Is it ever good again?

[lostinwilderness]

My wife recently caught my looking at porn.

I never thought it was cheating, and I never wanted another woman at all.

 

Still I cannot deny that I knew my wife would be very hurt if she ever caught me, and I still did it. I know that I have hurt the one I love more than anyone has ever hurt her before. To her it was cheating, and after reading a lot, including posts from many hurt people here, I think I at least understand her view.

 

We are both hurting a lot right now, and things look really grim. She has let me back into the house so I know that she at least hopes of working things out. However, she still has not committed to restoring our marriage. I know that it is too early to expect any miracles, but does it ever really get better again. Can she ever really trust me again? and will there ever be a time where we can truly be intimate again?

 

I see so many posts from hurt people and so much advice to "leave, now" that I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel. In fact I stay up at night wondering if it is really just a cave that keeps going down, down, down.

[Hope75]

Hi There,

 

Wow. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Personally, I don't think that viewing porn constitutes cheating. My bf and I both view porn (separately and together) and to us it's not a big deal, just a bunch of pictures or a video.

 

But obviously this is a standard that your wife set (and it sounds as though you agreed to it- if you knew that it would hurt her this much)... but I can't help but think she may have overreacted.

 

Have you mentioned counseling to her?

 

Have you ever watched porn together?

 

Had you agreed never to view porn, out of respect for her views about it?

[flower99]

I'm sorry for what you're going through. It is a wonderful sign that she let you move back in & that you see how you hurt her.

I personally believe it can get better & she can trust you again. If both of you are in this 100%.

 

BUT you haven't mentioned if you plan on giving up porn for her? Can you honestly tell her that? or have you?

[Dako]

Is she planning to punish you forever and be hurt, or are you both going to understand each other more and move on with your marriage?

Have you two ever had a serious problem before, and did you work it out?

Is she open about sexual matters or is this a touchy area for her?

 

It's just porn, and you still want each other. Seems like it could be resolved. You give up porn, she stops the outrage, something like that.

[Katerimo]

Trust me in time it will blow over! No human being fantasizes about only one person all their life including your wife! Do you know if she has ever watched porn? My partner was unhappy about me watching porn but when I shared the activity with him he quite enjoyed it

[lostinwilderness]

Hi There,

 

Wow. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Personally, I don't think that viewing porn constitutes cheating. My bf and I both view porn (separately and together) and to us it's not a big deal, just a bunch of pictures or a video.

 

But obviously this is a standard that your wife set (and it sounds as though you agreed to it- if you knew that it would hurt her this much)... but I can't help but think she may have overreacted.

 

Have you mentioned counseling to her?

 

Have you ever watched porn together?

 

Had you agreed never to view porn, out of respect for her views about it?

 

I knew that my wife had major moral objections to pornography. I did not realize exactly how vehement her objections were. I had no idea that she would consider it cheating.

 

My marriage and my relationship with my wife and best friend is much more important to me than pornography. I think that it is probably a sign of some serious issues in myself that I would risk hurting her over it in the first place (but that is another issue I am going to work on with my therapist).

 

I have stopped and will stop for life, it is simply not worth it.

 

Overreaction or not she is hurting and feeling betrayed as if I had been with another woman.

 

I just hope that it is possible to work through that pain and lack of trust to rebuild a very special relationship.

[lostinwilderness]

Is she planning to punish you forever and be hurt, or are you both going to understand each other more and move on with your marriage?

Have you two ever had a serious problem before, and did you work it out?

Is she open about sexual matters or is this a touchy area for her?

 

It's just porn, and you still want each other. Seems like it could be resolved. You give up porn, she stops the outrage, something like that.

 

Thanks Dako,

 

Logically I think you are probably right. Emotionally I guess I needed to hear it. Since the reaction was so completely beyond my expectations, I do not feel that I can predict her responses any more. That is why I was wondering how people that had faced the challenge of rebuilding a marriage had fared.

[teeters]

I think going to counseling is the key here.

 

You two will need a mediator to be there so you can sit and actually communicate. My Opinion is that, there is something more wrong here and unless you and her get some help, it may collapse.

 

If you knew she didn't like it, why did you do it? Don't answer publicly, but think of why and start from there. If there is an underlying issue, it may help to start by talking there and progress.

[lostinwilderness]

rodeo-rider,

 

Thank you for your response and honesty. I am sorry too for your pain, which sounds very similar to the pain I have caused.

 

I do not expect this road to be easy or anything to be forgotten. However, I am committed to whatever it takes to rebuild the trust and the relationship and I think that she will be too.

 

I am glad to hear that in those conditions there is at least hope of things getting better. I can work for that.

[melrich]

The "cheating" part to me is that you did something behind her back. But don't beat up on yourself too much here.

 

Since the reaction was so completely beyond my expectations,

 

I think her reaction is beyond most expectations. Your wife kicked you out of your family home and threatened to divorce you because you were watching porn?

 

First time offence I'm guessing, if she's that opposed to it, a stern talking to and a "don't do it again" would have been far more appropriate. I think the extreme way she has reacted has somehow elevated in your mind the seriousness of what you did.

 

I hope she sees sense. You sound like a pretty good husband.

[chance]

lostinwilderness- Everyone has a different viewpoint on this matter. Your wife has a right to the way she feels. I believe that you should be applauded, not because of what you did, but because of what you are doing. Your family is worth so much more then a few pictures or video. I think that you are incredibly selfless in putting your wifes feelings ahead of your own and to me that is what a real man does.

A marriage or other partnership is about give and take, trust and putting your loved ones needs first. I think you have the right desire and your head is on straight. I think you will work through this and I am sure your wife will be able to see that and you will get past this.

