Am I evil?

[emit_remmus]

I feel I can forgive myself now, but I still want to change into a better person. I have no clue what else I can do better than what I am already.

[caro33]

It's going to sound bland maybe, but I think the best thing to aim for is to be as generous spirited with others as you can stand. Give people the benefit of the doubt, including yourself. Do this but without being a pushover. Act with integrity - try not to gossip, break confidences or act unreliably.

 

Don't judge yourself too hard, do what you can to work out what excites you, what gives you some energy. Maybe you just haven't found it yet, but that doesn't mean it's not there.

 

I think that perhaps the most important thing is for you to look at yourself impassively if you can. Try to see yourself from the outside and ask if YOU would be friends with, or go out with, you. If the answer is "no" then ask yourself why not, and maybe effect the changes you need to from there. But any changes that you make must be consistent with who you are. Don't become something you definitely aren't.

 

My final "don't" is please don't get too melodramatic about things. You're not evil, this is not a fight between good and bad for your soul. You're a young person who has had some difficult times maybe, but you'll continue to grow, you'll find ways to be happy. Treating people better should come naturally as you feel more comfortable with who you are.

[Locke2121]

You say you tried to break free from the religious bonds placed on you by your parents...yet you cling to the concepts of good and evil, God and Satan? Do you even believe in Satan? I don't. While I can percive of beings of great evil, good and evil are simply two sides of the same coin. Even those beings have to have some good in them, or they couldn't exist! You can't HAVE good without evil, nor vice versa.

 

No, your not evil, your simply confused. You are a scared little boy wrapped in a thick, protective shell that keeps that boy safe from any harm or danger, just like he was exposed to when he was growing up. You say you feel no emotion, or is it that you deny yourself emotion because you know that to feel, you must also become empathic to the feelings of others, people who could cause you to feel pain, much like when you were growing up.

 

You want to break free. That little boy is screaming to be let out, to show his face to the light of day. Trying to convince yourself that your evil, then helping people won't do it though. Your not helping people to help, your doing it for your own selfish reasons. That only thickens the shell. You are not evil...your scared, confused and alone. But that will change. Don't try to do good things that you don't believe in, its fake and you know it is. You need to talk to someone, anyone. Just talk about all the bad things in your life. This, little by little, will chip away at that shell until the boy inside can come screaming out into the sunlight.

 

This may sound silly, but trust me. Go to the nearest nursery. Find a nice little potted pine and take it home. Set in in a window sill and take care of it. You may not feel anything at first, but you have just become responsible for another life. Read up on trees, learn what they need to survive. Sooner or later, and I'm not joking, you will find yourself taking care of the tree and talking to it. You will tell it your fears, angry thoughts, needs and wants. You can do this because this is a living creature who will listen, and won't judge you. Sooner or later, you'll find yourself crying as you reveal the horrors of your life. When that happens, your shell will be cracking.

 

That will be the time to carefully take the tree outside and plant it. You don't need it anymore. You will be ready to talk to people, to open up and share your life with others.

 

May the Gods bless you and give you the strength you need.

[Dako]

Are you in Texas?

[Brooke657]

I don't think your evil but I kinda feel bad for your friends and family...I mean if your "manupulative to an extent, and I am lustful; I cannot think of any time where I have cared for someone" it'd suck to be someone who cared about you.

[emit_remmus]

Are you in Texas?

 

I want to move.

[Bethany]

Joining this a little late...

 

I have studied extensively "The Workplace Sociopath". The general profile seems to be that they enjoy psychlogically hurting others, they enjoy psychlogically controlling, destroying and eliminating their target.

Here is a small insight on a sociopath and his mindset from link removed...

 

"The sociopath bully’s deliberate intention isto psychologically control and destroy their target,whilst deceiving everyone around them. He has a Jekyll & Hyde nature - vicious and vindictive in private, but innocent and charming in front of witnesses; no-one can (or wants to) believe this individual has a vindictive nature - only the current target of the bully's aggression sees both sides; whilst the Jekyll side is described as "charming" and convincing enough to deceive personnel, management and a tribunal, the Hyde side is frequently described as "evil"; Hyde is the real person, Jekyll is an act. He has a compulsive need to control, dominate, and subjugate . The sociopath will have an obsession with elimination once he realizes that subjugation is not possible. His biggest fear is exposure and will destroy without conscience or remorse any person who sees through his mask and who tries to expose him. There is no time limit to his vindictiveness."

 

I am not a psychiatrist b ut I am inclined to believe that in my extensive studies that if you are worried about being a sociopath, then your not. Sociopaths do not have that capablilty, they only worry that they are not getting their own way or that they are being exposed, hence the targets elimination.

[Emka]

But if you really don't care why did you write this posting?

I loved your posting. But why did you write it?

If you didn't care and really were a 'psychopath' you wouldn't have bothered.

I think people act in certain ways for so many complicated reasons. I don't know whether you or a therapist or anyone will fully understand this.

Whatever the reason I do think the best thing anyone can experience in life is the ability to care for somebody else. That feeling is better than any drug I've ever taken. Drugs give you this fleetingly.

If you really are a psychopath and do not have the ability to feel this then you are very unlucky.

Yet because you've cared enough to write this thing you definitely have this capacity.

Also - looking through all the responses you've got. People think you are a fascinating person and have been moved by your honesty...

 

the philosopher Hannah Arendt talked about the 'banality of evil'. It is a stupid, unhelpful concept.

I think that religion does a lot of harm as well as a lot of good

[emit_remmus]

Since the Virginia Tech shootings have toiled down, this posting has haunted me. I have tried telling myself that I am doing righteous things, but I am afraid my subconscious will sneak up on me more than ever.

 

More so, what if my true intentions, for example, giving medical aid to people living in developing countries, were for personal selfish gains and reasons? Reasons such as a thrill for adventure, fame, or self-enlightenment. Another instance, when I show gratitude and sincerity towards others, is it because I really want something out of it? I do know that I want that happiness that I have felt in the past because it felt very ecstatic. If this is the case, then I am selfish.

 

However, I have many friends, but I do not know why. Many I have betrayed, many have betrayed me, many I have left, many have left me, many I chose to discontinue association with, many the same, but many I will have made.

[Dako]

ER,

 

Some would argue that living a virtuous life in order to enter heaven is also selfish. A classic conundrum.

[strongerthanever]

There is nothing wrong with enjoying the good feelings of a kindness. Nor, I think, is it wrong to want others to think good of you. I know I personally want these things, yet I don't think I'm selfish for wanting them.

I don't buy in to the religion excuses either. I believe in God and have a good quiet personal relationship with him, but I've also been called a pagan. I believe we are all here by our own choice, to learn things we have set for ourselves, and each person has different paths. We are each responsible for only our own actions, and the choices we make lead us in different directions as a result.

Some of us have had wonderful childhoods, some of us not. Some have money, some don't. And the list goes on. However, there comes a point in everyones life that they become responsible for the direction they take. You will be what you think yourself to be. If you believe you are awful, you will be awful. Why not try the other side, Think yourself as good, kind, caring. Again, there is nothing I can find wrong with the pleasure you receive in doing good, and I could name thousands who do much just to receive the credit. That's what I call a bonus.

 

It would be a good idea to- sorry, you've already said you don't want to hear this, but- check with a doctor. Your feelings could possibly receive help with some medication.

 

Since you don't seem to intentionally set out to destroy others- there's nothing like that in your post- you are not a lost cause , and you are here seeking others opinions. You like the feelings you get when you are doing good things, keep doing the good things. Life is full of opportunities for them.