I need some advice on a new relationship!

[ItsYourChoice]

So I met a guy on a dating site, hit it off really well. ANyhow on our fourth date, we ended up having sex (ummm like 5 times). I was attracted to him for a variety of reasons and it'd been a loooong time for me. We were safe everytime, im on the pill and we used condoms. So in other words I dont regret the sex...this isnt an I slept with him and now im the one whos screwed post!

 

Here is the question: I like him...we share many common interests and have no problem holding conversation, and just seem to have that click. Still its very new. SO im looking for good signs/bad signs/ways to keep this at a good pace.

 

He stayed over the night we had sex, and we had breakfast in the morning. He texted and called that evening. The next morning i texted to say good morning and he called me but i missed the call and called in the afternoon. We had a quick chat and I had to go but he said to call him later. Well at 8 i hadnt called and he called me and asked me about coming to see me tonight. I had mentioned id be in his area later in the week and he said "well then you should stop over and see me."

 

So question is..is he interested in me? Good signals? And are we moving too fast to have 4 dates in this one week? Its only been a couple weeks.

[xmrth]

I think he's definitely interested. Calling when you haven't called, and being the one to suggest you coming to see him after he says he wants to come and see you, too.

He's interested, but it might be moving too fast; I don't know. You can definitely see eachother all you want, but having sex so soon changes the pace of how you discover things about eachother. The thing with that though is if you stop (and stop if you want to of course) is it might disrupt the course of your relationship. Sex typically becomes frequent especially after you've discovered all these different kinds of things about eachother. I don't think it's necessarily bad... because so many people do that so early on, but you just have to be careful it's not moving too fast is all. Remember that you still have things to discover with eachother and try to get hung up on having fun with that for a while too.

[Batya33]

You decided to take the risk of having sex and seeing him 4 times in one week - which risks early burn out because some people get overwhelmed by the amount of time spent, then need space, and then because they don't know you well at all, don't quite know how to explain that. It's really fun and thrilling to get caught up in the excitement and drop your social life, everything for the new person in the first few weeks. The down side is that you are not getting to know each other over time so that you can integrate each other into your existing lives, or if you have no life it can start to feel too needy/clingy on one or both sides.

 

Look, you said you don't regret having sex so soon - so you have to accept that potential risks and trade offs. Sure, it can work - couples like you can go on to get married, live happily ever after - but far more often, the man backs off because the 4 dates plus the sex and the sleepovers sometimes scares a man into thinking that now you will be wanting a full blown relationship instead of what it is now - a casual fling.

 

Since you are fine - and happy! - with a casual fling then understand that he doesn't have to call you every day or even every other day - and if he is backing off, allow him to do so and if he wants to explore a real relationship with you he will be in touch. He has no obligation to stay in closer touch just because you slept with him.

 

As far as having a lot in common - almost anyone can find enough in common for four dates - the trick is whether over time you continue to have things in common and to be compatible - sex can cloud the brain and make you think you have a stronger connection than you do. He is mostly a stranger to you - you have no idea what he is like with his family, his friends, what he's like when he has a bad stretch at work, a good stretch at work, during baseball season, christmas season, you get the picture - you've known him only a few weeks or less in person, right? You've had pairs of socks longer than you've known him and you have no idea whether his behavior is consistent over time.

[ItsYourChoice]

No I didnt have sex with him in order to push things into a committed relationship. I know that one doesnt equal the other.

 

In our first week we had two dates, in our second week, 2...and this week if we get together all the times we've planned itll be 4 which I think might be a little much. When I mentioned that I would be in his area on Wednesday it was more as an alternative to him coming up tomorrow (as hes done all the traveling, albeit only 25 minutes) then an additional meeting.

 

I just dont want to pressure things or rush things..twice a week is a comfortable pace for me in the first couple months of dating.

 

Still, hes sweet, funny, polite to waitstaff which is something i always look for and Id like to get to know him better and see where it goes! I guess the main point to my post was he DOESNT owe me anything, not at all..but hes doing alot..like calling the day of, the day after, setting up other dates..so would this indicate that his interest in me runs deeper then just sex as well?

