Nice Guy Syndrome

[annie24]

Men are more complex than the cartoon extremes of jerks or doormats, and "nice guys" don't hold a patent on kindness, nor do assertive guys monopolize indifference.

 

very true!

[longhaircats]

Suppose there is a very attractive single guy and 10 girls are after him. He dates all of them for a while and he eventually picks one girl as his girlfriend. He is nice and sweet for this particular girl he picked, but he is a jerk for the rest of the girls. See my point?

 

I don't think good girls go for bad boys. Bad boys have potential to be jerks because many women are attracted to them. We all want a nice & attractive man.

[Batya33]

You are assuming that there is some standard of what is attractive. Unless all of my friends are lying, the range of what is found attractive is extremely broad. One approach I have taken though is to date shorter men (I am short) - because on the whole, more women go for taller men than shorter men. Surprisingly, over time I began to be more attracted to/prefer shorter men to taller men.

[Batya33]

and you're going after women in their late teens and wondering why they don't want to commit? because 19 is not about committment!

 

Being a good boyfriend doesn't mean pursuing a drug addicted/alcoholic teenage mom who neglects her kids and being "nice" to her. That's trying to play therapist, not be a boyfriend. It's an approach that's doomed to fail even if she were older. I have to wonder if you did that to "prove" to yourself somehow that "it's not me it's them" as far as why you have trouble finding a healthy relationship.

[Night Pumpkin]

Pocky, what do you mean by that ? I wonder what the word was that DN removed.

 

Anyway, back to the original poster. I hope you read my long essay. All i have to say is that finding a girlfriend is not easy for anyone, so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, why don't you get excited about life and about all the opportunities around you. Life is so exciting, and is to be cherished in its every moment. Don't think for a moment that finding a girlfriend will make you any happier than you already are.

 

Ways To Live A Passionate Life:

 

1. Volunteer

2. Travel the world like i have. I've been to London, Singapore, Sydney, Auckland, to name a few places

3. Try new things. Recently I walked down the street with a python in my arms (when I was visiting Singapore)

4. Become poltically active. Find a social cause to support. Join a protest. Vote.

 

I found that girls came flocking to me after I became a passionate socialist leader. You need to try something different to get attention. Me and my friends, at our university, we were ticked off by the amount of anti-Americanism on campus (I live in Canada) so we started our own pro America club called "Students for America." . You have to be passionate and stand up for what you believe in. I tell you, become a leader of a social movement, and girls will certainly be interested in you......

 

5. Make new friends.

6. Eat new foods

 

 

I have the same problem only that i'm a girl. So new years resolution is to be a Apparently men likes that........lol

[longhaircats]

You are assuming that there is some standard of what is attractive. Unless all of my friends are lying, the range of what is found attractive is extremely broad. One approach I have taken though is to date shorter men (I am short) - because on the whole, more women go for taller men than shorter men. Surprisingly, over time I began to be more attracted to/prefer shorter men to taller men.

 

I didn't mean physical attaction only. Like other people here pointed out, confidence and assertiveness are big turn on for many women. I like when a guy talks about something he is really into, and his eyes grow from excitment. That's very attactive as a person. BTW, there are prenty of jerks who are short too!

[Batya33]

Yes, there are short men who are jerks of course but in general women are more attracted to taller men - that is a generalization but that is generally what I've seen.

[galaxy71]

Many women date jerks because jerks have all the qualities of an attractive man. They want to date a MAN. They do not want to date someone is who is passive and dull.

 

Girls want a guy who is not afraid to initiate things and make the first move.

[Batya33]

Men who act jerky are not real men because their behavior is motivated by hostility and/or insecurities, not from confidence.

