Torn Between helping Family or Friend????

[flower99]

Okay So I need advice, any advice will help...Thank you in advance.

[Spugly Fuglet]

You call up a mate and say I need to help my Bro, and I need cover for our pregnant friend,

 

You need more hands here, family 1st as this infact is about your Mum and dad, your brows doing work for them and your helping him so helping your um and dad.

 

As your pregnant friend as family you will have to call them and say "look if she gos into laber your going to have to cover for me"

 

then when the week ends over you can get back to helping your pregnant friend.

 

do that help

[BellaDonna]

I usually say family comes first.... but if you already told your friend "yes" then it is kind of wrong to go back and change things now, IMO....First come, first serve....

 

Being pregnant myself I think I'd go into a huge panic if the person who said they's help me on the day of my labor backed out last minute....

 

You have to do what you feel is right though...

 

BellaDonna

[Hope75]

I agree with Bella that you already told your friend that you would help her and it isn't really something she can 'reschedule' to better suit your needs.

 

I think you need to be honest with your brother and tell him that you already committed to something else. How far away is he? Could you help him and then if your friend calls you can go and pick up her son?

 

Where is her son's father?

[jengh]

I agree with Bella. You already made a prior commitment to your pregnant friend. In my opininon, she needs you more than your brother. Renovation isn't exactly an emergency like a pregnancy is. The fact that your friend trusts you enough to look after her child should mean a lot. She obviously doesn't have anyone else in her life that she trusts enough.... Just my opinion, though I have never been in a situation like that...

[flower99]

My only thing is this pregnant friend & first come first serve...She's always the first to ask for help cause she is ALWAYING needing my help. If it's not this, it's something else. Although this is the biggest thing, this year.

My fiancee told me today he thinks she won't ever fix things with her parents, cause she doesn't need to. She can always turn to me. And I really see that. And truth be told..I' m tired. I'm tired of doing the work of her family, just cause she isn't satisfied with her own family. (if they were abusive or something it would be a different story..but that's not the case) And now I'm putting off my family to be her family.

Her mom asked her last week if she could be there & help & watch her grandson....but my friend told her no. Honestly it upsets me a little that she turned away her mom & leaving me to do this. I agreed figuring I would be last resort, not thinking she would tell her mom no. Like I work 2 jobs & have a 4 year old of my own...I thought she would try at least to patch things up with her mom.

.

[flower99]

II think you need to be honest with your brother and tell him that you already committed to something else. How far away is he?

 

Could you help him and then if your friend calls you can go and pick up her son?

 

Where is her son's father?

 

 

My brother lives 6 hours away.. so can't really do both..I wish I could.

 

Her son's father? Well she doesn't allow him to see her son. (I don't agree with her reasoning, same with her parents) Although he would very much like to & even works in the hospital she will be delievering in.

[flower99]

Thank you all so much already..you're giving me more to think about.

[flower99]

So you guys think I should tell my brother no I can't help you because I need to be there for my friend??? that does seems like the right thing to do...

Even though I feel like she doesn't NEED me though? I feel like she just prefers to have me there rather than to fix things with her mom. But I agreed to this, under the impression she would try to patch things with her mom. NOT turn her away when she offered to be there for her.

If I'm not there, do you think that would force her to work things out with her mom? because she really needs too, she's on the verge of cutting her parents out of her sons life.

[ImThatGirl]

I think the best thing to do would be to help your friend as agreed. And after the baby is born, work on helping her to become independent or being less available to help her.

[sophie274]

Agree with most. After the baby is born you can back off and not help her - but you have promised to be there for her, and that day is going to be pretty stressful for her.

[flower99]

After the baby's born I can back off...awwww...damn..why do I always have to do the right thing? he he he (: just jokes...

 

-October 2005 I told myself after her wedding i can back off

- 3 months later she got divorced/separated (she only knew her husband 5 months).

-I said after she has recoverd I can back off

-2 months later she got pregnant (unsure of father) so can't back off now.

-of course I'll be there during the pregnancy....

-now it's 9 months later time for baby to come...And here I am, saying after the babies born I can back off....but truth is, after the baby's born She'll need MORE HELP.

