Another boyfriend watching porn thread

[cantexplain]

Are most guys unhappy with this "holding back" aspect of the relationship, then? I'm honestly confused...I guess I've always been naive, but lately now that I've been looking into other's opinions on guys and their "urges", it seems that for the most part, all men want to screw other women, period.

 

I was just thinking about this kind of stuff this morning - but not about men, in general - but men and women, in general.

 

As for me there is no "holding back", anymore.

 

About 15 years ago I CHANGED from a guy who wondered about being with women other than my girlfriend into a guy who, not only intellectually but also emotionally, wanted to invest and think of only one woman, period.

 

In all of the relationships I've been in since then I have had a singular focus sexually and emotionally on only the person I am dating and/or pursuing. It is entirely natural - no forcing, no holding back.

 

And let's be realistic here - some women this scares! They say they want it and then when they get it ....

 

Now that I am this way, the only kind of partner that my style will work with is one who has genuinely arrived at this same place of singular focus. Sure, I may notice a pretty woman just like I'd expect my partner to notice a handsome man - but undressing these people with my mind and fantasizing about them sexually is just not in me when there is someone else in my heart.

 

There is so much to be gained within a truly committed relationship. The levels of intimacy which can be achieved for both parties are very rewarding. One problem, I think, is that some people are afraid of these higher levels of intimacy and so their mind strays to fantasies of other, more shallow encounters, etc. And that, I believe, is the first step toward acting on these.

 

Perhaps one needs to experience these higher levels of intimacy before realizing the value of a truly committed partnership - and what I am contending here is that it is not just an intellectual realization, but a real orientation of the spirit, soul, heart, mind, and member!

[doyathink]

cantexplain, I have to tell you..I admire your posts. You and Northalius truly have my appreciation when it comes to the way you think and treat women.

 

I know in my younger years I didn't always think the way I do now...and it would usually lead me to trouble. I don't know how any one would not want their partner to be exclusive to them...mind, body and soul.

 

It's so easy for any of us to fantasize about other attractive ppl...were human....and to some degree, I suppose we all do. It's when we allow ourselves to do it in a sexual way that, in my mind, is cheating.

 

Having self control over ones mind is not always an easy task...however, it does make that commitment even stronger. I know that if my partner would do this.....I would and could love him the way he wants me too, but when I see him looking up other women ALL the time on the internet....it brings resentment and I have withdrawn from the relationship. I have a wall up now, which has kept me from giving all of my love to him because it hurts me.

 

Anyway, I commend the both of you for such honesty and integrity.

[cantexplain]

You and Northalius truly have my appreciation when it comes to the way you think and treat women.

 

Thanks.

 

I know in my younger years I didn't always think the way I do now...and it would usually lead me to trouble. I don't know how any one would not want their partner to be exclusive to them...mind, body and soul.

 

Apparently many people have to come to this realization at some point.

 

It's so easy for any of us to fantasize about other attractive ppl...were human....and to some degree, I suppose we all do. It's when we allow ourselves to do it in a sexual way that, in my mind, is cheating.

 

Yes, by nature it is our job to procreate. We guys are supposed to inseminate the world. Meanwhile you women I'm guessing, are torn between finding someone who will stay around and protect you and your children - and someone who is very different from you in a process to create fit and pathogen-resistant offspring.

 

In the end, it is a social choice. Some choose to be monogamous, some don't. I believe that some people get around so much they can even lose the potential for an appetite for love and devotion.

 

Having self control over ones mind is not always an easy task...however, it does make that commitment even stronger. I know that if my partner would do this.....I would and could love him the way he wants me too, but when I see him looking up other women ALL the time on the internet....it brings resentment and I have withdrawn from the relationship. I have a wall up now, which has kept me from giving all of my love to him because it hurts me.

 

As for me I have matured in a way that there is not much self-control necessary. I truly am turned-on by and want only my partner. If my wife was looking at porn I would not like it at all. It would feel humiliating.

