Lost...need guidance

[SFG]

Hi everyone. First time I've come here...first time I've ever really done this.

 

Anyway, guess I should post what's up.

 

I met and fell in love with a girl...we've been together just over 4 months. We've talked about marriage and about the future...I was completely committed to her and enjoyed talking about that stuff. We had our bumps...mainly stupid stuff...and I had money issues that didn't allow me to do all the things for her that I wanted to do.

 

I made the normal guy mistakes...I looked at porn. What makes this mistake worse is that when she found out, I denied it at first because I was so embarrassed. I was also lazy, and I didn't remove all the reminders I had around from previous relationships (a picture here and there), and one girl just wouldn't get the message that I didn't want her in my life because I had moved on (and no, I never did anything with her, and just ignored her). These things hurt her, but she never broke up with me about them. There were things that she did that drove me crazy, but I loved her, and nothing was important enough to get mad over.

 

However, the other night, after she told me she wasn't very happy with the way things were going lately, I went home and absolutely crashed. I loved her so much and I just didn't understand why she was pulling away and wasn't enjoying me as much as I enjoyed her. At the time I was grieving, I received a phone call from my mom, who absolutely adores my girlfriend. I explained what was going on, and my mom became curious about some of the things I said, and instead of making her guess, I told her a piece of info I shouldn't have that was embarrassing to my girlfriend.

 

Later that night when my girlfriend called to try and maybe patch things up. During the conversation, I admitted to her that I told my mom that bit of info, and she got very angry and said I betrayed her trust. It was the first time I EVER vented to anyone about the things I was going through. My friends knew nothing...only the positives. She, however, always told her friends when I did something wrong. Anyway, she broke up with me and she's still very angry. She left the door open, and said if I really love her that I'd try and prove it....but that it could be a very very long time before she ever acknowledged me. She feels I betrayed her in the deepest way imaginable.

 

I admit, I should not have said anything. I've appologized countless times, but I know that's not good enough. I'm also afraid that she might shut off forever and never want me back.

 

Any advice is welcomed! I am so lost...and I love her so much.

[krnelson2]

The biggest thing here is she told you she has left the door open for you to PROVE YOURSELF...Now do it, but find out what it is she wants first. I would sit down with her and have a long talk about things and where you both think things are going. It sounds like she is willing to work things out, so take your apology and show her you are truly sorry and that you do indeed Love Her.

[Maverick32x]

hmm... The whole "prove to me you love me" is always a big red flag to me.... there should never be a reason that you need to prove anything to anyone... its not like she doesn't know who you are..... she seems to be stringing you along in that regard... however, what was the thing you told your mom about?

 

and for future refrence: don't tell your girlfriends that you tell other peoeple embarrassing things about them

 

Well, there are 2 things you can do now..... you can either embark on the trail of "forgiveness" which is potentially never ending... or you can move on......... something which at the moment is something you don't want to do it seems....

SO, that being said, I would allow things to cool off a bit... I guess it really depends on how significant of a thing you told your mom... if it was a small thing, its possible she was looking for a reason to break up with you.. and she chose this one... and you really should start trying to move on.... however, if it was a big thing... maybe you could try to get her back? I don't know really, need more info!!!

[SFG]

Well, I would love to sit down with her....but she doesn't want to see me at all. She still lives at home with her parents, and I know they'd easily kick me out if I showed up. I don't even think she'll answer my phone calls if I tried right now.

[SFG]

She may have been looking for a reason...things were building up, but she would act like everything was OK until I messed up again and unload everything I had done previously.

[GoingForIt_77]

My advice and I DO speak from experience is to give her PLENTY of space. Enter into NC. You are WAY too emotional right now for her to be able to deal with and I PROMISE if she caves in now and takes you back right away, in a week to 2 she'll be gone again at the first sight of a potential argument, because in many ways, as much as she will be wanting to avoid them, she will be looking for one, and that will be her test,

 

BUT, there is a larger test happening here and that is YOU admitting that you have hurt her and allow her to take the time to get over her hurt WITHOUT being reminded of who instilled that into her: YOU.

 

You must step back and allow her to breathe and calm down.

