Trying to be friends after LJBF

[philosophia]

Have you ever tried this? After LJBF, you say, ok, I'll just be her friend. No expectations for anything, no plan to try to seduce her. No 'ganji games' or 'freezing her out' in order to get her missing you and attracted to you again. Just try to be friends with her. This is a girl you had a serious crush on, and a legitimate shot with before you blew it, but that is another story. Now you just want to try being friends with her. Why? What are the benefits? A female friend, someone you like, possibly a pivot down the line. Maybe she can hook you up with one of her friends, but probably not.

 

Any thoughts on this? Not a good idea? I'm thinking it may be tough seeing her with another guy after you dated her. Also, the old feelings may continue to grow. I'm just trying to be mature about it - and maybe mature in this case means just trying to be friends for once instead of being bitter and cutting her off from your life.

[Reluctant Rebuilder]

For me this wouldn't work: if I was still interested it would be slow torture to have her dangling in front of me just out of my reach. Depends on how serious your crush is, if it's still running strong you are putting yourself in the path of a whole lot of hurting. I don't think NC is about being mature in that sense, it's about protecting yourself and your emotional state.

[philosophia]

For me this wouldn't work: if I was still interested it would be slow torture to have her dangling in front of me just out of my reach. Depends on how serious your crush is, if it's still running strong you are putting yourself in the path of a whole lot of hurting. I don't think NC is about being mature in that sense, it's about protecting yourself and your emotional state.

 

The crush is not that bad - I'm not in love with her or anything, but I'm still attracted to her. It would suck to lose the friendship we had though. If she wound up dating somebody else I'm not sure how I'd react, I would probably be really upset if I was single. But I don't plan on sitting around obsessing about her, I have some other girls I'm working on.

[cantexplain]

If its not a crush, you are not in love, you are attracted, and she is saying let's just be friends - you are going to be driving yourself crazy and possibly not being a good friend while being distracted and frustrated by unrequitted sexual attraction, maybe?

 

I don't know. It depends on how crazy this makes you feel.

 

I mean I've got plenty of pretty female friends but don't think of them sexually - I think of them as my friend.

 

But women that I have been attracted to and say let's be friends only, I need some distance to get perspective. Sometimes with distance I no longer see them as interesting as a friend - thus must have been sexual attraction, not real friendship with passion.

 

It could mean friends with benefits which, for me, seems a bit gross - unless some kind of physical exclusivity is agreed upon until one or the other calls off the sexual nature of the friendship as agreed - and then it is hard for me to really feel attracted knowing that I am not that special, and that she is maybe the kind of person who just likes to sleep around.

 

So what is your real foremost priority in relation to this person? Sex or friendship? Be honest.

 

Are you willing to risk the friendship in order to have sex?

 

Then you are not that good of a friend.

 

Its understandable that you can't be friends and be sexually frustrated at the same time. This also means it is time to go.

[philosophia]

If its not a crush, you are not in love, you are attracted, and she is saying let's just be friends - you are going to be driving yourself crazy and possibly not being a good friend while being distracted and frustrated by unrequitted sexual attraction, maybe?

 

I don't know. It depends on how crazy this makes you feel.

 

I don't know how crazy it will make me. I've never tried this before - I usually just drop all contact at this point for precisely these reasons. But - in addition to being someone I used to date, I consider her a friend. I'm tired of losing good friends to these types of situations, so I thought I'd try being her friend for once. It will probably suck if I see her with somebody else, I'm not going to lie about that. But maybe in the end I'll wind up with a good friend that I get to keep.

 

 

I mean I've got plenty of pretty female friends but don't think of them sexually - I think of them as my friend.

 

But women that I have been attracted to and say let's be friends only, I need some distance to get perspective. Sometimes with distance I no longer see them as interesting as a friend - thus must have been sexual attraction, not real friendship with passion.

 

It could mean friends with benefits which, for me, seems a bit gross - unless some kind of physical exclusivity is agreed upon until one or the other calls off the sexual nature of the friendship as agreed - and then it is hard for me to really feel attracted knowing that I am not that special, and that she is maybe the kind of person who just likes to sleep around.

 

Yeah, I can see that happening. I'm hoping this will not be the case.

 

So what is your real foremost priority in relation to this person? Sex or friendship? Be honest.

 

Right now, friendship. Although I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't mind sexxing her still.

 

Are you willing to risk the friendship in order to have sex?

 

Then you are not that good of a friend.

 

Yes, but - what kind of friend am I if I can just say 'well to hell with you, then. You just want to be friends? Forget it, I never want to talk to you then.' That's not true friendship either. Seems childish and selfish to me.

 

Its understandable that you can't be friends and be sexually frustrated at the same time. This also means it is time to go.

[jengh]

okay, im sorry i feel really stupid..but what is LJBF?

[philosophia]

'Let's Just Be Friends'

[itsallgrand]

Ah, yeah, the biggest problem here is the horniness factor. Ok, at least for me.

 

It's possible to do it, but it takes time away to get your head on straight.

 

Perhaps I am a crude model of humanity, but I've learned not to underestimate the power of sexual energy. It can be subtly brewing as a tension, usually evidenced with tonnes of uproaring jokes and laughing on my part, or it can be right there compulsing me to jump my 'friend''s bones. Thus, making me act like an idiot (a restrained idiot, but an idiot nonetheless).

 

I think this is why it is easier to do this once dating or with another person you are attracted to.

 

Though it is possible to be friends and have an attraction, but for me, I've had to learn specific ways of dealing with it.

-Never visit the friend when feeling frisky and needing male attention

etc.

-Don't talk or joke about sex

-Masturbate frequently...and before hanging out. Just like a date. ha.

 

After a while, it simmers down. You stop entertaining the possibility in your head, and life goes on. Then you can joke about it .....safely....

 

And, no, I don't think it makes a person a bad friend if they can't do this. I'd rather here upfront the truth than have someone hanging around 'as my friend' with this awkward weirdness around me. What wrong with being so attractive to someone that they need time to treat you as you deserve? Nothing, imo. Real friendships are worth preserving, whatever it takes.

[cantexplain]

 

 

Yes, but - what kind of friend am I if I can just say 'well to hell with you, then. You just want to be friends? Forget it, I never want to talk to you then.' That's not true friendship either. Seems childish and selfish to me.

 

I went through these questions recently in my own case.

 

I realized that respect for myself is of highest priority.

 

We don't say "forget it I never want to talk to you again." We say "I can't be around you right now until my romantic feelings go away. When I get more balance I will call you. You are a good friend and I definitely want to know you for a long time. Sorry this happened. I hope you understand."

[NotReady]

I have been in a situation where a good friend has admitted being attracted to me but we were in a complicated situation at the time. I know personally that once I become attracted to a friend, the dynamics change and it's more than friendship. I would start falling in love with my friend. Can you guys feel intense attraction to a friend without having feelings for them?

[cantexplain]

I have been in a situation where a good friend has admitted being attracted to me but we were in a complicated situation at the time. I know personally that once I become attracted to a friend, the dynamics change and it's more than friendship. I would start falling in love with my friend. Can you guys feel intense attraction to a friend without having feelings for them?

 

Not me.

 

Sure, I can look at a woman and say she is sexy, attractive, pretty - any number of evident qualities.

 

But I can't sustain any real physical attraction (say, in bed) unless there is a deep emotional component, first. This comes through time, friendship, mutual respect, and some shared experiences.

 

Once I have achieved the emotional attraction within the above components, and there is some sexual tension between us (that is, I sense she is attracted to me as well) THEN it is really tough to be just friends. But I will try.

 

If I can't handle it, I try to respect myself and back-off.