Am I evil?

[emit_remmus]

I would like to know if I am not the only one, on this board, who has gone through such a childhood and adolesense, and if I am sane. Please do not tell me to go and pay someone to analyze my mind because I think I could do this myself for free but with much pain. I will not mention specific things that I have committed in the past because I wish not to remember the details. In fact, I wish to never remember anything to begin with. Everything seemed to have krept up on my current memory after I seemed have forgotten everything 2 years ago. Even still my intentions have remained basically the same.

 

Originally, I saw my worldview as justified. Lets just say my parents were in hard times when I was a child, and they are just about stablizing today while I have been away attending university. Again no details. As a child, I was a bully, a small bully throughout elementary, but I still had friends surprisingly. I remember bullying specific people, and I have no idea why. I was a big tattle tale, sometimes even violent. Although I did defend my friends.

 

Originally I sought freedom from the restraints I grew up in. Growing up in the most worst restrictive religion ever, I grew to hate everything. I was very anti-social after I moved after elementary school. I'm not sure if I hated everyone or if I was just shy. I lied a lot to my parents because I believed I was fighting for my beliefs. Again no details.

 

I am manupulative to an extent, and I am lustful; I cannot think of any time where I have cared for someone. No details here either. If that care was there it was mainly driven by lust. I'm afraid I have no emotion, but I mimic others. I can change my attitude whenever I feel the need to. There are times when horrible thoughts enter my mind out of nowhere whether its through dream or day dream or simple thinking. I have conjured up a horrible philosophy that I hope will never take effect on me. No more.

 

I have great concern over myself and I wish there was a way I could change my psyche. I have read the history of madmen and dictators in hopes that I could learn not to commit what they have committed, to change my path towards good. On the otherhand, I want to change my path to good to further benefit myself. I want to know good. Honestly, there are times where I have sought peace within myself by studying the Buddhist philosphy. I just didn't feel it. I cannot side myself with any religion. In fact, I hate religion. Even more so, I often envision my as the Anti-Christ.

 

The memories that I despise so much as to wanting to forget them, I am afraid to forget them. What if I become a different person for worse without those memories? Though, I have forgotten the memories when I moved away 2 years ago. It took physical relocation to forget the past. I must emphasize this because I believe this means something. It may mean that I must move again. The cost is too great to prove that theory though.

 

I am afraid I may have been born evil. I am aware of this and I would like to change it for the better.

[melrich]

It's a bit hard not to tell you to seek therapy. You describe yourself in terms used to describe a psychopath. That's not all bad, there are millions of psychopaths out there all living relatively normal lives. They learn to live with their condition.

 

But I am not sure it is something that you can self treat or treat by getting opinions online. I guess it's up to you. you can learn to live with it by yourself or you can seek a professional to help you manage it.

[caro33]

I tend to agree with melrich. I don't believe in evil people, but hey, we all have different brain wiring to some degree, different chemistry and different coping mechanisms. You may well have the characteristics of a psychopath or sociopath.

 

If thoughts are harming you or others and you want to change, I would think face-to-face discussions with a professional are what would be most useful.

[anggrace]

No, I don't think you are evil. You know, there was a time when I thought the same thing. I really felt inhuman. But it was just that my head was in the wrong place (to say the least). It can be a downward spiral if you tell yourself those things. You really have to choose to see the positives in your life and in yourself and focus on those things. They are there.

[southerngirl]

You are who you want to be in this life. You need to lead yourself in the direction you want to go. Remember this. Your here on this earth to Learn and to Love. Do not forget to do either one.

 

What is this situation meant to teach you? What have you learned? You are not your past and you cant change the past. You must realise that you can own the present and change your future.

[emit_remmus]

Can I say, I only regret my past because I feel guilt and I am afraid it may have backfired on to my present life. I'm trying so hard to change, but then there are times where I just fall. There are times when different random things in the present remind of me of the past. I want that past locked away so badly. Surprisingly I have never been to jail, and I have passed everything with high marks. I seem very much like a contradiction that I don't know what I am really. You may call me psychopath or sociopath, that may be true as I fit the description well except for the fact that I haven't broken any laws majorly.

