Here's my story--some insight?

[amazonqueen]

Hi. First of all, let me say that I find this forum such a blessing.

I am doing NC. It's only been 8 days, but from everything I have read here it is the best thing to do for ME. Of course, I still love my ex and I still want him back, but I realized that doing NC is not to get him back but to help me heal. So far, it's hell on earth.

I'll try to make this as short as possible.

I went through a bad marriage and divorce 9 years ago. Dated only very casually in the interim. Last year, I met a v. nice man through mutual friend. We hit it off immediately. We decided to be exclusive. (He asked for the exclusivity). Then, came the L word. He told me he loved me, etc. ANyway, we were going along fine. He met and liked my son a great deal. I met his friends & family. The only possible issue was that he wanted children and I didn't want more kids. However, I kept the lines of communication open about this issue. It was not a : "I'm never gonna have kids situation". I talked to him about this and my worries for the future. His response: I love you, I do not want to lose you.

I finally opened up and told him about why I didn't think I wanted more kids. (Abusive relationship in the first marriage, post-partum). AGAIN, he assured me that he loved me and did not want to lose me.

On Nov 30, we talked for a half an hour on the phone. It was a normal conversation with no indication that anything was amiss. He kept saying how much he missed me (we hadn't seen each other in a week or so). Ending with "I love you so much."

Then, on Dec 1st, he calls me and says he's been thinking a lot about the kids issue. He said he talked to his mom and she told him that he should break it off now. He kept saying "I love you so much. I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose you." Of course, the conversation ended with, "I love you, but I think we should end it." He also said he would call me the next day so we could exchange our stuff.

Never calls. I, of course, do the nutty texting him. I freaking begged him. (I feel like such an idiot). Finally, he gets my stuff back to me through a third party (coward!). He puts a note in there saying : there is no one else, it is about the kids, and it would be too hard to try again, and I should just forget him.

So, I, being the broken hearted idiot write him this long, heartfelt letter explaining how much I love him, and how I would love to have kids with him, but he never gave me a chance to explain that. Etc. Etc.

Anyway, I am an strict NC (except I have to go into work everday and see the woman who introduced us--she is a friend of mine and she is just as baffled as I am by this). I never thought that I would have a relationship again because I was burned so damn badly in my marriage. I allowed myself to love this man and to trust this man, and out of the blue he does this.

I am trying my damndest to let go and to do NC, but I just have no idea what the hell happened here. I have absolutely no insight into why this went down.

I really felt like God had blessed me with this man b/c we got along so well, everything was so good. Seriously, I have gone over the months we were together and can't find an inkling of what caused this to happen. Now, I feel like God/the Universe is playing a cruel joke on me. I honest to God do not know how to get over this pain. When I said I loved him I meant it. So, I know, loving him like I do, the most loving thing I can do for him and me is to let go, but it hurts so much, especially not knowing why.

Thanks for listening.

[DN]

To be honest - I can see why he broke up with you. He obviously loved you but in the end he could see that having children of his own was very important to him and he was not prepared to sacrifice that.

 

The problem is that you saying after he broke up with you that you would have children with him was probably too late because he would see that as you 'giving in' in order to keep him and not the wholehearted desire to have children with him that would be necessary for a well balanced family.

 

I think you should take a little time to decide if you really do want to have kids with him for the right reasons. If you do - then write him a letter explaining how you feel rationally and unequivocally. I know you have already done that but you need to do it in a more convincing way.

[breeze33]

You don't know why it happened but something must have changed after you opened up about why you did not want kids--- abusive relationship, postpartum, etc. maybe that scared him off and when he told his mother (sounds like she has a big influence in his life, that would give me pause), it confirmed how strongly he felt about the issue. As long as you can physically have children, somehow with time, you two could have worked it out. But that is just my opinion.

 

Don't know what to say but it is sad to hear that two people who love each other so much and yet love alone cannot overcome different goals two people have. I'm in the same situation (me and my ex have different goals) and my heart breaks for you.

[amazonqueen]

Thank you both

[GoingForIt_77]

Amazon Queen,

 

I don't know how long the break-up has been official, but I do recommend that you do not force any more issues with him for the moment and I surely don't agree with sending him another long letter. If you do that, that time should not be now.

 

Give him and yourself space for awhile. I know it hurts. I'm going through the same thing right now. I tried to propose to my ex the day she left me (10 days ago). That did nothing but make her cry more.

 

I hurt my ex and scared her and I am suffering for it now, while she is back on her chat lines putting herself out there for MALE attention, I am on here being as honest and open with all of you. I do love her, but I do realize that I have to respect her space and if that space becomes something permanent, then I will learn to live with that too.

 

My plans (which are very loose now) is to contact her in the near future (I'm going on day 6 of NC) and to talk about exchanging our stuff. She seems to have forgotten about that, as much as she seems to have forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten about either.

 

Just know that you're not alone and be strong for YOU.

 

Dan

[amazonqueen]

Thank you, Dan.

I'm in NC right now, too. I keep hoping that it will get easier but it doesn't. I am trying to give him space. I just wish I knew what I could DO. I know NC is what everyone says...it's just so hard.

Thanks for your insights.

[GoingForIt_77]

Okay, what you could do is this: SHOW him (don't tell) that you can give him space. Even if he is trying to move on without you, he will see what you are doing and your respecting his space WILL make him FEEL that you are thinking about HIS needs, which can only pay off.

 

Now, keep this up for as long as you can. The magical thing is the longer you DO keep it up, the stronger you will become and the more he will start remembering the good stuff and MAYBE he will start missing it. This doesn't mean that HE WILL call you, or contact you, because chances are, he WON'T, BUT, if his mind starts drifting towards the good times you shared (space will do that), then he will be that much more receptive to you when YOU contact him.

[bubbles07]

Good advice goingforit

[amazonqueen]

Thank you, Goingforit. Excellent advice.

[amazonqueen]

Goingforit:

May I ask you how long you are planning on doing NC and giving your ex space before you contact her?

Michelle