Beginning NC....my story

[Rumi]

Hi everyone!

 

I found this site last month and it would have been so helpful to know about two months ago when I was going through my own personal breakup hell. Its great that so many people are prepared to spend their time helping others get through these terrible times and I'm amazed about how reading other people's stories and the advice they got has improved my own outlook immeasurably. I suppose everyone's individual situation is unique and I'm no different!

 

I actually split up with my fiancee almost a year ago, after an 11 year relationship. We had grown apart in so many ways and communication was proving to be a real problem. I was to blame for much of what went wrong, when we split up (she was the dumper) we both thought that we could repair the damage, she just wanted me around because she was going through a very bad patch in her life and I wanted to make sure that we improved our communication between us first, so that we didn't argue all the time we were together. Months passed and we grew apart, although we kept in regular contact, still keeping hope alive. Her father died in the meantime so it was a doubly distressing time for her and she was very angry with me. Another few months passed and we started meeting again and emailing again to say how much we were enjoying one another's company.

 

In December, I took the plunge again and told her I was genuinely sorry for not being around when her father died (she had pushed me away, but in retrospect it seems to be the one time I shouldn't have respected this wish) and for the horrendous year that she'd had. I said it not because I thought it might lead to a reconciliation, but because I was genuinely sorry. We'd both suffered as a result of the break-up and neither of us were thinking straight for the entire year. I should have swallowed my pride and just been with her, but its too late to change any of that.

 

She then told me that she had found somebody new, and that things were going well with him and that she was now optimistic about the future, after a long time. That's when the real pain of the breakup hit me. Like so many others on this forum, I couldn't stop thinking about them together doing all the things we used to do. That my entire hopes for the future, a family, a home, a life together were now effectively destroyed. That all hope was lost. I couldn't sleep for two weeks, I lost about 30lbs in that period. I felt like I was going mad. I'd break down in tears in the middle of shopping at the supermarket, for no apparent reason. I sent her texts in the middle of the night and long emails about how this new guy was probably just a rebound and she would have a far more rewarding future with me. She came round and we had a long chat but she made it clear from the outset that she was not going to do anything to jeopardise her new relationship.

 

Its about two months since then and last night I went round to hers to collect my stuff. I was polite, respectful and dignified at all times and it was a pleasant experience. As we parted, I told her that I was going to have to break off contact with her for my own sake, 'until I got better' and that it wasn't because I was mad at her or didn't like her, but because it was just something I needed to do. And to call me if she ever needed me for anything, although I couldn't imagine what that might be.

 

I'm significantly better than I was two months ago (and I will be significantly better two months hence) - I joined a gym and am putting a lot of effort into getting back into shape. I'm trying to be a better person and to have a positive effect on those around me. The first few weeks after finding out I was desperate to land anything in a skirt just for the feeling of intimacy again, the feeling of skin against skin....just to be touched by the opposite sex, but I realise now that that was a mistake. The sort of thing that crazy people do. So now, while I still miss the idea of being in a relationship, I'm just going to work on myself, renewing my self-confidence, determined not to make the same errors again and hopefully I will attract the right sort of person because of the positive energy I put out, rather than desperately attaching myself to the first promising candidate that looks available.

 

Its hard though. I still occasionally wake up in the early hours thinking about her. Pretty much every morning I lie awake thinking of her. It gets in the way of work, my enjoyment of life, everything, but I'm not being too harsh on myself about it I hope, I accept that this is a process that will take some time to get through and its the first time I've ever been heartbroken to this degree, so its something that is in itself new, and an experience I can learn and grow from. I'm in two minds about whether or not to enter into a new relationship just yet, I have a feeling that it wouldn't be very fair on whoever I got together with, but I'm now going to do things outside my comfort zone. Most of my friends are all coupled up now so its up to me to go into new situations to meet new people. Not necessarily with a view to sleeping with them (although I have to admit being single this is always going to be at the back of my mind), but to find out what sort of person they are and to see what I can learn from them and if I can help them to grow themselves.

 

That's pretty much my story. I'm now officially day 1 NC and entering a brave new world now. Its difficult to shake yourself out of old habits especially if you've been so comfortable for so long, but its also exciting in a way. I've so much I want to do, hopefully life will now give me the opportunity to become that which I really want to become. To all those out there going through heartbreak, all I would say is that heartbreak happens for a reason. It shows you're a caring, feeling person and not a robot. And though at the time it sounds impossible, you can actually use the feeling of heartbreak as a positive. To use those emotions positively, to change yourself to help become the person you truly want to be. That's what I'm determined to do, and I'll have good days and bad days along the way, but I'll never forget the pain. And I will become a better person as a result. One day, I'll thank fate for this moment (not just yet tho ).

[This is Horrible]

my ex broke up with me 39 days ago. i am now on my 31st day of no contact and i am feeling better than i was when i first did no contact.

 

it hurts so much implementing no contact because you are still thinking about them etc, but if you want to feel better I'd suggest getting serious about NC and sticking to it.

 

a month ago i thought that life was not worth living, but since NC i have felt a little better everyday. i am still very far from healed, but atleast i feeling better.

 

i also have learned to take advice from others...when people here say that "time heals" we should believe them, because it is 100% true. if we were over our exes in a few days it would speak of how much we didnt care about them. the people on this site are good people who have experienced or are experiencing the same thing, so try not to get frustrated and give it some time.

[Wandering_Sword]

Welcome I'm sorry for what you had to go through, but you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. When a relationship fails, it usually takes the two people involved to cause its demise. So no more beating yourself up, that is the second step (first step is implementing NC) and take this time to "mourn or grieve" the relationship. Once that is done, time to regain a foothold in the world and go exploring again. I promise you though, things will get better. So keep strong we're all here for you.

[Rumi]

Thanks guys. Whats hard to take is that something so good turned into something so bad.....it just didn't seem possible at the time.

 

Still, we live and we learn I suppose.