 

Buddy, I am in the same EXACT situation as you are. 4 months and I made mistakes with her and she is hurt and scared and cut the ties when that overuled her feelings for me, even though they were/still are there.

 

Right now my ex has created a facebook account and has added 350 people and is chatting up a storm with girls and guys and planning every night of her week and we only broke up 9 days ago.

 

I NEVER once asked her to reconsider. I went with her feelings and told her I understood. I admitted to being wrong and am seeking help now to deal with MY personal issues that came out with her. She knows I love her, but she also knows that I am not stopping her right now.

 

The key is to listen to her feelings and to also know that she is hurt and pulled back. If you keep chasing, she will pull back more and more and your task will get harder and harder. She wants you to PUSH so she can feel justified in having left you. If you pull back and agree with her decision, she will not feel as threatened by you in time, but what you need is TIME for that to take place.

 

I see nothing wrong with going back in, but that time is NOT yet.. Weeks buddy. that's what it will take. She won't foget about you. She may try hard to meet someone else as my ex MAY doing now, but if you respect her NOW, she will NOT forget about you and will focus more on the good, but just be there to remind her of it. Let your actions speak louder than your words ever could.

[lunatic]

I explained what was going on, and my mom became curious about some of the things I said, and instead of making her guess, I told her a piece of info I shouldn't have that was embarrassing to my girlfriend.

My first thought was you could have posted something like this on a website like ours here. Then again I don't know what she is so flipping mad about here. You confided in your mother about what is happening in your life. To me there is nothing wrong with that as there really is no other person in the world I would trust more than my mom.

 

I am also puzzled about why she would act the way she is because you talked to your mom about her. At least you were honest with her and are not playing games. I think your being too hard on yourself as you meant no harm by talking to someone you trust implicitly. Who else would she have rather you talked to? I mean she has her friends that SHE CAN TALK TO and you don't confide in your friends.

 

 

Later that night when my girlfriend called to try and maybe patch things up. During the conversation, I admitted to her that I told my mom that bit of info, and she got very angry and said I betrayed her trust. It was the first time I EVER vented to anyone about the things I was going through. My friends knew nothing...only the positives. She, however, always told her friends when I did something wrong. Anyway, she broke up with me and she's still very angry. She left the door open, and said if I really love her that I'd try and prove it....but that it could be a very very long time before she ever acknowledged me. She feels I betrayed her in the deepest way imaginable.

 

I admit, I should not have said anything. I've apologized countless times, but I know that's not good enough. I'm also afraid that she might shut off forever and never want me back.

 

Sorry to say this and I know you are not looking to hear this but, I think she might be looking for a way out. I think leaving the door open could mean two things here. One she really wants to punish you for talking to someone about her personal issue. Two she really has no interest in getting back with you and is only looking to make you pay for talking about her. I would watch you back here as you are entering a slippery slope and could get really hurt. I think you should try to sit down and talk to her about how you feel and let her know that you had no intentions of hurting her. You needed to talk to someone and your mom ended up being the person whom you confided in. I would also say to her that your mom is the only person you know that will not blab her secret all over Gods creation.

 

I think you might want to sit back and think about this before you go any further. I mean do you want to be with someone whom has a problem with you talking candidly with your mom? I don't know but, something to me smells fishy here.

[drum4god]

Dude,

 

I feel for you, but your girlfriend sounds pretty selfish. Its O.K. to share your faults with her girlfriends, and you share something with your Mom and she freaks out. I don't know. Don't call her. Go strict No contact. Don't call, don't appologize again. Don't beg. As hard as it is, you have to try and move on without her.

 

Don't let her put the guilt trip on you. Did you make mistakes? Sure. Are you perfect? Who is. You overlooked her faults, and why can't she overlook yours.

 

Dude, your heart is hurting, but do your best to move on. Even if she takes you back, you are going to be under her control. You don't want that.

 

Don't contact her at all. Focus on yourself, and you will see she will probably come back. Maybe not now, it might be a few months. But it will be on your terms.

 

You are alot like me, when you love someone you let things go. You always take the blame, you don't want to rock the boat, and all this does is make them lose respect for us. You need to stand up for yourself.