 

Again, I give you my respect and admiration.

[confusedmama]

Sorry for your pain, but it gives me hope that you are feeling this pain. The fact that you are willing, and hopefully, able to give up porn for your marriage is good news. You don't say how long or often you have viewed porn and I'm not trying to pry, but this is a great indicator as to how hard or easy this task will be. Porn can become an addiction and as such it is extremely difficult to follow through on all the good intentions. Please get to the root of this with your therapist if you think this may be an issue.

 

From experience, I ask that you be totally honest with your wife from this moment on. She will want to know, and has a right to know, if you have looked again-it is a trust factor and while it sounds simple and easy-it is a MAJOR issue in your relationship. I know I felt that I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, sexual enough because if I was he wouldn't have been looking. You will need to reassure your wife you find HER attractive but you also have to be extemely careful in the timing & wording so she doesn't feel that you are just saying it to make her feel better. She needs to believe in you and this will take time. There is no quick fix just honesty and communication.

 

While there were many other issues in my marriage, the fact that he would NOT give up the porn and lied about it over and over was a deal breaker. I commend you on wanting to work this out and being willing to put your marriage first. GOOD LUCK!!

[candy604]

wow your wife sounds like she's over reacting though. I guess she's making her point never ever do it again.

 

I do agree with the others that giving up porn for your family is admirable. I hope your marriage works out.

[yeawutever]

Damn I never something so ridiculous as this. So she kick you out b/c you watched porn, holly crap, you been dating a super jealous freak, a drama queen at the same time.

 

Seriously if someone can't take watching porn at a maturity level, why bother being in a relationship. Personally I wouldn't mind my b/f watching porn and I works fine the other way around if I'm looking at some peckers on a mag.

[lostinwilderness]

Personally I wouldn't mind my b/f watching porn and I works fine the other way around if I'm looking at some peckers on a mag.

 

That obviously is what is appropriate in your relationship. Certainly different relationships and people have different standards. Hearing that not everyone sees porn as 'pure evil' may help me feel like a little less of a total villian, but it ultimately does not help my wife or our relationship. It does not really matter if anyone else thinks that porn is ok, and this is an over reaction. To my wife (and others here) she feels just as hurt and betrayed as if I had slept with another woman. Those are the feelings that we are going to need to be dealing with for a long time.

 

I hope that in the long run the fact that there was no other woman will make the recovery and trusting a little easier. I guess only time will tell.

 

Thank you to Rodeo and others for helping me see that as hopeless as things may seem right now, there is at least hope for a stronger future.

[yeawutever]

True not everyone thinks the same. Lostinwilderness by the time it's 6 months later and yet she still rubs that in your face, do consider seperation, marriage counseling or divorce as the last straw.

[cranbers]

Well one thing people don't realize is that watching two people having sex can do different things to each gender. Men obviously love it, it turns us on and gives us ideas etc. I am not sure why its so great. I know just after you have had sex or did it yourself it doesn't mean much. You turn it off. But when your really just full of hormones its great.

 

I have seen it bring couples together. I know my wife hates it as well. I wish she would watch it with me. she has caught me as well. Naturally it was of a girl with a very large chest. She doesn't have one so she assumed I wanted a girl like that and not her. So yeah maybe it makes them think you want to be with someone else. Now would I have done something with that girl given the chance? I can't say I would. I just like to watch haha.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Watching porn is not the same as cheating...watching porn is pure fantasy...a physical release. There is no real live person involved, it is just an image on a screen. Yes, it is a problem when people become addicted to porn and neglect their spouse because of it. If that was not the case in your situation then please don't keep beating yourself up over it. Your wife took this matter to an extreme and to a certain degree this is also about her own insecurities and she needs to work on herself just as much as you need to work on things. Some people enjoy masturbating to porn, that is a private matter. Just because two people are in a relationship, doesn't mean that self-pleasuring is out of the question...and some people like to self-pleasure by watching porn. Better that than self-pleasuring by fantasizing about a co-worker or someone else the person actually knows. Sure, deal with your issues with porn, but also remember that she has issues too and maybe the two of you need to have a happy medium and not an all or nothing and accusations of cheating.

[Rabican]

Hi There,

 

Wow. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Personally, I don't think that viewing porn constitutes cheating. My bf and I both view porn (separately and together) and to us it's not a big deal, just a bunch of pictures or a video.

 

But obviously this is a standard that your wife set (and it sounds as though you agreed to it- if you knew that it would hurt her this much)... but I can't help but think she may have overreacted.

 

Have you mentioned counseling to her?

 

Have you ever watched porn together?

 

Had you agreed never to view porn, out of respect for her views about it?

 

Cheating is defined by the partner. Thus, if shes ok with him sleeping with other women... its not really cheating. If shes ok with porn, its not cheating. Cheating, is pretty much, doing something hurtful to your partner behind their back. I watch porn, my girl knows I do, I dont think she really minds. Sometimes she will say stuff about it, but she also watches it sometimes. And when I ask if she would prefer I dont watch it, she says no. So thats not cheating.

But if I knew she would be hurt by it, and I did it anyways, thats cheating.

[lostinwilderness]

Cheating is defined by the partner.

 

I guess I would respond that I think cheating SHOULD be defined by the couple and not just any one partner. Still that can only happen if there can be a healthy discussion about sex and the feelings around it.

 

Unfortunately, I have not been able to have that type of discussion with my wife in the past. I am hoping that the silver lining on this big dark cloud is that we will be forced to establish better communication in our relationship.