My issue with the constant NC advice

[jordan1234]

This is in no ways meant to be argumentative, but is more meant to be a discussion. It is almost universal that when someone is going through a tough break up that the advice is going NC immediately. The logic is sound in many cases. Its very idfficult to get over a person and limiting them from your life is a great way to do this. In extreme case when people feel "crazy", i think that its important if not a definate.

 

I do think however that we sometimes miss the point. Its hard to talk to exx. you can feel weak and desperate. But, i think ignoring a person that you have gone through so much with is odd if not unfair. they usually did nothing wrong. they simply do not want to be with you in a relationship anymore. Why ignore them. I feel its much stronger and healthier to take their calls and texes. Respond. Tell them you understand. Hiding from them i think causes more confusion in some cases.

 

I'm not saying I think you should become friends with your ex, but if they call to check up, whats the harm in talking? Think of how empowering that will be to talk to your ex, have a conversation, and say goodbye. It will be hard at first. But just as hard as never speaking in many cases. Its like a drug addiction. One successful treatment is to prepare the drug; about to use; and then put it down and walk out of the room. at first it is almost impossibley hard, but it gets easier over time, and eventually you can mentally and chemically handle it.

 

I say this because i think that games are the wrong thing to do with someone you cae. Forcing yourself to ignore an ex when you want to talk to them is denying yourself your true will. this is supposedly an important person to you, and your ignoring them. they did nothing wrong.

 

this is just my two cents. Ive been thinking abou this recently as my ex called and i just didnt pick up when we were broken up. I felt stupid. It wasn't me. I face things in my life. Shes an important person to me regardless of if we are together. I cannot be a friend, but why act falsely indifferent.

 

this is more my personal preference and I was wondering i guess if anyone fel tthe same way. One thing i am struck with is how different everyones stories are, and how different everyones personailty is. I know friends that have broken up 6 times and are now married. Almost every friend i have has had a break up and reconcile. they dont all work for sure, but we are all different. i guess im saying that i think in many ways, doing what feels right is the most imporatn thing to do.... comments?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Maybe it depends on how you broke up - if you got dumped by someone who cheated on you, then you need that time and space to recover, to stop yourself from pleading and begging to try it again. Because those memories will make you cringe in years to come!

 

Also, it's about getting the emotional distance - for me it would be like quitting smoking or something; I couldn't be a social smoker, it would have to be no cigarettes in order to get something out of my life. I couldn't torture myself by being in touch with an ex. Maybe it depends on how you feel about them, and how you broke up.

 

I think it's good advice for a lot of the people here, because they DO post here because they are terribly upset and distressed, and thereforeeee the advice for No Contact really is the best for them, to give them a chance to heal and start to move on.

[ILovePasta]

NC is not meant to be a 'game' or a tool used to win back your ex. It's meant for one's own personal healing. Often it is difficult to be in contact with an ex as it is a painful reminder of what once was, but is no more. Assuming that you understand and are accepting of a breakup, I don't think NC is necessary.

 

It really is a 'case by case' type of deal. It's not for everyone, and it doesn't apply to every situation.

[JoeWho]

I agree with honey pumpkin.

[jordan1234]

NC is not meant to be a 'game' or a tool used to win back your ex. It's meant for one's own personal healing. Often it is difficult to be in contact with an ex as it is a painful reminder of what once was, but is no more. Assuming that you understand and are accepting of a breakup, I don't think NC is necessary.

 

It really is a 'case by case' type of deal. It's not for everyone, and it doesn't apply to every situation.

 

i guess thats my point, it seems to be a pretty universal answer, and i think there are times when facing a contacting ex is the best way to handle yourself...

[lady00]

Well, NC isn't about punishing your ex. While in many cases they did nothing wrong, that doesn't mean that by not talking to them you are somehow punishing them as if they had done something wrong, it just means you're focusing on yourself and not them.

 

I agree with the point that being able to chat with an ex and say goodbye and be okay is a great feeling but in my experience it's not something that happens right away. When I think of NC, I think of it as a tempary thing. It could last weeks, months, years. However long it takes. And if there is still a friendship there, well then it will happen naturally and by that point both people will be over each other and have moved on.

 

I think if an ex is a great person, like a couple of mine are, then I really enjoy talking to them. I'm over all of my exes and it feels good. It also feels good to talk to them once in a while, see how they're doing etc because I truly think they are good people and we care about each other.

 

I think the larger point about NC is that it takes time to get over someone and talking to them right away usually increases the amount of time it takes. Since people are usually looking for the shortest healing period, NC is generally the best option. It's not a one-size-fits-all solution but I think its certainly a one-size-fits-most.

 

Every relationship and breakup is different but at the same time many many relationship issues and and breakup problems are remarkably similar. That's why I think NC works so well in so many cases.

