Worst Valentines Day...

[kurobaxkaito]

Today, I go over to my girlfriend's house and sneak through the window because her dad dislikes me for some reason. I give her my valentines gift, she gives me chocolate and that should have been it. Her dad comes home as I was leaving out the window and he walks into my girlfriend's room without knocking. I was standing by the window and her dad pop's his head out the window to see why it was open and catches me.

 

I know I have done something wrong but that is not the problem. He yells at us for a couple mins (30 mins) and he gets so angry that he rages towards my girlfriend and slap/kicks her a couple times. Right then her aunt came to pick her up for tutoring and she stopped him. He told her to go to tutoring or else he would kill her which I thought was a problem.

 

Some things that happened

• took her cell phone
  
• ripped of her cell phone accessories and threw it in the bushes
  
• broke the plate my girlfriend gave me chocolates in
  

 

He was most angry how us being together has brought down her grades (or so he says) but we hardly see each other. As I see it, it's a typical asian father who wants to be over protective of her daughter. I told him that I understand I have done something bad and will never come again but I just don't know what to do.... Any comments? Questions? All details are NOT included.

[Mythical_Suicide]

If he was kicking/Hitting her she needs to get out of there ASAP! Maybe you need to bring this up to maybe a school counselor or something and get this girl some help. I don't care how mad a parent gets their child doesn't need to be hit on. The three things that you listed that i guess stood out to you? Isn't important at all! The things t hat are important and need to be pointed out to someone is the abuse. Her father isn't being protective he has crossed that line along time ago he's being controlling and VERY abusive get help for your gf.

[melrich]

There is no excuse for his behaviour but I am not sure what you can do about it. The problem seems to have gone way beyond fronting up to him and apologising.

 

As much as I feel sorry for you and your girlfriend, maybe it is best to leave things alone for a while. The risks seem too great.

[kurobaxkaito]

I agree with the controlling. Also, I might want to say that he is invading privacy. When he was talking to me, he said that he has read ALL of our email/chat conversations. He also started to read through the text messages that I've sent to her when he took it away from her. I have heard from my girlfriend that he has went to therapy a couple of times but he blamed the therapist that HE is wrong. He denied that he is mentally ill on at LEAST 3 therapist that he've seen. If a professional therapist can't help, who can?

Also, she has been pressured by her dad to get good grades at school and now has about 5 tutors. She also has no time for herself except on monday (when she doesn't has a tutor). She also can not go shopping with her friends unless the dad knows their PARENTS first. She can not go shopping with ANY guys no matter what.

 

- She also ran away from home a while back once because she felt that he is pressuring her too much.

[Hope75]

The abuse is absolutely unacceptable- and your gf can and should contact the police/social services about it. No child should ever be hit/punched and kicked- no matter how angry the parents are.

 

How old are you both?

 

I agree with Melrich that at this time you should back off. If she is a minor she is unfortunately under her parents control and if you being present makes it that much worse for her than she needs to contact the authorities and you need to back off until she is removed from the home and taken to a safe place- and if her guardians allow her date.

[Mythical_Suicide]

Well, hun, as long as she's under 18 and living under her parents roof they have the right to expect her to get good grades and also have the right as parents to know who their child is hanging out with. Maybe you dont' understand this quite yet as you aren't a parent but you know I used to think my parents were the worst because they always wanted to know who I was with or where I was but you know what once I had my son it all changed and I understood why they were doing it. The controlling part and abuse, isn't good but as sad as it if he's paying for the cellphone and internet he does have a right to go through it. I know you and alot of other people may disagree but it is pretty much is property so he has the right to read and do whatever he wants with it.

[kurobaxkaito]

I will agree which how he has the right to EXPECT her to get good grades and know who's she's with but I did not know they have the right to read emails and chat. As for the distance, yes I am stupid but not that stupid. I will leave distance between us as we don't even go to the same school. I just felt that I needed to talk to someone because I did not know if what her dad was doing was okay or not. For the social worker/police, I was thinking about that too but I don't know how she would think about that. I don't think I should make the call but she does. The sad thing is that this is not the first time she's been hit and I felt so sorry for her because of what I've seen today. Her dad seems very abusive and he almost punched me. He raised his hands towards me but he did not strike..... confused.