[Luke Skywalker]

They say that good girls go for bad boys. That has some truth behind it. im guilty of it myself. I was young and i was exploring life. Nice guys are for girls ready to commit and/of settle down. They go for the tougher guys because theres somewhat no commitment behind that and after youre tired of them you have reason why to dump them. I did that, i was friends with my now b/f and dating nothing but bad boys. Then after a while it got old and i was tired of being hurt and he proved himself to be true and here we are 5 years later IN love. He's my PRINCE CHARMING. I love him with all my heart. I use to call him the saint because he was just absolutely perfect i didnt think men like this still existed.

 

So your bf is fine that you messed around with all these 'bad boys' while you friendzoned him and once you've had your fun he accepted a relationship with you and was fine with being your zillionth choice? Guess you really got a succer.

[Batya33]

From what I understand they did not meet in person until this past June - they were just in touch on line.

[charley]

There's a couple of different issues here.

 

One is that giving a woman excessive attention can irritate or alienate some women. Other women would love it. It depends on the woman. I'm personally a hand holding, hugging, back rubbing sweet talker. Some women love that. Others hate it and think I'm clingy and annoying.

 

All depends on the woman.

 

The other issue is the idea that some women really do prefer bad guys over nice guys. In my experience, that is sometimes the case. It's not the bad they like, it's the macho. Sometimes good guys are macho too. I know a few. However, it's usually the bad guys who act macho (whether they really are or not). My brother-in-law is an exception. He's a good guy and very macho. One time a drug dealer made inappropriate passes at my sister. My brother-in-law literally had the guy by his shirt collar and was shaking him like a rag doll in the parking lot. Macho good guys do exist, though they are rare.

 

Now I'm thinking of two of my plantonic women friends. They both love me to death as their friend because I'm nice to them and sweet to them, but they have zero interest in dating me. They only feel sexual attraction to macho guys, which usually means bad guys. One of them REALLY bad guys. Her X husband is a drug dealer. Her current fiancee is also a drug dealer. My dad and sister think that if I had any sense at all, I'd avoid these two women and not be friends with them because their X's and current BF's are homicidally dangerous. Yet I continue to be friends with them because they need me, and because I really don't feel much fear over it. One of these women's X threatened to kill her current BF and her guy friends. He was arrested for it and convicted of menacing and stalking. When the police questioned him for hours on end, it came out that he did want to kill certain guys, but not me. He likes me because he views me as harmless and not competition for him. He's right in that I'm not competition for him because she only likes a nice guy for a friend, not a BF. The other reason I'm not much afraid is that I know I have ways to defend myself and if worst case happened, the police would take my word (I'm squeaky clean) over a drug dealers. So if I ever had to damage one of those bad drug dealer guys in self defense, the cops aren't stupid. They know he's a bad drug dealer with a long record and I'm a squeaky clean, honest, businessman with a totally clean record. So I've got an advantage. I'm not going to let bad guys like that intimidate me, though I do take them very seriously.

 

On the other hand, there are many women who do prefer a nice man who treats her right. With those women I have an advantage, not only to be her friend, but also to date her. Women in general don't prefer bad guys, only some women do. Many women prefer nice guys.

 

Based on the OP's description of himself, he needs a woman who prefer nice guys and enjoys receiving a lot of attention. There are women like that. Go find one.

[charley]

By the way, in the OP, the poster said some guy threatened to kill him. That is a crime. Threatening to kill someone is a crime. I'm pretty sure it's a felony.

 

In my example above, the X-BF threatened to kill her current BF and her male friends. She reported him to police for that. Nine heavily armed cops went and arrested him that same night. He was then questioned for hours, maybe all night.

 

He was convicted of felony stalking of her, and menacing the other guys. If he even goes near her again, or so much as gives me a dirty look, he'd be in serious trouble since he's on 5 year probation. They kept him in the clink for a few months first, then let him out on probation.

 

I think just threatening to assault someone is a crime nowadays, at least in my state. I remember reading in the paper where one guy had verbally threatened another guy on the telephone that he was going to beat him with a baseball bat. The recipient of the thread reported it to the police. The guy who made the threat was arrested and the judge sentenced him to 1 week in jail plus X number of weeks or months probation.

