Getting my friend to break up with her boyfriend

[belissima86]

Hello,

I am currently trying to help one of my friends break up with her boyfriend...the problem is that I need to convince that she should first. Ok I know that just sounded bad but let me explain.

This guy she has been going out with for a long time was at first very very shy and sweet but as the relationship grew he first became jealouse of our male friends, and started checking her phone to see who she was talking to. She has a few other harmless male friends and he refuses to let her see them. Also he gets upset with her upon seeing pictures on my myspace account that were taken before their relationship. He also once got mad at her for her frisky behaviour at a large party we went to 2 years ago.....(they have been going out about 10 months now). It just seems to get worse and worse and when I talk to her she said they are "really good now and have worked things out, he isn't as jealous anymore." but then it just happened again. He hates her talking to me about her problems, and I find that really odd, but I think he knows I am pushing towards a break up, I really just want her to be happy and I know she isn't. The situation right now is that she is completely cut off from all of our friends except myself and I find lately she hasn't been returning my calls as much. I haven't been to forward in talking to her about breaking up because I didn't want to make her defensive plus I believed her when she told me they worked things out. I have made up my mind that I think it's best for her to break up with him, but how can I let her know that? any pointers?? I know I am minding someone else's business but she wont stand up for herself...and I am her friend and I know she does let people walk over her sometimes and I want to help.

Any tips you can give me before I confront her would help! thanks!

[rusty_boi]

personally i dont think u should try convince her, it will probably just push you and her further apart. What i do recomend is just being upfront with her and telling her everything you just wrote. Maybe that may help her see the light and try get her friends back

[the yang to the worlds yin]

Gotta let your friend do what she feels is best for herself.

[Ellie2006]

I know she does let people walk over her sometimes and I want to help.

 

I understand that your motive is to look out for your friend but wouldn't you say if she lets you persuade her into breaking up w/ her bf bc you think her relationship is not healthy, then wouldn't she, in fact, be letting YOU walk over her instead of letting him walk over her?

 

I agree with the others; please respect that she has the maturity to make her own decisions about her relationships.

 

While your intention of being a helpful friend is noble, your methods, perhaps, need to be re-assessed?

 

Just my two cents.

[belissima86]

Yeah I understand, the only thing is that she reallyl is very passive...very! I just don't think she will stick up for herself until it gets really bad. She's really unhappy.

[rusty_boi]

This reminds me of the song "Flavour of the week by american hi-fi". Anyway even if she is passive you shouldnt try convince her to break up with him, im speaking from experience itl do more harm then good. All you can do is tell her that hes bad for her and why. But apart from that ure hands are tied. It sux i noe but dere isnt much else u can do

[Ellie2006]

Yeah I understand, the only thing is that she reallyl is very passive...very! I just don't think she will stick up for herself until it gets really bad. She's really unhappy.

 

If this is the case, be her friend by being supportive.

Acknowledge her feelings, listen to her BUT it might be best if you stay away from giving her advice on what she should do.

She has to make this decision on her own.

 

Also, NOT giving her advice may be a way to safeguard your friendship; due to post-breakup-blues, she may actually end up resenting you for persuading her to break up. And if they end up getting back together again, your friendship may be strained ...

 

Support her. Be her shoulder to cry on.

Be her sounding board.

 

But do try to stay away from influencing her one way or the other.

 

Just a thought.

[belissima86]

I wouldn't call it walking over her though because I need to be doing something negative to "walk-over" her. But I see what you are saying in that it does have to come from her, it's her relationship not mine.

[Ellie2006]

As I said before, your motive to help her is noble.

BUT in my humble opinion, the insinuation that she does NOT know what's good/bad for her and that she has no willpower to delete a detrimental force from her life and that she needs other people to make decisions about her life for her is rather infantilizing ...

[belissima86]

I think she will make the right decision in time but the longer she waits the worse it will get. I don't mean to infantilize her like that, but she is being taken advantage of. And some people let that go too far and she is one of them.

[belissima86]

I could just explain to her why I am concerned and tell her that I think she can make the right decision...also let her know that whatever she decides I will be there for her. Sound good?

[lovecrazy]

I would tell her that some of his tactics are a bit well stupid...

 

He gets mad at her for doing something before their relationship...before that was none of his business...This is controlling behavior which might only lead to bad things...

 

 

BUT BUT BUT BUT

 

if you try and break them up, it will only push her away from you, and further into his arms...trust me been there done that...

 

just talk to her, say you feel that he is a good guy, but some of his behaviors are a bit odd...and let her lead the conversations....

[Ellie2006]

I could just explain to her why I am concerned and tell her that I think she can make the right decision...also let her know that whatever she decides I will be there for her. Sound good?

 

Sounds good to me

 

By the bye, I did NOT mean to insult you (sorry if my post came accross that way); just wanted to point out that sometimes our well intentions bring about unexpected results.