[Mythical_Suicide]

She needs to be the one to tells omeone and get help. As she is the one being affected by the outcome of it. It's great of you that you're worried about her just be there from a distance for her.

[Hope75]

I will agree which how he has the right to EXPECT her to get good grades and know who's she's with but I did not know they have the right to read emails and chat.

 

Unfortunately if she is a minor than yes her parents have the right to read what she's doing on the internet and monitor her conversations.

 

She wants you to make the call to social services- but she will have to substantiate what you are going to tell them- if she denies it or acts like she doesn't know what you are talking about it will only make you look like a fool and get her nowhere.

 

Has she talked to this aunt about finding a safe place to stay- possibly with her? Did the aunt actually witness her father beating her?

[kurobaxkaito]

Yes, her aunt walked in as the father kicked her in the stomach. She quickly rushed to him and stopped him. Then she came to the window where I was standing and told me that I should leave. I figured it was my fault so I stay and let her dad yell at me until he's got it out of his mind but she told me that I should leave. Then her dad jumped out the window and pushed me towards the gate without a word. Her aunt then met up in the front with me and had a good bye while keeping her father away. I felt that my girlfriend would be safe with her aunt so I left as I was instructed.

[CarnelianButterfly]

Call the police!

 

Tell them what you saw, this is not right!

[Hope75]

Is there any reason you know of that her aunt would not call the police?

 

Can she stay with her?

 

She really needs to contact social services, preferably while she is with her aunt so that the aunt can back up her story about what happened.

[kurobaxkaito]

I have no idea what is going on right now. I hope she is going to stay with her aunt until her dad cools off a bit but I'm not so sure about the social worker stuff. Her aunt will probably back up my girlfriend (like all normal people) but I am not so sure if she will get to the point of calling the police/social workers. I am not sure if my girlfriend will want me to call so I have to talk to her about it (when I actually do see her.... don't know when that is) but what kind of things can happen to the father? I am just curious what will happen if she does decide to contact the police/ social worker. Thanks

[CarnelianButterfly]

He could go to jail. She could be removed from his house hold. There could be a lot of things that happen. Either way, something needs to be done, think of the damage being done to her every time he kicks or hits her. One kick in the right spot and he could very well kill her.

[renaissancewoman101]

Not defending her father's actions, but he may NOT see what he did as really BAD per se. It seems that Asian culture condones corporal punishment, much more than American culture does, and they don't see it as being wrong, but as teaching the kids from doing right from wrong. I grew up being hit by my mother with chopsticks, slapped accross the head, hit in the head, etc. I've also seen Asian friends of mines be slapped on the head, hit with chopsticks, spanked hard with chopsticks, etc. In many ways, people in Asian culture dont see that as being wrong.

 

My dad never hit me or punished me like that. I respected my dad and listened to him, but I spent most of my time very resentful of my mother.

 

Just pointing this out to you, so you can understand where she and her family may be coming from, hence maybe she or her aunt doesnt want to get CPS involved.

[kurobaxkaito]

renaissancewoman, I highly agree with you. I come from a asian family too and I used to get hit over the head etc etc like you have mentioned (not chopsticks though. hahaha) but it had limited. To her dad, it was as if there was no limits just watching the way he took out the anger on her. I couldn't stand watching her getting slapped and kicked all over. The thing I have not mentioned and I know this is SERIOUS is that her father has threatened to kill her.... When her aunt came to pick her up for tutoring, she said she will not leave until he let's me go. Her father's response to that was "I will kill you. You know me by now" in japanese. May not be the exact words but it is close enough. My girlfriend was surprised by that and did not know how to respond. I'm sure that it was just to scare her but I felt that he may have been a bit serious at the point where he said "You should know me by now".

 

I know the responses will be to call the police/authorities but like I said earlier, I should not be making decisions for my girlfriend and I am hoping that she is working it out with her aunt.

[88cookie]

who cares what your culture is, this is freaking America!! we have laws and rules you cannot hit your anyone without possibly getting trouble. what fool are you, call the cops you dope!

[Skippy]

Geeezzzz... so many people here has given advice and have no idea of asian culture. DO not measure western culture and asuan culture on the same level!! they arent the same!

