Porn.....WHY?????

[pregnantkitty_1985]

My guy claims that he doesn't look at porn or want porn, and gave away the 3 tapes he had to a friend when we first started dating. He's rarely ever on the computer but when he is, everything's deleted. Hmmm. After reading what Doyathink said I am a bit suspicious. Though he is nosy and looks at what sites I've been on so maybe that's why everything's deleted. When he is on the computer, it's not like he has enough time to go masturbate or anything, or enough time to close off the screens before I enter the room, so I think he's probably not, but, ya never know. If I wasn't around I'm sure it would be a temptation.

 

I'm not anti-porn nor a prude, but I admit, I'm insecure, (so what, heh). I don't like it when guys I date look at it, and I always make it known before any commitment that they can't watch porn if they want to be with me. If they don't like that, it's perfectly fine, they can just go find someone who is cool with it. No big deal. I just couldn't handle the insecurity (honestly, it would be traumatic and devastating to my self esteem!) and I freely admit it, judge if you'd like, anyone.

 

My sister and I were talking today and she said that she and her guy made their own personal 'porno' because she doesn't let him watch porn or masturbate (heh). She said she'd rather him masturbate to her on tape than some skank on tape. I agree, we're probably quite insecure, but it really doesn't make a lot of women feel too great.

 

So, anyway, point is, I understand how the original poster feels. I know some girls are okay with their men watching porn, and that's cool. But I would probably be overwraught with insecurities. Don't know why, I guess it's just how I am and how my thought processes are.

[pregnantkitty_1985]

By the way- this is completely irrelevant but- Caro & others who are talking about Muse... I loooooooooooooooove Muse. Caro, I knew there was a reason why you were so cool other than just the great advice you give.. You're so lucky you get to see them. I hope you post and brag about it afterwards.

[kadvati79]

For those that would be a little insecure, how would you feel watching porn together? I'm not going anywhere with this question, just curious I suppose. I actually find watching porn together a bit useless... I loose interest in the porn in about 20 seconds...

[renaissancewoman101]

My ex was into women with big boobs (not that I have big boobs or anything like that). One day we watched a porn depicting women with big boobs. I found it terribly boring, but it made for some good sex afterwards.

[doyathink]

Let me clear the air as to what 'spyware' I'm talking about cause I think I lost a few with this...lol

 

This is a program that the owner of the computer can install ...lets say...if you want to know what your kids are looking at while on the computer. It is not actual spyware like you catch from an infected site.

 

This software takes screen shots and logs what key strokes the users go to or type....and is completely removable.

 

I installed this program for other reasons, but thats when my eyes were opened to the fact that he had been lying to me for several years when he would say things like...'I think porn is disgusting' and ' I dont look at porn, it's nasty'...yeah, you get the idea.

[kadvati79]

Let me clear the air as to what 'spyware' I'm talking about cause I think I lost a few with this...lol

 

This is a program that the owner of the computer can install ...lets say...if you want to know what your kids are looking at while on the computer. It is not actual spyware like you catch from an infected site.

 

This software takes screen shots and logs what key strokes the users go to or type....and is completely removable.

 

I installed this program for other reasons, but thats when my eyes were opened to the fact that he had been lying to me for several years when he would say things like...'I think porn is disgusting' and ' I dont look at porn, it's nasty'...yeah, you get the idea.

 

I'd consider someone letting me use their computer without telling me they were logging the keystrokes and screenshots as an invasion of privacy though... certainly I'd be really upset if my parents or boyfriend or friends did it too me. In fact, I imagine its probably illegal to do in some countries (It's illegal to do that here in NZ without informing someone, and its highly illegal if you... even accidentally... recover someones password using a keystroke logger.

 

An application that simply logged the pages I visited... hmmm.... I wouldn't really be too concerned about that, because its generally assumed that your browser logs that data anyway.

[doyathink]

It's 100% legal here in the US....if you put it on your personal computer. I installed it because he was cheating on me icemotoboy....I needed solid proof! *I told him I had it on there too*

And it's for sale...LEGALLY all over the internet and in stores. I could care less if my kids like it or not. This is my computer.....and as a parent, I have the right to know what they are doing.

[caro33]

By the way- this is completely irrelevant but- Caro & others who are talking about Muse... I loooooooooooooooove Muse. Caro, I knew there was a reason why you were so cool other than just the great advice you give.. You're so lucky you get to see them. I hope you post and brag about it afterwards.

 

Hey thanks kitty! Yes I am a huge fan, they're probably my favourite band, along with lots of dodgy European power metal . While I hardly see live bands these days (too short, too old and cantankerous to deal with crowds these days) I always make sure to see them when they're here. This is nbr 3 for me, and even better b/c I love the recent album the most. Will let you know how it went.

 

Sorry for thread hijack, back to porn now

[kadvati79]

I was watching Scrubs the other day and the doctor said:

 

If they took all the porn off the internet, there'd be only one site left on it saying "Bring back the porn"!

