What do I do?

[Kinzie]

I am a 10th grade boy. I have known that I was gay since about 4th grade. However pressures have always been put on me to prevent me from actually being "me". My parents always wanted to have grandchildren and now they have one. My sister's baby is their star grandchild. However they still want and can't wait for me to have kids. I don't want this.

 

I think that my mom has known for quite some time that I was gay. Either that or she thinks that I might be. I have tried to fend off all of this by dating girls and the such. You know the usual cover-ups. I have a great girlfriend at the moment, but I am not attracted to her at all. She wants our relationship to keep moving. We have cuddled and the such, held hands, but we haven't gone farther than that. I know she wants to go farther than that, but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything farther than that when it is based on lies.

 

To keep this post moving along I will get to my problem...

 

I was at a speech meet two weeks ago. I met a guy from another team and he seemed perfect to me. I went home and I was like if only this guy was gay I might come out of the closet. This guy, a girl from team, and myself all went to watch some people deliver their speeches. The guy and I sat by each other but we really didn't talk much.

 

Just two days ago I saw the guy again at the speech meet, and he started talking to some of my friends telling them which guys he thought were cute. I knew then that he was gay. Immediately I started talking to him more and we made a kind of friendship within the few hours that we talked. He asked me if I was gay and I thought to myself "Oh Crap. What do I say?" My whole team was basically surrounding me and if I admitted to being gay what would happen? I would be ridiculed accross our whole school. Nobody in my school has openly told people they were gay before so I would be the laughing stock of the entire school. I would be the aim of all of their jokes and everything. Needless to say I told him I wasn't and we kept talking and hanging out more and more. The more I talked to this guy the more perfect he got. With each passing hour I got more attracted to this guy and I really wanted to tell him who I really was. I was sick and tired of living behind this wall of lies. Eventually I had to leave so I said goodbye to him and that was that.

 

I haven't been able to stop thinking about him since. When I wake up in the middle of the night the first thing I think about is him. I even think about him when I sleep. I added him on facebook and myspace. He gets on like every other day. He has to sneak on because his parents won't let him use the internet or anything basically. He has to sneak it. So he got on today and accepted my adds. He told me that he missed me and everyone he met at speech for that matter. I replied to him.

 

This is what I sent...

 

I haven't been completely honest with you. You might like what I lied about it depends. Before I tell you though I want your word that you won't tell people, because I'm not ready for people to know.

 

I don't think he will tell anybody, but I am afraid of what he will think of me when I tell him what I lied about.

 

Can anybody tell me if I did the right thing? Can they tell what to do next?

 

It is hard being a gay high school male.

[melrich]

I sympathise with you. Kids at your age are not known for their tolerance.

 

Only you can decide when you are ready and confident enough to come out. If you have to lie in the meantime then I don't think you should have any qualms about doing so. If you want this to remain your secret I wouldn't tell anyone right now.

[Kinzie]

I really want to tell him, but it scares me. It scares me because he is so perfect. This guy is the nicest guy I have met and he seems perfect. Would only telling one person about my secret be all that bad?

[EvaGina]

Gah

This almost made me cry

 

(Im sorry how old is 10th grade? Im in NZ)

But despite that, its amazingly depressing that you are unable to live your life.

First things first, break it off with your GF. It cant be any good for your soul to be adding one more lie on top of things.

 

Second, I am sure that this guy you met at the speech meet will know what you are going through, why dont you ask him for help? For advice?

[melrich]

Would only telling one person about my secret be all that bad?

 

Not at all. All I am saying is once you tell one person it is no longer a secret. I ams ure you do trust him and I am sure he has good intentions. But he WILL tell someone else and then you don't have any control over where it goes.

 

So I am not saying don't tell him. I'm just saying do so when you are ready for your sexual orientation to be more widely known.

[Kinzie]

Gah

This almost made me cry

 

(Im sorry how old is 10th grade? Im in NZ)

But despite that, its amazingly depressing that you are unable to live your life.

First things first, break it off with your GF. It cant be any good for your soul to be adding one more lie on top of things.

 

Second, I am sure that this guy you met at the speech meet will know what you are going through, why dont you ask him for help? For advice?

