Man this hurts and I cannot do NC, I know it!

[need2bme]

NC frightens the hell out of me. We were together for 13.5 years. What am I to do when I can no longer speak with her. I am going to go crazy, I know it.

 

I am sitting in my apartment for the very last time, I know. I am here to get all my stuff on a moving truck.

 

Last weekend, she was acting as if there was a chance. Now, she is so far away and every time I tell her that she can keep something, she doesn't want it. It is like she wants everything out of the apartment that has to do with me.

 

She treated me like there might be a chance. Now all she is doing is pushing me away. It is as if she cannot wait for me to leave now.

 

She had told me she has never felt like she belonged, ANYWHERE! That is why she never decorated any house (funny thing is that she is decorating this place now. In that other room, the bathroom looks beautiful, so does ours. She never kept it like this before.) Maybe I should just be happy for her.

 

Friday night was terrible. She said it doesn't matter what is in the room. She said we are through and we are not together anymore. All I can think about is that guy will be here tonight probably to comfort her and I will be on a plane getting to go to work late, with my heart breaking.

 

Last weekend, I told her that at least she had someone to go through this with, to which she replied, "yes, I have you, to go through this with". What does that mean? Why say it?

 

Now what am I supposed to do? How do I say goodbye later? Am I supposed to just hug her and tell her I will always be there and always love her? Or, am I just going to tell her whatever, and thanks for hurting me?

 

Whatever I choose, it is going to kill my heart...

[GottaLetItBurn]

It's going to hurt, and it's not going to go away for quite some time. I think it would just be better to move straight on. No calls, no checking up, no nothing.

 

You will just wish you didn't later. It hurts like hell, you don't know how your going to survive anymore. You just have to keep going without her.

 

I hope you can get some better responces than mine. There are a lot of people on here that can give you some solid advice on how to go about it. For me, the girl I can't seem to get over went back to her ex over me in August 2005. I'm "alright" today, but it still gets to me when I think about it.

 

So it could be a longer road for you if you keep in touch.

[Dako]

I'm so sorry you've been hit so hard.

 

You know the stages about healing from a heavy loss. You have to go through them, let time pass and reach a point where you look forward instead of back.

Accepting that it's over and ending contact are difficult, but they'll put you into a healing mode right now. Trying to repair things or find solutions will just delay your entry into months of healing.

Take care of your health and kep warm and well-fed, because you'll feel bad enough without getting sick in this cold weather.

 

PLease lean on friends and let them help you wander through the early stages. After all, you'd do it for them.

 

Keep moving and keep us posted.

[emma34]

Sounds like a tough breakup, I definitely feel for you. Maybe by the "going through it with you" she meant that you can support each other in moving on. If you can get to a place where you get along, but no your not right for eachother, you can use the other person as a support...because they are kind of going through the same thing, she understands to an extent how hard it is for you, and probably feels terrible for hurting you. I stay go for the "let's keep in touch. Good luck to you" approach to saying goodbye.

 

Use your friends/family for support. There is lots of literature on going through a loss like this as well. Try not to dwell on her or the relationship right now...because only time can heal the heartache.

[blender]

I am so sorry you are hurting.... ugh..thirteen years.. well, I guess the most self empowering thing you can do is to "accept" her choice. It's in the "resistance" that can cause us that "extra, prolonged" heartache... and this "resistance' can also "blur" the emotional responsibility the ex "should" feel for thier choice.. not blame or guilt, but "emotional responsiblity for thier choice".

 

As difficult as it is, the one way to let go with love, and to feel "good" about it afterwards is to respond to them directly using their choice for ending the relationship..this makes them "emotionally responsible" instead of "ego/emotionally defensive".

 

As an example, my last break up hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew I had to mourn the loss of what I "hoped and thought it would be" and instead have the courage to be in acceptance of what the relationship "was actually becoming"... so when my ex said those horrible words of wanting, time, space, loves me, but not sure if he was 'in love' with me.. I said the following, and although I cried for months afterwards, I took comfort in the loving intergrity I chose in response to him.. and knew that I could take the time after leaving to heal, instead of "begging, trying to convince, or hanging onto the inevitable, "let's be friends"....