 

If someone threatens to assault you, and especially if they threaten to kill you, do report it to the police. There are many advantages of doing so. One is that the police and court might put a stop to it before it goes farther. Second is that if it does go farther and you get hurt, they have more evidence against the attacker. Third, is that if it goes farther and you hurt or kill the attacker in self defense, then there is already a prior evidence record in your favor that shows the guy was after you.

[charley]

Interestingly, one of those two women friends I mentioned suddenly got the hots for me and started hitting on me after the first time she saw me a bit drunk.

 

Normally, I'm the same friendly, huggable, comical guy drunk as sober. The difference being that I'm just a bit more friendly and more comical. But I have the same nice, harmless vibe as always.

 

However, I was in a bad mood for some reason I don't remember that night and I was a bit drunk. She called me up to whine about her bad boy BF and get support from me. Normally, I'm very supporting, but for some reason I was in a mood and tipsy. So I told her I didn't want to hear anything more about her man problems. I was rude about it.

 

The next time I saw her, she was hitting on me. I'm like, what? She even tried to get me to squeeze her butt and feel her legs. She said she'd been working out and wanted to show me how much firmer she was. She was also wearing makeup. She'd never before bothered with makeup to go out with me as a friend. This was a first. She also kept trying to get me drunk. This went on all week.

 

She had liked it when I was slightly surley with her before. Interesting. However, I have no intention of acting like that normally. I also don't want to drink more than once a week at most. After a week she realized that my one time bad boy attitude and behavior was not likely to return. Good. I prefer to be a nice guy. So she gave up hitting on me and we went back to just being friends.

[musicguy]

everyone tells me and my friends to not look so hard and to be patient, but it's hard when no one finds you remotely attractive. I've never been hit on or asked out and that makes me feel like crap

[Batya33]

I think it's about being proactive, getting involved in activities you like to do, and having a postiive mind set.

[musicguy]

okay, well, I'm in a band (guitar player) and hopefully this spring or summer we do some shows, plus I manage a band as well and they do lots of shows

[Batya33]

That's a start, yes.

[musicguy]

girls dig guitar players

[charley]

okay, well, I'm in a band (guitar player) and hopefully this spring or summer we do some shows, plus I manage a band as well and they do lots of shows

 

I thought you band guys got the most babes. Yes? No? It sure can't hurt.

[musicguy]

I thought you band guys got the most babes. Yes? No? It sure can't hurt.

 

I wish this guy got babes

[Luke Skywalker]

So yeah, nice guys are friendzoned, while the real men get the girls while the nice guy just feels like a eunuch in the process.

[Batya33]

It depends how you define "nice." If nice=doormat then a doormat person likely won't do well in most social situations because to have solid friendships there has to be a give and take, something that doormats aren't good at. A guy who is reasonably assertive, confident and kind is also "nice" and, if he wants a romantic relationship, has the ability to do the give and take required in a romantic relationship.

[Kevin T]

The problem is that most "nice" guys aren't assertive with women. They usually (more oft than not) try to buy women off with gifts, shower them with compliments, never speak up for themselves and generally feel insecure about themselves. They tend to be shy, passive and unsure of themselves... especially when it comes to the fairer sex.

 

Those are all, obviously, deal-breakers for any sensible, self-respecting woman. Women don't want a puppy to follow them around and jump when she says so. They want fun, challenge, excitement, mystery and chemistry. The nice guy tries way too hard with nice gestures and ideas to compensate for the lacking aforementioned desirable characteristics, with women. Thus, women find him unattractive, but a great "friend." They like him and think he's a "great guy", but "I just don't think of him that way."

[charley]

So yeah, nice guys are friendzoned, while the real men get the girls while the nice guy just feels like a eunuch in the process.

 

That only happens sometimes. It's not always the case. Some women like nice men who treat them well.