 

10th grade = 15-16 years old

 

I was afraid to be told that I need to break it off with my girlfriend. We are going on 6 months and it would hurt her, not to mention my parents who love her. In the end I suppose it is best.

 

Also I am alright with people knowing... kind of. I am just afraid of their reactions. I have a lot of friends that I think I would lose because my town is generally very conservative.

 

Thanks for your replies.

[EvaGina]

10th grade = 15-16 years old

 

I was afraid to be told that I need to break it off with my girlfriend. We are going on 6 months and it would hurt her, not to mention my parents who love her. In the end I suppose it is best.

 

Also I am alright with people knowing... kind of. I am just afraid of their reactions. I have a lot of friends that I think I would lose because my town is generally very conservative.

 

Thanks for your replies.

 

I know it is hard with the gf, but its not fair to ANYONE, least of all yourself, to be going through with a farce of a relationship.

 

I have no idea how to sympathise with your situation. I am bi, in a very open community, but I have had no need to come out to my parents so far (due to who I have ended up dating). I know the fear you feel, but no where NEAR the extent you must feel it at.

 

I know that once you do come out it will be a releif, that you will feel like a weight has been taken from your shoulders, but its the fear you feel before taking the leap thats hard.

[Kinzie]

That really helped me. All I have to say is thanks. Unfortunately I can't see myself coming out publicly until I am out of school and independent of myself.

 

I will probably post when this guy messages me back. His name is actually my member name. Kinzie. I even think his name is perfect.

[EvaGina]

The -not coming out until you are independent- thing, although unfortunate, is totally understandable.

 

I wish you luck, and do post when Kinzie gets back, hopefully you will find a trustworthy friend in him

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

What do you think he will say about you lieing to him?

[Kinzie]

I don't know. I am hoping that he will understand the position I was in when he asked me if I was gay or not. Seeing as he was there once as well. I am risking everything telling him this. I will take that risk for him.

[EvaGina]

I think he will understand He must have had his own share of difficulties with being gay

[Kinzie]

I HATE how he has no cell phone and has to sneak onto the computer to get on. Those are my only ways of contacting him. He lives a little less then 45 minutes away from me. Because of this I have ended up being on the computer all day waiting for him to maybe get on.

 

Tell me that isn't perfection...

 

link removed

[EvaGina]

-hug-

sweetheart, are there any local gay youth groups you can join?

I was part of one when I was younger, just to support my gay friend, it had a fantastic atmosphere!!!

[Kinzie]

Well once I get a license and a car I intend to drive to his hometown where he has a GHSA set up. (Gay High School Association). But that is a couple of months down the line. He need to get online... NOW!

[NKP]

I am sure that he will understand why you lied about it for, i think most people would of. I really do hope things work out for you

[radioheader]

my nephew is gay and came out in high school (very conservative one at that)....i think it was hard on him but also i think after he did, everyone began to accept him...he always had lots of friends (girls) around him. he is now at a univ. in a relationship and very happy with his life....i hope someday you can be who you wnat to be without the judgement of others...good luck and be true to yourself...i'd break it off with the girl if it is a lie...

 

he knew from a very young age too...that is why i think it is bs when people say you can change your oreintation...i think we are born being one way or another and nothing is wrong with either in my opinion!

[EvaGina]

I do think girls generally tend to be more accepting of homosexuals than guys. We arent threatened in the same way.

 

Perhaps, Kinzie, you could come out to some girl friends first?

[Kinzie]

I have on friend in mind that I want to tell just so I can vent off all of my unexpressed emotions. A girl at that. Most of my friends are girls and some people have asked me if I was gay, but I have always said no. So I suppose I act like one and people wouldn't be surprised if I was one. But yeah he still hasn't gotten on. So I think I am going to bed... if I can.

[Kinzie]

GAH! He told me he had a crush on me! I am going to pee my pants!

[NKP]

WOW thats great news, does he know you feel the same way?

[Kinzie]

Yeah! This is great! You don't know what I feel right now. I want to scream, but everybody in my house is sleeping.

[NKP]

So are yous going on a date anytime soon?

[Kinzie]

He lives 45 minutes away and seeing as I have no license it is hard but we are making it work.