B/f Going Away Again. Part 2

[hope123]

I am really tempted to text him a message saying i wanna go with you on the bike trip this year even if i pay my own way and fly down with one of my girlfriends and then maybe next year it won't be such a horrible thing when it comes up.

[Hope75]

Hope,

 

Have you still not talked to him about this?

 

When is it, exactly?

[hope123]

no b/c i guess i am putting off what might be a big argument.

 

Well i know one rally is in march--and i doubt that is happening b/c he would have mentioned it by now and he hasnt be working on the bike..i am guessing he is going to the one in the summer which i hear (even from him) that its more of a party and more of a spring break..which i know he wouldnt be comfortable if i did the same..went away on a spring break for a week. I am really tempted to bring it up tonight.

[caro33]

You mean bring it up in person? Please don't text.

 

Have you been thinking about this all this time and sitting on your concern, or did you forget about it for a while?

[Brooding_Goddess]

I am really tempted to text him a message saying i wanna go with you on the bike trip this year even if i pay my own way and fly down with one of my girlfriends and then maybe next year it won't be such a horrible thing when it comes up.

 

Firstly welcome to the Boyfriend On Bike Trip Again club

 

Secondly, dont tell him you will fly down with gf(s). Offer to meet him half way or after his "official" bike trip. Some outings are strictly Blokes Only and it doesnt make sense for a woman to try to hijack it. Suggest a week together following the bike trip somewhere nearby. Even better, get interested "hooning" down the country with him.

 

My boyfriend went on a bike trip to provence last year. He is doing another Europe bike trip this May. But we will do a bike trip together next year via San francisco - Seattle - Vancouver!

[hope123]

brooding goddess

 

i appreciate your response..but the thing is..this place seems like a spring break to me and plenty of girls are apart of it..i dont see whats wrong with me saying i want to see what this is like..and maybe if i do..i wont care next year so much about it.

 

Caro,

 

no i havent been thinking about it. I let it go since the last time i posted..it might have crossed my mind but i have been able to just let it go for now..he mentioned he needs to start working on the bike and this is kind of what got me thinking about it again.

[Dako]

Would you enjoy the trip?

[never-too-late]

I personally think that it's wrong what your boyfriend is doing. Why would other wives and other girlfriends fly down and not you? It would make me feel really bad and suspicious as well. It would make anybody feel that way. I mean how can she trust him? If he said that other wives and girlfriends are not flying down as well and he would just prefer being alone with the guys as he would not want to look weak and unmanly in front of the guys, I would say nothing and let him go. But he is telling her that SHE is not the one to fly down. It's just wrong.

 

I think if I were you, I would tell him that he should explain to you properly and give you an honest answer why would other girlfriends fly down and not you. I think he is not being considerate of your feelings. I would tell him that you need some time alone and I would pull away from him a bit to make him realise.

 

I don't understand that people tell you that you need to trust him. That's ridiculous in this situation. He is going to a strip bar to have a wild week and he does not want her to go there but she should trust him as he did not cheat last year??? What is this? Honestly.

 

You know what you should do? Tell him that you have booked for that week to go with your girlfriends somewhere. Be mysterious about it and show him that you will not sit at home waiting for him while he is having fun with strippers. Really this guy needs a wake up call. He will not have as much fun as he would like to as he will think to himself because he will wonder what you are up to with your girlfriends.

 

Be strong and show him that you are not a little girl waiting for him at home. I would not be happy if my boyfriend did this. He went on a vacation with his best friend last year for 3 weeks and I felt so worried but I of course did not object. However, to go on a wild week that is too much for someone in a relationship to handle.

[hope123]

thank you

 

in his defense, he says he did not know some of them were flying down and found out afterwards and even with that--those people werent really the ones he was hanging out with. Despite that--i really dont know how much i can totally believe that..i'm sure something had to be brought up when talking the main guy("my wife will fly down") or something along those lines.

 

I really dont know if i should go about it the nice way or say look--you even said the one during the summer is like a spring break..and this is bull to think its ok to do this. You would not like this if the situation was reversed(and he really wouldnt). After 2 years together--he should have a little more concern with what i am saying. I feel like he has a loophole of going on this vacation b/c its a "bike trip" Last year i dont recall him spending so much time riding..it mostly has to do with drinking/eating at the bars where guess what--all those girls were.