 

I've posted this before, but it was something like this..

 

Well, you've clearly made a choice, you're feelings regarding us have changed and I'm sorry you feel that way. Naturally I'm hurt and disappointed because I love and care about you. But after hearing what YOU clearly have decided, then it's best for me to take some time on my own as well too, I'm sure you understand that this is my self respecting response to what YOU want. So please allow me the same respect and only contact me IF you discover that you are willing to make an intentional loving effort to work on this relationship again. Otherwise it's best that we no have no contact for now.. I wish you happiness.

[need2bme]

So, it is over. The saddest, most unbearable day of my life. What an ending to what I thought might be a relationship to rebuild. Who else has the time like we do, when it is good?

 

When it was all done, I watched the guys finish with everything and then drive away with all my belongings, knowing that I will never again see her in the capacity I want to. In that truck was great sadness, because it housed all the belongings I once worried about or obtaining, instead of worrying about she and I. Also in that truck, is the bed I have not been able to sleep on for more than 3 days at a time, in more than a year now. It will now be in my new place, where I can roll over and she will not be there.

 

I don't get this and for a split second, even though I am thankful for this job and the benefits it brings, I was very close to calling my job (yes, I know what I am about to write is childish) tell them this was it and I was not coming back, telling the ex she could keep the stuff or maybe sell it, pack up my stuff and just go and hide. I never felt so used, confused or hurt, more than I did tonight.

 

When she dropped me off at the airport, she actually kissed me, told me she loved me and would miss me, hugged me tightly and then we kissed again. She then got in the car and gave me the sign language for "I love you". Why? Was there a need for that?

 

The saddest part is that she is in a hotel sleeping and I am at work. Well, what can I say? I had many chances to make it right and I chose to get mad or blame others for my own shortcomings.

 

One thing is for sure, this is a great time if I can use it, for introspection and learning what I really want from life. I can also now figure out what life and love and the love of life is about.

 

But, for right now, it just feels like my life has ended as I know it....

 

Thanks for the replies and I will be back to answer them....

[Dako]

A very moving post.

Anyone who's been through such a time could feel your sadness.

Please be gentle with yourself and have faith that you'll someday feel love again. All is not over, just a big chapter.

[need2bme]

I just realized that I had printed out some advice someone on here had given me about she and I and left it on the counter bar.

 

I couldn't leave it there for him to find, so I called her and told her about it. I asked her not to read it and she promised. I told her that I had the decency to tell her and I hoped she would not read it, so that is why she promised. She is not nosy, so I believe her.

 

I cannot believe I did that, but I was just trying to get some relief...

[Dako]

In your condition, you shouldn't be embarrassed by anything at all.

You actually seem to be handling this well, considering.

[Daddy Bear]

Her mixed signals, however well-meaning they may be, are not healthy for you. Clearly, at this time you need to be able to start looking forward to the future, and her confusing and contradictory statements are helping to keep you rooted to the spot.

 

My one bit of advice: don't be sad - be PISSED. (Think about it.)

 

Good luck, need2bme. Keep us up on your progress through this very rough patch of road.

[need2bme]

So, I get to wake up this morning in the new place, sleeping on the floor. I wake up, take a look around and curl into a ball. What an awful way to start the day.

 

I need to work now, or I will be in a world of hurt, with no job...

[need2bme]

The panic attacks suck. How can I start believing she is really gone? How is this the same woman I thought I was over just 2 months ago? Seeing her, brought back every feeling in my soul.

 

Maybe time will be my friend this time. She said we should take "baby steps" for friends. I cannot even take a step, right now.

[blender]

Well, I can really feel your sadness, I've been there too...never really thought I could completely let go, even of my heartbreak, I hung on to that "feeling" for a long time too..probably too long..