 

I had one girlfriend (we were both very young) who used to tell me that when she got married the guy would have green eyes, dark hair, and a British accent. She also wanted me to get engaged with her (I have blonde hair blue eyes). There is no wonder I never proposed! Eventually she sabotaged the relationship by cheating on me. I was crushed. I met someone else. She was crushed.

 

 

Northalius, are you out there?

 

What do you (and others, of course) think of this theory:

 

Perhaps these men in these threads are being preyed upon, by pornography, as adults. They can't see it.

 

We all need to be more compassionate with them.

[Caprica]

can'tesplain, I have to tell you..I admire your posts. You and Northalius truly have my appreciation when it comes to the way you think and treat women.

 

 

+infinity

 

The women in their lives are very lucky indeed.

[Altruist]

I totally agree with the sentiments expressed by Northalus and Cantexplain. It's a sign of selfishness and disrespect for a man to look at porn right infront of his partner, or anywhere for that matter. Watching porn is setting yourself up for a lot of problems, least of which is addiction. THe problem with porn is that it is like a drug. The moment you start, you will always be looking for the next high and that means something more explicit the next time. I wouldn't even recommend watching soft porn because thats were the problem starts. It then progress towards hardcore stuff. I've read testimonies of men who used to spend more than twenty hours per day just cooped up infront of the computer watching porn. That's not healthy at all.

Worse still, as the addiction strengthens the addicted begins to take more risks and may start to act out the fantasies in real life (swinging, S&M etc). As the addiction progresses further it may reach a crisis level (bestiality, necrophilia, etc).

In my opinion, porn addiction should be treated like any other addiction and help should be sought as quickly as possible. Like all other addictions, it doesn't go away on its own except in a few cases where the individual is highly motivated to take action. To the ladies, if your partner spends too much time on the computer but cannot explain his activities then alarm bels should start ringing in your mind.

[Superfreak]

I totally agree with the sentiments expressed by Northalus and Cantexplain. It's a sign of selfishness and disrespect for a man to look at porn right infront of his partner, or anywhere for that matter. Watching porn is setting yourself up for a lot of problems, least of which is addiction. THe problem with porn is that it is like a drug. The moment you start, you will always be looking for the next high and that means something more explicit the next time. I wouldn't even recommend watching soft porn because thats were the problem starts.

 

Oh for gods sake, I cannot believe so many of the people on this forum are of this opinion.

 

Let me use your EXACT logic to illustrate the problem with it:

 

"Watching "Friends" is addictive. The problem with this show is that many people watch it for entertainment and *gasp!* the show might entertain people. The fact that they are entertained may lead to addiction of the show and they may watch the show once a week or maybe even watch it for half an hour everyday . I wouldn't even recommend watching "Joey", because even thouh it's a softer-core version, it may lead to you watching "Friends", which is a bad thing."

 

Notice that the case made is the EXACT same. Some people really enjoy watching "Friends", and outsiders may say they're "addicted" to watching "Friends". In reality the person simply likes watching Friends and no one says anything because Friends isn't sexual. On the other hand a mention of porn and everyong goes "ZOMG EVILLLLL SEX !" And this is despite the fact that in both cases the so called "addiction" is the same, its simply being a "fan" (and I'd even say that the addiction is healthier as the typicaly guy will watch porn for 5 minutes til he's busted, then turns it off, so it takes up less of his time.)

 

(For the record, I hate the show friends but it was on tv when I was posting this )

 

Honestly, if a girlfriend doesn't want her b/f watching porn in front of her then fine, that's reasonable (although those couples are missing out on the enjoyment my girlfriend and I get when we watch a porn movie and then in a couple minutes start "doing our own scene "). But for someone to say "No porn EVER" is ridiculous.

 

What if the guy in your life said that you should stop reading or watching romance novels and/or movies, because he didn't like the possibility that you were fantasizing about the man in those? I'd be willing to bet you'd refuse and think he had serious confidence problems and likely look down on him for it.