As for the poster, to be honest, yo are the one to blame. Asian culture are VERY protective of their daughters, even more so when they are under age of 21. Education comes first in the asian community with NO compromise.

You wonder why the father doesnt like you?? let me tell you why, it is very disrepectful not the greet the main family member of the house. It shows very bad character to sneak around. it show shiity character sneaking thru a windows especially into the daughter room. (and you wonder why he doesn't like you) Mate, you want him to respect you ?? start growing up and start doing the correct thing and not sneaking around. As for being asked to leave, you should have left. (do what your elders ask you to do)

 

Before you decide to have any relationship with this girl yo have better start learning the asian culture and the way how they handle situations.

 

Abuse is not correct and i am not there to say whether he kicked her in the stomach. I think in this situation it is an asian thing.

 

88cookie.. you are ignorant. The world is filled wit many different cultures and thus diferent ways of doing things. Holding or disregarding other people culture and measuring them to the American culture is so full of crap. Have you resently looked at the american ways of doing things the the failure of the america parenting skills? Get off you high horse and educate yourself before you make daft comment like that. It make me wonder why american thinks it has such a good system when it has one of the high gun death rates in the developed countries. Canada has also the similar gun laws but they have a fraction of crimes compared to america. Just remember something, America does NOT set the standard of good parenting techiques so thus you should NOT expect people to believe in it.

 

Just because you live in america it doesnt mean the someone has to give up their cultural parental techiques.

 

I am not saying that i am for Abuse, in fact i am very much against abuse, but throwing the Ameican crap just pisses me off. It so ignorant and self rightous.

[88cookie]

all i know is if my parents were hitting me, i wouldnt care if he was jackie chan i would call the cops. culture doesnt mean de-meaning your own children by bashing their skulls in, that makes absoultly no sense

 

 

edit: if you are outside of america, then oh well, but in america we have laws and they get enforced

[lifestream]

I agree that different cultures have different ways of doing things, but if this is the kind of abuse that goes on inside a majority of households then cultural relativism is a joke!

 

American parenting isn't something to be admired, but he never said they were! He merely said abuse cannot be tolerated given the legal standards set in this country, and to say that laws are completely relative is nonsense! It's like saying like every culture's way of doing things is correct because it's relative. Who can condone ethnic cleansing then, if one culture believes they are superior to another? You can't criticize it if everything's relative.

In cases where people are being physically, emotionally or mentally abused in this way (which is rather significant), cultural relativism is NOT a valid method of defense.

 

To blame the poster is like blaming a victim of rape for being raped. It's absolutely ridiculous! Yeah, he's the one to blame insofar as he snuck around and should know that in the asian (which really does no justice as it's a very diverse continent) culture they are extremely protective of their daughters. At the same time how is the boy to know that the father would physically assault his daughter and utter death threats??

 

Yeah, I'd be pissed as well if this were my daughter, however I'm still ultumately responsible for physical and mental trauma inflicted on my child. If you blame the poster we might as well allow crimes of passion to be legal.

Welcome to the age of Napoleon, everyone!

[kurobaxkaito]

skippy, about the greeting the man of the house thing, you do not know everything that has happened. I have seen him a couple of times and talked to him face to face and the moment he met me, he did not like me right away. Like I said, I am japanese and I know how the asian culture things work. I very much know what I have done is bad but that isn't the problem I wanted to discuss. I really thought the violence that is going around in her house is right.

[88cookie]

yeah i didnt really mean to blame the poster, but im not taking back my comments about abuse wont be tolerated by law cuz it is true. the poster can help though, although he shouldnt be of blame, that douche bag of a parent is to blame and if i were the child he would of been in jail a long time ago

[kurobaxkaito]

interesting how most say to contact police about this matter but you have to consider it from her point of view. If she was to contact police and get her father arrested, what would happen to her? I don't think she wants to do so, it's just me talking about an event that happened today what I was a bit unsure of. Obviously this is not something that happens everyday and I was just wondering if it matters that this happened because of what we did. What should I tell her?

[88cookie]

it's called addition by subtraction buddy, better in the long run. but if this is the first and only time it's happened, just watch out in the future

[CarnelianButterfly]

So you think she would rather be beaten then be free of an overbearing jerk that thinks he can treat his kid like dirt?