No Contact? Really?

[anonyme]

So I've decided that I pretty much have to break up with my girlfriend (see "How To Tell Her? (Long Because It Has To Be)"). But do I really have to break off all contact? She's more or less my best friend, too, and it would suck not to have her to talk to every day. It just seems like the No Contact rule would be making the old saying that relationships ruin friendships a self-fulfilling prophecy, no? Is it better in the long run, or something? How would I even make her see that? How do I make myself see that?

[Ellie2006]

Hey there,

How about seeing it this way? As the dumpee, she may be inclined to get her hopes up if you continue to contact her, which may end up hurting her more in the end.

So how about giving her the time and space to heal her heart and if you guys are meant to be friends, you guys can agree to salvage the friendship at a later date.

 

What do you think?

[Melis]

I agree with Ellie! Shes going to be hurt and the worst thing for anyone to hear is "I hope we can be friends." Its better to break up, and let her have her space. She will eventually heal, and move on, and then she may want that friendship. You would only be ruining your chance at a friendship if you keep contact in the beginning. If she needs you, be there, but dont make any extra effort to keep in contact with her, you will only be getting her hopes up!

[anonyme]

Good stuff, guys. And myself? How do I cope with losing such a good friend? How do I cope with knowingly hurting somebody I care about? With being the "bad guy"?

 

Most of all, how do I make sure that I don't regret this sometime later?

[Ellie2006]

Hi Anonyme,

 

IMHO, NC is not only beneficial for her but for you as well -- the questions you raise above, perhaps, can be addressed during NC? In other words, with the space and time afforded by NC, you can ask yourself if you do wish to remain friends w/ her (after you both heal) as well as deal w/ the guilt you feel over hurting her?

 

Just *my* opinion but I think if you do remain in contact w/ her, your guilt may be compounded as you witness to what extent you have hurt her ...

 

Re: regret: well, everyone, IMO, at one point or another, second guess their decision to breakup. BUT once you do (make your decision to breakup), please do not confuse your ex even further by flip-flopping on her. If you are unsure, think about what you want very carefully BEFORE you initiate the breakup.

 

Just my two cents.

 

Good luck.

[renaissancewoman101]

I wouldn't say break off ALL contact, esp if you guys were friends from the beginning. That would hurt both you and her unnecessarily. I would say break up with her, but help her thorough this time because it is going to be sad and painful for her, esp since you guys were good friends.

 

I would hate to see a good, long-term friendship go up in smoke along with a failed relationship.

[Siriana]

You need to, otherwise you'll be giving her false hopes, and she'll deal with that harder than you dealing with loosing a friend in her.

Go out, do stuff, occupie yourself and it will be easier.

[littlemsred]

Having read your other post on this, I don't think you have the right to decide that you're ending the romantic relationship AND that your friendship with her will continue. It's your decision to end the romantic relationship, you should let her make the decision whether the friendship continues or not.

 

If you do remain in contact with her, you need to be careful not to mislead her into thinking that there is a chance of reconciliation. You can't allow her to misunderstand your intentions because it makes you uncomfortable to make them clear to her, doing that will only lead to further heartache. Non-contact is advisable to allow her time to accept that the romantic relationship is over, and you'll have to be patient enough to see if you can still be friends.

[renaissancewoman101]

I really hate it when people constantly go on the warpath and tout that "NC is the way". You are breaking up with her and causing her pain and loss from the breakup. You guys had a good friendship BEFORE you guys started dating. Why toss out the baby with the bath water.

 

If you are a GOOD friend to her and you care about her, when you do dump her, don't leave her out in the cold where she is dazed and in pain from the breakup. Look at this site, there are so many people who come on here dazed and in pain wondering why their SO just dumped them out of the blue and left them for dead. No wonder friendships dont happen after a breakup. That is just cruel to dump someone and leave them for dead, esp someone you were good friends with.

 

Have some compassion for the person. If you're gonna dump them and they are in pain and need you, be there for them somewhat as a friend.