friscodj Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Ah yes, the proverbial question, "Do nice guys finish last?" I will provide my best answer... I see three main points here. There are the notions and definitions of "nice", "finishing", and "last". As far as being a "nice" guy, do you equate this to selflessness? Are you being nice to everyone else and not being nice to yourself? This seems to be the common denominator among people who ask these types of questions, as I have done before, in that we/they forget or choose not to be nice to themselves by letting people take advantage of, use them, proverbially "walk all over them", etc. There is a fine line between being a truly nice guy and a pathetic sap, one that is crossed by regular selflessness and fear for deviating from such. As far as "finishing", what are you finishing? The relationship? The possibility for future relationships, i.e., the dating aspect of your life? You are not finished. You will have more relationships I guarantee it. Closely related to this is the notion of "last". Do you equate the end of the relationship with losing? Other people in relationships win and you lose? I can tell you my friend that there have been a few relationships, more than a few perhaps, that in hindsight, I count every single one of my lucky stars I am free and clear from. 11 times out of 10 I would choose to be single than be in a bad relationship. I didn't see it at the time, but my life would have been hell had I stayed with her. I have no idea what I was thinking by staying with her. And since there is no such thing as a truly (a lot of people fake this) fruitful, healthy, and balanced relationship when only one person's heart is in it, ending such a relationship is not a loss. Plus, in this process, you are learning a lot about life, love, yourself, and other people, things no words can convey to you and will lead you to develop your own perspective and "methods", which someone else will share and appreciate. So you may take a beating once in a while and feel like the world is about to end, but you'll heal, be stronger and wiser the next time around (a time that will come). The world is not ending, and you are not "finishing last". You'll develop your own answers and necessary adjustments in your approach to and the understanding of relationships on your own, through your own experiences, and maintain your genuine character in the process. Link to comment
Night Pumpkin Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 To the original poster... Be careful what you wish for... Don't expect relationships to be any better than being single. In a relationship, you lose a lot of your freedom, a lot of your time, a lot of your money. There are communication issues you have to work on. Relationships can be very stressful. So while you are single, just celebrate being single. Who cares if you are a virgin until you are 30 or so. Even if you were, assuming that the average man lives to be 75, you would spend far more time in a relationship in your life than not in one. Also, be glad that you didn't make foolish mistakes a lot of young people make in relationships. Many have thier hearts broken. Some have sex before they are ready, and end up with diseases. Some end up having abortions, which is always sad. Be thankful you have been kept from that, because a lot of people would prefer to trade places with you... Link to comment
Kevin T Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 lol. I just hate it when girls tell me how they wish that their significant others were like me. I always get told I'm a wonderful, caring guy who treats girls good, but get nothing..it's just really frustrating Then change your behaviour, or stop complaining. One or the other. Either or. You can't always have your cake and eat it too. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 lol. I just hate it when girls tell me how they wish that their significant others were like me. I always get told I'm a wonderful, caring guy who treats girls good, but get nothing..it's just really frustrating Yes, and how many of those women have set you up with their friends, neighbors, acquaintances, co-workers, etc? Why not go back to school and meet people that way? What activities do you do that involve single women? And, yes they may say they wish their SO's were like you but obviously they chose those men for a reason which likely has a lot to do with their lack of self esteem. Link to comment
Caterina Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Honestly, being nice is an extremely attractive thing to be. If you're not attracting women, its for another reason NOT because you're nice. One thing I've learned is that guys who claim that they're nice aren't actually that nice. Usually they have low self esteem and are trying to pressure women to date them by whining about that. Truly nice guys are too humble to try to manipulate women into dating them by complaining that they are nice. I've been very annoyed by men with low self esteem trying to convince women that just because they're wimps, they're nice. Being a wimp and being nice are not the same thing. There are a lot of strong men who are nice that PLENTY of women are dying to have. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I agree as long as nice is not defined as yes man or doormat or in any passive sense. Link to comment
musicguy Posted January 30, 2007 Author Share Posted January 30, 2007 I try not to be a yes man Link to comment
Kevin T Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 Honestly, being nice is an extremely attractive thing to be. If you're not attracting women, its for another reason NOT because you're nice. One thing I've learned is that guys who claim that they're nice aren't actually that nice. Usually they have low self esteem and are trying to pressure women to date them by whining about that. Truly nice guys are too humble to try to manipulate women into dating them by complaining that they are nice. I've been very annoyed by men with low self esteem trying to convince women that just because they're wimps, they're nice. Being a wimp and being nice are not the same thing. There are a lot of strong men who are nice that PLENTY of women are dying to have. Oh my God Caterina! You are truly a genius! Wonderfully put, and masterfully delivered. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 30, 2007 Share Posted January 30, 2007 I try not to be a yes man Don't try . .. do it. Link to comment