 

I am trying so hard to change by being polite and considerate. I have changed my lifestyle from drinking heavily to being a vegetarian. But for the worse now from previous failures of recent, I feel isolated and alone, reading books and thinking a lot. I am not totally isolated as I actively take part in activities and associate with fellow class mates. I just have lots of alone time now, and I think its for the better right now; in hopes that I can change to a more peaceful state of mind.

 

Hi there,

 

I also agree with Caro; I believe and trust in the innate goodness of all people.

 

In my humble opinion (admittedly, others may disagree), in lieu of asking yourself "am I evil," the two more pertinent questions to ask are:

 

1) Do I want to be evil?

2) Am I too self-critical?

 

 

What do you think?

 

1) No I do not, but what do you consider evil? Isn't evil a relative term? To a Christian, yes I am evil. To society, I may be a psychopath. I have no idea what I am. I still would like to stand up for what I believe in. I do not know if what I believe in is evil or not.

2) Mustn't one be critical of oneself?

[melrich]

You may call me psychopath or sociopath, that may be true as I fit the description well except for the fact that I haven't broken any laws majorly.

 

I don't know that it's calling you either, it is saying that may be the condition you have. The vast majority of people with those conditions don't break the law, it's just that the presentations of these conditions increase the likelihood that they will. Of course there are also degrees of such conditions and it may well be that you present only mildly, if at all.

 

Whatever the case may be, if these things are bothering you, despite the fact that you don't want to hear this advice, professionals can help you.

[Fisch]

The truth is, you arent just going to magically feel that you are good and feel good in general by reading or thinking about it. People change and reach feelings and ideals through action and experience. If you want to know what good is you have to feel it for yourself, you have to commit to it, do it, breath it, live it, and maybe have people do some good for you to.

Contemplation is great for making decisions, but not for changing your phsyce. If you choose to believe that you are good, that is the first step. It sounds like overall, good has not been something that has been in your life often, so its no wonder you dont feel it in different ways. You are just going to have to put it there yoursef. Restrictive religions have obviously not helped you in this situation, thats fine, you are the most convincing person to yourself. So tell yourself what you want to happen and do it, then maybe the feelings will grow.

[caro33]

I'm pretty sure evil people don't feel guilt and try and change for the better.

 

Try not to be hard on yourself. The past is done.

 

If the alone time can be used constructively for self-reflection and working toward being in a better headspace, then maybe you are just on your path right now. Things will improve, you'll start to put things in their right place.

 

If the alone time is just reinforcing your sense of detachment or isolation from the world, then why don't you try seeing even more of your classmates, or get outside, start to participate more wherever you can.

 

You just don't sound evil to me. You've made mistakes, but they're done. You can't take them back. No point punishing yourself. Just do whatever you can to move forward and believe good things about who you are now and who you can still become.

[Jeffrey2095]

I agree with Caro,

 

A truly evil person would not be here with this self analysis, right?

 

Okay... you did some bad things in your past...

 

Now... do some extra good to make up for it.

 

I once saw a sign that read: If you know what hurts you... then you know what hurts your brother too.

 

You know the difference between good and evil...

 

Choose good.

 

Jeff

[emit_remmus]

The problem is: Currently I have been doing charity work, but without any passion for it whatsoever. I simply do not feel it. I do not feel that my action will reflect the world or local community. Unfortunately, I must say that I have volunteered only to meet other people and to make myself appear good in person and in application forms. That, I feel, is selfish and inherent within me. I simply cannot find anything I am passionate for other than my own career, which again is for selfish reasons.

[emit_remmus]

Am I evil for the fact that I want to be the Anti-Christ? Am I evil for the fact that I desire that all religion be done away with? This is impossible without mass death, as religion and belief in the supernatural is part of humanity, and so humanity must be destroyed in the process of doing away with religion. Am I evil for day dreaming of a world poltical social switchover or just simply world domination? Am I evil for envisioning myself as a freedom fighter?

