Betrayed by my 7 year lover - Please Help!

[cantexplain]

I know her better than she knows herself. Point being: she couldn't string a fly like a yo-yo...she is too sweet. She doesn't have alterior motives, she doesn't conive or plot, thats just the point. She let her emotions and desires take hold of her, and simply flew by the seat of her pants.

 

You think you know her better than she knows herself. She has changed and is changing. Sure, her essential self, that little spark of life the universe blessed her parents with - that will never change. And that spark, I believe was destined to love you and to hurt you. But these are my weird beliefs. One person I dated I felt a really strong attachement to in a strange way - like we'd known eachother in a previous life. When we broke up I felt that it was likely we'd cross paths again, maybe in a future life. And I don't even believe in reincarnation. (And I didn't believe in it in my last life. ) Seriously, I did feel that way and I don't have any sense or knowledge about reincarnation. Now I don't necessarily feel that way. But I remember that I did and give myself some credit that maybe this was true. By the way, my relationship with her was the WORST.

 

Letting her emotions take control of her, and then using dishonesty to succeed in satisfying those emotions is not a good sign, I am sorry.

 

 

I wish I could explain why she cheated on me and why she concealed it from me, and why she didn't dump me afterwards, or beforehand, but it is impossible unless you are either ME or HER to truly understand. We were one person. I am in real bad shape here. I am so alone. What the hell is going to happen?

 

I can't say what will happen. I think you should talk to family and friends and watch movies and keep busy and get real tired like you did the other night, even cry yourself to sleep - stay up all night - whatever it takes to pass the time.

 

 

Sorry.

 

don't be! you need to be angry.

 

 

I just literally will NEVER get over her...She needed to do this for herself, she hasn't done ANYTHING for herself before, NOT ONE THING. She just couldn't bear to tell me it was time.

 

Yes that is what worries me. I have been where she is and I loved my girlfriend (of 7 years, too) so much that I did TAKE the risk and BREAK-UP before finding out what it was like to sleep with another person. And I found out. Yes, the sex was better - for about one year. The relationship did not compare. You see I was moving from a committed, marriage track relationship to being a freebird. SO my choice of partner was not the caliber you are or my first girlfriend was.

 

 

She herself told me that she doesn't see how we won't be together.

 

that is the yo-yo. keeping you gasping at glimpses. she may not realize it, but this is really unfair to you. Iwould never ever say that to anyone and did not tell that to my first girlfriend when I broke it off with her. I will tell you that I felt she loved me so much that she would take me back ... but I broke-off anyway and took the risk.

 

 

Some day after I go through the stages, I promise I will still want her back, and hopefully if she wants me, I can forgive her. Only then will I be truly happy. I will never find someone who was my match...she was the one.

 

no I wish I could say that she was the one for sure. but right now she is someone who lied to you, cheated on you, and is flying off to another continent to be with another man - someone not at all like you.

 

You must forgive her. Trusting her will be your choice, not hers. And you should never forget lest she or someone else does this again.

 

 

I just want someone to say "Don't worry, she loves you, she is just finally getting her rocks off and she will soon get tired of it...if you still love her then, you two will be together..." Then all I need is to learn how to have fun while she has fun, while I wait for her.

 

OK. Don't worry, she loves you, she is just finally getting her rocks off and she will soon get tired of it...if you still love her then, you two will be together...and she may likely do this to you again plus your intimacy and trust will have new challenges.

 

Forget waiting for her. Waiting for her is like paying interest on a debt you do not owe.

 

But do this: learn how to have fun while she has fun.

[cantexplain]

You might say don't call her because then she would feel better about herself. SO WHAT! I want her to feel good. I don't want her to feel pain!

 

cyp, I recall feeling the same way in a No Contact situation I did.

 

I am glad you feel this way. I don't like the law of scarcity and demand side (people want what they can't have) of No Contact - seems manipulative and controlling and if one wants to be in a relationship that is deep and intimate, I don't get it that being manipulative and controlling is a good thing to infuse toward that end.

 

I think a better way to regard that side of No Contact is to think that we do not want to overwhelm the other with our own needs.

 

I can look back at this feeling (she would feel better about herself...I want her to feel good...I don't want her to feel pain!) now and recognize that I was completely disregarding my own interests of not clinging to someone who clearly was not calling me -- or my interest of pulling back to create the space necessary so that she could do what she needed to do and eventually find her way back to me.

