Cheating or not cheating?

[christinahunter312]

Here's a story:

 

There's this woman who has been dating her boyfriend for nearly two years. They are in love, happy (totally cute!), spend a lot of time together, traveled around the world and are living a great life. Although she is quite happy, deep down inside she thinks that something is not quite right.

 

There have been signs everywhere, but she thinks that she is just paranoid because she has such a great life with a boyfriend who loves her and would never think that anything could ruin that.

 

One day, she and her boyfriend decided to play hooky and spend the day at home. They slept in, worked on the computer for a couple of hours and had a nice lunch together. He then realized that he had to run into work. So, she stayed in by herself, continued to work and cleaned up the house. As she sat by the computer, she realized that he had left his email on. When she dragged the mouse to the top of the browser to close the window, she saw a couple of emails from an ex-girlfriend. She frowned and pouted, but nevertheless continued to close it down. But during this process, her eyes naturally wondered to the subject line of one of the emails and she was overcome with diasspointment. Thoughts flourished in her mind. Emotions took over and even though she felt guilty and knew it wasn't right, she proceeded to open the email.

 

She needed to know if all of those signs she had been noticing were there for a reason. Low and behold, she received confirmation. She wasn't paranoid. Her stomach was in knots. She felt something she had never felt before. Total betrayal. The things she uncovered wasn't of a man who was in love with her, who took care of her, rather of a man who was engaged in flirtatious emails (and she could only think what else).

 

She thought to herself, why would he invite his ex on his business travels and vacations with him? Why would he ask his ex to send him naked pictures of her? Why would he deny the fact that he has a current girlfriend (was he ashamed of her?)? Why would send kisses to his ex and tell her that he thinks about her sexually? There were more questions, but these were enough to keep her mind occupied for the time being.

 

What kind of man was she with? Was this the man she thought was in love with her? Is he keeping his options open and taking her along for a ride until something/someone better comes along? Is he cheating on her? What was going on?

 

Understanding what she did was unlike her and wrong, she justified it with many reasons (the strongest one being what she found). She thought of putting her boyfriend in her shoes and agreed, that he would do the same thing had there been signs and had he been feeling the same way. She knew that the opportunity would give her the answers she needed, after all, when asked he wouldn't provide any information whatsoever and denied any communication between him and his exes, which was a lie. She even gave him an opportunity to open up by asking him questions after the email findings... and nothing.

 

Just to be clear, she is not obsessive, would never invade his privacy under any normal circumstances, but picked up on subtle clues throughout the months which lead her to do what she did. She does not regret doing what she needed to do to find out the truth, but she wishes that he could have been honest with her. She would have felt horrible if her findings were inconclusive and wouldn't be able to forgive herself.

 

So much emotion and time has been invested into their relationship. Now she is stuck, wondering how to approach the subject with him, wanting an explanation, but at the same time giving him the benefit of the doubt, as she always does. She reminds herself that she has been 100% loyal, honest and faithful to him and doesn't understand how and why he has been conducting himself in this manner. She needs to know what his intentions are with them and her.

 

Once approached, she knows whole heartidly that he will be on the defensive and blame her for looking at his emails. He will most likely walk out or shut her out completely (as he's done in the past when topics of this nature has arised) never resolving the issue. He will judge her instead of sympathising with her and probably won't realize or admit that he is at fault. She is deathly afraid of this moment. What she hopes is that he will explain everything - the why's, the how's, the motives - so she can better understand his reasons and come to a resolution. After all, she deserves answers and given that she is considering the next phase in her life (with an invitation to move in with him), she needs to know sooner than later.

 

She is a beautiful, intelligent, confident woman and yet somehow she is afraid to lose him knowing that he has violated her trust and their bond. According to her, he cheated, even if not physically (as there is no proof), definitely emotionally.

 

And just so it's been said, she doesn't mind that he communicates to women from his past. It's the fact that he hides it, as if he were hiding something bigger.

[christinahunter312]

Any advice?