 

Right now the ONLY thing you can expect from yourself is to take time to feel all your feelings, and grieve the loss of what you 'Hoped could be" with her, and to "accept" that all your "hopes' are still alive for YOU and for YOUR life.. you will love again.. you will.. right now, your sadness "feels" like walking through emotional cement.. but keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you'll get stronger..

 

In time these sad feelings will be alleviated through "no contact" and making an active choice to do your best at your job, taking your energy back for YOURSELF, renovate your place so it's YOURS for YOU.. make it great, fantastic, a reflection of who YOU are, and celebrate the start of the newness and independence of your life, the wonderful things that are ahead for you, taking all you have learned about yourself into the exciting things that await you...

 

Remember looking too long in the rearveiw mirror only causes us to emotionally crash over and over again, instead grab the steering wheel of your life, look straight ahead, and be willing to enjoy, and embrace the wonderful adventures along the path... you are going to be fine, even better.

[ColdWinterForest]

That's pretty rough.

 

I also got the cold shoulder like that. It is pretty surreal to experience because you were always under the impression that you "meant" something to that person. I think that they act that way in order to protect themselves. They may come off really cold, but it is only to protect themselves emotionally. And at this point in time, you have to do the same thing... unfortunately... so I would advise you to go into a state of no contact. It seems impossible, I know, and it will take a while, but someday you will adapt to a life without her, as hard as it may sound.

[need2bme]

Adapting to a life without her? I sometimes still refer to her as my GF and instinctively put her on my life insurance and emergency contact form at the new job.

 

I still do not even know how to think. I still feel like we are a single entity. Plus, the real sad part is that all I will want to do is call her when I hear a good song or see something funny.

 

There is a concert coming to the city where I work, that we saw once for her birthday. It is an artist that quite a few girls go see, but I like his music too. I asked her if she wanted to go, a few days ago. She replied, "I don't know". "What am I going to tell his name"?

 

Well, his name was not there for her family and not there when she needed major help and not there when she needed to cry about her issues and not there with anything else and now, he might get hurt????

 

I don't want anyone to feel the way I do or did, but she cannot hurt him, but stop in the middle of flirting or being with me and tell me all about him. Is that not supposed to hurt me? Yeah, I know, before anyone flames me, I did look for all the wrong things and practically beg her to answer questions that would hurt me.

 

I just thought that was so callous, even if it was the truth. I don't want to be second best to anyone, so why even fight for her? Besides, I am tired of reading into stuff.

 

I am tired of all this anyway. I cannot even bring myself to go to the grocery store.

 

The worst part is, I thought I was getting over her, but she started calling me last month and then I saw her and then I thought it might all work. She started telling me about him and that she had not been totally truthful with me and I was still like a puppy dog.

 

Where is my self repect? This feels almost just like square 1 and half the time I feel anxious and the rest of the time, I just want to throw up.

 

I cannot believe there is some other guy in my home. Maybe that is what is getting to me. Really, I am just angry she couldn't even give us a chance AND I think I am really mad that it is something I couldn't make work.

 

She just seemed to push and pull so much and I was grasping for crumbs so badly...

[need2bme]

Wanna read something really lame? When I finally knew I would get to see her, I was going to show off my weight loss and new body and try and seduce her and make her laugh and tell her how great and sexy she was and that is what I did.

 

The saddest part is that on the last weekend I went, when I knew it was all over, I downloaded the English translation of a song that we listened to and expressed how I felt completely and wrote a really nice note on the back. It was about the size of a bookmark and something she could carry with her. I put on the tightest shirt I could find and pushed up the sleeves to show off my arms. I made sure the hair was right and everything.

 

All so she could show up and not even care. I still don't know how she could go from totally wanting to be with me, just days before, to totally erasing me. Funny how things change.

 

Sadly, I can see how she wants to keep me around and that is not fair to me and I told her in an email that I cannot do that. I need to respect her feelings to make a new life without me.

