In love with my best friend

[austin26]

Hi. I feel silly posting this here but I gotta get it out somewhere and a random forum on the internet seemed a good place as any. I figured I'd start with a back story to fill in the details.

 

I've known my best friend for almost the past two years. These two years we have worked in the same store together and so we spend 5 or 6 hours a day in each other's company. We get along so well - we laugh at the same things, we have the same interests, goals in life, opinions. We are joined at the hip and our friendship is amazing. Too amazing in fact seems to be the trouble. For the past year or so I have slowly fallen in love with her. Unfortunate thing was that she had a boyfriend (who she had not been getting along with) and so a lot of our time together was spent with me biting my tongue and holding back my feelings (which she noticed and I could feel upset her) or sometimes with me or her finding excuses to avoid or upset each other, just long enough to allow me to regain control of my feelings. Obviously this put a strain on our friendship at times but we still got through it, we are still best friends and we still spend all our time together.

 

Eventually a few months back I built up the courage to tell her how I feel. Her responses were varied. Part of her said that she knew and suspected I did. Part of her said that even though she should not say anything, she felt closer to me than a best friend, part of her said that she could not think about these kinds of things while she was with her then boyfriend. He was the first man in her life and he came before me, despite my feelings. Obviously this made it very hard for her, as well as me, knowing she felt a similar way back but could not act on this. There were occasions we sometimes lost self control and I felt we got close to crossing the line (holding hands or each other) but we always knew to cool off when things got dangerous for her and her then boyfriends sake.

 

A month ago they broke up (not because of us, but because their relationship hasn't worked as they have both changed). Ever since then the feelings and physical aspect between me and my best friend have extremely grown. We have spent time talking about them and admitting our love for each other. We often held hands, touched each others side, neck and back, playfully ran fingers accross each other's exposed skin secretly at work. Small things like that. This then peaked on monday when we were hanging out after work. I moved to kiss her and she let me. We ended up back at her apartment kissing most of the evening but we also got physically close (sexually - not sex itself, but not far off). The day after we felt a bit embarrassed (maybe not embarrassed - felt a bit odd) about the whole thing. Neither of us regret it and we both feel the night was special. As the week progressed we both admitted that we haven't been able to get the events out of our head as they were amazing and felt so good.

 

However yesterday she told me that she feels it can never happen again, and she must sort things out with her Ex-boyfriend. She says she still loves him and wants him to change. She feels he deserves the chance to prove to her he still loves her and to make her happy. She says that we need to ignore our feelings and stop doing anything that is considered more than friends (touching, holding hands, monday nights) and return as being best friends. However, she is really worried our friendship will be destroyed and she will lose the person she feels the most closest to.

 

Obviously hearing this I am heartbroken at the same time as wanting to feel optimistic about it and respect her decision. I am crazy about her and I crave her every second we are apart, and I believe she feels the same way for me. I do not want to push her away, but I dont know how to handle the hurt of being pushed away myself. I am worried that it has gone too far already and I will end up with my heart being crushed and losing the most important person in my life.

 

Today has been hard but things have been ok. We have been almost our usual selves but inside I am crushed and all I want to do is reach out and touch her. Kiss her, feel her lips on mine. Something as small as locking eyes with her for a second puts me right back to monday night. I am finding it extremely hard to sit next to her and not think about her as more than my best friend. I have mentioned this and her answer was to ask if she should not talk to me. It feels that either way I am going to lose the most amazing person to me. Things are already different. I asked her if she wanted to do something this weekend as usual and she declined. She feels that something would end up happening similar to monday or we would both worry so much it would not be fun. I am just so confused to what I should do about the situation? Has anyone been in this situation and know the best way to go about things?

[cantexplain]

do you still work with her?

[austin26]

I do. We see each other every day.

[cantexplain]

oh boy...

 

I'm so sorry.

 

Is this a career-type job - are their other departments you can work in?

 

I feel that you may need some distance from her for two reasons -

 

so she doesn't have you as just a friend while having this other guy as the shallow lover ... not valuing you instead as the total package - friend and lover.

 

and so you don't go crazy seeing your love everyday but not being able to feel reciprocal love in return.

 

this kind of situation would tear me up.

 

what probably happened is that this guy sensed you were in the picture and decided to make-up. So long as she has a friend and she has a lover (two packages in this case) she has no motivation to risk giving her whole heart to you. And by being romantically involved with you she is risking losing a friend.

 

But she may already have? How do you feel? Can you be just friends? Or do you want to hang in there as just a friend - holding on to the hope she will come back around to you romantically?

 

Life and love takes risks.

 

Please protect your heart. You are the most important person here.

