Will my marriage be like my parents??

[chickidee23]

This weekend was my bridal shower. My mom came down the night before and told me she had to talk to me. I figured it was something about the wedding so I didn't worry too much. When she got there, we went downstairs to be alone and my mom proceeded to tell me that she has been flirting with another guy and has uncontrollable feelings for him. Then she told me she took it a step further after he went to her work one weekend and she wasn't there. He began asking about her and she called and told friends to ask questions also. He told one friend he wasn't married and another he was so my mom feels stupid and doesn't know what to do. I listened and did my best to keep a very neutral face (she has always been there to listen for me and my mom has no one else to talk to) and then I told her not to worry about it because this guy was asking about her so she wouldn't look stupid. Just curious maybe.

 

The thing is, the whole time I was in shock. I knew my parent's marriage is not the best- my dad is very controlling, not affectionate and my mom never voices her opinion- but I had no idea it was so bad. Because of the way my parents' marriage is, I have become very opinionated and I occasionally fly off the handle when my fiance does something small that makes me feel bad. I don't want to be like my mom... I want to be an independent person who never lets someone control or take advantage of her. It's just caused me to have a temper and I can be somewhat controlling to avoid being controlled.

 

I wanted to tell my mom that she needed to talk to my dad, tell him that she is so close to giving up on the marriage. Tell him they need to work on things. Maybe even he doesn't realize how bad things are, I don't know. But maybe her telling him those things will be a wake up call for him. But I didn't know how- she didn't seem to even consider that as an option. Then she told me that he's threatened to divorce her (which I've witnessed) and that he's also said he's going to kill himself before. I am pretty fond of my dad (he's not my real dad- my mom's been divorced before from my real dad) now- we used to hate one another when I was a teenager- and if she divorces him, who will be my dad??? I can understand to a point where she's coming from- I've never been ok with the way he treats her- but I am worried about her. If she wants to leave him, jumping into another relationship is not the way to do it! She did that last time and it's not turning out so well. Plus I have two younger siblings who are going to be greatly affected by this. My brothers and I are scarred from an ugly divorce and if my parent divorce this time, it's not going to be pretty.

 

What do I do? What do I tell my mom? I don't know how to deal with this!!!!

 

Also, how do I stop myself and my marriage from ending up like this? I don't ever want to get a divorce but my parent's- the role models I had for so long- are not healthy relationship people. I don't want to be like them!

[AwdreeHpburn]

Your mom told you this on the day of your wedding shower?

 

I think you need to let your mom sort out her own affairs and you should concentrate on making YOUR marriage different.

 

Of course your marriage won't be like your mother's. You are not her and your husband is not your father (bio or step).

 

I totally understand the fear - I do. But you are not her. She is not you. The two of you will have VERY different lives, marriages etc.

 

But really, let her and your dad figure this out for themselves. They're grown-ups and you are trying to start your own life.

 

Offer your support, of course, but try to let her come to her own decisions. (that's MY opinion anyway!)

[Jetta]

I doubt your marriage will be like your parents, I wish mine were like my parents. My mom's marriage wasn't like her parents abusive marriage. Mine wasn't like my parents loving marriage. Choose wisely and if you have a partner rather than a controller you'll be fine.

[n83]

It wouldn't hurt to go for premarital counseling with your fiance..

[sophie274]

You should definitely tell your mother that you are glad that you two are close and that she trusted you enough to talk to you, but that you do not wish to be involved in your parents' marriage. Then stick to your word. If she tries to bring it up, state your wish not to be involve. You could encourage her to go see a counselor if she needs someone to talk to.

 

There is no reason why your marriage will be like your parents' marriage. However, I don't think you should blame your current behavior with your fiance on your parents' marriage. You are old enough to control your own behavior and take responsibility for it. That being said, if you are having conflict and conflict-resolution problems with your fiance, I suggest you go see a counselor, with him or even without him. You could even do both.

 

I'm sorry you have had to deal with your mother's problems - make sure to remove yourself from that situation, as it is definitely bad for your peace of mind! Congratulations on and good luck with your upcoming wedding and marriage!

[isisastaria]

I JUST heard this on a radio show here with a shrink. The caller's issue, however...was she didn't want to be a bad mom like her own mom. The DR. told her that just the fact she is asking these questions and that she is concerned shows that she WON'T be like her mom. You are being insightful and are preparing. That shows you'll be alright. That's what I think. I think you are recognizing and acknowledging this at the right time.

 

I think premarital counseling could help.

 

I would ask my mom to please not involve me in her affair. That was VERY selfish of her. Tell her to go get a therapist or talk to a friend. This was a very unfair position for your mother to put you in and I think you need to set up some boundaries with her.

I doubt she meant to, but this is your time for attention and celebration. This is not the time for her to parade around her drama to draw the attention to her. That is EXACTLY what she is doing, by the way. (She just might not realize it. If you confront her, expect her to be a HUGE victim and try to get attention with drama that way).

[anggrace]

Your marriage will be like your parents if you tell yourself it will be. If thats not what you want, then don't even think about it. It will be what you make it.

[sonjam]

I think it was very selfish of you mother to burden you with something like this - her mistakes, shortly before you have to start of with your own happy everafter. I agree that you should tell her you appreciate her trust in you for talking to you, but that you cannot take sides, won't and that it is something they should sort out themselves.