[amtjrtcet]

Are you the woman in this story? If so I am soooo sorry. And I know how you feel. I'm going through something soooo similar. I wish I had good advice. I snooped through his phone to find that he's been calling his ex girlfriend. I too thought that things were great between us. And now....who knows.

 

You've got proof here though. The emails, flirtatious and sexual. That's all you should need. Leave him. If I had that kind of evidence I'd be rid of him.

[christinahunter312]

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yes, I am the woman in the story. I have the evidence, yes, but at the same time I want to approach it senstivley. We are going on a trip together this weekend and I want to discuss it then. It's complicated, but we kind of have to go on this trip and without getting out of it, I thought that I could discuss it with him then and then make a decision. The decision will most likely be to break up with him, but before doing so, I need to know the reasons for his actions. Then I can do it with resolution.

[amtjrtcet]

Oh honey there's your answer. Sexually flirtatious emails? Asking for naked pics?! Denying his relationship with you? All of it visible, unquestionably true??!! DUMP HIM! There's NOTHING in the world he could say to make any of that right. NOTHING.

[Iceman26]

 

We are going on a trip together this weekend and I want to discuss it then.

 

I would hesitate on bringing this up when you are away from home, because you aren't sure how he is going to react to you finding out this information.

 

You already have enough proof and I wouldn't really expect resolution. Whatever his reasons they were selfish ones and I am sure you deserve better.

[amtjrtcet]

I'm sitting here wondering what's going on. The only thing I really have to go on is that I saw that my b/f called his ex and they talked for a little over 10 mins. But he suspiciously has her programmed in his phone by a number instead of her name. I've had other issues with my b/f and his ex before. I'm praying there's a good explanation to all this. But God so help me, if I had any solid information that he was messing around-and that doesn't just mean physically, I'd erase him from my life forever. And I know it would hurt for a while, but I'd do it.

[christinahunter312]

I agree with you. I've never been in this position before, so naturally there is some hesitation.

 

I will hit this subject head on with him imediately and end the relationship. It wouldn't be fair to me to let this go one. You're right - no explanation would be good enough.

[fnlyfrei]

michelleth...

 

I would feel the same way. It should be all or nothing..either you are there 100% or you aren't. If you find out the other person isn't and you are...good cause to walk away. It would be nice though if the other person would just tell you that and give you a choice instead of messing with your head and heart.

[amtjrtcet]

I agree with you. I've never been in this position before, so naturally there is some hesitation.

 

I will hit this subject head on with him imediately and end the relationship. It wouldn't be fair to me to let this go one. You're right - no explanation would be good enough.

 

I know its hard honey, but just read and re-read your original post if you're having doubts. That should be all you need. I hurts to find out that someone you love isn't what you thought they were. Its disappointing, and disheartening. But its better to know now after only 1 yr then to go on any longer and have it hurt that much more. The members of this forum are amazing, kind and full of knowledge. I know they've been here for me. So post here when you want to call him or need someone to talk to. Good luck

[amtjrtcet]

michelleth...

 

I would feel the same way. It should be all or nothing..either you are there 100% or you aren't. If you find out the other person isn't and you are...good cause to walk away. It would be nice though if the other person would just tell you that and give you a choice instead of messing with your head and heart.

 

Amen....when someone cheats, whether it be emotionally or physically, they are taking away choices from the other person in the relationship. Its not fair.

[christinahunter312]

This will definitely be difficult given that we work in the same industry (he is at my office a lot for meetings and such). So it will be hard, but the sooner I do, the sooner I will get over it.

[Kalika]

Honey, why are you afraid of him denying it, of blaming you, etc..? He should be afraid of YOU! What is there to give him the benefit of the doubt about? He denied he even has a girlfriend, is trying to get naked pics of his ex, etc.. I mean, he has TOTALLY crossed all the boundaries, and then some.

 

I guess I'm just kind of concerned you think he deserves you to be "giving the benefit of the doubt.." .. His actions warrant a lot of anger, if anything. There isn't anything he could do to explain this away. This isn't harmless flirting he's doing with someone.