[austin26]

It's a career-type job, but there's nowhere either us could move department. She has offered to chuck it in and look for another job (this was back when she had a boyfriend, and I was having trouble keeping my feelings to myself) to make things easier but I'd feel like a piece-a-crap. I can't force her out a job she relies on, I'd rather quit myself.

 

I sorta know what you mean. She mentions not being 'more than a best friend' (I think her words were 'Best friends don't do these things, so we gotta stop) like you can't be a best friend and a lover. The way I see it, your lover should be your best friend. The person you turn to with your problems, no matter how big or small.

 

The situation's been slowly driving me crazy since we first admitted the feelings weren't just one way. I just think this latest turn of events is maybe more than I can handle. We were so close monday night and we agreed it felt so intense and right and so comfortable. She has said if she didn't still feel some love for her ex, she wouldn't hesitate to be together with me in some form of relationship.

 

I wish I knew if I can go back to just being her best friend. Today was alright, but like I said. I felt crushed and empty and like my feelings were being gagged or locked up. I felt glad we were still talking, but miserable I had to hold back my thoughts, watch where my hands were at all times, and worry I wasn't doing anything inappropriate. Half of me would love to think I could hang on in there as a friend until she comes back to me looking for something more than friendship. That half is optimistic she'll get over her ex and want to be with me in some way when she feels the time is right. That half of me makes me want to just sit out this bit of pain, respect her wishes of no romantic gestures and sit tight. But the other half of me is scared to heck that her ex may win her back, or she may block out her feelings for me in the process. That half of me feels hurt at being considered second best, and feels I shouldn't just be hanging around lookin for something that may never happen. It's that half that just wants to grab her and hold her for the short time I may have her, and not let a second pass trying to ignore feelings or bite my lip the next time I want to say 'I love you'.

 

How do I get myself into these stupid predicaments? How do I get out of this one?

[Locke2121]

You don't I'm afraid. Not to heap the blame on anybody, but you jumped on the bandwagon way too soon. You were a rebound for her...maybe a bit more, but she was still hurting for her ex. Those feelings don't go away in just a month! I'm sorry, but you'll either have to change jobs, or learn to live with the pain. Sorry dude.

[Drizown]

I'm having a similar issue as well ie. My Post. It truly does suck when friends turn into love interests and 3rd parties are involved!

[austin26]

Today was another hard day. I'm finding it very hard sitting next to her and ignoring the urge to tickle her sides or rub her arm. I was doing so well but ended up slipping my arm around her waist and she did nothing about it.

 

I appreciate all of everyone's advice and it looks like the only way is to avoid her. It looks like I cannot do this without losing my best friend with is going to be hard. I don't know yet how I'll be doing this though

[cantexplain]

Very tough situation you are in there, sir.

 

Some people can handle being "second fiddle." Some people actually prefer it because there is less commitmentment. Other people can't handle it all. Sounds like you are one of those.

 

Clearly she cares for you. My thinking is that it is possible this thing with her ex will end again. But I think what you will also want/need is a change in her in that she values you more highly as a romantic interest, rather than as a friend. Problem is you can't change her, you can only change yourself.

 

If you can handle it just be friendly and kind - AVOID DISCUSSIONS OF HER BOYFRIEND, because that makes him clearly the boyfriend and you the friend.

 

My thinking it is not too good of an idea to be affectionate while she has a boyfriend - lest you want to build a love triangle.

[Blackhawk2009]

too bad that other guy couldnt just disappear. But yea i feel bad for you because after reading your first post it seems that this girl might be perfect for you, and i cant imagine what your going through.

 

I think maybe patience will win here, if you continue the friendship the same way as it is now she might finally realize that your right in front of her.

[luvingxsomeonexspecial]

I think she should respect her wishes and try to be there for her as a best friend for now coz otherwise you might lose her totally. But if her relationship with the other guy didnt work out the first time it might not work out the second time and she might realise what she feels for you. Basically i think the best thing you can do is accept that for now she wants to be with the other guy and support her in that decision. It may be hard but if you love her you should be able to do it. hope it works out ok. xx

[jas56]

I must admit that its beautiful to have such love for someone but, one things for sure, there is NO REASON to put yourself through this. Its not fair to you that your the sideline and as long as the bf is in the pic then thats unfortunately all you will be. She needs to understand what she's loosing here. Either she can continue in her turbulent relationship with the other dude, or go with someone who will love and respect her. Its as simple as that. Let her know because trust me, going through this day in and day out is seriously NOT healthy for you. I don't sugarcoat it, because lets face it. You need the truth. Try to reeeeealy sit and talk with her but if anything try your hardest to stay away from her if talking doesn't work. No matter what anyone tells you, You have to figure this out. Good luck to you ok?

[cantexplain]

try your hardest to stay away from her if talking doesn't work. No matter what anyone tells you, You have to figure this out. Good luck to you ok?

 

Agree 100%