How do you stop loving the person

[drum4god]

Its been almost a month (Dec 26th) since my ex girlfriend broke up with me, and I can't seem to get over her. We were together for a year. We had a lot of ups and downs, mostly because she was unsure of her feelings. She was hot and cold. She would love me one day, and tell she wasn't in love the next. It was pure torture, mainly because she was the one that came back to me (she broke up with me twice and came back without my urging).

 

I have been NC for the most part. I ran into her at a party for a mutual friend. We had small talk for about a minute. She said goodbye give me a kiss, and then rubbed my shoulder. I also heard that even though she feels she made the right decision, she is not taking the breakup well. She didn't look good at the party, and did everything to avoid me, because she was crying.

 

I having trouble moving on. In my head I know its over, but my heart still doesn't let go. It also doesn't help I see her in church. I saw her yesterday from afar. I was on stage playing drums and would glance over at times. What I found odd was that she was sitting while everyone was standing, and her Mom was in tears. Her Mom loved me.

 

I know I am overanalyzing, but deep down I feel she let fear rob her. Everytime she got close, she would withdraw, especially when she opened herself up emotionally.

 

I guess, the question I have is. How do you let go of hope of her not only coming back, but coming back changed. In my head I know that just doesn't happen. Even though I believe she knows she took me for granted, and is feeling it, it probably won't change.

 

I am sticking to NC, and I want to move on, but how do you stop loving the person. Even when a person didn't treat you well, and you know you deserve better, your still hope that person will come back. I am the type that loves unconditionally and that seems to hurt me. She hurt me, and I already forgave her, but at same time I didn't forget. Even she wanted to come back (which is a longshot) I don't know if I can't take her back.

 

I seem to do O.K, but when I see her in church its just kills me. She looks like the most beautiful women in the world, and I get these thoughts of her with someone else, and it hurts like hell. But what can I do. She is free, and doesn't owe me anything, but when does the love go away. When do the feelings subside? I hope it happens soon

[ebsmith1]

I wish I knew the answer to that. I guess it just takes time. I still love my ex very much and even though I know he wouldn't be good for me, I still want him back. We were together for three years and engaged for a few months. It's the worst pain I've ever felt and I hope to never feel something like it again. I'm sorry that you are going through this and I hope it passes more quickly for you than it has for me.

[Ash]

You can't stop loving a person, all you can do is let time take some of the sting out of it. You will move on, you'll be able to think past this again somebody.

 

One thing you will find is that it won't prevent you from loving somebody else. When the right person comes along you'll love them just as much (perhaps more, who knows) than this person you've just recently let go. Still loving her now doesn't prevent another love in the future.

 

NC is the best way to go, seeing her again just makes the feelings surface. Eventually it won't happen in quite the same way.

[hosswhispra]

Even though you may find it a bit difficult-->keep sticking to No Contact. The feelings that you have now will dissipate over time--even though it does not feel that way right now--the break-up is very fresh. I know you were with her for one year. My sister had a 5-month relationship end (they were friends first before dating, too) in the beginning of July. I asked her yesterday how long does it take to feel 'normal' after that happened to her--she said that she feels much better now--6 months later--and that feeling better was a gradual process for her.

 

In the meantime, treat yourself with kindness; in other words, spend time with loved ones--family/friends--keep on drumming, go to the gym and maybe plan a solo vacation (I have done that) to a warm and sunny climate.

 

hugs,

hosswhispra

[spikespiegel]

drum4god, you have the same problem that I have right now. My ex of just over a year broke up with me on Dec 7, and I am still having trouble getting past the hope of reconciliation. The time it takes to get over them is different for everyone, the only thing that is certain is that it WILL take time. It's only been a month and a half for me, and I know that it will take much longer for me personally to start to lose my feelings for her, just from past experience, which really sucks. Other than keep from talking to her and try to keep from running into her, there's nothing more I can do, and you should try to do the same.

[hockeyboy]

i dont think you will ever stop loving the person, but that love will evolve into something else. for example, i still love my HS sweetheart who i was with for 4 years. we never speak and never see each other but we do hear about each others lives thru mutual friends.

 

i love her, but have zero desire to be with her in any way. when i hear things are going good in her life, im sincerly happy. when they aren't good, i feel bad for her. I will pretty much always care about her and wish her the best, but would never date her again in a million years.

 

It just takes time.

[arwen]

I think hockeyboy is very right. Right now you are probably still in the place where you have strong memories of the relationship with her, and part of you still wants to be with her even if you know it was for the best that you guys broke up. You have just been broken up for a month... I am sorry that you feel this way, but it's very early days! It can take a lot of time, but each day is part of the progress, no matter how bad that day may feel.

 

Arwen

[drum4god]

Thanks everyone,

 

I know it will take time, but it doesn't help I see her in church. Its obvious she is hurting. My friend said she doesn't know what she wants. Its crazy.

 

I am sorry, but I hate to overanalyze, but when I saw her last Friday we spoke briefly, then after she said goodbye, she rubbed my shoulder. What was that? My friend saw it and said it was strange. It could have been just a friendly gesture, saying I am sorry I hurt you, or it could be telling me I still have feelings for you. I don't know. That little thing has me thinking so many things. I wish I really knew what she was feeling? But I may never know. i

 

Someone else told me that she did that, just to tell you don't go anywhere yet. If that is true, that wouldn't be to cool. I mean she kept me hanging on for a year, and she wants to do this to me again. She once told me the thought of another woman with me drove her nuts, and was part of the reason she came back to me the first time she broke up with me.

 

I was actually doing O.K. until she did that to me. I can't explain but I still feel she is controlling me. In a way I wish she never did that. Its given me false hope and making it harder for me to move on.

 

I will be O.K. My band is playing this Friday in the city (if anybody lives in Manhattan I can give you details, you can get direction, the name of the band is RHEN, and can check us out on link removed.). We haven't played in 3 months, and we should have a lot of female fans there. Hopefully I can just flirt and mingle just to get my mind off of her.

 

Thanks again, everyone.

[longhaircats]

Hi drum,

 

My ex kept me hanging for 4 months after the initial breakup. He became hot and cold and gave me tons of mixed signals. I guess a dampar go through doubts as well. If she really loves you, she should be with you at this moment. Don't overanalyze what she says or what other says. Just believe your gut, and think about what "you want." My ex disappeared so many times in the past and I took him back every time, hoping he'd changed, but he never did and I know he never will. You can never change someone, or someone's feelings. You just have to accept who she is. NC is for you to figure out what you want in your life. After a while of NC and if you still want her, then ask her back.