I'm beginning to see it's an endless cycle.......how much longer do I take care of her? I don't even think of her as a friend, more like a 'project' like someone I met & felt like she needed help, it's been 2 years and hasn't stopped needing help. Now I'm blowing off my own family cause she doesn't feel like talking to her family.

 

I thought she would try to patch it with her mom, i'm kind starting to resent that she didn't. Now I can't be there for my family.

Sorry I'm just needing to vent...I'm really upset with myself....I hate that I put myself in this sitation over & over again. I've got to learn to say No

thanx for letting me vent. But I guess I've got to do the right thing & stick to my word, next time I just won't give my word.

Thank you everyone for reading & helping...I really do appreciate it.

[southerngirl]

Since you have already commited to it... cant stop now. So the right thing to do would be to follow through with what you have promised.

 

But from here on out start saying no sometimes. Its okay to say no. You do not have to continuet o be there for her if you really dont feel you should. Think of it like this. What does she do for you? Does she enrich your life?? How about you asking her for something..... give her a chance to pay you back for all you have done for her. See how willing she is, its possible that you seem to not need anything and she wouldnt know how to 'help' you...so you feel like you are giving more than she is to the relationship?

 

If shes unwilling to be as good a friend as you are to her its like you have become an ATM machine... give give give.. it should be equal. Sure, you love an atm machine for what it give syou but are you really friends with it? Nah.. you go there and get what you want and walk away. Is this how its become with her?

 

I sense there is something else going on and that you are feeling resentful for how needy she has become lately. Was she always this way?

[ImThatGirl]

I do feel bad for you and vent, vent, vent away by all means!!!

 

You know, some people just really grab on and don't let go once they have a little help.

 

Maybe she is having a bit of a hard time. But I'm guessing she's just grabbing onto you rather than making herself handle it. But please realize that you are enabling her to be irresponsible or to not step up to the plate by always helping her.

 

Learn to say no. It doesn't hurt people as badly as you think. (Altho with her it might - based on what you said about how she won't make up with her family)

 

Good luck!

[flower99]

I sense there is something else going on and that you are feeling resentful for how needy she has become lately. Was she always this way?

Well I've only been friends with her for 2.5 years...and it's been none stop drama & problems..The resentment is I think...Is cause I watch her do this to herself. And can see what's going to happen from a mile away...and I tell her, she dismisses it & than Shocker it happens.

 

ex. She dated a man 5 months than married him??? taught your child to call him daddy, after only 3 months..than 3 month after the marriage he wants a divorce...I saw divorce coming miles away...I was a little shocked it was so fast though.

 

ex. She was having unprotected sex with strangers fo the internet...now she's pregnant

 

ex. She moved out of a nice stable apartment to save 75$ a month. And moved her & her son in with a 40year old man that she knew only 2 weeks. I warned her. Within 3 weeks the man stole from her & put her on the street.

 

The list could go on for days...I warn her everytime...she dismisses..

 

Like none of these things that happen in her life are surprises, Everyone of them were predictable.And that is why I feel so much resentment. She does it knowing what could happen & guess what it happens! And I feel bad for her & help clean up the mess evertime. I am getting tired.

 

We weren't even friends when I first started helping her. That is basically the foundation of the friendship...me helping her out of her messes. and I'm sure she would help me if she could if I had a problem....but the thing is I would never turn to her for help...

[flower99]

But please realize that you are enabling her to be irresponsible or to not step up to the plate by always helping her.

 

Learn to say no. It doesn't hurt people as badly as you think. (Altho with her it might - based on what you said about how she won't make up with her family)

 

Good luck!

 

You're totally right, I am enabling her!!! Thank you for pointing that out.

I've got to say no.

And thanks for letting & listening to me vent (:

[southerngirl]

Oh my she sounds like a train wreck. Worse than that guy stealing from her and putting her onto the street he could have raped her son. It could get alot worse.

 

There is this girl/women I met that was the exact same way with me. Constantly putting stress and strain on me mentally because she would turn to me to solve her problems. I think she was always that way I just happened to be in her path and her latest person to lean on. Almost feel sorry for her, but I tell you this... when I started saying no she stopped calling me for help, and now she doesnt speak to me at all. It hurts because I did care for her but what can I do? I was nice to her I just shut down the atm machine.