[Beec]

I am kind of with you jordan, but I think you need to know when you can contact the ex. If you contact the ex and the conversations automiactially become very emotional, and even more so if they beomce one-sided too, then you need to think on it. If you cannot have that contact without falling into a week or two of depression, or without gushing about how much you miss them, or some other type of behavior which is not productive and potentially harm, then you shouldn't have contact. You need to take some time and space to get yourself and your emotions back in order.

 

However, if you can see them, be relatively unaffected by the conversations afterward, and be civil and friendly, by all means, do it. Not that many people can for long periods of time afterward.

[melrich]

In extreme case when people feel "crazy", i think that its important if not a definate.

 

 

I agree Jordan. It is way over prescribed and it is not for everyone or every situation. It has unfortunately become a bit of a mantra for some here and I think that can often be bad advice.

[lady00]

I agree Jordan. It is way over prescribed and it is not for everyone or every situation. It has unfortunately become a bit of a mantra for some here and I think that can often be bad advice.

 

I am curious...in what sense do you think it can often be bad advice? I'm just wondering because it has worked for me many times in the past. I'm still in contact with most of my exes but I don't talk to them much and don't want to get back together with any of them so I think it worked for me. I think the only cases where NC is 100% always the right thing to do is when the person tells you they don't want to hear from you. That said, I do think NC is still a good idea for most other situations as well, especially when you still want the ex back...but also if you don't but still need time away from them to get over them.

 

But I can imagine there must be some scenarios in which NC is not a good idea. Maybe I can't really think of many because I've never been broken up with someone who wants to work on getting back together in the immediate aftermath? I could see how NC wouldn't really work in that case. Also, if you have kids with the ex, NC makes no sense at all.

[melrich]

I am curious...in what sense do you think it can often be bad advice?

 

Well, there are many, many cases and scenarios. The one that comes to mind immediately because it was a day or 2 ago was the guy who had separated from the mother of his child and people were encouraging him to do NC!

 

I think also some relationships just dissolve naturally to friendship. If you are mature enough to cope with friendship with the ex, then go for it. NC again makes no sense.

[lady00]

Well, there are many, many cases and scenarios. The one that comes to mind immediately because it was a day or 2 ago was the guy who had separated from the mother of his child and people were encouraging him to do NC!

 

I agree with that...I don't think NC ever makes sense when you have children together. You have to talk about the kids. But I do think there could still be some form of no contact in that scenario...where you talk about just the kids and not the relationship. However, I think when you do have kids together you should try to work things out but let some time pass before you approach the subject of the relationship. I'm not for staying together just for the kids but I am for trying extra-hard to work things out. I just don't think it makes sense to discuss a breakup right after its happened....I think letting things settle down and allowing both sides to think about the relationship and the future and how/if they want to work things out makes the most sense.

[jordan1234]

Well, my bnest friend is married to a girl with which they broke up at least 7-8 times over the corse of 8 years. they just went through a lot of different things in their lives. I had dinner with them the other day and she said if he had just ignored her every time she had called then she probably would have moved on. Now i know this is not a constant and its totally needed to NC in many cases, but my point is that in some cases (due to the ex's personality/reason for break up), at least taking their calls is the best way to get over the enbd of the relationship and see if there is a possbiel reconciliation.

[friscodj]

I agree Jordan. It is way over prescribed and it is not for everyone or every situation. It has unfortunately become a bit of a mantra for some here and I think that can often be bad advice.

 

I'd also like to know when was the last time you yourself went through a break up mel?

[melrich]

I had dinner with them the other day and she said if he had just ignored her every time she had called then she probably would have moved on.

 

Oh yes and that is another one. Sometimes there is a chance things can be talked out. If you are in control of yourself, don't bury your head in the sand.

[jordan1234]

Well, there are many, many cases and scenarios. The one that comes to mind immediately because it was a day or 2 ago was the guy who had separated from the mother of his child and people were encouraging him to do NC!

 

I think also some relationships just dissolve naturally to friendship. If you are mature enough to cope with friendship with the ex, then go for it. NC again makes no sense.

 

 

I also agree with this. Its maturity thing. We are adults, we should build ourselves up to be strong enough to at least talk onthe phone with an ex. It is a good exercise. Mindsets are controlable. if you feel weak and helpless, i think in many ways ignoring your ex is only furthering that mindset. Take charge, talk to them confidently and truly, and dont bullsh#t. Be honest, but dont talk abou tht erelationship. They are calling/texting for a reason....

[melrich]

I'd also like to know when was the last time you yourself went through a break up mel?

 

8 years ago.