 

What you guys aren't realizing is that porn is directly equivalent to romance novels/movies, BOTH of them involve fantasy. Both of them just let you escape in to a fantasy world for a few minutes (or in the case of romantic comedies, tedious amounts of hours), and once you're done you turn it all off and don't really give it a second thought. Impact on your relationship=ZERO !

 

Now I'll wait for the inevitable "But romance has making love but porn has "EVIL SEX!" in it" response. And I'll be sad that people won't realize the two are the exact same things.

[cantexplain]

"But romance has making love but porn has "EVIL SEX!" in it" response. And I'll be sad that people won't realize the two are the exact same things.

 

In your post above you seem to equate previous poster's points of watching any porn as an addiction. I think the point should be, as I think you are getting at, is that watching "Friends", reading romance novels, or watching porn can become an addiction.

 

But my big response here is that romance is not evil sex and porn is not romance. I should leave my response at that .. but for the benefit of others ...

 

Romance is, among other things, doing what is good for the other despite your own needs and wants.

 

Superfreak you are apparently not addicted to porn. I also respect your freedom to view porn and your freedom to use it as a prelude to your real-life experiences with your girlfriend. I do not judge you. And if you were a gal I'd take this as a sign you have a style of character not appropriate for mine. So good for both of us there are many kinds.

 

As for me I still feel that porn is an objectification, making the other an object of sex. Love works differently. Love is a selfless place where the subject loving is concerned for the needs and wants of the object loved. Love makes the object the subject.

 

Watching porn is about the viewers pleasure, not the TV's or the actors and actresses. They are objects. The risk, in my opinion, in the continued objectification of the other like this, is a change in character, or a neural-programming if you will, generating toward a loss of an ability to be truly intimate and deeply focused toward the other (as subject). I've seen this happen to people becoming more and more promiscuous. In my observation they simply lose that ability to be deeply intimate the more partners they have. Intimacy becomes harder and harder for them! I suspect that the use of porn has the same effect. Just my theory.

 

Addiction, to me, is marked by many things, including that the use of the thing one is addicted to is causing problems.

 

The point of this thread is that someone's boyfriend use of porn is causing problems for her, and I'd say him, too, if he doesn't want to risk losing her.

 

Others of you can watch all the porn you want!!

 

5 minutes, 'eh? I suggest focusing on the other and see that you can last for hours!!

[Superfreak]

In your post above you seem to equate previous poster's points of watching any porn as an addiction. I think the point should be, as I think you are getting at, is that watching "Friends", reading romance novels, or watching porn can become an addiction.

 

But my big response here is that romance is not evil sex and porn is not romance. I should leave my response at that .. but for the benefit of others ...

 

 

No, porn is not romance, nor is it what a real relationship is like, and it doesn't make any attempt to pretend to be. At the very least it's clear about this. What you don't mention is that romance novels are also not even close to what a real adult relationship is like. Anyone who thinks they are is a moron who's never had a real adult relationship.

 

 

 

Superfreak you are apparently not addicted to porn. I also respect your freedom to view porn and your freedom to use it as a prelude to your real-life experiences with your girlfriend. I do not judge you. And if you were a gal I'd take this as a sign you have a style of character not appropriate for mine. So good for both of us there are many kinds.

 

I also respect your choice not to view porn, but I abhor anyone's attempt to shame others for watching it in private.

 

As for me I still feel that porn is an objectification, making the other an object of sex. Love works differently. Love is a selfless place where the subject loving is concerned for the needs and wants of the object loved. Love makes the object the subject.

 

This generalization of porn is unreasonable. It's true that some porn may objectify women as mere objects of pleasure (although there is porn that also objectifies men, usually involving some sort of "dominatrix" character), but you cannot generalize porn based on its worst examples. That's like generalizing that all hollywood movies are bad based on a few movies that glorify violence. Or like saying all hollywood movies are bad because they promote racial stereotypes. The reality is that some hollywood films might depict things that are harmful (i.e glorification of violence), but it's unreasonable to generalize ALL films based on this handful.