 

Besides, if I don't fix what is wrong with me, I am afraid I will repeat the same mistakes.

[need2bme]

Here goes the waking up, falling asleep again, then waking up again routine, all over again.

 

I was feeling so much better before. This is REALLY a setback.

 

Do you ever hope that an ex can feel the pain you are feeling? I do and then I remind myself that I only want what is best for her.

 

As much as this hurts, I still feel bad for all the pain I caused her. I cannot let go and forgive myself. Can you imagine how alone she must have felt and how low she must have felt.

 

All I can ever do, if I get the chance, is to show her how much she means to me. Right now though, I have to be in NC.

[need2bme]

I think what really hurts the most is feeling like there is no tomorrow. I feel like I cannot let go. I cannot surrender. I wonder if it is because I feel like a failure.

 

I did spend SO MUCH time with her. It is hard to believe that we have spent a year almost, not waking up next to each other. I hate myself all the time, for not getting closer when I could.

 

My subconscious must have been telling me to stay away, because I never tried to find a job closer to her. What if I had? She would not have been seeing him. I know this.

 

EVERY single time we broke up before, SHE ALWAYS found her way home. Yes, I know we never corrected anything AND things ALWAYS went back to the way they were. I can see that. But, NEITHER one of us tried to change. I am changing so much now and she will never see it, nor let herself see it.

 

See? That is also the problem. Instead of leaving the past in the past and possibly recognizing that I am trying, she only sees what happened in the past. Maybe that is how we are all made up. Maybe it is an automatic physiological response which PROVES, beyond a shadow of a doubt that ACTIONS speak louder than words.

 

We were moving around the stuff in the garage and going through it, I was AMAZED at how she was being so detached and cold. I was ready to ball my eyes out. She made some non-caring comment about something and I just walked away shaking my head.

 

She said, "why are you shaking your head now?". Of course I played it off, replying, "it is my neck, remember?" (I had hurt it earlier). I then proceeded to go over to her and ask her what was wrong, like it was her fault. That is manipulative and wrong and ACTIOS spoke LOUDER than words. She was correct, I WAS shaking my head and it WAS NOT about my neck.

 

See, even though I think I am learning, it still comes out. I am going to try and start meditating, so I can think better thoughts than just thinking everything is an atteck or reading into everything.

 

I also slept on the couch again and was trying to seduce her. See, again, acions telling her I don't care and she is an object. I swear before God that if I get another chance, I will make it right.

 

Right now though, I am angry that she couldn't tell me the truth. I am also angry that she could move in with someone so soon. I know for her, she has been ready to get out, far before she did. I also know that everything I can say she did, or blame on her, I know I took a hand in causing.

 

The one thing I don't get though, is that if she had been looking to leave for so long, then why not just go? Why break up with me, come by my apartment and want to see me, come and see me more and more and then, ultimately, want me to move to her new condo?

 

See, part of me wants to think that she stayed around for all the help. I helped her with alot. She got through alot with my help. I don't want her to bend over and thank me, but I just find it strange that she did not leave until AFTER I had helped her with her place, renting and selling it.

 

See, that is how things creep into my mind. She did mention that she may not have left me, had we not fought on her birthday, last year.

 

I will say again though, if I had gotten back down to where she was and found a job there, she might have made it work, or at least known I cared...

 

I know I have ben using this as a journal and I will be back. Hope noone minds...

[blender]

God, I can feel your heartache, but please know that everything is exactly as it should be in this moment, FATE is nudging you onto a new path, one that will be full of adventure, love, excitement, newness and you will bring with you all the lessons learned.

 

Breathe, forgive yourself for whatever you think you did that caused any of this.. you tried, you were there for her, it didn't work out, and there's no "blame"... just lessons... I'm so sorry you are hurting.. I really know how you feel... breathe... and remember you are powerless over her, you can only take care of YOU..