 

Maybe your heart is telling you that its time to shut it down.... to stop doing it all for her.

[flower99]

Oh my she sounds like a train wreck. Worse than that guy stealing from her and putting her onto the street he could have raped her son. It could get alot worse

 

That is exactly what i said to her before her moving in with him. You don't know this man from a hole in the ground & your moving your son to sleep only a door down from him...he can easily do whatever he pleases, what if he's a petifle, abusive, a rapist,a thief...well good thing he was the lesser of the evils.

 

There is this girl/women I met that was the exact same way with me. Constantly putting stress and strain on me mentally because she would turn to me to solve her problems. I think she was always that way I just happened to be in her path and her latest person to lean on. Almost feel sorry for her, but I tell you this... when I started saying no she stopped calling me for help, and now she doesnt speak to me at all. It hurts because I did care for her but what can I do? I was nice to her I just shut down the atm machine.

Thank you for sharing this...I'm sorry it happened that way..how long till you shut down the atm???

That's exactly how i feel too, it's nice to be understood....I feel mean for feeling the way I do..because I really do care for her & her son & want to help..but I don't feel like i'm helping any more..just supporting & enabling her.

 

Maybe your heart is telling you that its time to shut it down.... to stop doing it all for her.

I think it is. So when do I shut it down?? how do I go about doing so?? What kind of excusses did you give or did you just say no?

[southerngirl]

It lasted over two years. She would call me needing help with getting somewhere cause her car was broke down... She would need money for food because her no-good husband had spent their money.

 

One time, I bought her about 80 dollars worth of food, my thinking was that I felt sorry for her kid it wasnt about her..... me and husband bought it and then I told her, dont worry about it, I am doing this for your son.

 

She turned around a few weeks later asking me for more and I told her we just didnt have any money. In her case she is always crying broke. She works. So does her husband but he smokes pot and drinks... consuming alot of their money. Her? She spends it unwisely... I really dont know whats off with their budget because she is always crying poor. My husband and I just can not support her family....... So we just started saying no.

 

No, Im sorry I have plans that day... No Im sorry we dont ahve any money.

 

She would call me and I would start to tell her all my problems. She didnt want to hear it. I figured she didnt but she'd get off the phone. She only proved that she didnt really care.

 

Fake people suck.

[ImThatGirl]

You don't have to give excuses.

 

But you can.

 

No I'm not available. No I haven't the money. No I have obligations that day. No I'm not comfortable with doing so much for you; I have my own life to live and family to take care of.

 

If you give fake excuses, she will not get the point and may continue for a very long time which will make it harder for you to not give in and then it will start all over again.

[ImThatGirl]

I just had a moment to think. I hate it when I over obligate myself or give in to a request that I'm not really comfy with.

 

Example: My sister asked if she and her boys could stay at our place recently (she lives with my brother/they were fighting.) I told her that she couldn't stay with us inevitably (too many people in one house) but she could stay at my place for the weekend. I also told her I'd be out of town on Sat night and they could rest up away from my brother.

 

I was so mad at myself for telling her that. Mad! I knew my house would be a mess and lots of toys would be broken.

 

Sure enough - my sons gingerbread house broken and ate, my kitchen floor filthy sticky dirty, my sons baseball trophy broken beyond at home repair, and my son's new Pirates of Car playset broken pieces everywhere.

 

I'm gonna try to start sticking to my guns.... Rather than trying to be overly helpful if I'm not comfy with something.

 

 

 

With your friend - You could have said "I am flattered (lack of better words) that you are asking me to help you with this. But I really think you need to make up with your mother and until you at least attempt that, I'm unwilling to assist any longer."

[flower99]

Thank you both so much, you've been a wonderful help....

So sorry I'mthatgirl that your home got destroyed....geeze, it's hard to say no sometimes, even when we can see the damage that will come if we don't. I wish you a world of luck sticking to your guns...I'll going to practice to. (;

 

Southerngirl. Sorry your friend turned out to be a fake...Wow that was an incredibly generous gift you gave her son....I can't believe she asked for more food after that. it was definietly a time to draw the line. your wise (: