Lightning bolts!

[FleetingMoment]

Hello everyone

I've been a member of this community for quite awhile, but I haven't posted very much.

 

I've recently found myself in quite a dilemma, and I don't know where to turn.

 

I'm 20 years old. During the summer, I began communicating with a man online. We clicked so well that we decided to meet. We met several weeks ago, having already spoken to each other for seven months. I can't even describe our meeting as anything but incredible. The physical chemistry was overwhelming, the emotional connection was fantastic- I can't explain it as anything other than the fact that, when we were together, it felt as though I was coming home. We have similar ethnic backgrounds, similar goals in life, and similar passions- so much just meshed so well and we were shocked that our meeting was so eventful. Since I returned, we've planned to visit each other and he's expressed his happiness at having made such a wonderful connection with me. It truly felt as though I'd known him my entire life. I've been in several serious relationships, including an emotionally abusive one, and nothing ever came close to how I feel about him. I know it's premature and early but....I feel as though lightning has struck. He's an amazing person.

 

2 problems:

 

Not only do I live in Toronto and he lives in Boston (finishing up a graduate degree), but there's quite an age gap. I'm 20, and he's 31. I suppose the age gap isn't HUGE, but it's significant. We're both in school so even that isn't much of a problem in terms of having things in common.

 

What should I do? How should I proceed in terms of a relationship? We've both made it clear that we want to be exclusive, but what are the possibilities of this actually working out? Can I trust him? Will he be tempted to be with someone who's closer? I've never been in an LD relationship, or one with such an age gap. I'm at a loss. It's not something I'd normally even consider getting into, but we just seem so compatible that I can't NOT give it a shot.

 

I'd appreciate any advice! Thank you!!

[Batya33]

You've only had one date with this man despite typing and talking for seven months. You won't know if your chemistry translates into long term romantic compatibility until you've been dating at least 6-9 months regularly in person. As far as whether you can trust him - that's a risk you have to decide whether you want to take. Boston and Toronto are not that far - hopefully you can see each other at least twice a month, yes?

[FleetingMoment]

You've only had one date with this man despite typing and talking for seven months. You won't know if your chemistry translates into long term romantic compatibility until you've been dating at least 6-9 months regularly in person. As far as whether you can trust him - that's a risk you have to decide whether you want to take. Boston and Toronto are not that far - hopefully you can see each other at least twice a month, yes?

 

No, we spent a week together, not just one date.

[Dako]

You have no guarantee of fidelity from any man, do you?

That's a matter of trust, based upon your knowlwledge of him.

Have you met his friends, family or seen how he interacts with others?

 

It appears you're already involved to some degree, and just need to see how it plays out.

[FleetingMoment]

You have no guarantee of fidelity from any man, do you?

That's a matter of trust, based upon your knowlwledge of him.

Have you met his friends, family or seen how he interacts with others?

 

It appears you're already involved to some degree, and just need to see how it plays out.

 

 

I've met his friends. What's astonishing is that, in real life, he is EXACTLY the way he is in real life.

 

We're involved to an extent, but I don't know what I should expect to come of it. Could something long-term possibly happen?

 

Thank you Dako

[Batya33]

No, we spent a week together, not just one date.

 

Same reaction - one week is less than you've owned a pair of socks. and in particular one week all at once is not the same as getting to know someone over time. for example, you have not known him in person when:

 

he is sick

in a great mood

in a terrible mood

having problems at work, with his family or friends

how he treats waiters or customer service people

he he acts around his friends or family

how he deals with you when he is in a bad mood

how he deals with you when you are in a great mood

how he is when you are sick/not feeling well

etc etc - in one week perhaps you saw a few of these things once or twice. I am talking about getting to know someone over time. anyone can be on their best behavior for a week or during a vacation.

[Dako]

Relationships can evolve from the oddest encounters.

Sometimes it's good to take things as they come and not expect problems.

 

If you're looking for a sure thing, maybe this is a difficult way to go, but if you're happy with this guy, why fight it?

Traditional relationships (for lack of a better term) have pitfalls too.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

I think that if you feel this has great potential, then you should stay in contact... but eventually you have to make plans to spend more time together to see whether this things sticks...

 

is there a chance one or the other of you could move to the same town? but please don't make a big commitment (marry, move in together) until you have spent time dating in the same town, and seeing each other frequently rather than just in the 'honeymoon vacation' mode... you need the real world for a while, not just LDR and vacation mode interactions...

[FleetingMoment]

I think that if you feel this has great potential, then you should stay in contact... but eventually you have to make plans to spend more time together to see whether this things sticks...

 

is there a chance one or the other of you could move to the same town? but please don't make a big commitment (marry, move in together) until you have spent time dating in the same town, and seeing each other frequently rather than just in the 'honeymoon vacation' mode... you need the real world for a while, not just LDR and vacation mode interactions...

 

Of course. He has another 1.5-2 years to go, unfortunately (finishing up his phD) before he can come here...so it'll have to be LDR for awhile.

 

Yes, we definitely need the real-world interaction before making a major commitment!

[insofar]

I'd say go for it. Long distance relationships can be fraught with pain in your time apart, but, at least in my experience, being with someone you love outweighs the pain of missing them by quite a bit. The key is to keep up communication as much as possible. Talk about your days, what you're thinking, how you're feeling, basically everything you'd be talking about face to face, but online / over the phone. It takes a little more effort to do when you're not face to face, but it's certainly doable.

 

As for your doubts, well, those things can happen in any relationship, long distance or otherwise. Sure, he could lie to you at any time and sleep with someone else without you knowing about it. But I don't think you really think he'll do that, right? And again, that's where keeping up communication comes into play. There's a lot of trust necessary in LDRs. As long as you love each other though, there's no reason not to give it a shot.

[i1dr]

I've just come out of a long distance relationship of five years where the last four were long distance. Long distance is a major killer. It makes all emotions exagerated and so too with problems.

You have to be supper strong and accept that it will probably put stresses on the two of you that normally a death to relationships.

I don't want to be gloomy - but the more you really love someone the worse the LDR is.

The age thing. At 20 - it is a factor to have 11 years gap bacause the way most maturing goes and the stages; the way they come. but it is no reason to avoid a relationship with a good vibe.

By the time fifteen years goes by 11 years becomes much less of a factor - if you can make it through all the growth and change periods up to then

 

Good luck. Good love is always (imho) worth an uphill climb. But you do have the rocky mountains in front of you.

 

Hey, by the way - I used to live in Toronto for many years (college&bathurst) Nice place ... but tooooo cold!