I'm really sad and just need to vent.....

[chigal28]

So I've been dating this guy for a little over a year now, and things have been great. I've never been happier, and he tells me he's never been happier. Until this weekend.

 

He told me that he had wanted to propose to me for Christmas, but he hasn't been able to save up any money because he's in a real financial hole. So I told him I didn't want a diamond, I wanted a pink sapphire anyway (just figured he should know), so on Sunday afternoon we poked into a couple jewelry stores and looked at rings. Tried them on and everything...SO pretty.

 

Ever since then, he's been acting weird. Not like his normal sweet, nurturing self at all. He's been...I wish I knew how to describe it, but I guess I feel kind of distant from him.

 

Flash back to a couple months ago...he has always had health problems (diabetes, overweight, etc.) but even though he's said he's going to do something about it--diet, work out, etc.--nothing happened. NOW all of a sudden, like this morning, he says he wants to get his crap in order--come up with a plan, start working out, etc., but that he's worried that I'll be upset because it will take time away from us (we live together).

 

I have two theories--one I love, one I absolutely hate. One (hate): he is completely freaked out by the fact that we looked at rings and now he is grasping at ways to distance himself. Two: He has suddenly realized that if we're going to make it work in the long run and be happy, he needs to really follow through and get some of these things done.

 

I wish I knew which one...I e-mailed him and told him that I wanted to cook us dinner tonight, but he might have to stay late at the office...in my insecure, unhappy state, I'm interpreting this as his panicky desire not to come home and spend time with me. I just don't know. But I keep having to go into the bathroom at work to cry, and I hate it.

 

Over the past few months, I realized that I've honestly, truly fallen in love with this man, and now I'm terrified that he's going to see I'm not that great, or that I'm just too much work and obligation, and pull away from me. We just adopted two kitties together, too. Things were so great!!!!! Why did we have to go look at rings??? Why did I even have to tell him it's what I want???? I LIKED THE WAY THINGS WERE!!!!

 

Sorry, just really needed to vent. I am losing it.

[redrose85]

I think you might be overthinking it. If you want to marry this guy, you have got to be able to communicate with him. Talk to him. It is really hard to tell what is going on inside a guy's mind. It is the new year, and a lot of people set resolutions to live better, maybe your guy is one of them, and it has nothing to do with you. or maybe he's busy looking for the perfect ring for you

[bigheart09]

Dont overreact!! Just talk to him and tell him your fears. Guys think differently than us, and he could totally be on a different wave length.

[chigal28]

We do tend to communicate really well, usually, and this morning we talked about his feelings of being overwhelmed...he said he wants to come up with a plan of action, maybe a schedule for working out, an exact picture of our finances, etc., and that would help.

 

But I am SO SCARED to tell him that I'm afraid he'll pull away because he's overwhelmed, or leave me altogether. I've been needy with guys before, but with this guy, I always felt completely secure. I hate this.

 

And aren't we supposed to let men "pull away" into their caves or whatever the heck that Mars-Venus stuff is, and not make them even more overwhelmed because now they have this fear that they're not making us happy, on top of everything else?

 

I guess I feel like by saying something, I'll only push him farther away or scare him more. I want nothing more than for him to pull me into a big bear hug and say "you are what I want more than anything, and we'll make the rest of it work," like he has before.

[Agathon]

Um, well pressuring him is a bad idea, but talking about it isn't.

 

You can do a few things.

 

If you feel you can accept it, tell him you don't mind waiting to get married for awhile, till you're both more comfortable.

As for the working out thing, it's not nice but you may agree he should workout, or may not. Either way, tell him not to worry about it so much. He shouldn't pressure himself.

 

I myself feel the need to workout, but I do it whenever I feel as if I should or can.

 

If you feel like he is everything, tell him that. Reassure him that you love him, but also tell him ou dont want him to get scared.

 

That's all I have...

[sophie274]

Hi

 

He might just be a little overwhelmed by the situation, in a good way. It's a big step to take, and it sounds as though he wants everything to be perfect for your wedding/the start of your new life together, hence the new exercise plan. Since marriage is a life-long commitment, he may be envisioning the rest of his life and taking steps to ensure it's as great as he hopes it will be. He might also be nervous about the proposal.

 

If I were you, I would give him a bit of space so he can sort through his rush of feelings (i.e. don't try to embark on any long discussions about planning the future, wait a bit for that), but I seriously don't think you have anything to worry about.

[chigal28]

Hi guys, thanks so much for your responses. I'm trying to relax, but it's not easy. Sophie, thanks for the encouraging take on things...knowing my boyfriend, that does seem like a possibility, for sure. The difficult part will be to give him space to sort things out, because when something is wrong, I like to hash it out ASAP. Patience is a virtue, I know....

[treefrogkate]

I agree that talking with him is the way to go. I don't go in for that Mars-Venus junk, simply because, in my experience, men and women don't really think all that differently; it's just that everyone is so scared of communication.

 

Keep on doing what you've been doing all along. Don't withdraw and don't go overboard on the lovey dovey. He obviously loves you if he went window-shopping for rings. He might just feel bad that he hasn't been able to give you one yet.

[chigal28]

Thanks, treefrogkate. I think that's good advice, to just keep acting the way I have been and not change anything either way. I normally have tended in the past to get clingy in situations like this, and I had almost intentionally planned to withdraw--be aloof, spend time away from home--to avoid that...but I guess either extreme isn't healthy.