 

Its about respecting oneself more than respecting the other.

 

If we can't respect ourselves how can we respect one another?

[Cyprian]

Here is a thread which may be useful for you to weigh the issues surrounding breaking No Contact.

 

Thanks. I think your recent posts have put me in my place though. I also have to read back on the original NC posts...

 

Also, I am going to look around, but do you happen to know any posts where people in long term relationships were cheated on? Or any other people similar to me?

 

I think a better way to regard that side of No Contact is to think that we do not want to overwhelm the other with our own needs.

 

I have to keep remembering this one...

 

If we can't respect ourselves how can we respect one another.

 

I don't know the answer, but I guess that is exactly what I have done. I think I do love myself but I loved her more...

[cantexplain]

but do you happen to know any posts where people in long term relationships were cheated on? Or any other people similar to me?

 

Not really. I am sure there are some gut wrenchers.

 

The ones that tear me up are the ones in which married people find out about affairS that have been going on for years or that happened many years ago. Their trust, if not shattered, is seriously challenged.

 

My neighbor told me that the guy she is dating had a very promiscuous wife. He caught her cheating while she was pregnant with his own child (it was DNA'd).

 

A man who is like an Uncle to me remarried and his wife got sick with cancer. He was with her every step of the way and loved her dearly. After she died a man called him up and wanted to speak with him. Apparently this man did not know my friend and his wife were married at the time of the affair. But later, as she became sick and later died he learned of her marriage. It ate at him so much that he contacted my friend. He told him how sorry he was. My friend was devastated.

 

My dad even after he was divorced would slide his wedding ring back on and hit the bars. His line was that his wife was frigid and that he needed some loving. This was a good enough line for many women who he then slept with and abandoned the next day. He told me this before he died. He also told me that he learned this line when he was married. He told me that my mom was actually dynamite in bed (ooh gross few kids however adult wants to think of that). He told me he had dozens of affairs prior to my being born.

 

Here is a story of what happens to people who engage willingly with cheaters. My mom fell in love with her married boss and had an affair with him which lasted 10 years. They were both Catholic so she could easliy rationalize that he was a good married man, too. His wife died of cancer. My mom's hope was that he would marry her. He cut it off. My guess is that he was only into it for the sex - or that he didn't want his inner circle to find out he had an affair with an employee. My mom never recovered from that heartache. She felt like she had been repeatedly raped and with her will, she said.

[Cyprian]

Thanks for sharing, cantexplain. I really feel bad knowing that these horrible feelings I have have plagued thousands of people. It doesn't seem right, but I guess life isn't fair.

 

I should really look deep in the older posts of this forum to find people in my situation...

[luciand]

I'm in the exact position you are in. I was dating someone I EVER truly loved for a long time, and then she just out and dumps me. I later find out she was cheating on me for a good 2 months. She STILL does not have the guts to tell me the truth.

 

Get over it... this isn't the same person you fell in love with. I realized that after a month of depression/anger/lonelyness. Do I still love her? Yes. Would I still like to be with her? Yes. Should I do that to myself and most likely feel the same issue again later in life? NO NO NO. I DO NOT DESERVE THAT.

 

If I was told in the beginning that things were changing and that she wants to try with this other guy things would be different. Still I would be hurt by what happened and that she could lose her sexual feelings for me, but I would know she is honest, cares for me, and respects me. SHE DID NOT AND SO DID YOURS!

 

Get over it... move on... I know I did. ( Sorry if this seems harsh but I live by logic ) That doesn't mean it won't be hard or you'll get over it fast. However, slowly, if you work things out with yourself, you will move on in life. I know what you're going through, but you will get through it.

[Cyprian]

Thanks for sharing luciand. I don't deserve to go through it again either. I just keep hoping that she might learn to not do that again to anyone in her future...and hopefully I am in her future...

[cantexplain]

Thanks for sharing luciand. I don't deserve to go through it again either. I just keep hoping that she might learn to not do that again to anyone in her future...and hopefully I am in her future...

Helplessly Hoping

[justlookin]

Hey cyprian,Was just reading some of your posts and others on your situation,Sorry about how you are being treated.I was in a simular situation with the No contact .Only mistake I made before I started no contack was (No Closure) Personally I believe there should be Closure before the no contact applies.A time to say goodbye to the individual and the relationship as you knew it.The fact is( People change People )some for the good and some for the bad,you have entered a new world of Distust with this individual and it will never be the same.