[shikashika]

not just boys like porn.. I like watching it.. nothing too odd like vegetarian amputee lesbian-grannies-and-pets

 

but just good old fashioned bonking... Every guy I know has watched it at some point.. and I really don't have a problem with a guy I'm dating watching it.. as others have said, its just a release thing...and its fun

[Northalius]

I never watch porn (I must be a rare breed ); I have no interest in it. I have my woman for that. And if she's not around, I fantasize about her in my mind. That is my 'porn'.

 

I still have the belief that watching porn while going out with, or married to, someone, is cheating. To me, fantasizing about another person or people while in a personal one-on-one relationship, somehow tells me something is lacking in that relationship, of which you're trying to make up with watching porn on TV, computer or your mind.

 

If I'm commiting myself to one woman, then I have no time to imagine myself with another, in my mind, on TV or merely walking by me on the streets. If I would find myself doing this, then this is a clear sign I'm not ready to commit myself to one person, and'd probably hold off until I am.

[ScreenagerX]

Hey spader I am going to see muse in a couple of weeks, am quite excited. It's been a couple of years since they were last in my city.

 

Ditto . They will be here for the BDO on the 19th, so guess where I will be!!!!

 

Back to the subject at hand :

 

My current GF actually enjoys porn (she instigated a porn night for the two of us), theres alot of other things she enjoys also but thats getting off the subject. I have found that with the fact that the two of us are so open about it & comfortable about it I haven't actually looked at any for some months now (apart from the once or twice with her). The best comment I can say is that porn is not real, its fantasy.

[Lboogie23]

Thanks everyone for your views on the matter. Especially to the men that do watch it that were able to explain their reasoning behind it, that kinda helped me feel like, okay, maybe its not that i'm not enough for him.

 

Heres the thing though, he has a naked picture of me on his desktop, like as his wallpaper. So its almost like yeah, your not enough for me, so let me go look at some other naked women, you know? And i'm not fat or ugly or anything. So whats up with that?

[shikashika]

Thanks everyone for your views on the matter. Especially to the men that do watch it that were able to explain their reasoning behind it, that kinda helped me feel like, okay, maybe its not that i'm not enough for him.

 

Heres the thing though, he has a naked picture of me on his desktop, like as his wallpaper. So its almost like yeah, your not enough for me, so let me go look at some other naked women, you know? And i'm not fat or ugly or anything. So whats up with that?

 

 

if he has a naked picture of you... why do you worry??

 

you sound a little insecure... It almost seems like you want to control him and say 'ME!!! ONLY ME!!! MUST ONLY LOOK AT ME!!!!!"

 

obviously he likes you but likes to have a look at other naked hotties as well!

 

why don't you pick some porn together and watch it .. the two of you?

[MissTee]

Thanks everyone for your views on the matter. Especially to the men that do watch it that were able to explain their reasoning behind it, that kinda helped me feel like, okay, maybe its not that i'm not enough for him.

 

Heres the thing though, he has a naked picture of me on his desktop, like as his wallpaper. So its almost like yeah, your not enough for me, so let me go look at some other naked women, you know? And i'm not fat or ugly or anything. So whats up with that?

 

I'm totally on your side! If it were my boyfriend I would be really upset aswell. Why don't you ask him why he looks at porn instead of guessing why. This could clear a few things up. And if you're not comfrotable with it, tell him.

 

However, I don't think it's that "you're not enough"... I still think it's just a fantasy thing. He's probably looking at the porn and thinking about YOU all at the same time (if you know what I mean). Ask him!

[Lboogie23]

I am an insecure person, i'll be the first to admit that. thats why i'm having issues with this in the first place.

 

And why should he have to look at other "hotties" when he has one already in front of his face. Whats so wrong with me only wanting him to look at ME naked, as unrealistic as it may be, isn't that how commited relationships should be? i think so.

[SummerDaisey]

I might be insecure as well, but I feel that it is in the nature of women to protect, and the nature of men to explore. I have been having this problem with my husband looking at porn every time I step away from the house. I feel as if I am being cheated on and don't want to feel that way because I love him and don't feel that he is a bad person. I have been searching everywhere for answers. I don't think that there is a hard and fast answer here except to say that I suspect that it is a fantasy thing that he needs and I don't.

[caro33]

I am an insecure person, i'll be the first to admit that. thats why i'm having issues with this in the first place.

 

And why should he have to look at other "hotties" when he has one already in front of his face. Whats so wrong with me only wanting him to look at ME naked, as unrealistic as it may be, isn't that how commited relationships should be? i think so.

 

Hmm, yeah, but it's such a complex issue we can go round and round in circles just like every other 'P*rn! Why?' type thread on here.

 

First, a committed relationship is defined different ways by different people. if you fundamentally think he is breaking that commitment you need to evaluate if you are matched up with the right guy. There will be guys out there who share your view and might be better for you in this regard.

