Leaving Dear Jon Letters

[Openheart1]

Hi all,

 

It has been a pretty long time since my girlfriend and I broke up, but I wanted to run by you something I read this evening. It disturbed me a great deal. It was essentially a guide for how to break up with someone. It stated in no uncertain terms that the best way is to just leave while your future ex is out of the residence at work or trip or something.

 

I find this absolutely dishonorable, cowardly, and plain cruel to have your ex come home to an empty house to discover the one that he/she loved has left him without a word. While it may be easier to not have to deal with the situation, it is certainly not the way to go, especially if it was a loving and caring relationship the entire time. Of course, if abuse or anything like that is involved, you have the right to forgo your obligations to the other person, but outside of those circumstances how can one ever justify leaving the other person like that?

 

I'd appreciate your input.

[poloplayer]

Hi,

 

how can one ever justify leaving the other person like that?

 

However one so chooses to.

 

I know of a girl who wrote a letter like that, and I know a couple of guys who were dumped by text/e-mail. One guy was dumped via a friend, i.e., his (ex)gf's friend told him that them two were no longer together.

 

Call it what you will, but, to me that tells me everything I need to know about someone's character, and in the end, that's what matters most to me. Looks and personality are important, but someone's character is why I really would want to be with someone, be it platonic or romantic. Looks are on the outside, personality is their behavior and how they present themselves on the outside, but character is who they really are. If it happened to me I'd probably be fuming with many * * *'s, but hopefully I knew enough about a person and was able to form a good judgment about them before committing and placing myself in a situation like this in the end. Everyone in the dating world has their own agenda, and for the most part, it's free reign out their. I bet some people will find a "Dear John" letter to be perfectly acceptable.

[arrrrffff]

Openheart,

 

The world and it's inhabitants can indeed be very cruel. We have people endorsing lots of negative advice.

 

However, ya know what? Your heart doesn't feel like this is the right thing to do. My heart also doesn't think so either. So it is settled. That authors advice is hurtful. poloplayer, is correct... it shows character. It shows you, who you DO NOT want to spend your life with.

 

Do not dwell or even give these authors an audience, and focus on the positives (ie. the goodness in our our life).

 

Differently, suddenly leaving your loved one when you've tried and tried, and still they close the door and leave you alone (NC), is totally, okay because there any attempts to stay is futile at the moment.

[EvaGina]

My mother came home to an empty house after a weekend at her parents... She has never recovered from the humiliation.

 

I have no idea what could compell anyone to be so cowardly and cruel.

[sweetheart21]

I find this absolutely dishonorable, cowardly, and plain cruel to have your ex come home to an empty house to discover the one that he/she loved has left him without a word.

Wow that is awful! Anyone who did that would have to have a very good reason.

 

I did something similar once though. I moved out when my bf was away. But it was because he was always threatening to throw me out and change the locks. So I was terrified if I told him he would send his friend over who has a spare key to change the locks on me. I rang him and told him once I had moved everything out. And we are still friends now.

[kadvati79]

My ex (we had been going out for nearly two years) dumped me through MSN (Instant chat).

 

I don't generally think the person intends to be cruel, I think its a demonstration of a persons ability to deal with difficult situations. The result, nonetheless, is not pleasant.

 

But, at the end of the day, the result is the same however the breakup occurs. The relationship is over, broken hearts.

[Openheart1]

Is it possible to remain friends after someone is capable of showing their inability to deal with difficult situations by leaving a Dear Jon Letter, blaming you for the breakup, and basically exposing their true character? What does it take?

[poloplayer]

Hi,

 

I think its a demonstration of a persons ability to deal with difficult situations.

 

Good stuff, and this is exactly why I wouldn't want to associate myself with someone like this. So when adversity hits, do you run? Or do you face life on life's terms? Are you wo/man enough to date someone, possibly have a relationship with them, and perhaps have sex with them, but you are not wo/man enough to speak with them face to face about difficult situations?

 

In cases of abuse I can see the appropriateness of leaving such a letter, but assuming that someone lost interest, doesn't want to be oglibated to someone at this time, wants to be single for a while, wants to date others, etc., basically, nothing which indicates abuse, then this is nothing but a cowards way out who shys away from difficult or awkward situations. I'm not saying that I enjoy being placed in a spot like this, but I am not going to run away or drop hints for the other person to just leave.

 

Is it possible to remain friends after someone is capable of showing their inability to deal with difficult situations by leaving a Dear Jon Letter, blaming you for the breakup, and basically exposing their true character? What does it take?

 

Of course, anything is possible, but why would I want to be friends or associate myself with someone when I know what they are like? Especially when what they are like is not what I am like nor is it what I find attractive and look for in someone else?

[Parsley]

I was broken up with via email and it took me awhile to realise how upset that in itself made me. When a previous ex and I broke up, we spoke about it for a long time, then decided to split. This was a lot easier...it meant that the words we had exchanged soon blurred and I couldn't go back and read any more into them.

 

With the email, not only did I have to read it twice (he sent it to two of my addresses) but the shock meant that I just closed them and then had to go back to delete them. I couldn't help rereading them...and now the words stick in my head like bright neon flashing lights and remind me everyday how much he hurt me. They are, as you have said, demonstrations of how people deal with difficult situations, and yes, now I've seen what a coward this man was. He'd sent me messages beforehand that had scared me - but when I saw him in person he apologised and said he hadn't meant it, and reassured me everything was ok. Even slept with me. After the break up I had no way to contact him apart from email, and though he answered 1 of my questions, he ignored the rest, something he couldn't done if he'd have done it in person.

 

I don't think there's any way to show less respect to the person you are hurting than by refusing them the chance to ask questions and find out everything they need to know to move on.