 

If and when you speak to her (but don't call her, stick to NC), she will probaly bring up all the things you did wrong, but don't applogize. Tell her you already did, I don't need to do it again. Don't be mushy, act a little indifferent. It will be hard, but you need to be strong. That strength will be very attractive to her. Plus you are protecting yourself.

 

Good luck.

[GoingForIt_77]

WRONG!!

 

Now is NOT the time to sit down and talk to her. She is NOT open to him now. Her defenses are up now. She will fight him off.

 

I fully agree that he should make it clear that he was wrong and acknowledges that he hurt her and then he MUST pull away as she has done with you.

 

You cannot go fight fire with fire. You WILL lose and even more than you already have.

 

For whatever reason, she felt smothered, trapped, pressured and may have gotten scared. NOW is the time to leave her alone for a bit. NO, not forever, but NOT until you have shown her what life is like without you around.

 

Respect her and yourself in the process. There is nothing wrong with reastablishing contact with her in the future, but not now. Not now because you are still very emotional and attached and she will RUN far away from you now if you try. I PROMISE that. This isn't a little fight where a flower will bring her back. She made up her mind and you need to back OFF RIGHT NOW for her to be able to see things and YOU differently.

 

That is your ONLY chance man and whatever you do, do NOT impose YOUR needs on her right now, including asking her to sit down and talk about things or making her listen to WHY you did what you did. She doesn't care. She is NOT open to you right now, so BACK off for NOW, but nor forever. Go away for a few weeks...maybe longer. IF she meets someone else in the meantime, then she does. That should not be a determining factor in making you try and speed up the process. The girl got scared. Now let her calm down!

[GoingForIt_77]

This is NOT about control, being under hers, or vice versa. She is NOT being selfish. She is hurting for other reasons and this was the hump that broke the camels back.

 

I stand by what I just wrote.

[lunatic]

Now is NOT the time to sit down and talk to her. She is NOT open to him now. Her defenses are up now. She will fight him off!

 

 

Actually, I do agree with you GFI as I did say he should sit back and think about this rationally. I agree that he should back off and give her some space. I still say something is not right here or there is more to the story then we know about.

 

I don't know but, something is off here and I cannot place my finger on it.

 

Hub

[GoingForIt_77]

You know, there is always more to the story Hub. The main thing is that he knows what happened and if he has control over his own actions and NOT hers, it's time to start acting on them and NOW is NOT the time to so searching for answers from her. Whatever she tells him now will be her clouded feelings and if she is closed now and if he tried anything now, or in the days to come, it will make matters MUCH worse.

 

I fear that he may not be strong enough to take my advice right now. The mere fact that he is not responding to his own thread as fast as I would when in distress shows me that he may have already tried to contact her since having first posted. Just a gut instinct based on past experiences.

 

I am a proponent for re-establishing contact, but only after you have taken the necessary time to get stronger and no matter what the outcome of your contact will be, you will be able to handle it.

 

For the most part, dumpers do NOT contact the dumpee and you decrease your chances even more of that happening if you continue to chase them.

 

You must BACK off completely for as long as you humanly can. Make contact again, when your head is in charge and NOT your heart.

[kellbell]

Hey there and welcome to eNotAlone.

 

So far you have received wonderful advice. I believe your girlfriend's actions are bit selfish and controlling. I too, feel your girlfriend is looking for a way out. How can it be fair she is able to air your relationship's dirty laundry to her girlfriends but when you confide in your MOTHER during your darkest hour, she feels betrayed? Why the double standard?

 

I suppose you have two options...

 

1. Let matters cool off for a while and talk to her face to face about what happened. I would really point out how hypocritical her actions are. And see where that goes.

 

2. Cut her off completely and heal on your own.

 

I am sorry things have been hard. Hang around here, there is a ton of support here.

[SFG]

Yeah...I can see where all of you are coming from. I did ask her if she would be looking around, and she told me no and that she doesn't jump from relationship to relationship. I just don't know how long to wait. Meanwhile, she still has her myspace profile set to "in a relationship" with all the pics of me and stuff still up. She is playing the blog game, and changing her headlines and songs to reflect what has happened. At first I started playing that game, but I backed off that...yet I don't want her to feel like I've given up, which she feels is something I'm going to do.