 

However, I would think that a significant part of the population would not define looking at naked people and perhaps getting off when alone as a breach of the commitment to you. The commitment of 'exclusivity' for most of us is a commitment to not be physically intimate with anyone else, not to not look at anyone else and touch ourselves.

 

The definition of commitment that it sounds like you are suggesting here is a slippery slope. So what happens if his eyes linger for a while on a lingerie catalogue? Or he wants to watch Miss Universe? Maybe he thinks of these women later, when he's in the shower...

 

Not nice to contemplate I know, but we must be realistic here. You cannot police his mind, you cannot force him to agree to not ever think of another naked woman, or to not look at women in that light. Surely you perve at guys occasionally, you check them out? Maybe you don't err...'pleasure yourself' with pictures of them, but I tend to think that really is a matter of different brain wiring.

 

I will say this again: his porn is not about you. It's not about comparing you, it's not about being sick of you. It is an urge being met. Maybe you don't understand the urge but you need to try and not place upon it your own more insecure template of what must 'really' be going on.

 

Look I am insecure also, I completely get what you are saying, so the above comments are meant well. It's the way I have been able to understand this porn phenomenon, and my husband has also been very good to explain it to me from his perspective.

[SummerDaisey]

You really helped to put a perspective on this whole issue. I too have been debating within myself of what it is about. It's good that your husband will talk to you about it... mine won't. He simply says he doesn't know why the becomes violently angry... which is another whole issue. Otherwise, my husband is a good man whom I believe to be faithful to me... he just has this urge to look at porn as soon as my back is turned. As I stated earlier, I think it is an urge he has that I don't. I agree with you too that it has to do with different wiring... somehow, we must learn to coexist.

[shikashika]

I am an insecure person, i'll be the first to admit that. thats why i'm having issues with this in the first place.

 

And why should he have to look at other "hotties" when he has one already in front of his face. Whats so wrong with me only wanting him to look at ME naked, as unrealistic as it may be, isn't that how commited relationships should be? i think so.

 

 

sorry I re-read my post and didn't mean to sound so rude!

 

i guess I think its natural to find people attractive... Can't you think of many guys you find attractive... but you don't want a relationship with?

 

I don't know what your tastes are.. brad Pitt.. whoever.. may be nice to look at him on screen adn\\nd say'' ooohhhh lovely''' but then I turn to the guy sitting next to me and think... ah THIS makes me happy

 

Personally I would be smitten if my boyfriend had naked photos of me on his computer!! I think thats lovely!

 

Surely you can find more than one person attractive? but not be attracted to them.. When you've been out with your boyfriend, haven't you conversations about 'ooh look at him... look at her... he she is pretty nice looking?"

 

Men (and women) have been looking at porn/naked people for years.. Some people will say its not for them.. but LOTS do like it.

[Rabican]

Do you ever fantasize about other guys? Porn to me, is basically just a visual fantasy. Its not that i am not attracted to my girl, or that she isnt enough... but if shes not in the mood, well Ill pick porn over my imagination

[Northalius]

Do you ever fantasize about other guys? Porn to me, is basically just a visual fantasy. Its not that i am not attracted to my girl, or that she isnt enough... but if shes not in the mood, well Ill pick porn over my imagination

 

Then she truly is not enough, if you have to resort to porn.

[kadvati79]

Then she truly is not enough, if you have to resort to porn.

 

So, if you watch a comedian on telly. Does that mean you are saying your partner is not funny enough?

 

Now before you say "thats different", remember that most people rate the ability to make them laugh as one of the greatest attributes in a mate.

 

I certainly accept some people don't like porn. But me, I love sex. Of all kinds. I find it fascinating. And I like to watch other people have sex. Sometimes I even get ideas about other positions, and little things I want to try. Sometimes I like to watch stuff I DON'T want to try.

[Northalius]

So, if you watch a comedian on telly. Does that mean you are saying your partner is not funny enough?

 

Now before you say "thats different", remember that most people rate the ability to make them laugh as one of the greatest attributes in a mate.

 

I certainly accept some people don't like porn. But me, I love sex. Of all kinds. I find it fascinating. And I like to watch other people have sex. Sometimes I even get ideas about other positions, and little things I want to try. Sometimes I like to watch stuff I DON'T want to try.

 

If comedy is what you seek, then yes, it's saying your partner is not funny enough for you to keep your full attention on them; instead, you have to resort to watching someone else on TV to make up for that which you feel is lacking in your partner.

[Lboogie23]

so now to add to all this craziness, last night on the phone with my step mom, she told me that she recently found a whole lot of gay porn in my fathers computer history. She said there was nothing of females. Just men and "shemales". when she confronted him he said he wasn't gay. Its just kinda weird to think that my father is this way, when i never in a million years would have guessed. Does this mean that he really is gay, or bisexual?