[pacopaco]

Hi Cyp,

 

You need to get angry. I was where you were. Similar situation. 7 years down the drain over an affair with her boss (whom she still works with) I got angry, and I'm still angry. you'll get there. It helps to not be afraid of that anger. Anger allows yourself to see that you were not treated right. right now you're thinking "My beautiful girl, she isn't messed up, she only made a mistake." The guy she ran off with, Like my ex's boss did not hold a gun to her head and say "you're coming with me." These girls did not make a mistake, they just weight you over the other guy (me too) and said "I don't care enough about my boyfriend right now to be honest." people change, our needs change. your girl changed, she was just too much of a coward and a liar, or so afraid of her own changes to be honest with you. your girl, like my ex is a coward and messed up in the head. Severe charachter flaw, if you ask me. This I was able to see when I became angry.

For me, getting angry also helped me in letting go of so much. I began to think in my anger "This undeserving girl will never hurt me again. Who was she anyway?" let her go, Cyp. She flew off with him, and probably will become so starry-eyed and amazed at being in a new place, that she'll probably end up doing what she did to you, to him.

the way I see my ex is that she is still living in last february. Still working in the same place keeping contact with her lover. She hasn't moved on, and I know because she had been calling me all last year. Sometimes people think that what they are doing is "moving on," but what they're really doing is fleeing from something internal about themselves that they are too afraid to face. This could last a lifetime.

[majord23]

You need to get angry..

 

...I was thinking exactly the same thing.

[cantexplain]

 

You need to get angry.

He will.

 

Right now he is still protecting his heart and capacity to love. He's gonna be a good catch for a good woman.

[pacopaco]

He will.

 

Right now he is still protecting his heart and capacity to love. He's gonna be a good catch for a good woman.

 

Yeah, just like me! ha ha ! yeah, I went down that road all last year with my ex, thinking that I could help through this "confusion," but the fact is, these people are not confused, they're just racked with guilt and regret, and are looking to the offended party for support and comfort. no, it doesn't work that way. The "confused" can stay that way as far as I'm concerned.

[cantexplain]

Personally I believe there should be Closure before the no contact applies.

 

That is a great point and I will remember this. I am also thinking that where this woman is right now that he SHOULD have a difficult, if not impossible, time accepting and believing what appears to be going on.

 

Not that this life isn't already hard enough - but this might be a case where closure is gonna have to come for Cyprian on his own, not by hashing it out with her. ](*,)

 

I think that they have already talked alot. I think that someday in the distant future she will be better prepared to be more real and then fill her childhood friend here in on what happened - but maybe not. This world of distrust is a horrible one. But it is real.

[cantexplain]

Yeah, just like me! ha ha ! yeah, I went down that road all last year with my ex, thinking that I could help through this "confusion," but the fact is, these people are not confused, they're just racked with guilt and regret, and are looking to the offended party for support and comfort. no, it doesn't work that way. The "confused" can stay that way as far as I'm concerned.

 

I'm with you on that one pacopaco.

 

I think it might have been o this site that I learned from someone who said about their ex: "it is not who you are today that is affecting me, it is all you've done."

 

I like how you put "confused" in quotes. Methinks we could replace confused with selfish and dishonest.

[pacopaco]

I'm with you on that one pacopaco.

 

I think it might have been o this site that I learned from someone who said about their ex: "it is not who you are today that is affecting me, it is all you've done."

 

I like how you put "confused" in quotes. Methinks we could replace confused with selfish and dishonest.

 

 

I agree bigtime, cantexplain. I also knew my ex for a long time before we got together, and it is such a shock! I trusted her with my life. it is such a blow to the psyche when something like this happens. Just as your handle denotes "can't explain," we may get answers, but we may not from these people who were such a part our pasts, that the best anyone person can do is let it go and go. who knows why people become so selfish with the ones they love or loved. what helped me heaps was to realise that it had nothing to do with me. I believe that. we all have our demons, just some of us can't or are too self-absorbed to face and slay them. That's what I think, anyway.

[cantexplain]

it is such a blow to the psyche when something like this happens.

 

Good news is that cyprian is experiencing these things as an adult. Betrayal and humiliation can be very damaging to all, but the later it happens in life, the less likely will be the loss of generalized trust.

 

THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS MORE DAMAGING TO THE HUMAN SOUL THAN BETRAYAL AND HUMILIATION.