[never-too-late]

I think you might start doing things for yourself. Plan weekends with your girlfriends, especially that time when he is away, you should tell him that you are going away with your friend. Honestly believe me, he will realise.

 

I still think it's wrong that he is going there. I think it's pretty disrespectful.

 

I would not get mad with him. I would just write to him or tell him in a calm way:

 

"Listen baby enjoy the bike trip. Actually, two friends of mine invited me to go away that week so that should be fun. I will speak to you when I come back"

 

Believe me, this will make him think twice about you.

[hope123]

i appreciate your advice greatly..

 

but that could backfire. My b/f is pretty strong minded and obviously if i say that--he would know i am trying to get under his skin. He would say oh really? ok, have a good time..but a month ago without talking or mentioning the bike trip..i said to him a friend of mine mentioned me going to miami..and he said well does she know you have a b/f now and shouldnt be doing that..like a spring break type thing..so he obviously knows where i am coming from..i really think i need to see for myself what this thing is like..maybe i will see its harmless and the men outnumber the women by a really great number..or maybe i will see it as a huge party and if you are in a serious relationship or married--you dont go here as if you are single. Its not respectful.

[never-too-late]

Oh my God, honestly I feel sorry for you. It's all about your boyfriend, his freedom, his needs and his CONTROL over you!

 

So he can go on a wild week seeing strippers and you should be fine with that and you are not even allowed to go and visit him. And your friend mentions to you that you guys should go to Miami and he tells you " does she know you have a boyfriend??"

 

I am not sure if it's because you don't see your situation objectively but if he is allowed to go on these trips and you are respecting it, why wouldn't you be allowed to go somewhere with your friend. Are you his object? A relationship is about two separare individuals. He does not seem to get it.

 

I think he is selfish. He expects you to say "yes darling, go and enjoy yourself with your friends, and have a wild week with all these strippers around you". Honestly wake up girl! If he is going, you should go to. He is telling you he does not want you to fly in so you will sit at home waiting for him??

 

He would say oh really? ok, have a good time

 

So what and this is how it should be. A relationship and love is not about getting jelous and upset and angry with each other if we want to do something apart. What do you want him to say? "no, don't do that, please wait for me at home while I am having fun with my buddies, having a wild week without you, please don't go, you know how much I love you". I mean you should do the same to him: ok, have a good time, I have other plans with friends so we can speak when we both get back.

 

really think i need to see for myself what this thing is like..maybe i will see its harmless and the men outnumber the women by a really great number..or maybe i will see it as a huge party and if you are in a serious relationship or married--you dont go here as if you are single. Its not respectful.

 

I am not sure if you listen to him but did he not make it quite clear to you that he DOES NOT WANT you to fly in? He wants to be there alone? Are you going to go against his decision and force yourself to be there with him if he DOES NOT WANT THAT? you will just look pathetic, like a control freak. I mean he wants to be there alone and you are saying that if you are in a serious relationship yuo don't go there as if you are single. Well, he told you he does not want you to be there.

 

And if it's not disrespectful, why do you come here to ask for an advice? You are obviously worried about it and it bothers you because you are uncomfortable that he is going there.

 

Honestly, I think if you go there with him, he will resent you for it and he will think deep inside "oh my god, she is sticking to me like a chewing gum, I told her I don't want her to be here but she does not care. what a possesive girlfriend do I have". I am not sure if your relationship will be fine after that.

 

But it's your relationship and your happiness. If you think that he is doing a good thing and you want to go there, by all means tell him. I am sure he will welcome that idea with a big smile.

 

I still think you should have the right to go with your girlfriend if he is going there. but you obviously prefer to go there so I hope you guys will have fun!

[never-too-late]

oh and next time he mentions something about going on a wild weekend with his friends without you, why dont you something like:

 

Don't you realise you have a girlfriend?

 

The same he told you and see how he reacts.

[hope123]

never too late,

 

i was mentioning my friend and what she said..to show he does understand somewhat where i am coming from and probably need to bring that up.

Also you mention oh just say to him ok i am going away for a week, have fun...but its not meant in a nice way if said..its going out of spite for him wanting to go away.

 

And i do think its disrespectful so i dont understand why you said if its not, then why are you posting? Its b/c i am torn on how to feel and act regarding this. And when it comes to him wanting to go alone..of course he would want to go alone to this thing..but maybe he needs to realize that if you arent single, you have to take other people into consideration.