[bigheart09]

I could just explain to her why I am concerned and tell her that I think she can make the right decision...also let her know that whatever she decides I will be there for her. Sound good?

 

This is a much better approach. Is she really unhappy or do you just THINK she is unhappy? Please do not push her into breaking up with him because it will just make your friendship worse. Just because you dont like him, doesnt mean she has to break up with him. If he really is such a bad person, she will figure it out for herself, but only she can do that, not you. Just be there for her no matter what and support her decisions.

[andyg]

You're still implying that they should break up. And I've got to tell you, I ended up in situation similar to his in a past relationship. Her friends used to like me and didn't understand why my behavior changed. In my situation, she cheated on me with a friend and when I went to break up with her, she begged and groveled and told me that she wouldn't go around the person she cheated with unless I was around. Her friends never understood because we kept it between us, but there were times where they'd get pissed because she wouldn't go out because of me.

 

One of her friends eventually started an argument with me and I broke up with her right after because I was being made to be the bad guy in a situation where I did nothing wrong. She still resents that friend to this day and still tries to get me back on occaison. All I can tell you is that you may not have the whole story and you may never get it. There's a reason she's still in a relationship with him.

 

I should probably have added that my ex was also someone that was easily walked on and tried to please everyone. When she wouldn't go out, I found out later that she told her friends it was because of me, although that was true, I never told her not to go out nor did I ask. When her friend started the fight with me, that was when I realized that I was being victimized by giving her a second chance and that she was telling her friends it was my fault so she didn't have to be the bad guy.

[Mythical_Suicide]

It isn't your place to decide when and how she needs to break up with her boyfriend. Your friend needs to make her own decisions, whether she's unhappy or not. You try pushing this on her she may resent you later on for her breaking up with her bf. Just be a friend and be there to support her, if shes making sucha mistake then let her make it and then learn from it. It's her relationship I personally dont believe you should get involved in any way at all.

[meohmy]

find out the whole story first. Talk to her about everything, then be there for her and tell her why your concerned. But do not tell her what to do and not to do. its not your place.

[chickidee23]

I have made up my mind that I think it's best for her to break up with him, but how can I let her know that?

 

 

That statement is the problem here... I've learned through being the one in your situation and being the one in your friend's situation that no one but your friend can make this decision. You may see that she's being mistreated but she may not see it. The only thing you can do is be there for her when she does. Listen to her when she needs someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. As many of these other posts stated, you are only going to drive a wedge between yourself and your friend if you try to get her to break up with him. It's the hardest part of being a good friend but letting her make her own mistakes and learn from them herself is what you need to do. Consider the fact that, even though she may tell you a lot about the relationship, how often do people call up their friends to talk when everything is fine? I am not saying her relationship is a good one but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors... and that is what she will think everytime you try to tell her she needs to break up with him. The more you push her, the less she will come to you and, if she is indeed in a bad relationship, that is the worst thing that can happen. Give her strength when she asks for it otherwise it will be no good to either of you.

[never-too-late]

I think it's absolutely none of your business. It's fair enough that she is your friend and you possibly care for her. However, the feeling I get is that you want her to be single so you both can do things like partying. I have never ever though of telling my friends to break up with their boyfriends. If I had to tell a friend that her boyfriend is cheating on her, this would probably be the only thing I would ever tell anybody interfering in their relationship.

 

She is telling you that they are good now and he is not jelous anymore. what you should do is to support her, be there for her, and let her make her own choices. We all can get jelous to a certain point so it's nothing unusual. I think you are controlling her and manipulating her. Why don't you get yourself a boyfriend?

 

If she loves him and cares for him or does not want to break up with him, there is nothing you can do about it. It is not up to you to make your mind up about them breaking up. Seriously it's odd. I think I would not like if my friend would be pusing him to break up with my boyfriend. To be honest, it would only push me further to be with him.

 

You should calm down and let her live HER life. You live yours. It's her choice. If you really care for her, you will be here friend no matter what. And also you should not blame her for not answering phone. Maybe she just wants to spend some time with him or some time alone to think about her life and what she is going to do. I mean you sound so possesive of her. How old are you? When I was 15 I may have acted simillarily but when you are an adult you realise that there are times when people want to just hide themselves to think and the only thing we can do, is just to be there for them when they return.

 

So if you don't want to loose this friend of yours, I would not push her to break up with her boyfriend. If she decides to do it, it will be her choice in her own time. You can only listen to her, be there for her, share her frustruations with her but you cannot decide for her. She could resent you for it later and your friendship could be in trouble. So if I were you, I would let her know that you care for her and you are there for her if she wants to talk to you and then I would leave her to it. You honestly need to accept that she chose this guy so you might need to respect that.

[Wandering_Sword]

Simply put, do not interfere. You may have her best interests but its just none of your business when it comes down to it. She's a big girl and will have to learn to deal with her own problems in her own way.