[lady00]

Well, my bnest friend is married to a girl with which they broke up at least 7-8 times over the corse of 8 years. they just went through a lot of different things in their lives. I had dinner with them the other day and she said if he had just ignored her every time she had called then she probably would have moved on. Now i know this is not a constant and its totally needed to NC in many cases, but my point is that in some cases (due to the ex's personality/reason for break up), at least taking their calls is the best way to get over the enbd of the relationship and see if there is a possbiel reconciliation.

 

That's very interesting. 7-8 breakups sounds like an awful lot. It sounds like those were not real breakups since neither of them moved on and they just kept getting back together. But maybe they were real, I don't know the situation. But I do see your point...getting back together requires talking to each other but that only works if both people want it to stay in contact and work on reconciling. I think the reason there is so much NC advice here is that usually that is not the case with people posting here.

[melrich]

I also agree with this. Its maturity thing. We are adults,

 

Yes and an age thing. Teenagers often don't have the experience or emotional control to handle break ups and NC is very often the best way for them. But many people do develop very good coping skills with age and time and NC just isn't necessary.

 

Don't get me wrong. It's a valuable tool if you NEED it. But it's not for everyone.

[jordan1234]

i hear you, but if an ex calls, they want to talk. Even if its just to be nice, and its not to get back together (which is not the point of NC as stated), whast the harm in getting yourself menatlly prepared to talk to them instead of ignoring them. In the long run what is healthier. They knwo you are ignoring them....and they know why....

[friscodj]

8 years ago.

 

What happened? How was it handled?

[melrich]

What happened? How was it handled?

 

Well it was another classic example of a case where NC was inappropriate. It was the end of my marraige and we had lots to work out financially, legally, logistically and socially. We were amicable throughout and are great friends today.

[lady00]

My biggest fear for people not doing NC is when they have false hope. What you say here makes a lot of sense if you don't have false hope about a reconciliation...if you can take the chats with your ex for just what they are...talking. I think the problem arises when people peg their hopes to things their ex says when their ex doesn't want to get back together. I'm only talking about false hope here...if an ex says "let's work this out" by all means I think talking to them makes sense. But if not, then in talking to them one has to just take the conversations at face value and not expect anything more to come of it. It's hard for a lot of people. And I don't think it's a question of maturity. Sometimes the most mature thing is to realize that you can't handle talking to someone for the moment and to wait until you can handle it instead of taking their calls and getting emotional and feeling upset. When my first bf broke up with me I was a mess and the most mature thing I did in the aftermath of the breakup was take a good long break from talking to him. The least mature thing I did was accept his calls and cry to him over the phone as he told me he wasn't sad about the breakup and didn't miss what we had. That was years ago and I've realized that sometimes, maturity requires admitting to being weak at times and figuring out a rational way to deal with it. Talking to someone who reminds you of source of your pain isn't always the best way to deal with it. Maybe it can be in some situations and in many cases it's necessary (divorce, children together etc.) but in many cases it isn't.

 

I think you bring out a much larger point however...which is that sometimes advice people give is just wrong. Sometimes, because we don't know the person's situation, we make mistakes and give bad advice. People just need to be careful and think about the advice and ultimately they decide what's best for them. It's a balancing act...objective advice from strangers is good but it's colored by our experiences. Mine have shown me that NC works well after a breakup...but who am I to say that will help someone else? I can only pass on advice that helped me through tough times and wish people luck with their own situations.

[friscodj]

Yes and an age thing. Teenagers often don't have the experience or emotional control to handle break ups and NC is very often the best way for them. But many people do develop very good coping skills with age and time and NC just isn't necessary.

 

Don't get me wrong. It's a valuable tool if you NEED it. But it's not for everyone.

 

So you think walking away from a situation, giving yourself and the other person some breathing room, backing up the words of "breaking up" with actions to cleanse the omnipresent residual emotions, albeit on various levels, taking time to grieve and gain a clearer perspective on a situation and your feelings so as to have a clearer and truer friendship and/or reconciliation down the road vs. rushing into something driven by emotions is immature?

[melrich]

My biggest fear for people not doing NC is when they have false hope.

 

What do you think is the psychosis behind NC? Close the curtains and it will go away?

[melrich]

So you think walking away from a situation, backing up the words of "breaking up" with actions to cleanse the omnipresent residual emotions, albeit on various levels, taking time to grieve and gain a clearer perspective on a situation and your feelings so as to have a clearer and truer friendship and/or reconciliation down the road is immature?

 

Not at all, if it works for the person. The issue here is as raised by the OP. This site has become a bit of one prescription shop. It's like a doctor prescribing antibiotics for every patient he sees without really thinking what's wrong with the patient.

 

NC is fine if it is your best method of coping. It's perfect when you don't have the maturity or experience to cope. It's not the only solution.