insane jealousy

[anheyla]

I recently moved in with my boyfriend of a year and a half. We are expecting our daughter in May. We have a great relationship. He is nine years my senior and very good to me.

 

The problem is my insane jealousy. We work at the same place but I am out for pregnancy complications. My life went from 85mph to 5mph as soon as I was pulled from work. I am limited in everything I do. Another guy at our work is having a baby as well. His "wife" is due around the same time I am so my boyfriend and the guy talk to each other about their situations. This is fine and I am happy he has someone to talk to.

 

Last night, he made a comment that she (the guy at work's wife) isn't like me and continued to mock me and make fun of my pregnancy concerns. This hurt me. I feel like he is always comparing me to her. She is older, more established, married etc. He sends his old books over to her but doesn't offer them to me.

 

So it turned into a huge fight and he told me to leave, which hew never did before. I left for an hour and came back and went to bed. He was already sleeping. Today he is gone at work all day.

 

I don't know how to make this better. I am truly sorry and embarrassed but I do this all the time. Once or twice weekly. We fight but I am the one saying all the insae things and pulling all this crap out of no where and throwing it at him. I know he doesn't deserve it at all. I don't know what to do to control myself and to be able to tell him something to compromise so that he won't give up on me and our child. I dont think he would but I know a man can only take so much and I am terrible!

 

Please help.

[Kalika]

Wait, he was mocking you and making fun of your pregnancy concerns..? Why are you blaming yourself??

[xmrth]

I agree with you... there's definitely a better way to handle it. Just do the opposite of what you're doing now, because he's with you, you two are having a child together, and he probably won't even care about the "comparison" once your child is born because you two will be so swept up in taking care of her.

He's comparing... but at least it's just about that-- just explain to him that everyone's different. I bed he'd be surprised to know more men in his situation unlike this one guy. Don't they have anything better to talk about, though? If you say that you've got to be pleasant... don't want to sound like it's more of the same. And that guy he's talking to could be hiding all the not so 'perfect' things in his own situation. Whether it's good or bad, nobody ever knows the full situation.

[anheyla]

I know I do not react rationally. He told me he was kidding but I am over emotional and take it to the extreme.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Pregancy is a very hormonal time... for some women, it is like having a raging case of PMS that goes on for 9 months! Do you find that lots of things irritate you, or is you boyfriend just being unsympathetic to you during this time...

 

You should not be jealous of anyone else's response to pregnancy, since everyone is different. some people love being pregnant, and some people are miserable the entire time. but if the real issue is that your boyfriend is being callous towards you during this time, then you need to stop and discuss the real issues, which is NOT this other pregnant women, but how he is treating you, and how you are responding with jealousy.

 

are you insecure because he hasn't married you, and this other woman is married? by that i mean, are you afraid your boyfriend is not commited enough to you and your child, or resents your pregnancy and does not want this baby? these are all issues that you probably need to discuss, to get out into the open how you need to handle yourself as a family once your child is born...

 

i honestly think it was wrong of him to ask a pregnant woman to leave the house after a fight, especially if you are home due to pregnancy complications... he could have left himself if he was that angry, but ordering YOU to leave shows that he feels some sense of possession over the living quarters (i.e., is it HIS house vs. YOUR house together) and a lack of concern for you and your baby's health...

 

it really sounds like you might need a little counseling and some discussions held when you are not fighting, more sit down negotiations to try to solve the conflict between you, as well as your lingering fears/doubts about how committed he is to you and your child as a family.

 

him making light of your pregnancy concerns may have a deeper meaning, i.e., are you sure he wants to be a family with you, and does he resent your pregnancy? all that needs to get out into the open and dealt with, so that you don't continue focusing on what is probably not the real problem, this other woman, but what is going on in your own relationship due to the pregnancy...

[sweethurt]

I may have never been in a relationship, so my advice would be a totally independent perspective. Look, if you keep bringing up the fight, he may start thinking about your long term compatibility issues and all of it in the wrong light.

however, there might be things that you should clearly state, that being the mother of his child, he needs to show more concern for you than "her", because she has got somebody else to take care of her.. you might want to ask him to take more care of you in crucial times, and it may be the hormones that cause mood swings.

books might be just the wrong thing you blowed out of proportion, may be he was asked to lend them, and if you need those same books, then you might as well ask you to bring them back for you, or buy new, whatever, but only if you need.

also there is nothing wrong in aplogizing if you had mistaken. ups and downs are a part of life after all.

[anheyla]

how do I compromise with him to talk where he will believe me sinc eI do this all the time. I mean really, why would he believe me when we just had a talk 4 days ago and I did it again.

[sweethurt]

tell him what you really feel and that you are finding hard to find the right emotions and expressions and need his help and support, plainly, not like an over stretched talk.. tell him you need his care to find balance,, that is it and that is not hard to give.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

as long as you don't keep talking about the exact thing over and over... you should always be able to talk if it is making progress...

 

so don't go into being jealous of this woman, tell him that the pregnancy is making your very hormonal and you are feeling insecure... don't go into blaming behavior, just tell him you are having a difficult time dealing right now, and can you please avoid sensitive topics (like him bringing up the other pregnant woman)... and whenever you have the urge to blow up about something, take a deep breath, count to 10, leave hte room and get a cup of tea, just try calming yourself down and remind yourself how the hormones are making thing harder for you right now... just apply some anger management strategies, and try not to work yourself up...

[Kalika]

I always hated that when I was pregnant, if I was ever upset, I would always get dismissed as though I'm just "hormonal"..

 

You can just calmly tell him that you are scared he might not have the same feelings for you as he does someone else. Be honest with him about how he's making you feel. If he doesn't respond to that, or makes fun of you more or just doesn't listen to you, then you definitely have to consider what other problems your relationship may have.

[Getting Better]

i think that you need to resolve these jealously problems and stop the arguing, it is doing neither of you any good and will just push you apart and when the baby is is born you need your engery for that and also its not fair on a child to be having arguments. I think that to mock you is not nice and he should be more repectfull towards you.

[Emmylu]

Don't prove anything to him. Prove it to yourself. You are not proud of the way you act. It was below your own standards. If you're gonna make changes, do it to make yourself proud. Regain your self-respect. Your bad emotions hurt the baby too. Next time you're about to lose control, imagine your baby is witnessing that behavior. You're gonna be a proud mother so hold your head high.