Guys pulling away when they get too close

[ladeedah]

Is it normal for a guy to pull away a bit when he feels things are getting too close or intense for him and than when he calms down he returns? This guy I like and I'm pretty sure he likes me. We see each other weekly at work and sometimes we do stuff together and I find that when it seems like we are getting closer, he takes a bit of a cooling off period where he is not as eager to be around me and than after he comes back and things pick up where they left off. I don't think he is playing games and I don't get "unfriendly" vibes,more like I need a bit of space. Is this normal?

[cc2006]

Well to be honest it is absolutely normal for ME. I do it all the time, and am not sure why, really.

 

There is no thought behind it when I pull away. I don't wake up and think "hmm, I should pull away today" or anything ... it just automatically happens if things are moving 'too fast' for me or I feel like I'm giving so much in a relationship I'm in danger of being taken advantage of.

 

Not ALL guys are like this, but I know I am, and I'm sure many others are.

[annie24]

i think it is weird if he is pulling away before he even started dating you! yes, guys do tend to take some personal time, pull away, and then come back again... usually, if you give them some space, or when you do contact them, it is light conversation, nothing heavy or relationshippy, they come back if they like you... but I think it's really strange if you haven't even started dating and he's already pulling away. it seems like he is unsure if he wants to date you or not....

[musicguy]

I'm the kind of guy that doesn't pull away, I dunno, I've always been that way

[AntiLove_SuperStar]

Well, my boyfriend doesnt.

 

I do, though. I don't have an explanation either!

[charley]

I've done that before: pulled back, thought things over, and then come back ready to become closer after some introspection.

 

And I don't think it strange that he might do that prior to starting to date. I've done that before too. In fact, that's when I'm most likely to do it. For two reasons, one is that I've been rather shy, at least until recently. Shy people are notorious for that behavior. It's just like when a cat is friendly, wants to be petted, then gets shy or spooked and backs away, but then calms down and comes back for some more attention in a while. It's not an intentional game. It's shyness, fear, and a process of overcoming it in steps.

 

I've also done this when I wasn't sure how much I liked a woman and I needed to take time to think about it. That isn't shyness. That's different.

 

I've done this when I was nuts, crazy, head over heals for her and just got scared. That was defineately shyness.

 

I think maybe he's shy. I'd say that maybe he wasn't sure how interested he is, except that's only likely to make a guy back off once. Shyness can make a guy back off, come back off, and do this over and over, but if you make a bit more progress each time, then that's progress.

 

It's also possible that it's something else that I have no idea of. I know a woman who does that with her BF, but it wasn't shyness. It was because she'd consider getting back with her X husband because he wanted to and when her X started sweet talking her, she'd back away from her BF. Then she'd decide the X was history and come back to her BF. Then later she'd repeat this whole process over again. Not shyness at all, but similar outward indicators.

 

What all these various possible sources of backing away have in common is indecision and inner turmoil. I think the first two examples are harmless. The last is bad news.

[ladeedah]

Thanks for your replies.I think Charley really hit the mark b/c we have known each other for a long time and I know he is not a shy guy but around me he is.We've slowly been upping the friendship like a couple of weeks ago i invited him to a party I made and although he had fun he was pretty distant to me (well, my family was there as well) and also when I saw him later that week but this week he seemed extra friendly and asked me to help him collate some papers with him at work. I feel as long as I am patient for now and let him take his breaks, he comes back better for it. Hope he eventally asks me out!

[real2]

When I pull back from a girl, its usually because she is giving easy signals of attraction, but she is not what Im looking for.

 

There is a space for friendship, but there there is the intimate space aswell. I personally know that sometimes I send the wrong signals to girls who are attracted to me.

[charley]

When I pull back from a girl, its usually because she is giving easy signals of attraction, but she is not what Im looking for.

 

There is a space for friendship, but there there is the intimate space aswell. I personally know that sometimes I send the wrong signals to girls who are attracted to me.

 

Well, not being interested is another possibility and I've also pulled back for that reason too. However, when I backed off due to not being interested, I didn't come back at all, or if I did, I came back being less close and remaining less close.

 

When I backed off due to being interested but shy, then I came back a bit closer and more interested each time. So I think you can tell the difference.

 

Geeze, I'm a complicated, confusing individual, aren't I? I must drive women nuts.

 

I think this guy is into you, but shy. I sense that based on your description.

[TheRedQueen]

Some people feel suffocated by too much intimacy, this then leads to them needing some occasional space.

 

I myself partake in this push and pull cycle. Afterall, absense does make the heart grow fonder.

[charley]

Some people feel suffocated by too much intimacy, this then leads to them needing some occasional space.

 

I myself partake in this push and pull cycle. Afterall, absense does make the heart grow fonder.

 

I don't think she's suffocating him. He's the one who inititates many of the contacts with her. So I still think he's shy, but into her.

 

However, I do understand what you're saying RedQueen.

[robowarrior]

Its actually the guy who doesn't want to scare you away. Consider yourself as a guy for a moment and see it from his point of view. Nowadays if a guy goes too fast, the girl will think ' oh he's only interested in sex' if a guy would moan over the phone everyone would go 'omg pervert' but when a girl moans over the phone you'd have to pay 1$ a minute for it. So as you can see, a guys actions often can go unappreciated, which is why guys take a safe distance to first perceive if its alright to intrude into this girls life.