 

It cannot be explained. It is what it is. We must survive and not become that which has changed us.

[cantexplain]

who knows why people become so selfish with the ones they love or loved. what helped me was to realise that it had nothing to do with me. I believe that. we all have our demons, just some of us can't or are too self-absorbed to face and slay them. That's what I think, anyway.

 

Interesting thoughts here.

 

I read recently that we are more likely to be dishonest with people we know than with strangers. We are also more likely to be dishonest with our spouse or SO than anyone else.

 

The kicker is that honesty, at least to me, is a pin that holds true intimacy together. So once dishonesty is injected into a relationship supposedly based on love - and trust is affected, doubt, hesitation and etc. replaces intimacy. AND once something like sexual infidelity comes into the equation, what's the point of continuing? And poor cyprian here had to experience the humiliation of loving his girlfriend physically while she was talking to and planning to return to this other guy.

 

To understand that sexual infidelity has nothing to do with you is vital, I feel. Cheaters have this thing about saying they cheated becasue certain needs weren't met. As far as I am concerned, they can get ALL those needs from someone else. See ya' later liar!!

 

What you say about self-absorption getting in the way of personal change is very interesting. I will be thinking about that one.

 

Thanks!

[Cyprian]

Sometimes people think that what they are doing is "moving on," but what they're really doing is fleeing from something internal about themselves that they are too afraid to face. This could last a lifetime.

 

Profound.

 

I trusted her with my life. it is such a blow to the psyche when something like this happens.

[/Quote]

 

Its good to know that I am not alone - other people have been betrayed by the one that they thought they could trust over all others. I just wonder how you (or I for that matter) will be able to trust anyone in the future - total and complete trust (like that of the past relationship). I personally do not see myself ever becoming that vulnerable ever again...I also learned that you can never be 100% certain of ANYTHING.

 

And poor cyprian here had to experience the humiliation of loving his girlfriend physically while she was talking to and planning to return to this other guy.

 

Not only that, the possibility that I have an STD, and the idea that SHE didn't even give me the option of knowing that I was at risk, and WASN'T EVER GOING TO makes me really sick. Angry, I should say...

 

See ya' later liar!!

 

I love her though. Also, I have a question: if I betrayed my mother or father to the same extent that I was betrayed by my lover (granted it cannot be exactly the same betrayal, but just imagine something else of equal magnitude)...would my mother or father just implement NC and never talk to me again? Wouldn't they do anything they could to help me, someone they truly love deeply, if they saw some horrible character flaw developing? I don't really see how a lover is any different. The fact that she thinks she is simply changing should be irrelevant if she indeed has a character flaw, and since nearly every single person who replies says that she has an obvious character flaw, I don't see why she doesn't deserve every ounce of my effort to help her.

 

I enjoyed reading all the recent posts on this thread, they are really helping me cope with this whole situation. I just wonder how I will ever really get over this. I guess the answer is that I will not get over it, but I will learn from it. If I can't trust HER to stay honest, loving, caring, wonderful, etc...how can I trust anyone else? When I get into my next long term relationship, even after years and years I will always know in my heart that nothing is for certain...

 

Thanks to all of you for making me start to get a little angry. I can see you guys are trying to push me in the right direction ( Instead of only feeling love and hope, I am starting to feel a little anger in the mix. Thanks.

[pacopaco]

Profound.

 

 

 

 

 

I enjoyed reading all the recent posts on this thread, they are really helping me cope with this whole situation. I just wonder how I will ever really get over this. I guess the answer is that I will not get over it, but I will learn from it. If I can't trust HER to stay honest, loving, caring, wonderful, etc...how can I trust anyone else? When I get into my next long term relationship, even after years and years I will always know in my heart that nothing is for certain...

 

Thanks to all of you for making me start to get a little angry. I can see you guys are trying to push me in the right direction ( Instead of only feeling love and hope, I am starting to feel a little anger in the mix. Thanks.

 

Learning to trust another isn't going to come from your ex. That has to come from you. flow with it. don't push yourself to trust, but don't push yourself in the other direction, either. This will make more sense to you when your mind is clearer. Also, about the anger. Yes, it's ok to get angry. don't do anything bad, and remember that you're angry because you were wronged. Don't hold the anger let it flow and let it go when you feel that you can. As good as that anger is, it can also serve to make you bitter (not against your ex) and resentful so that you will miss out on ever being to trust another again. Know that you can't carry the anger. it needs to come and then go. I feel I'm here now. I met three girls last week. Do I feel good about it? Oh yeah! but I'm also thinking of things, and I am on guard. it's healthy, to be, but it's also healthy to give someone new the benefit of the doubt, at least until you can see what it is you do not want, and I think that's ok too. This'll will all come to you, as I said, when you're not as emotional.

