Hi. I feel silly posting this here but I gotta get it out somewhere and a random forum on the internet seemed a good place as any. I figured I'd start with a back story to fill in the details.
I've known my best friend for almost the past two years. These two years we have worked in the same store together and so we spend 5 or 6 hours a day in each other's company. We get along so well - we laugh at the same things, we have the same interests, goals in life, opinions. We are joined at the hip and our friendship is amazing. Too amazing in fact seems to be the trouble. For the past year or so I have slowly fallen in love with her. Unfortunate thing was that she had a boyfriend (who she had not been getting along with) and so a lot of our time together was spent with me biting my tongue and holding back my feelings (which she noticed and I could feel upset her) or sometimes with me or her finding excuses to avoid or upset each other, just long enough to allow me to regain control of my feelings. Obviously this put a strain on our friendship at times but we still got through it, we are still best friends and we still spend all our time together.
Eventually a few months back I built up the courage to tell her how I feel. Her responses were varied. Part of her said that she knew and suspected I did. Part of her said that even though she should not say anything, she felt closer to me than a best friend, part of her said that she could not think about these kinds of things while she was with her then boyfriend. He was the first man in her life and he came before me, despite my feelings. Obviously this made it very hard for her, as well as me, knowing she felt a similar way back but could not act on this. There were occasions we sometimes lost self control and I felt we got close to crossing the line (holding hands or each other) but we always knew to cool off when things got dangerous for her and her then boyfriends sake.
A month ago they broke up (not because of us, but because their relationship hasn't worked as they have both changed). Ever since then the feelings and physical aspect between me and my best friend have extremely grown. We have spent time talking about them and admitting our love for each other. We often held hands, touched each others side, neck and back, playfully ran fingers accross each other's exposed skin secretly at work. Small things like that. This then peaked on monday when we were hanging out after work. I moved to kiss her and she let me. We ended up back at her apartment kissing most of the evening but we also got physically close (sexually - not sex itself, but not far off). The day after we felt a bit embarrassed (maybe not embarrassed - felt a bit odd) about the whole thing. Neither of us regret it and we both feel the night was special. As the week progressed we both admitted that we haven't been able to get the events out of our head as they were amazing and felt so good.
However yesterday she told me that she feels it can never happen again, and she must sort things out with her Ex-boyfriend. She says she still loves him and wants him to change. She feels he deserves the chance to prove to her he still loves her and to make her happy. She says that we need to ignore our feelings and stop doing anything that is considered more than friends (touching, holding hands, monday nights) and return as being best friends. However, she is really worried our friendship will be destroyed and she will lose the person she feels the most closest to.
Obviously hearing this I am heartbroken at the same time as wanting to feel optimistic about it and respect her decision. I am crazy about her and I crave her every second we are apart, and I believe she feels the same way for me. I do not want to push her away, but I dont know how to handle the hurt of being pushed away myself. I am worried that it has gone too far already and I will end up with my heart being crushed and losing the most important person in my life.
Today has been hard but things have been ok. We have been almost our usual selves but inside I am crushed and all I want to do is reach out and touch her. Kiss her, feel her lips on mine. Something as small as locking eyes with her for a second puts me right back to monday night. I am finding it extremely hard to sit next to her and not think about her as more than my best friend. I have mentioned this and her answer was to ask if she should not talk to me. It feels that either way I am going to lose the most amazing person to me. Things are already different. I asked her if she wanted to do something this weekend as usual and she declined. She feels that something would end up happening similar to monday or we would both worry so much it would not be fun. I am just so confused to what I should do about the situation? Has anyone been in this situation and know the best way to go about things?
