emit_remmus Posted February 15, 2007 Share Posted February 15, 2007 I would like to know if I am not the only one, on this board, who has gone through such a childhood and adolesense, and if I am sane. Please do not tell me to go and pay someone to analyze my mind because I think I could do this myself for free but with much pain. I will not mention specific things that I have committed in the past because I wish not to remember the details. In fact, I wish to never remember anything to begin with. Everything seemed to have krept up on my current memory after I seemed have forgotten everything 2 years ago. Even still my intentions have remained basically the same. Originally, I saw my worldview as justified. Lets just say my parents were in hard times when I was a child, and they are just about stablizing today while I have been away attending university. Again no details. As a child, I was a bully, a small bully throughout elementary, but I still had friends surprisingly. I remember bullying specific people, and I have no idea why. I was a big tattle tale, sometimes even violent. Although I did defend my friends. Originally I sought freedom from the restraints I grew up in. Growing up in the most worst restrictive religion ever, I grew to hate everything. I was very anti-social after I moved after elementary school. I'm not sure if I hated everyone or if I was just shy. I lied a lot to my parents because I believed I was fighting for my beliefs. Again no details. I am manupulative to an extent, and I am lustful; I cannot think of any time where I have cared for someone. No details here either. If that care was there it was mainly driven by lust. I'm afraid I have no emotion, but I mimic others. I can change my attitude whenever I feel the need to. There are times when horrible thoughts enter my mind out of nowhere whether its through dream or day dream or simple thinking. I have conjured up a horrible philosophy that I hope will never take effect on me. No more. I have great concern over myself and I wish there was a way I could change my psyche. I have read the history of madmen and dictators in hopes that I could learn not to commit what they have committed, to change my path towards good. On the otherhand, I want to change my path to good to further benefit myself. I want to know good. Honestly, there are times where I have sought peace within myself by studying the Buddhist philosphy. I just didn't feel it. I cannot side myself with any religion. In fact, I hate religion. Even more so, I often envision my as the Anti-Christ. The memories that I despise so much as to wanting to forget them, I am afraid to forget them. What if I become a different person for worse without those memories? Though, I have forgotten the memories when I moved away 2 years ago. It took physical relocation to forget the past. I must emphasize this because I believe this means something. It may mean that I must move again. The cost is too great to prove that theory though. I am afraid I may have been born evil. I am aware of this and I would like to change it for the better. Quote Link to comment
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