thoughts hidden if she didn't cared for you anymore, and didn't cared about continuing the relationship?

 

 

Now, something interesting...

 

Now he judges a woman on her sexual appearance and makes comments about any female he meets. His brother is worse, he makes really crude "locker room" comments about woman he has shagged. It used to make me feel bad when I listened to it. Was it my insecurity?

 

I'm not sure if the porn was making him like that or if he just started behaving that way out or if that is ridiculous.

 

 

So it may have something to do with his education, values, upbringing. Something that he may have learnt at home or during his life.

 

I really doubt it was related to porn, to me it looks like he didn't cared for you and had a machist background education.

 

Now, all of that was hidden to you until his feelings for you started to fade.

[kate111]

Thank you for your honesty.

 

PS. Bastard! No respect.

 

He is history.

[shikashika]

Nope he has been obsessed with it all is life. He just didn't have access to it. When he got the net he got access.

 

hmnn..I don't know then.. I can see why a teenage boy may be become obsessed for a little while because its daring and naughty.. but I dont' get it when someone older all of a sudden decides to watch it all the time.. I really don't. i dont' know why one would ever become OBSESSED with porn to the point they compare real relationships to some silly shag they see on a DVD or that they downloaded.

 

As I've said, porn is good and fun in small doses but I dont' know what its like to let it overtake one's life.

 

Sorry.. I know thats not the answer you are looking for!

[kate111]

hmnn..I don't know then.. I can see why a teenage boy may be become obsessed for a little while because its daring and naughty.. but I dont' get it when someone older all of a sudden decides to watch it all the time.. I really don't. i dont' know why one would ever become OBSESSED with porn to the point they compare real relationships to some silly shag they see on a DVD or that they downloaded.

 

As I've said, porn is good and fun in small doses but I dont' know what its like to let it overtake one's life.

 

Sorry.. I know thats not the answer you are looking for!

 

Yes I completely agree.

[g1234567890h]

Pornography is simply a drug. It's not particularly good for you, but it feels good. It's an addictive drug, so if you become dependent on it you will be in trouble. Pornography dependence leads to unhealthy view of sexual relationships.

 

I had been briefly involved in the pornography business and let me tell you, it's really not fun. I was a writer and I was paid to come up with pornographic stories. I'm an erotic writer (there is a huge difference between erotica and pornography) so I wrote some good erotica but they weren't looking for good erotica, they were looking for porn. I sat down and wrote a thousand words of really bad pornography. I did it. It felt really bad and wound up refusing to sell the story because I hated it so much.

 

I'll write a manual about how to build bombs using household products. I'll write a recipie for anarchy. I'll write a manifesto bringing down the government. I'll write about death, suicide, destruction, rape, and anything that will challenge me but I draw the line at porn.

[Orlander]

Pornography IS like a drug with different people handling it and using it for different reasons. It's sad, but I would rather have watched porn than had sex with my last girlfriend. It was more of a symptom of something else though...of an imcompatibility or unreadiness on my part to really become intimate with her.

 

My ex always very sexual, but had no idea of how passionate and sexual I really was. I would turn her down constantly for sex.

 

I don't use pornography anymore. I believe it desensitizes us emotionally and even weakens the connections we have with others. I also see it as cheating and won't even fantasize about another woman while I am in a relationship anymore, at least not in my future relationships. But, that's just me. Everyone is different. Some people see it as a sin and others see it as something to share between two people who love each other. Who am i to say what is truly wrong or right.

 

 

Orlander

[jonvon]

Thankyou so much. I just get so incredibly mad when complete strangers tell me that he's probably doing behind my back, lying to me, that I'm selfish, that I'm insecure and that I am "missing out on something".

 

I am ridiculously happy in my porn-free life.

 

I'm happy to see someone else is too.

 

There is no man on earth that doesn't masturbate, and when your boyfriend masturbates he's probably using some form of visual stimulation.. it could be a maxim magazine, your victoria secret catalogue, or it could be a playboy magazine or a porno dvd or a cd of downloaded internet porn he has hidden away somewhere.. Or maybe he's using the computer and erasing the browser history when he's done. You obviously trust him but masturbating to porn is something nearly all men do, and something most men have little trouble hiding from their partners, roomates, or parents. It's not hard to hide, at all.