 

Watching porn is about the viewers pleasure, not the TV's or the actors and actresses. They are objects. The risk, in my opinion, in the continued objectification of the other like this, is a change in character, or a neural-programming if you will, generating toward a loss of an ability to be truly intimate and deeply focused toward the other (as subject). I've seen this happen to people becoming more and more promiscuous. In my observation they simply lose that ability to be deeply intimate the more partners they have. Intimacy becomes harder and harder for them! I suspect that the use of porn has the same effect. Just my theory.

 

You honestly suspect that viewing porn once every other day will have the same effect on (lets say a woman) whom goes to the bar and instead sleeps with a different man every other day? Because that's what you are essentially saying.

 

A woman (or man) that once a day views porn while he or she masturbates is just relieving som sexual frustration and finds that relieving that frustration is fun to do with porn (as presumably like alot of people, they don't have a partner available 24/7 to satisfy each of there sexual needs whenever they should come up so they take care of it themselves).

 

 

Basically, people that sleep around are afraid of commitment often, and people that watch porn are.....masturbators. Can you see how one group of these people is unsuitable for a long term relationship and the other group is just human?

 

Addiction, to me, is marked by many things, including that the use of the thing one is addicted to is causing problems.

 

Definitely, if someone is addicted to something to the point where its harming there lives they should cut back on it or eliminate it. However that doesn't mean that those that are not addicted to porn should also not watch it.

 

The point of this thread is that someone's boyfriend use of porn is causing problems for her, and I'd say him, too, if he doesn't want to risk losing her.

 

I actually forget what the OP says maybe I'll post my thoughts later...

 

5 minutes, 'eh? I suggest focusing on the other and see that you can last for hours!!

 

Well when I masturbate it's nothing like love making. When me and my girlfriend are intimate the object is for the most part to take our time and enjoy the experience. When I masturbate however the object is to not take up too much of my time so that I can go back to writing my essay and instead of drifting off thinking about sex (busy life of a uni student).

 

It's not as if when I jerk off I'm going to light scented candles and play with myself for hours....

[cantexplain]

No, porn is not romance, nor is it what a real relationship is like, and it doesn't make any attempt to pretend to be. At the very least it's clear about this. What you don't mention is that romance novels are also not even close to what a real adult relationship is like.

 

Well, I wasn't concerned about romance novels. I was talking about romance between two real people. The word romance can have many meanings, depending on the person's understanding of it ... and their romantic desires. I was only using one of my interpretations of romance, and not at all using romance novels as an example of anything - except affirming your contention that addiction to romance novels is possible.

 

 

I also respect your choice not to view porn, but I abhor anyone's attempt to shame others for watching it in private.

I agree. That is judgemental. These people themselves could be wrong. I respect your ability to be so public about this proclivity you and your gal share.

 

 

This generalization of porn is unreasonable. It's true that some porn may objectify women as mere objects of pleasure (although there is porn that also objectifies men, usually involving some sort of "dominatrix" character), but you cannot generalize porn based on its worst examples. That's like generalizing that all hollywood movies are bad based on a few movies that glorify violence. Or like saying all hollywood movies are bad because they promote racial stereotypes. The reality is that some hollywood films might depict things that are harmful (i.e glorification of violence), but it's unreasonable to generalize ALL films based on this handful.

Please suggest a porn flick which does not objectify people as sexual objects...I'll check it out!!

 

 

You honestly suspect that viewing porn once every other day will have the same effect on (lets say a woman) whom goes to the bar and instead sleeps with a different man every other day? Because that's what you are essentially saying.

 

No, I was quite clear when I said "I suspect" - just a theory. But yes I do believe now that the mind does work that way. These images and behavior and our attraction to it can change or deepen personality characteristics. Just like repetitive advertising has the effect of promoting a previously unwanted purchase.