 

Essentially, when I do make contact, I don't even know what to say. I don't know if I should pull at her heart strings and make her remember all the good times we had? Or to explain myself further and bring up that whole thing about confiding with my mom was the most trusted way for me to release?

 

I am an animator by trade, and I thought of making her a short film. BUT, I just don't know if that's smart as well.

 

I don't know if she was leaving the door open to hurt me back. I don't think she was. I do know that she is doing whatever she can to turn the people she cares about against me. I know she has now told her mom that I told my mom the secret...and I'm sure her mom spits on my name now.

 

She also plays in a band...and they have a show coming up. I told her that I'd never miss a show...but I don't know if I should go or not.

 

As far as what I told my mom...I do not want to ever speak of it again. I learned my lesson. But really, the depth of it was equal to that of a personal level that if gotten out could change the way people view her. The thing she fails to realize is how much my mom loves her. My mom was hearing wedding bells...

[GoingForIt_77]

You would tell her how hypocritical her actions were????? Are you serious???

 

WRONG again. It's amazing how some people have NO idea what it takes to get back their ex and what is the worst possible things you can do to assure you that they NEVER come back..

 

If you call her a hypocrite, kiss all chances of her ever so much as talking to you ever again.

 

Don't you guys get it??? Her having left him had nothing to do with him having spoken to his mother. There were more issues which have been outlined. He has to get stronger now, because he is far from strong and is WAY too dependent on her for his own happiness now. She doesn't see him as a man. She looks down on him. She lost respect for him. He has to start respecting himself and HER and he won't do that by starting more arguments with her, as to how wrong SHE was....LOL...

[GoingForIt_77]

Don't make her a film. Don't try and bribe her with anything. Let her be for now. Don't ask her if she will be with another guy now...

 

I FINALLY figured out WHY she left you. You are INSECURE man and she KNOWS it and she is running from that. She has lost respect for you and sees that you cannot cope without her and that is a HUGE turnoff for a woman..

 

Give her space NOW, do NOTHING and prove her wrong. Show her for as long as you can that you CAN do without her even if you love her. That is your only hope of finding YOU and getting HER back as a result of having done so.

[lunatic]

She also plays in a band...and they have a show coming up. I told her that I'd never miss a show...but I don't know if I should go or not.

 

Thats a BIG NO!!

[kellbell]

Hey there,

 

Since she is mad at you, I would wait for her to contact you. Let her cool off. I would not do anything over the top as yet. The movie and whatnot is a bit much and try not to take this the wrong way...but it could be perceived as "sucking up" and no one respects that. It would look desperate and she will see right through the whole gesture.

 

You did nothing wrong IMO, you confided in your mom because you were hurt, lost, and she happened to call you at the right time. So doing anything special like making a movie for her would show that you are apologizing for something quite frankly you should not be apologizing over. As far as going to her show, that is up to you. Perhaps go to keep your word, but let her not see you.

 

You are hurting too and she need to realize that. Like I mentioned, let the air cool a bit, have some time to get your wits about you, to gather your thoughts and perhaps discuss things over coffee within the next few days or so. But I would WAIT for her to contact you. She has not changed her profile on mySpace and still have your photos up...that is a good sign.

[Maverick32x]

GoingForIt, you are making ALOT of assumptions!!!! Be careful with trying to analysis past what the OP is stating.......

On topic I do agree with what alot of what you are saying about stayig away... alot of the advice in this topic is very good..... I highly suggest you take it

[SFG]

There is definitely much more to the story. Part of that is the secret itself. Let's just say that she potentially has a distorted view on reality.

 

However, she is also a very jealous girl. We could be walking through the city, and I turn my head seeing something moving out of the corner of my eye. God help me if it was a woman, because she would lash out of me claiming I was checking her out.

 

Many of her friends (all who never met me) have turned on me a while back when I had a bad day. She likes to be treated like a lady, and to have doors held open for her. Well, apparently I am doing it wrong anyway...but one day I didn't get all the doors I could have, and she dropped some books and I couldn't get to it fast enough to help her out and she got angry. Apparently that was enough for people to say she deserves better.

