NotReady
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Everything posted by NotReady
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Thank you, thank you, thank you so much Blender. I actually did speak to him briefly earlier because he actually had the guts to pick up the phone this time when he had not done so the last 4 months. But I cut it off because he made it clear that the reason he called was that he did not want to be in bad terms with me because he considered me a good friend. So this guilt was not present for the last 4 months, probably bec of this other woman keeping him distracted. And this is what threw me off in a tailspin bec. I was expecting an apology and explanation as to why he just dropped me but as you said, it was all about him again. I just feel ambivalent right now about not having compassion for what he's going through but I am in pain too so I have to think about myself first. I guess I will just explain to him why I cannot be his friend right now if he calls again.
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Another update on my situation. He finally contacted me to explain he did not want to let things end in a bad way and again reiterated he wants to my friendship. However, it makes me question the timing because after 4 months of not being in contact and letting me go just like that by email, he feels guilt all of a sudden? I suspect it didn't work out for this other woman he started dating so quickly and now he wants emotional support. He did say he is depressed and still grieving so now I feel sorry for him. Should I be a friend and offer him comfort? I feel like I'm being used because he couldn't even lift the phone to ask about me when he started dating this other woman and now he wants to know how I'm doing?
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I have been in a situation where a good friend has admitted being attracted to me but we were in a complicated situation at the time. I know personally that once I become attracted to a friend, the dynamics change and it's more than friendship. I would start falling in love with my friend. Can you guys feel intense attraction to a friend without having feelings for them?
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Same here, we need to heal on the inside because of the person we've become as a result. The decision has been made so it's time to move on. Let us know how you're doing.
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Is he married as well? Mine was and the thing is, it is draining because of the uncertainty and the extreme highs and lows of the situation. It is better that you ended it because in my case, he was the one who detached slowly and now I feel used. Just don't expect this to be easy, because it is certainly like an addiction that you have to wean yourself out of. There is a book I read written by Judith Sills, and it's about getting off a dead horse. When most of the time the relationship causes you pain, it is definitely dead, plus the fact that it's wrong too. The way to get off it is to face your fear of withdrawal, and doing what you think and not what you feel.
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I know how you feel because I have been there too that's why I sympathize with you and admire your courage. I have been NC (No contact) with him for about a couple of months now but it still hurts so do not be surprised at how you feel. It is a rollercoaster but the payoff is your peace of mind which you can never have with him.
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First of all, I commend you for doing the right thing. I'm sure as you have read in most of the posts here that regardless of who broke it off, you will feel the loss. It's just part of being human, we will feel a certain grief to just about any attachment we form, whether it be a person, a pet, a job, etc. And this is the time to heal too, for the hurt that this has caused you. Do not worry about him at this point because you had to do what you had to do to break it off and survive emotionally.
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Thank you so much chocolady. You don't know how much your advice helped me in all this. I have been in agony the last few days but I have not responded so far. I don't think I can be friends with him right now so I think I will just let it go and let fate step in.
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Update on the situation. I just received an email recently from my friend saying he's seeing someone which is why he has not been in contact with me but he still wants to keep the friendship. I am hurt by how quickly he turned to another woman (3 months after being widowed) but I don't know if I should respond to him just to show it doesn't affect me anymore and save my pride. Also I refused to be intimate with him right after he was widowed just because I felt used so I don't know if that has anything to do with him turning to someone else. Deep inside I don't want to be in contact anymore but that would only show him I was hurt by what he did. What should I do.
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Please don't do anything rash. A lot of people are in pain too. Have you considered seeing a doctor because it sounds like clinical depression to me although I cannot diagnose you because I'm not one. There's a book by Victor Frankl called "Man's search for meaning" which helped me find some answers. He was a Nazi concentration camp prisoner and survived to tell the tale and explains how there could be meaning in suffering. Hang in there.
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Thank you so much for both your posts. Now I can move on. Thank you chocolady for your perspective because I always felt nothing I did or say made any difference for him after his loss and I felt inadequate. But now knowing what you went through, I can stop the guilt. It is very painful to move on but I know that he will be a different person after he is done with his grieving. I will be a different person too by then so this is more or less the closure I need. Again, I'm glad I found this site.
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I understand and I do feel selfish sometimes to think about myself at this time BUT I AM concerned about his loss. I guess I just feel helpless about not being able to help in his grief where I used to be able to reach out to him before. I even want to apologize for almost overlapping things with me if that is why he has withdrawn but I don't know how it would go.
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Thank you so much for your advice. I've talked to people and they said the same thing to me but I am just in denial I guess. A week has never gone by when we haven't corresponded even by email but he seems to have slowly detached specially right before christmas and now totally gone after the new year. I will do as you have said and let things evolve and see if we're really meant to be.
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Hi all. I just stumbled upon this site and I am so glad to have found it. I have a friend who recently lost his spouse. It was long and drawn out terminal illness and I have become his confidante from the beginning. We became close and developed feelings for each other and it was sort of a mutual understanding that we will eventually end up together when nature has taken its course in his wife's illness. Now I find that he is detaching from me and he did say he was not ready for a relationship but would like to keep the friendship. However, after the holidays, he just stopped corresponding altogether. It hurts to be kept hanging like this and I know he needs more time but I wonder if my not contacting him would seem like I am indifferent to his pain and thinking more of my self presevation or would it be the best thing to do? I would appreciate advice from others who have been bereaved.