[handsdown]

I think he is interested in you beyond sex, but, to be honest, only you can tell that right? You will be the one to know if it's right or not.

 

My boyfriend and I had a casual date and then saw each other the next day and slept together, so not quite sex on the first date but close enough. Our relationship moved very fast (saw each other a lot) and we fell in love. It just seemed right and even though others thought we were nuts, we just got along so well and it just felt RIGHT. We've been together over a year and live together now and we are very happy. We do have separate social lives and hobbies as well, in case anyone is wondering.

 

I say just go with what you feel, if you feel it's too much, take a step back. I think don't worry so much and enjoy yourself, if it turns out to be something less than, life goes on but at least you got some pleasure out of it.

[ItsYourChoice]

Thanks...I have friends who have started off quickly and been in long term relationships. At this point I have no idea where he and I could go or are headed, but im hoping that this doesnt end things. We were both into it and into eachother so I hope to get the chance to keep getting to know him!

 

ANy male opinions?

[Orlander]

Well, in the past I usually stopped dating the woman about a month into the relationship after we had sex. I planned on doing the same thing with my last ex after a couple of months, but ended up staying because she fell hard in love with me...but it turned out to be a horrible experience.

 

It depends on what you are looking for. Are you looking for someone to date or something more? like marriage?

 

 

Orlander

[ItsYourChoice]

Well marriage isnt even in teh farthest corners of my mind reguarding this guy..i dont know him except that we seem to have a bit in common, laugh alot, and have a good time together and a great time in bed to speak candidly.

 

Id like to date him for awhile, if feelings develop then maybe longer then awhile.

 

Can I ask why you broke up after a month of having sex?

[Batya33]

As I mentioned in my previous post you won't know until you see if this is his behavior over time - over a few months at least - if he continues to be consistent, reliable and attentive to you. Anyone can be attentive and reliable for a few weeks - it's not a predictor of what will happen over the next six months.

 

If you are concerned about whether a man's interest runs deeper than just sex (concerned enough to post) I would gently suggest holding off on sex next time until you've seen if his behavior is consistent or reliable over time - that way you won't have to guess or if you do it will be a blip on the radar screen rather than prompting you to give it real thought or to have more than the most minor concern.

 

I understand that you don't feel your having sex with him gives him any more of an obligation to be in touch but I read in your post that you hope it's not just sex, which is why I made the suggestion above. But, it's your risk to take and your sense of priorities in a relationship, not mine!

[Batya33]

Thanks...I have friends who have started off quickly and been in long term relationships. At this point I have no idea where he and I could go or are headed, but im hoping that this doesnt end things. We were both into it and into eachother so I hope to get the chance to keep getting to know him!

 

ANy male opinions?

 

 

I know of the same people - but in general it is a much greater risk that early sex and moving too fast leads to early burnout than otherwise. But, if you prioritize giving in to the early chemistry and "lust" by having sex rather than lessening the risk of early burnout by waiting that is your risk to take.

[ItsYourChoice]

I have normally waited..but it had been probably 6 months since id had sex and over a year since id had good sex.

 

My last boyfriend lasted 6 months, we waited 4 months to have sex and it was BAD, no sexual compatibility or chemistry and i couldnt have guessed this leading up because we had such chemistry in all the precursors to sex. Within two months it was such a battle and it had to end. That is my fear I suppose for the future..that I wait months, see that his intention is true, and end up having wasted my time on a man who cannot please me.

 

This one can, im not looking for an overnight committment...to be truthful maybe im just looking for a fling that I hope will last for a couple months.

[arwen]

I think Batya is right. Why not take care of things before they really go too fast? Just plan a date that does not involve hanging at either of your places, like going for a great hike in the weekend or a museum (depending what you like). Or go sporting. What I am saying is that if you truly want to know the guy and see what is there for a future relationship, plan activities together that are not taking place in the bedroom!

 

Arwen

[Batya33]

I confess that I cannot relate to two people having chemistry, attraction, passion and then things being that bad when you "go all the way" that it cannot be worked on or cannot improve. Maybe it's because I don't focus on technique but on the whole experience of making love. Not sure. I also can't relate to being able to judge whether it's good when you're still basically strangers - never done that but I would imagine that part of what makes it good is knowing and caring about each other which cannot really exist after only two weeks or not at the level of bonding and closeness you can have knowing someone over time, for months.