 

She told me that my money matters don't make things any better because she likes to be treated like she's special. I've drawn her pictures, and bought her frames with pics of us, and I got her some awesome stuff on christmas that brought her to tears because she said they were the most thoughtful gifts she's ever gotten. I've never let her pay for a thing when we go out. YET, she claims I need to do more for her.

 

Her best friend, who gets along with me fine, doesn't like going out with me when we all go out. She's the jealous type and wants my girlfriend's attention all the time. SO, when we all go out, she clams up...and honestly, the bar scene has never been my thing, but hell, I do it for her. Well, now she doesn't want me to go out with them because I bring down the group....which is NOT my problem since her friend is the one causing the problems. WELL...after a stupid fight about going out to another bar the other night I decided to drive 40 minutes there to show up and make up to her this romantic way. I did it, and ended up waiting for her in the bar to show up for about 2 hours. When she did, I did my thing, and she cried she was so happy. But, her friend clammed up and the rest of the night I was the dog again. I even told her I was leaving to make things better, but she told me to stay and we'll try to make it better. It didn't get better, and I got the blame for that too. The next day I planned on making it up to her by cooking her dinner...she wanted to get together around 6. I spent the whole day drawing her a picture, and cleaning up. I called her at 5:45 and asked if she was ready for me to pick her up. She said yes and I asked her what she wanted for dinner. She lashed out AGAIN, and said I should have had dinner ready already. That I needed to take initiative, when I just thought we were going to be together and I'd cook it for her while she was here.

 

To make that whole situation worse...a few days later she comes over (the day before we broke up) with that exact friend and cooked dinner for us using my place. She spent 50 bucks she didn't have at the store to do it...all this was unknown to me until after. Then she proceeded to rub that in my face and say that I should have offered to pay for it...but I don't have that kind of money....I was just so screwed no matter what I did. I never asked her to go and buy all that food.

[GoingForIt_77]

I am making my assumptions based on what he doesn't realize he is saying.

 

Him wanting to make her a film NOW, is the wrong thing to do..

 

He is insecure and that is clear. Guess what? So am I and the fact is, our gf's can only take so much of that.

 

They don't want a boy who will fall apart if they are NOT around. They want a man who recognizes his own self-worth and is willing to walk away if he must.

 

What he must do now is FORCE himself to give her space. I did not say NEVER to contact her again, because if he loves her, he will have to, because she won't.

 

His actions must be geared towards proving to himself that HE is worth it and that he won't fall apart now. She needs him to be strong and NOT fall apart. She will run further away and the feel justified in doing so..

 

Don't show her that you are worried that she will meet someone else. You are just showing her who little you think of yourself (I know because I've done it plenty). Accept her present decision and do NOT try and defend you actions, or try and change her mind. Let her breathe and let her see that you can and will survive for the time being without her love. It's your only chance.

 

My advice is to really look at yourself and ask yourself if you are STRONG and INDEPENDENT and YOUR happiness is dependent on NO ONE, but YOU. When you can get to that point, give her a call..

[SFG]

I should also clarify, that the potential distortion on reality is a clinical case...not my opinion.

[lunatic]

SFG RUN FOR THE HILLS!

 

This one is NOT for you and it is better off that things end now! She sounds to me a bit selfish and greedy. Who the hell needs that in their life?

[GoingForIt_77]

As long as you are focussing on pointing out her faults now I say don't even bother contacting her for longer than I thought you originally should.

 

If you hold a grudge and resentment, it will come out when in contact with her. If you are insecure and try and make it better, that will also come out.

 

You have to be aloof, vague, indifferent and emotionally detached and lose the anger and hurt. I don't think you're ready to do that, so if you go in now with that, you will seal your fate with her forever. I promise you that.

[GoingForIt_77]

Hub, he is saying these things now because he is hurt and angry. It's not up to you or anyone else to tell him to run for the hills and call her selfish. She has done what she had to do for herself at the time and I'm sure she had her reasons.

 

 

We are dealing with someone who is emotional and hurt now and it's normal for him to want to paint her out to be a #@!@!#. It shows he still loves her.

 

I can bad mouth my ex and call her insincere for creating a profile days after breaking it off with me. I can utter the worst, but she is just taking care of herself now and he must do the same.