Disturbing New Trend

[Jayar]

Hey all,

 

For those that don't remember me, basically 6 months ago my ex (BF of 2.5 years) dumped me out of the blue when he was supposed to move in, essentially saying he wasn't happy and didn't know what was wrong. You know, typical "just not that into you" crap... I was devastated, but healed well (I thought) and was honestly starting to feel ready to move on lately.

 

The thing is, the men I am attracted to now are ALL unavailable. They're ALL older men, and some of them are in relationships (even married). It's like I am unable to be attracted now to people my own age, even otherwise EXTREMELY attractive ones. I am not even picking the real George Clooney types either, just regular guys, moderately attractive, with aspects of their personality that draw me in.

 

I am NOT about to pursue any of these relationships at all. I am not like that. I am worth the whole cake anyway, not crumbs. But why am I doing this? Is it some weird sort of defense mechanism? I was thinking maybe I KNOW these guys are unavailable so thereforeeee it takes away that whole element of a surprise broken heart that my ex threw at me? Or maybe I WANT these men to want me so that I know I still have "it" and for some strange reason lately I am only giving credit to the older men?

 

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!

[JoeWho]

Hey all,

 

 

Is it some weird sort of defense mechanism? I was thinking maybe I KNOW these guys are unavailable so thereforeeee it takes away that whole element of a surprise broken heart that my ex threw at me?

 

I think this could be a big part of it and you probably are just not ready yet to be in a relationship. Have you always been attracted to older guys?

[Caterina]

It could be. I've known a lot of people who like people that are in their mind unavailable so that they can acknowledge to themselves that they have sexual/romantic feelings but don't have to actually be in a relationship.

[chigal28]

You were blindsided by someone you truly cared about, so maybe you are protecting yourself from being hurt again by being interested in men you can't possibly have a relationship with? As you said, there's no way you would actually pursue any of these relationships.

[Jayar]

Have you always been attracted to older guys?

 

Yes, sensibly older... I'm 24... I WAS most attracted to guys in their late 20's and early 30's (which I feel is appropriate for my age) but NOW it's only guys who are in their early to mid 40's! With marriages! And KIDS!!! And it's not a sort of "I want to have a future with you" feeling either, it's totally a "I wonder if he'd have an affair" feeling. :sad:

 

I am NOT "other woman" material. I know I wouldn't pursue these relationships and it certainly isn't like I believe any of these men would leave their families for me or anything. It isn't like that. It's just that all my fantasies surround completely unavailable men, and I am worried because there are a few guys more age appropriate (and single) interested in me and I just CANNOT be interested in them.

 

My heart is completely rejecting the idea of a viable relationship. :sad:

[Jetta]

As you said this is a defense mechanism. You know they're out of bounds so they're "safe". As far as your boyfriend catching you by surprise maybe if you understand his reasons for breaking up it would help you heal and avoid these self-destructive relationships. One reason I can think of is he has a fear of commitment and moving in together was too committed for him. He freaked, broke up, and left you shell shocked. It's possible he just wasn't ready to take the next step and wasn't able to communicate his feelings well enough to you. I think by understanding his reasons for the break-up; you'll heal.

[ImThatGirl]

I'd say it's a defense mechanism.

 

Used to always go for unavailable men myself. I knew I'd never want a serious relationship with them so I'd date them, they'd fall for me and I'd leave or I'd be ready if they said they were done. No pain, right?

 

Nope - still painful.... a little niche each time.

[rocio]

Older men are HOT! Especially the married, unattainable ones. I say you get it out of your system. Get with an older man (just make sure he's single, please).

[shes2smart]

I'd tend to agree that it's a defense mechanism.

 

It would seem you're (consciously or unconsciously) picking "safe" targets -- i.e. men who are older, attached...and I'm also guessing it's not just ANY older/attached man...is it ones who you believe would remain faithful to their wife/gf? Can't get much safer than developing an attraction to a guy who wouldn't stray.

 

Well, on second thought you could. You could develop severe crushes/attractions to gay guys. I did that for a while in a post-break-up phase. Seriously, the only guys I'd develop a "thing" for were gay. Looking back at it now, it was "safe" for me and it also gave me a lot of built-in, plausible-sounding excuses for not becoming attracted to someone who was single, available and straight.

 

If you know you will not act on these urges and whatever attention these men may be giving you gives you a little ego boost, I'd just look at it as a phase in your healing.

 

When you are stronger and ready to get into another relationship, don't be surprised if you start picking more likely candidates.

[Dako]

Old married guys are harmless and present none of those troublesome issues that involvement brings. You have the control and are free to do as you please, while he's not free at all.

[flower99]

I also believe it's a defence mechanism

 

Take a look at this link....it sounds like what you are going through....

link removed

wish you happiness