He might resent BUT is it really fair for him to say--i am going on this EVERY year..and you are not coming..that means i never could see for myself what this is like? That to me isnt fair and can cause resentment..if i see men outnumbering the women--then maybe i overreacted but if i see what these pics show me and articles i have read--then i have every right to be there if he goes.

[never-too-late]

I give up but before I do that, I think one thing you might need to remember:

 

If a man does not ask you to go with him somewhere, the last thing you should do is to force yourself onto him. You may resent him for not asking you to go with him but if you love him like you say you do, you need to accept that he has not asked you go to with him.

 

A man should come up with the idea himself asking you to go with him, if he does not, in my opinion as a respectful woman, who is next to him, should not go.

 

I believe if he has said it himself that he does not want you to fly in, he has his reasons for it. If you go against that, you will only show him how much you do not trust him as you have to check it out for him to be able to approve. You will only show him how you disrespect him because you are not respecting his wish for you not to fly it. And man needs to be respected in order to respect you back.

 

You are only his girlfriend. You are not his fiancee or wife. I think he is clearly showing you by doing this that you are not at the stage of your relationship where he wants you to be present at every event he goes to.

 

I believe if you don't go with him and you plan your own thing, the outcome will be much better. Because this way you are showing him you trust him (a big need for a man to feel good with his woman), you respect him and you have respect for yourself and you can be allright on your own without him.

 

I also think if you tell him the reasons why you want to go there in order to see it for yourself so you can accept it, he will think you are controling him and you are making decisions in your relationship if he is allowed to go to such parties or not.

 

It may seem fair to you to go there but you might need to think that he does not see it as fair and that is why he has asked you not to fly in. But you seem convinced that you must be there no matter what he says or what he wants.

 

Well, I think now I am slowly seeing why your boyfriend is a little afraid and not happy with you being there because if you act like this with him, I am not surprised.

 

I think if you back off and do what I advice, you have a higher chance of him telling you next year (if you are still together) to go with him because you remained calm, respectful and you gave him the freedom to go. And the decision will be HIS, not yours against his will.

 

Men do not respond well to girls who are possesive!! Believe me.

 

I will leave it to others what they have to say about this. I said all I could and I believe I am not very far from the truth that this guy will be upset if you go there.

[hope123]

never too late,

 

maybe i didnt mention to you..when this came up like 2 months ago--he said if you wanna pay your own way to come down then fine..of course he said it in a not so happy tone b/c we were in the middle of an argument..but with regards to respect--shouldnt he respect me when it comes to this trip this year? He went last year alone...and i really think just because you are engaged or married--a person isnt going to change their thought patterns that much. Chances are--if a person is thinking this after 2 years together--he isnt going to say oh come with me b/c i have a ring on my finger..i think he needs to understand my point of view a little more..i look up these places and i see these women in scantily clad women..why should i feel secure 100%?

[never-too-late]

You are honestly not getting my point!!!!!

 

 

Stop thinking what is right for you! You must accept that he is not happy with you going. Do you want to spend your money on this trip just to check it out? Don't you want to spend it on a nice top, a nice skirt, nice things for yourself so when he gets back, he will be all over you, realising how silly he was leaving a woman like you at home?

 

I was trying to explain to you that he is not engaged to you so his decisions are at the moment his and if he showed you he isn't happy with the idea of you going, then respect it and don't.

 

If he comes to you and says to you: you know I thought about it and actually I want you to come with me because in the end you are my girl and I want you to be there. then by all means, go.

 

But he has not done that. Instead he is kind of trying not to disappoint you and he is telling you well, if you want to pay for it.. can't you see the guy is hoping that you will say "actually i cannot afford it".. he is not jumping around with excitement and that should be enough sign for you not to go..

 

And if you feel insecure, it's your problem actually. If he has not given you any reasons for you to doubt his faithfulness, why worrying than?

 

I honestly don't know how else to tell you that he will not be happy with the idea of you going unless he comes up with the idea himself.

 

Anyway, if you prefer going there, go but honestly I would not go because is it worth paying for a trip like this? I learned a lesson if a person is not showing me that they want me to be somewhere, the best thing is to back off. It will win you lots of respect. Instead I would spend my money on me and what is important to me. But it's all about our choices.