 

 

A woman (or man) that once a day views porn while he or she masturbates is just relieving som sexual frustration and finds that relieving that frustration is fun to do with porn (as presumably like alot of people, they don't have a partner available 24/7 to satisfy each of there sexual needs whenever they should come up so they take care of it themselves).

 

So some people use, or even need, porn to masturbate ... I know that. Others don't need porn to masturbate. Some people connect with their own physical being ... others fantasize about being with fantasy people ... some others fantasize about real people in their lives ... still others fantasize about pleasing real people in their lives. Based on my idea of neural programming, I know what programming would serve me and my partner best. I'm not judging what serves you and your partner best.

 

The original point of this thread is what serves the OP and her partner best - which seems to not be for him to watch a bunch of porn.

 

 

Basically, people that sleep around are afraid of commitment often, and people that watch porn are.....masturbators. Can you see how one group of these people is unsuitable for a long term relationship and the other group is just human?

Never lumped them together save my suspicion that the long term effects of both behavior were deleterious to the ability to be deeply intimate with another being.

 

I'd say both, all, are basically human.

 

 

Definitely, if someone is addicted to something to the point where its harming there lives they should cut back on it or eliminate it. However that doesn't mean that those that are not addicted to porn should also not watch it.

Who said they shouldn't? I said that I suspected it was harmful. I will maintain that suspicion, thanks.

 

We know it is harmful on the OP's feelings.

 

 

Well when I masturbate it's nothing like love making.

Agreed 100%.

[Superfreak]

Please suggest a porn flick which does not objectify people as sexual objects...I'll check it out!!

 

I think the problem here is that we're having a miscommunication about the word "objectifying" that I'm not clearing up. My definition of objectifying involves degradation of women in porn. Essentially the girl is treated as an inanimate object rather than a willing partner.

 

In alot of porns however, the woman is just as eager to have sex with the man (at least in the fictionalized porn world, in reality the two actors have probably been filming for so long they just want to go home from work like the rest of us). Thus, these porns are not objectifying anyone as no one is being treated like an object.

 

Apparently your definition of "objectifying" is that people are displayed in a sexual light. So every time a man tells his friend that theres a "hot" girl in his home room class he's objectifying her, in that sense objectification is a spectrum involving simply calling someone "hot" as a harmless means of objectification whereas say, treating a woman like a dog is a very harmful degree of objectification.

 

Quote=Superfreak:

You honestly suspect that viewing porn once every other day will have the same effect on (lets say a woman) whom goes to the bar and instead sleeps with a different man every other day? Because that's what you are essentially saying.

No, I was quite clear when I said "I suspect" - just a theory. But yes I do believe now that the mind does work that way. These images and behavior and our attraction to it can change or deepen personality characteristics. Just like repetitive advertising has the effect of promoting a previously unwanted purchase.

 

Well, no offence intended but that's a pretty silly theory. When you watch porn your being a spectator to a sexual act (or when you fantasize in your mind while masturbating for that matter). But when you sleep with alot of people you're an active participant. In the case of sleeping around you have to get used to not forming an emotional attachment to the people you're sleeping with and get used to using people (in real life).

 

In porn though all you're doing is looking at it for visual stimulation. There's no emotional bonds formed with the people you see on the screen that you don't know in real life, and most importantly there's no "using" people you know in real life for your own sexual gratification when the other person might want more than simply that.

 

So some people use, or even need, porn to masturbate ... I know that. Others don't need porn to masturbate. Some people connect with their own physical being ... others fantasize about being with fantasy people ... some others fantasize about real people in their lives ... still others fantasize about pleasing real people in their lives. Based on my idea of neural programming, I know what programming would serve me and my partner best. I'm not judging what serves you and your partner best.

 

The original point of this thread is what serves the OP and her partner best - which seems to not be for him to watch a bunch of porn.