[ItsYourChoice]

Welll....believe it lol

 

With the 6 month guy, we had only done what youd term (sorry for this high school terminology) 1st and 2nd base stuff.

 

When we went all the way..he convienently skipped 3rd and rounded home (he made sure that I WASNT skipping 3rd i should also point out). ANyhow he wrote this off to nerves but then still wouldnt please me in that way saying that he was nervous and hadnt done it in the past but he wanted to please me.

 

So he attempted it but it was very clear he wouldve been much happier if I always did this activity for him and he never did it for me. He finally brok eup with me, citing incompatibility (I WAS willing to try to compromise, work on things, etc)

 

How can it be good with someone I barely know? He seemed in tune with what I wanted, was able to read my reactions, and i was able to read his. His stamina was excellent and really he was what i needed after feeling so undesireable to my ex. Lets face it Batya...love and romance are wonderful things and i look forward to the day when I have this again BUT as a human being I can accept that at this point i DESIRED good sex and maybe the reason it was so good is because I was out for myself in this round

 

Now with this guy, who knows where itll go..i just hope it wasnt one night.

[Batya33]

Well, we're not on the same wavelength - not saying you are wrong or I am right but I cannot separate sex from love and know that I could not enjoy it without love and commitment - no matter how "good" the technique.

 

Good luck with the guy and it sounds like it was worth it to you even if it turns out just to be a one night thing.

[thlst3]

Just have fun and don't put too much pressure on yourself.

 

If a girl shows interest in meeting up and having lunch/dinner/hangout, i think it's great. I would feel weird if she over stayed or want to meet up all the time... especially in the beginning of the relationship. Take it slow and have fun.

[rnorth]

Choice -

 

If he was in contact with you "the day after" and he wanted to make plans, he is interested in keeping things going.

 

Enjoy the fact that your relationship has become sexual and that you are both so compatible! Thats great! But don't lose yourself too much in one person; keep other plans intact and don't hesitate to make plans with friends family hoping that you can leave that day/night reserved for him. By doing this, you can pace the relationship in a healthy manner and avoid the dreaded "burnout".

 

And here is my conflicting bit of advice; do what feels good but also do what feels right. You are probably both at the stage where spontaneity is fun and acceptable between both parties but you also need to consider your own feelings. You could be entering the infatuation phase and we all get a little lost riding the high that is involved in this part of the relationship.

 

In the end, the best advice is probably not to overthink it and just have fun! But please don't lose yourself!

[ItsYourChoice]

Thank you north, great advice....

 

I wouldnt say im infactuated...I just enjoy talking to him and spending time with him and its a bonus that we had a great night too

 

I do understand what youre saying...dont burnout..I guess thats kind of what im trying to do which is why 4 dates in a week seems excessive to me. Im quite busy during the week with obligations with friends/family/school/kickboxing.

 

I dont want to rush the dating phase just because we had sex early on. I dont want HIM to think im smothering and thus bail when we very well could have a great time together!

[rnorth]

Sorry, to overstate the infatuation thing. But its clear you see some potential and don't want to squander it. And it sounds like you are pretty self-aware as well as 'clued in' to pacing yourself a bit more and keeping your own life going. If this becomes a steady thing, holding onto those good things that were a part of you before you met him will help make it a healthy relationship.

 

great job!

[Orlander]

Can I ask why you broke up after a month of having sex?

 

I routinely lost interest in women after having sex with them because of the fear of commitment or that I just wasnt that into them. Yes, there is a reason I am 34 and single but I dont feel the same way anymore. I'm looking for the love of my life.

 

Just watch out for players. The best way to tell if a guy is a player or not is to postpone sex until you get further into the relationship.

 

Orlander

[ItsYourChoice]

I see Orlander...well better late then never! You are a cutie..im sure you'll have no problem!!

 

With this guy..he has been in long term relationships before so I dont know that hes a bed hopper.

 

As an update though, we got together Monday, had a nice time and went to the movies. He called last night but I missed the call as id fallen asleep early so I shall call today.