[Cyprian]

I don't really think I will have trust issues in the future, I just think that the level of trust I exhibited towards my EX will be a one time thing. I am not saying I will not be able to have a healthy, loving, trusting relationship with a woman in the future...simply that trusting any person 100% is not healthy (even trusting yourself 100% is not ideal - we are not always in the right state of mind and everyone makes mistakes).

 

I'm not the type of person that would really act on this anger. I know many people who would have done something evil back to HER after she did this to me. Most of my friends have suggested I get even, in a multitude of ways. If I did something in retaliation, whether it is something I do to her, or something I do to myself (such as having a one night stand with another girl) I would not feel better. In fact, I believe "getting even" would make me feel worse in the end.

[cantexplain]

I love her though. Also, I have a question: if I betrayed my mother or father to the same extent that I was betrayed by my lover (granted it cannot be exactly the same betrayal, but just imagine something else of equal magnitude)...would my mother or father just implement NC and never talk to me again? Wouldn't they do anything they could to help me, someone they truly love deeply, if they saw some horrible character flaw developing?

 

Good question.

 

Parents are programmed to forgive more readily that anyone else. But that doesn't mean they might trust a troubled kid, or forget what behavior is possible.

 

Yes, parents will reach further to help a child than maybe anyone - but sexual infidelty and dishonesty about it are not things an ex-lover can fix. I'm not sure that even parents can. Your old girlfriend is going to have to learn to fix this within her through her pain, not yours. Remember Cyprian, it is not like you both agreed that for your relationship to be tested you need to explore. From what I understand, you two even had discussed that someday you might mutually choose this. But what she did is much worse. You are beginning to see how much worse. There was noting mutual about it. It was all about her.

 

In time she might turn to her parents for help. How many affairs with one or more people did her mom have? Does her Dad know, for sure?

 

No Contact is not about punishing, it is about protecting. If you were a bad enough kid your parents just might go No Contact. So you want to protect her by contacting her?

 

I was rotating my tires this morning and then just fell back on asphalt, staring at the sky, and thinking about my last big break-up. It occurred to me that if I hadn't forgiven her, that I am in no position to talk to her. Do you think you have forgiven her, yet?

[Cyprian]

No I have not forgiven her. How can I forgive her when she has no TRUE regret? How can I forgive her when she hasn't even attempted to contact me? I really thought that she would be calling at least once every few days...7 years of a loving relationship...this just does not seem like the right end to it. When a parent will not turn their back on their child EVER because of their love for them, why should I turn my back on HER? I don't know if I will ever forgive her, but that doesn't mean that I have to never speak with her, does it? How can I forgive her when she is still with my replacement?

[cantexplain]

No I have not forgiven her. How can I forgive her when she has no TRUE regret? How can I forgive her when she hasn't even attempted to contact me? I really thought that she would be calling at least once every few days...7 years of a loving relationship...this just does not seem like the right end to it. When a parent will not turn their back on their child EVER because of their love for them, why should I turn my back on HER? I don't know if I will ever forgive her, but that doesn't mean that I have to never speak with her, does it? How can I forgive her when she is still with my replacement?

 

Nobody can replace you.

 

For my own purposes I am curious what would you get out of speaking to her prior to forgiveness?

 

Sharing yourself with someone you feel close to and who has humilated and betrayed you?

 

Finding out reasons, for this break-up, that you can' t trust?

 

Feeding an old feeling of delight you'd get from hearing her sweet (and deceptive) voice?

 

All the old girlfriends I have who who were worth future, friendly contact, broke No Contact & contacted me. The others I never heard from again and I am much the better for it. (Talking to myself there.)

[Cyprian]

I was replaced, plain and simple.

 

I would be able to speak with her for the first time after I learned the full truth...we did have our last conversation, but at that time I did not know all the facts.

 

I don't only feel close to her...there is something more to it.

 

The voice I would hear from her would be neither sweet nor deceptive...it would be a new voice that I haven't really heard before. I don't think she would lie to me any more than she has...what else would she lie about?