My friend is a stalker!

[rosstheboss]

Hi

My good friend and house mate split up with his long term girl friend about a year and a half ago and is still having problems getting over her.

She has since moved away, got a new job and a new boyfriend. She has also said under explicit terms that she wants no contact with him, email, text, phone, whatever.

It has come to our attention that he's been cyber stalking her (not so bad) but also purposfully driving around her house. His ex is actually becoming worried because of his scary behaviour.

 

How can i go about bringing this up with him and letting him know he's going to end up in court with a restraining order??

 

Thanks for any help.

[Scout]

Gosh, Ross...I don't see any other way you could bring it up than directly. Also, encourage him to talk about his feelings. He may feel that, as a guy, he can't show he's hurting to his friends, but he really needs an outlet right now. Otherwise, well...he could really crack up.

[AwdreeHpburn]

Gosh, Ross...I don't see any other way you could bring it up than directly.

 

I was going to say exactly that. You just need to bust out with it dude. Just say it. Tell him she's scared, tell him its really bad and that he could get into some serious trouble.

[Vessa]

I understand how your friend is feeling. I've "e-stalked" my ex before, and I've had it done to me.

 

I don't know any professional advice for this one -- it's a toughy. Here's what I think: Wanting to be with an ex is alright, but thinking of it compulsively (and acting on it) is not. Why does he want her back so badly? Maybe he has some insecurities that need to be worked out. He shouldn't be attached to his ex so much that he can't stand to live without her.

 

Keep being a good friend to him, and if it comes down to it, maybe some professional counseling might help.

[rosstheboss]

I understand how your friend is feeling. I've "e-stalked" my ex before, and I've had it done to me.

I think we've all done it at some point! Anyway she's only got 1 online profile and it is now firmly set to 'private'.

We've had chats in the past and he does seem to open up a lot once the conversation gets going.

I've suggested counselling to him before as I had it and know the benefits first hand but he does not seem keen.

 

I think direct action is the only way to do this. Thanks for all your help!

[Beec]

I would be direct, but I would ask him first about "if" he has been doing anything like "keeping tabs" on her, etc. Then I would listen or if he lied tell him he was full of it, and explain a little I knew, then ask again and make him tell me a lot, then ask him, doesn't that sound like staling or something. Get the facts out, then show him how it is weird, then begint o talk to him about stopping and consequences if he does not, and possibly suggest professsional help. And also assure him of your confidence and that what he says is only between you.

[4answers]

Firstly: He is lucky to have a friend like you.

 

Secondly: He is caught up in the emotion of his loss, because of this he is listening to his emotions and acting on those in an irrational manner, simply because emotions are not rational but instinctual. However he will not be able to see this.

 

Now the tricky bit. You can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.

 

As a possible suggestion ! Get him in a conversation about a girl he used to know who liked him and he did not like her, Ask him what he felt and does feel towards this girl. Then ask him how he would feel if the girl kept emialing him and driving by his house.

 

Then get him to see that he would feel this way because he has no emotional interest attachment to this girl, Regardless of her emotional interest attachment !

 

Then advise him, this is the emotional position of his ex towards him. She is no longer emotional interested, attached to him and his behavour is having a Negative emotional effect on her. Just as the previous girl would have on him.

 

THIS IS LIFE !

 

(he may benifit from posting on here)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

how does he view his own stalking if you have talked to him about it? is it to relieve his anxiety (i.e., obsessive compulsive, he can't stop, but really wants to), or potential chemical depression, or is it because he thinks he will get her back, or is mad at her and potentially scary, potential to harm her or himself?

 

based on your gut feeling for this, you probably would handle it differently... if he won't consider counseling, but is hating himself for doing this, you can help him by talking to him about his feelings, and trying to gently convey to him, listen mate, this is only scaring her, not making you feel better, and you need to focus on something else... try to get him to post here, or read some other people's threads on how they are feeling, so he has another outlet for his feelings rather than stalking, and might see the advantages of going into no contact with her, and stopping this behavior...

 

but if you think he has a serious enough problem that he might harm himself (suicidal), or her, then you might consider a stronger intervention, with his family or other authorities if he ever mentions the desire to harm her... and if he doesn't start controlling himself, she might take legal action, like a restraining order, so it is best to try to stop this for everyone's sake before he gets there...

 

he might also benefit from a doctor's checkup and some antidepressants or anti-anxiety meds if he is totally stuck on this, so try to encourage him to a regular doctor first, and then maybe from there he might consider counselling...

[prettydance]

I dont think the online stalking is that bad, everyone is guilty of it.. but the driving around her house is very scary.. thats really going over the edge..

 

was she very mean, how she broke up with him?? i think its better to tell an ex to keep in touch and then slowly go away rather than say no contact at all, some people go nuts,