Caterina Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 Oh my God Caterina! You are truly a genius! Wonderfully put, and masterfully delivered. Hey thanks! Link to comment
Kevin T Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 I have to give credit where it is due. Link to comment
musicguy Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Yes, and how many of those women have set you up with their friends, neighbors, acquaintances, co-workers, etc? Why not go back to school and meet people that way? What activities do you do that involve single women? And, yes they may say they wish their SO's were like you but obviously they chose those men for a reason which likely has a lot to do with their lack of self esteem. No one has ever hooked me up with anyone Link to comment
musicguy Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 oh yeah and for EVERYONE to know. I have the lowest self esteem EVER because few females have ever thought that I am physically attractive. So if little to no females find me physically attractive, then why HAVE confidence huh? Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 It sounds to me like you mostly want to vent and that you are not motivated to take positive actions or do the internal work if needed. Obviously self esteem comes from within. Link to comment
musicguy Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 *sigh* I shouldn't have even posted this Link to comment
Dako Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 oh yeah and for EVERYONE to know. I have the lowest self esteem EVER because few females have ever thought that I am physically attractive. So if little to no females find me physically attractive, then why HAVE confidence huh? You can have confidence in your abilities, talents, and efforts in life. Believe it or not, you don't need to base your value on what a few women think. Being a chickmagnet isn't the only game in town. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 *sigh* I shouldn't have even posted this Nothing wrong with posting just to vent. Not at all. I just observed that it seems like you feel more comfortable venting than changing or taking action right now. You can change that if you want to or you are entitled of course to stay in your familiar comfort zone. Link to comment
musicguy Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 I'm trying my best...read my recent post Link to comment
Batya33 Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 No one has ever hooked me up with anyone Ask those friends who praise you for being such a great guy, they'd go out with you - if they have any women who have the same serious intentions you do to introduce you to. Link to comment
musicguy Posted January 31, 2007 Author Share Posted January 31, 2007 Ask those friends who praise you for being such a great guy, they'd go out with you - if they have any women who have the same serious intentions you do to introduce you to. I've tried this too and a lot of them aren't interested in me or have the same goals as I do. Being that I live in a collegetown, a lot of girls like to party and drink and, well, that's not me. I mean I like to have a drink once and awhile, but my life is not about partying every weekend or getting drunk. Link to comment
canonman Posted January 31, 2007 Share Posted January 31, 2007 And, yes, I think men who are assertive and confident are more spark-inducing and intriguing - and keeping me on my toes keeps things fresh and interesting. Good points. I think it's not the abusive side of jerks that girls like, but jerks do tend to also have the confidence factor going for them. So, it's sort of a love-hate thing, they stay with these guys and then complain about them to their girlfriends. I think we need to stop using the term "nice" and start using the term "respectful". When describing a blind date, "nice" makes everyone run away. You've never heard a girl say she had to break up with him "because he was too respectful". Link to comment
krissbrown Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 I have to disagree with women hitting 40. when a woman is in her late 20s to early 30s, she realizes a nice guy is who to be with. It has to take a woman being burned by a bad guy to realize it. I actually feel bad for my friends who married bad guys in their 20s/ their stuck Link to comment
musicguy Posted February 1, 2007 Author Share Posted February 1, 2007 I have to disagree with women hitting 40. when a woman is in her late 20s to early 30s, she realizes a nice guy is who to be with. It has to take a woman being burned by a bad guy to realize it. I actually feel bad for my friends who married bad guys in their 20s/ their stuck I totally agree Link to comment
Batya33 Posted February 1, 2007 Share Posted February 1, 2007 I have to disagree with women hitting 40. when a woman is in her late 20s to early 30s, she realizes a nice guy is who to be with. It has to take a woman being burned by a bad guy to realize it. I actually feel bad for my friends who married bad guys in their 20s/ their stuck Not in my experience in the least - and I know and know of at least a hundred women in those age groups. Some friends in their 20s married guys who were nice but they were not in love with and either they're miserable or divorced, one friend married a "bad guy" when she was in her mid 30s, and is not happy but still married. Sure it can happen that a woman gets "burned" and then realizes she wants a "nice guy" or it can happen that she continues to like the thrill of the chase, or marries the nice guy on the rebound, tells everyone that is what she realized she wanted but in reality was simply afraid of being alone and on the rebound. There's nothing magical about turning 40 other than certain women settle so that they can have kids "before it's too late." I feel sorry for those kids! Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now