I'm Actually Out Of Control

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It's gotten a bit serious.

 

I've started making myself ill trying to control my own thought processes. I've been sick for a week. The pounding in my head will NOT quit. I'm congested, but there doesn't seem to actually be anything there.

 

I feel rather as though I'm falling apart on every level. Physically, I havn't been "normal/healthy/fine" for MONTHS - its ALWAYS either a migraine, a bladder infection, a bad cold, insomnia, severe aches/pains etc, visual disturbances, or bad stomach problems.

 

And I cannot attribute it to any discernible physical cause. It is almost definitely bought on by stress - stress that *I* impose on ME.

 

Yesterday, with no provocation at all, I lost my temper in a busy restaurant with my boyfriend. I think he made a passing comment on a tabloid headline.

 

I yelled at him that he wasnt a stupid man, so why did he have to ACT braindead? Why couldnt he at least pretend he cared about things worth caring about?

 

Normally, I don't care that he and I are different. But it was just a nice catalyst.

 

I ranted on for some while.

 

Then he explained/said I'd upset him etc.

 

I just looked at him, smirked and said I didn't care. I am loathe to admit it, but the only satisfaction I get nowadays is by "asserting myself", sometimes horribly. And I cant seem to break the chain.

 

He didn't, understandably, speak to me for awhile.

 

I have a sadistic streak, I do sometimes enjoy being evil, but mostly I keep it in check...but last night's episode distrubed me. I have a BIG anger problem, but..gosh, I hope to God..I mean, I thought I had a better grip on myself than that.

 

Of course it was all sorted out/forgiven by midnight and etc, but I really, REALLY have a problem.

 

I'm consumed daily by numerous obsessions and very negative feelings, too many and too shameful to list here, all topped with a huge helping of jealousy, paranoia etc.

 

Felt good to get it out, though.

 

And I've gotten some nice offers from very good universities. Need a clear head for that Philosophy Degree...I wish, it was in my grasp?

[HellFrost666]

You don't strike me as an angry person...

 

This kind of thing happens to everyone sometimes. We all need to release built up emotions.

 

You felt better afterwards, and he forgave you, so I would just let it go. You are human.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

Anti...Try letting yourself off the hook... we all have moments we aren't proud of.

 

Have you ever tried meditation or some form of meditation to calm your mind so you can hear yourself think and maybe get a clearer picture of what is going on inside your head?

 

I know that when i find i'm being unreasonable its usually because i'm having some internal battle.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Do you feel like this all the time? I don't know, I've been feeling horribly stressed and bad tempered for the last couple of weeks, and I've come up with the following:

 

It's January, and I do get SAD (Seasonal Adjusted Disorder), which I always forget. God bless my mother for reminding me, I thought I was going mad!

 

I am broke after Christmas

 

I am hormonal - just more intense than usual

 

etc

 

So I've been trying the old fashioned things - giving up caffeine and cigarettes, getting more sleep, and giving myself time away from life at the weekends to recuperate. Seriously, this is a tough time of year, everyone here (in Scotland) seems really bad-tempered. Don't beat yourself up about it!

[Daddy Bear]

A brilliant and intense person like yourself needs creative outlets. Are you engaged in satisfying hobbies that challenge your mind?

[itsallgrand]

You are getting offers from universities now? Oh, oh!

 

So does that mean you will be leaving your current school and having a big change of life soon? Having to make some big decisions?

[sandyv]

AntiLoveSuperstar,

 

I felt much the same way lately if thats any consolation at all, little things make me soo mad I wanna smash things.... I don't know if its because I'm stressed out or what. I also have a really, stiff neck, which is awful........ almost unbearable, it isn't nice, but I do know its all related to how I'm feeling...

 

You'll be ok, just keep in mind its a thing time will take care of.... personally myself, I have chosen to hibernate lately rather than take out my rage on friends and others.....

 

Sandy

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Nah, I've got deferred entry. I'm not off to uni for 1.5 years, but i'll know where I'm going by September.

 

I just read novels on speed read all the days im not in college - 3-5 a day is not a problem, and i STILL seem to be bored for hours on end.

 

I'vebeen angry for years, but lately its been making me ill

 

I don't do creative;im crap and it makes me feel even worse about myself. Or, and maybe this is the most undesirable part, the collages/paintings/writings are good-ish, but are so dark/depressing/horrific that it makes me sad to view them afterwards

[Juliana]

I used to write poetry that was so angry, it made me sick to my stomach to read it afterward. Seriously. And then of course it wasn't "good enough."

 

But I know the drill: I don't brush my teeth because I brush my teeth perfectly, or I'm the "best" at it. I brush my teeth because I want to stay healthy. So I write my crap poetry for the same reason; it gets out stuff I don't even know is there.

 

I exercise for the same reason, clean my house, take vitamins, eat right, work, call my friends, for the same reason: All to keep my mind working. Because that's the way it is.

 

Yes, you want to get that philosophy degree, and you should, because you're brilliant, and the world is overrun with stupid people -- we have far too many already -- so we need you. So go do your dark collages.

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

It sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I sincerely cry because millions of years this planet has been in existence - and yet we have millions of people who think, for example, that Celebrity Big Brother is entertainment.

 

It makes me sick. Literally.

[Chele]

It is not ridiculous, peoples minds have become numb/dumb

through the dumbing down affect of the media, it is literally mind dumbing stuff.

If you went on and did your studys though this would be an awesome opportunity to meet like-minded and stimulating academic people. In the meantime I hope you find lots of subjects to research and explore

to fill your mind with inspirations.

[Juliana]

"and yet we have millions of people who think, for example, that Celebrity Big Brother is entertainment."

 

It's not ridiculous. I totally understand. Dwarf tossing. What's that all about?

 

At least we don't have public hangings anymore. Things are looking up!

 

Your intelligence is real, it is not impeded by your illness (although you personally are), and in pursuing the fulfillment of your intelligence, you will be improving the world for everyone. Genuinely intelligent people living their lives honestly are inspirational for everyone. Off you go.