 

Well, that being said. The people that watch porn are also capable of mentally fantasizing about there s/o or fantasizing mentally about the hot chick they saw on the street. I know for me that there's sometimes when I'm in the mood (due to our long distance relationship my g/f and I are rarely together during the school year), sometimes I'll fire up some porn on my laptop and other times I'll fantasize mentally about my g/f. Sometimes I'll think about my girlfriend while I'm watching porn.

 

There's a wide spectrum of thoughts that people have that vary every time one masturbates. But (most) people know these are all fantasy and even though they just got off to "Debbie does Dallas" they'll still eagerly await cuddling with there girlfriend when she comes to visit them the next weekend.

 

Edit: I forgot to talk about the OP. Honestly, the girl has serious confidence issues that go beyong merely her b/f watching porn. If she is indeed on the verge of relapsing in to an eating disorder than she needs to see a professional as opposed to a message board.

[Fruit Smoothie]

Over the past month or so, of me initially discovering my boyfriend's "habits", I'm trying to view it as a normal thing for guys to do, for the most part. So I'm trying not to let it bother me anymore - it's not worth losing the entire relationship over, right?

 

But lately I've realized that my boyfriend is using the same picture, over and over again, while he masturbates. Like I said, I found his magazine underneath his bathroom sink. But every time I'm there now, this one picture (ripped from another magazine) is there instead, and moving from place to place from time to time that I'm there. (Which is how I know he's still using it). It's been about a month, and it's still just this one picture.

 

It's not even a provacative picture, that's what kills me. It's just a magazine advertisement of three women, in bathing suits. The suits aren't overly-skimpy, and the three women are just laughing together. That's it.

 

This makes me feel as though these women must seriously be his "ideal" kind of girl. If it were Playboys or Hustlers, at least then I would see it as him just being "in the mood" and wanting to just use the image of any random naked chick to get him going, but to simply focus on this one picture of the same three girls every time? It bothers me.

 

Is it normal for a guy (in a committed relationship) to masturbate over the same picture of the same three girls every single time?

 

I don't mean to sound so insecure or mixed up about this, it's just that I honestly have no clue about how most guys are - I've never had a lot of guy friends or anything of the like. I suppose I'm just ignorant when it comes to men, lol. So any advice is very greatly appreciated, thank you.

[Northalius]

it's not worth losing the entire relationship over, right?

 

The thing is, the smallest things can become the biggest deal breakers, if you look at it in the ultimate picture painted.

 

If he's not willing to merely drop this bad habit of his for you, what else would he refuse to drop, in light of respecting and loving you?

 

That's what you must think about.

 

I hate to bring politics into this, but it's just an example:

 

When Bill Clinton lied about having sex with Monica, a lot of people said "Oh, what's the big deal, he just lied about having sex with another woman..."

 

I said "Yeah, but if he can so easily lie under oath about merely having sex with another woman, what else did/could he lie about so easily, then?!"

 

So, when people say "Oh that's just a small problem" don't always take it as just that, but view it in 'the big picture'.

 

Oh, and it doesn't matter if it's 'the norm', because 'the norm' doesn't = 'the right thing to do!'

 

So, don't go asking if watching porn for guys is normal... of course you're going to get the "yes, it is!"

 

That doesn't make it right nor good for a committed relationship, however!

 

What your boyfriend is doing, is visually cheating on you right now by fantasizing about other women. He's having sex with them in his mind.

[doyathink]

Superfreak, Watching a romantic television show is completely different then looking at naked ppl and playing with yourself....visualizing that your having sex with them.

 

I dont visualize having sex while watching a movie...or visualize having sex with someone in that movie.......nor do I yank my pants down and start playing with myself while a romance movie is on! So dont try to compare the two.

 

No one has to admit that its wrong to fantasize about having sex with someone else...but when your in a committed relationship, you shouldn't be having thoughts or fantasies about doing another person.