[christinahunter312]

I totally agree with you. He can't change his actions. All I want is an explanation and I'm out. I deserve that much. I have already decided that I will not stay no matter what he says.

[littlemiss26]

All I want is an explanation and I'm out. I deserve that much. I have already decided that I will not stay no matter what he says.

 

As much as you deserve an explanation, be prepared as you might not get one, or he may give you one you didn't want to hear.

 

All you can do is be strong for you and remember that you are not at fault no matter what he might come up with.

[sddeaston]

I agree. You deserve to be that happy with someone who will be as devoted to you, as you are them. Leave him. Sorry this has to happen though, I don't understand people and their reasons for not just getting out of their relationship. Selfish, I guess.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Just dump the mofo, already.

[sddeaston]

Just dump the mofo, already.

 

Classic

[amtjrtcet]

I totally agree with you. He can't change his actions. All I want is an explanation and I'm out. I deserve that much. I have already decided that I will not stay no matter what he says.

 

Well, I got my evidence last night. I asked him directly when he last talked to his ex he said 2 days after New Yrs. LIE!!! I know he talked to her this wknd. So, tonight I'm going to tell him I know he lied, wait for his explanation, and I'm done. B/c there's nothing he can say to make it ok.

[christinahunter312]

I'm so sorry to hear that. Not a good feeling at all. Stay strong and thanks for your kind words.

[radioheader]

he's not ready to commit exclusively to you or he may be one of those who never can...my husnad of 15 years has cheated twice and if i had known b/f we got married that he was going to do this, i would have never married him! we have 2 great kids and we are working on restoring our marriage yet again b/c i am determined to raise the kids together if we can...

 

i would confront him and not let him guilt you into anything! he is the one who has cheated! and then i would leave him and not look back...you deserve better and better is out there!

[RootsAndWings]

[Rabican]

Thanks for your reply.

 

Yes, I am the woman in the story. I have the evidence, yes, but at the same time I want to approach it senstivley. We are going on a trip together this weekend and I want to discuss it then. It's complicated, but we kind of have to go on this trip and without getting out of it, I thought that I could discuss it with him then and then make a decision. The decision will most likely be to break up with him, but before doing so, I need to know the reasons for his actions. Then I can do it with resolution.

 

Let me save you some time. Hes a jerk, and a cheater. He doesnt REALLY TRULY love you, even though he says he does. He couldnt do what he did, if he did love you. So save yourself the hassle, and tell him its over. When he is flabbergasted and confused and cant imagine why, tell him you know all about his ex and their ongoing affair.

 

He cheated on you, emotionally, or physically... most likely both. That trumps anything and everything you could do to find out about it. I dont care how much spying you did, you had a hunch, and you were right. Its his fault, entirely 100%. Do not let him lay the blame on you. IF he tries that, that is simply further proof that he needs to get kicked to the curb.

 

Stand up for yourself and show some self respect, dont put up with this.

[Northalius]

Christina,

 

There is no such thing as a reason for cheating, only an excuse.

 

People that truly love you, give reason behind what they do to and for you; people that do not love you, make up excuses as to what they do to you. Go by their actions, above all else. His actions have spoken loud and clear.

 

Don't worry about what it is he'll say, as to why he did it, because that, too, will most likely be a lie. It's simply that he did it, is what you should be looking at most of all. Do not give him ground to disrespect you even further by him attempting to whitewash the major wrong he has done to you.

 

He's a player, plain and simple. Look at all the (supposed) "good" things he's done for you as a total lie now. It was all an act, for his own pleasure, not yours. Do not let these things get in the way of truth and logic.

 

Edit:

 

Oh, and yes, it was cheating.

 

Cheating begins in the mind, not simply the body itself. Do we have relationships with peoples bodies? Or their minds? Or their mind and body? If physically cheating is the only cheating, then what is their mind to us? Are they simply our piece of meat to have sex with, and that's all there is to it? I don't think so. If someone is fantasizing about another, while in a relationship with you, then they are cheating.