 

I know what it's like to lose a long term relationship... it's so painful, but if BOTH people are not willing to make the loving effort to work on it..then you must let go with love.. I've been there, and it was the toughest time I've ever been through..and at times I still can feel the "heartache"... but it's a choice to stay stuck in it.. it really is... just feel all you are feeling and keep writing it out here, it's theraputic and you are helping others as well...

 

Wonderful things are ahead for you.. they just are...

[SuperDave71]

If I could reach out thru this monitor...thru the cables and crawl out of your monitor....I would hug you man! I really would. What I just read just brought tears to my eyes because I can STILL feel the exact same thing you are right now. I have gotten thru my pain...but what I read sounded soooo much like me.

 

 

I wish you the best...I mean that with all that I am. You stand up tall and hold your chin up. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!

 

 

YOU MY FRIEND ARE A TREASURE!!!

 

STAY STRONG !!!!

 

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[ColdWinterForest]

Just remember... all of these feelings are natural.

 

I also felt them in the initial stages of my own breakup. You need to let her go and focus on your own life from now on... It sounds hard, I know, but from what you have said it sounds like she wants you out of her life.... She is being cold because she probably has some lingering feelings for you (after all, you were together for a very long time), but from the looks of it... I don't think she wants you around anymore. The person I was with treated me the same way after we broke up.... she was very cold and detached. It was as if she was a completely different person.

 

In any case, like I said earlier, you will adapt... I mean, it may take a very long time and it is going to hurt for a while, but someday you will be able to live without her. You have to focus on yourself now... Just think of it as a new chance to reinvent yourself in anyway you choose. Yeah, she may not be able to see the "new you," but someone else will.

[need2bme]

Blender: As usual, you give great advice. I love your comment that FATE is nudging me. Tht makes sense. Also, does it really make sense for me to try and make heads or tails out of what she is thinking? The more I try, the more I just dwell in it. Besides, is it really important to know why she did something? Isn't it more important to know that it IS happening? I appreciate your insight and it is all a choice really, isn't it?

 

SuperDave: I will take that hug now dude. That don't make me less of a mna now, does it? You ought to have an 900 number where you could make some serious money off of counseling all of us who either want our ex back or want to commit NC suicide. ;-) Love ya man!

[need2bme]

ColdWinterForest: How true. The "new" me for someone else. I can learn about me and the past and not be doomed to repeat bad behavior.

 

I sometimes wish I could have shown her the new me, but she is not allowing it. She is holding on to the me from before and won't let go of the pain either. In that respect, we are both the same. It is funny, because she preaches of how I need to be happy and yet holds on to so much anomosity towards me.

[need2bme]

So, here I am again, about to get off work and go to the storage place to get some dishes. How odd that just at the end of 2005, I was sitting in my place with my then GF, wondering where we were heading to.

 

After going through some stuff in my head, I am thinking we would have had a difficult time putting the bad feelings away. I believe that she STILL cannot let a lot of it go. My returning to the couch when I made her mad, made her relive some of that and I think actually made her more sad, if that could be.

 

We are supposed to be able to forgive. We have been forgiven and are supposed to forgive, in order to accept that gift. I held on to so much. I cannot forgive myself for anything I did. I know I made her feel small, unwanted and like she didn't belong. I will never forgive myself.

 

Maybe I can honor her and what we had, by refusing to EVER treat anyone else that way. Right?

 

I miss her, but I know I miss the "old" her.

 

I can remember having to hide. I can remember that we had to hide "us" at work, no PDAs (even recently), nothing in front of her dad, being hushed and so on. How was I supposed to feel love?

 

I saw my couselor today, for the first time in what seems like forever. It was nice seeing a familiar face again. Change has always frightened me.

 

My counselor is trying to get me to look at things differently and reminds me to like myself, by telling me that perfect people aren't really much fun anyway.

[need2bme]

So, does anyone else feel like they must do penance for the hurt they caused the ex?

 

I was thinking that for every thing I might tell her or email that I felt or she did, I bet she could have just as many for me.

 

That is helping me understand. It is also the reason I feel I need the penance. Noone deserves to be hurt...