 

But I'm getting into my personal beliefs and philosophy, and so I will stop now.

[Fisch]

Well, you made a good excuse why charity work isnt working for you there. But moreover, its just not that emotional a thing to do. Try more personal, I have a feeling that it will ellicit the emotions you are looking for to a greater deal than a more disconnected action. As for christianity, you as we all are, are obviously indoctrined. But there are people out there that do not see even Christianity as good, it should be your decision... at least on some level. Ask yourself what you consider good, what kind of things would make you feel like you were legitimately a good person.

[emit_remmus]

"God saw the light was good. So God separated the light from the darkness." Accordingly, since I do not worship God, then I must be the darkness, which is evil, or God is a bigoted racist, in reference to the Chapelle Show, when Rick James called Charlie Murphy and Edie Griffin "The Darkness Brothers."

 

I think it was good that I received extra spending money from my mother, but at the sametime I think it was evil that I lied and told her I was attending church regularly. Its for my very own well being.

 

To be honest, right now, I cannot think of any good within me, either because I do not look for it and or I cannot see it.

[melrich]

"God saw the light was good. So God separated the light from the darkness." Accordingly, since I do not worship God, then I must be the darkness, which is evil,

 

God didn't say the light was bad did he?

 

It's like "Peter saw the avocado amongst the lettuce and he picked it out and ate it because he loves avocado"...doesn't mean he hates lettuce. That would be an assumption?

[caro33]

How old are you emit?

[emit_remmus]

Above 18 and below 20 years.

[melrich]

To be honest you sound like a pretty good person. I think this might be a stage of life that you are just passing through.

[caro33]

Let's get serious now emit, shall we? You honestly say you want to be the AntiChrist and do away with humanity? Or are these hypothetical questions? Because I mean no insult, but what you are describing is not evil to me, it's teenage angst. Now it feels massive when you experience it, but the "cure" tends to be just the usual maturing process; finding your way in the world.

 

Don't punish yourself for stuff you did as a teenager. We all do messed up stuff when we're going through those years. Some more messed up than others true, but the sense of alienation and of being "wrong" is common.

 

Perhaps your future is not in charity work, that's all. You can define yourself and be worthy and fulfilled 1000 ways without it being as absolute as "evil" or "charity worker".

[emit_remmus]

But tell me, please, about my uncaring tendencies: Why am I not able to make close friendships or develop strong relationships? I don't think I even really loved my parents. I'm leaving out many details on this one.

[caro33]

We have absolutely no way of knowing the answer to that.

 

The possibilities include:

 

- you are using definitions of "love" etc that are too ideal, that in fact no one would realistically subscribe to;

- you have a condition that might benefit from treatment of some sort if you want a change;

- you could be one of those people who blossom once they're older and you struggle until then to form lasting relationships; and/or

- you just haven't met the right people to click with yet.

 

Why do you think you haven't formed close friendships or developed strong relationships so far?

[emit_remmus]

First, I will assume the obvious, it is me. I might be a total jerk, I might be just weird, I might to be too picky, I might be too shy, I might be too outspoken, I might be too clingy, or I might not even try.

Second, I will assume it is the environment and my surroundings. I might just be living in the wrong setting.

[caro33]

Well you sound like you have it covered!

 

So are you bothered enough about this to look further into your potential reasons for being alienated and perhaps make some changes?

[emit_remmus]

Furthermore with the first assumption, how can I not be be a total jerk when it is my attitude and I unknowingly act it? How can I be less judgemental of people when past experience has nurtured me into this sort of thinking? How should I go about in speech when I do not want to be the reserved man? How can I reach that motivation of wanting to try when I have feelings of no hope?

[caro33]

I personally do not understand your questions but perhaps that's beside the point. What are you looking for from us emit?

 

Do you want to tell us more and perhaps get some help with coping strategies and ways to change your perspective?