 

Good luck to you! and enjoy the trip.

 

Take care.

[Dako]

hope123

 

I've tried my best, but I'll take one last stab.

Your guy did these things before you came along, and now you want to change him. I don't think you'd enjoy going with him, and that may be why he's not so keen on taking you. You don't seem into the biker scene the way he is.

 

To you, some pix of flashing women convince you that's all these rides are about, and nothing will sway your imagination from images of your guy havin a "wild time" with dozens of loose women.

 

Does he frequent strip clubs? Does he have sex with other women in your town? Does he ogle women? These answers will tell you who he is, not some pix of a small percentage of partygoers on the web.

 

If his character isn't what you'd like, maybe he's not the man you want.

In a longterm relationship, trust is important to give and receive.

[hope123]

dako,

 

dont i have a right to go atleast once to form my own opinion? And then to say hey-the pics were exaggerated..there is nothing for me to worry about next year and no reason to post anymore about the topic. He should put himself in my shoes--he wouldnt particularly like it if i said--i always went to miami every year and i am gonna keep doing it.

[Batya33]

What is the basis of this "right" you speak of? If you two are exclusive you have the right to assume he is not dating anyone else or having sexual contact with anyone else. Unless you two promised each other you would be permitted to monitor each others' behavior I don't see where the "right" comes from.

 

To me, talking about it in terms of a "right" is a bit of a cop out. If you believe that under your standards and values he should not go on this vacation without you there - that is your opinion, value and standard - if you are not willing to stand up for yourself and need others to validate that there is some sort of objective "right" for you to go on this vacation or similar vacations, then I would suggest that this is not a healthy/balanced relationship.

[Dako]

He looks forward to this ride, preps his bike, rides with good friends to this rally. At each stop he feels free and happy, talking with the boys about anything at all, farting freely. Childish? Maybe, but it sure feels good after the confinement of modern life.

 

He gets to the rally and picks you up at the airport. He can no longer spend hours discussing primary drive belts, dual plug heads and telling bad jokes over one too many beers. He now worries about you having a good time.

 

Would you?

[hope123]

But finding out that women fly down to meet their b/f or husband wasnt the greatest feeling. I am guessing this happens a lot where the boys ride down and the girls meet them there..whats wrong with me seeing what its like one year and then maybe i wont have a problem with it next year as i might see the cameras follow the crazy girls but its not a bad balance.

[Dako]

What's wrong with chaperoning your guy at an event you don't really enjoy?

It'll make your guy miserable, and he deserves better.

 

Guilty until proven innocent.

[hope123]

how is it chaperoning though when plenty of girls go with their guys...i know one of the wives doesnt ride and she flew down to meet him. Obviously this is more for the males and the girls are just eye candy...so dako, that means every year he goes--even if i am possibly engaged or married to him--i should never go to see this event and see whats going on? you dont think resentment would start to build up with me then?

[RayKay]

But finding out that women fly down to meet their b/f or husband wasnt the greatest feeling. I am guessing this happens a lot where the boys ride down and the girls meet them there..whats wrong with me seeing what its like one year and then maybe i wont have a problem with it next year as i might see the cameras follow the crazy girls but its not a bad balance.

 

Because if you go, when he does not really want you there, and you don't want to be there for any other reason than to spy....you are BOTH going to be miserable and I would not be surprised if he walked away from this relationship to be honest because that is showing him what a life with you would be like.

 

Whom wants to be with someone whom does not trust them, is possessive, does not allow them to make their own decisions, tags along to follow them when they are not invited, and so on?

 

My boyfriend went to Vegas last year with friends, to go watch the AMA motorcross finals. I would of loved to go as I LOVE motorcross, and I am sure I would of had great fun...but it was a guys weekend with him and some of his best buddies and there is NO way I would of just said "well I am going too as I don't trust you". Sure it was Vegas, and there are many things that go on there in Vegas...but that does not mean that HE is going to participate in them.

 

Because I DO trust him and because we both have to have our own space to make our own decisions and trust that each other will be considerate of the other. Even if you don't say "I don't trust you" it is HEAVILY implied! Maybe there is reason not to trust, but that is something that won't be fixed by following him around.

 

 

If you do not trust, or cannot accept he is going to go....then maybe consider that you are in different places in life and maybe you are not compatible. But I really believe it would be a big mistake to tag along on this trip.