My issue with the constant NC advice

[melrich]

There have been a number of occasions, two in the last few months, where I encouraged people to contact an ex because I felt that there was hope for the relationship. Those two resulted in the relationship resuming and the people being very happy

 

Yes I have seen this many times.

[friscodj]

Yes I have seen this many times.

 

I think in at least one of these situations there was some time taken away, alone, separate, to sort through things within ones self that would not have happened had the level of attachment after the break up been such as it had before the break up.

 

This is the point I am trying to make: after a break up, there needs to be some time and distance away to reach new and different levels of realization about the situation between the two people. If this leads to an attempt at reconciliation, so be it. If it leads to pursuing the closure and finishing of unfinished business after which a true friendship may or may not result, so be it. If it leads to never speaking again, so be it. I have done, seen and advised people on here to do all 3 on multiple occasions...

 

At any rate, in general I think there needs to be some true and real "breaking up" after a "break up" and this is my definition of the ENA-ubiquitous notion of "NC", one which I wholeheartedly support.

[TiredMan]

I agree with the OP. The whole concept of NC is very generalized sometimes here. I believe if the relationship is worth saving or if there is ANY chance, then NC is just silly.

 

On the other hand, if the person has moved on and is with someone else and still wants to keep you at arms length, then NC is good to protect yourself and the only way you will move on.

 

But if you feel like there is a chance, NC will hurt you, IMO.

[melrich]

At any rate, in general I think there needs to be some true and real "breaking up" after a "break up" and this is my definition of the ENA-ubiquitous notion of "NC",

 

That's not what I'm referring to here. Mine is the "lock them down, delete all references, don't respond to them, avoid going anywhere they may be, have nothing to do with them" type that is commonly espoused here.

 

Whatever. If you need "a break" as you define it, no contact as I define its meaning or you can happily stay in touch...do it, as long as that is your best method of coping.

[4answers]

Some very good points raised in this thread.

 

My own take on this is that if dumped and hurt by this, then its natural to feel like you have to fight to get the relationship back. Needy, obsessive ex. No contact will prevent any of this by allowing you to emotional step back from the ex, so that you are in a place where you no longer feel or are unable to control the desperation of getting back together.

 

However, what if you get to that stage and realise that you still wish the ex back. A lot of what is said about no contact is about healing yourself till you no longer want the ex back and you move on.

 

But what if that is not what you want, no amount of no contact can change that, What I mean is you cannot force yourself to not care about someone when you do. You will have to face the fact that the relationship you have with the person is different from what you want. But if there is any hope of getting back together no contact will prevent this.

 

Yes if they move on and meet another, no contact for your own well being. But as the saying goes "if someone stops trying love cant be saved" So yes she may have stopped trying for whatever reason, but if you also stop then the possibility of a reconsilation is gone 100% It somehow does not make sense !

[neallo82288]

There are two types of NC in my book.

 

1. Where the dumper wants and needs space. If they want and need space then you MUST give it to them. Which is where just the normal NC comes into use. In normal NC, you as the dumpee and the one still pining cannot for any reason make contact, but in the same instance they can call you and contact in any form. If they are contacting you then yes, answer them by all means. But you must remember to keep it short and sweet under 8 mins any more than that will result in hurt and discomfort.

 

2. This is where you know if you hear their voice you will throw up. Then any contact is just plain regenerating all the pain of the break up. Then the dumpee needs to do a STRICT NC. No contact to them ex or from the ex.

[EvaGina]

^^^NC in my mind is a temporary measure. Its so you can heal and keep your dignity until the hurt dissapates enough to keep your cool when you can see them.

[jordan1234]

Another part of my original point is that there should be a heavy dose of instinct to go along with your decision.

 

for example, my ex has HUGE trust issues; is slow to trust men; and would never cheater move on quickly. she is very different from even my other exes. She is trying to get over them. if i totally ignored her then i am just not being there her. We might never get back, but i know she broke things off for these reasons. I can handle the conversations, and they are important ot both of us....

[houdini]

The no contact rule can be confusing especially when you're confused about your own situation already "The breakup". Not knowing what to do or what is right or wrong or healthy or unhealthy for yourself or the relationship that has just ended is one of the hardest thing to deal with. Let me explain. My situation with my ex is that we've had problems with arguing over past issues, she is overwhelmed with stress and I believe having to make a huge sacrifice and choice to move to CA. from Las vegas. One day she said it's over she's made up her mind, the next she says she needs space, then again she wants to be alone then the next she's reflecting on our faults and what we could have done different and wishing there was a way to fix it... So... is applying NC the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do? I want my ex back of course, I lover her my son and her daughters but I want to approach this in smartest way possible. I do however feel that sometimes NC does not help in a situaton where the ex has quit you cold turkey and has no remorse. Please advise...

[jordan1234]

houdini,

 

i think in your case where the person is saying that they actually WANT space, then space is what you need to give. you have been with her for a long time. She knows how you feel about her and that you want ot work on things. give her some time and when you feel that time is right i would get in touch with her...

[houdini]

Jordan1234, Would you reply to the email my ex sent me after 3days of no contact? she contacted me only cause I had sent flowers. If you would ilke to read the email you can read it at

 

"broke nc rule prior to starting it"

 

Please let me know what you think and if I should have replied back or stuck with the NC.

 

Thanks

[jordan1234]

I really feel that in your case she needs time. She knows how you feel. I would however maybe send a very non threatening e-mail that does nto discuss the relationship too much. Something like

 

I'm glad you liked the flowers. It is upsetting how things have turned out but I hope in the future we are able to be good parents to ####.

 

Maybe add a lttile more but keep it short and sweet. Show her that you have accepted what she said, but DO NOT expect a reply...

[rosie76]

I agree that it's not the best thing in all situations, but when the relationship is really over and seeing or speaking with the person will make that more difficult for either of you to accept, then I think it probably is best to take some time apart. I don't agree with this 'don't tell them you're doing NC, just empower yourself and do it' stuff at all, but I think an honest statement that it's too hard to see them now and you'll be back in touch when you feel you can be is often the best way to go.

 

Easier said than done, though, and I've been terrible at this myself in the past both when I've dumped the person or they've dumped me. Either way, I care so much more about this person than anyone else that it seemed perverse to me to decide not to be in each other's lives because we were no longer a couple. But if I've dumped the guy, my real concern and love for him often leads to false hope that I didn't really mean it when I broke off the relationship. And the same is true in reverse if I've been dumped. I keep hoping (for years!) that the person will recognize what they missed in me, I will put way too much emphasis on the times we speak, I will be emotional, make them feel guilty, make myself feel the breakup over and over again. Sometimes the most honest and caring thing you can do is to take some time to greive privately over what's gone, sort your head out, and be a friend to the person when you can genuinely just be a friend.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

i think NC shouldn't be viewed as a 'religion', i.e., the right, the one, the only way to go, but it is extraordinarily useful and a 'best practice' when one has broken up, and is obsessing about the ex and in tons of pain from every contact...

 

and i think in abusive relationships, or obsessive ones, it is TOTALLY required to break the cycle of unhealthy behavior and interaction...

 

what 'good' NC is is re-establsihing a boundary around yourself, and giving yourself room and time and good conditions to heal from a breakup... kind of like rehab for the heart!