A marriage without sex, is it divorce time?

[cranbers]

That's Bulimia and probably why she had so many miscarriages.

 

She is in serious denial and she needs professional help.

 

The OCD seems minor compared to the other things. Call your local mental health clinic/s and see if they have ways that they can make her go in.

 

I would agree she needs help. She has also been suicidal at many points. But other then having her committed, which she is smart enough to talk her way otu of I really have no clue how to help her. So all i can do is leave her. Then thing about my son and how to keep him safe.

[MacGyverRI]

I would agree she needs help. She has also been suicidal at many points. But other then having her committed, which she is smart enough to talk her way otu of I really have no clue how to help her. So all i can do is leave her. Then thing about my son and how to keep him safe.

 

Suicidal and alone w/ a child would get her committed and then the help she needs.

 

contact a mental health clinic or Psychiatrist.

[heloladies21]

I see what you mean now. Taht is true I do just let her control me in some manner. When i do try to take a stand on a subject. She will do what it takes to regain that control. Whether it is about money, my famiy or whatever. This can be if I leave she wil come stalk me. If I won't give her all my money then she will tell me to get out of her house. So yeah.

 

The fact you dont take any crap, sounds like a good approach. One that I don't typically do.

OK, identifying the problem is the most important part of the battle. Otherwise you're just gonna be left in a state of confusion. So get all those ideas of getting her counseling or trying to help her through her tough time. #1 It's not gonna bring her closer to you #2 It's gonna push her away. Her OCD or eating disorder have nothing to do with your relationship to her. This is an emotional issue between the both of you.

 

This is the time to look out for yourself #1 because you are the only person in this whole world who has the power to stick up for yourself. So take that step when you're ready, but realize that your life is in your control and you only have yourself to look at for the outcome whether it turns out good or bad.

[cranbers]

Urrgh, that young girl situation doesn't sound too good. I'm guessing an underage girl?? That probably was quite a damaging situation for her.

 

Is seeking marriage counselling a possibility?

 

She claims even till this day that she is over that. That the things I did were infinitely worse. The girl was 18, so yeah she was pretty hurt by that. She was with this guy for several years. They were engaged planning the wedding, picking out the dream house. She was pregnant with his kid. One day this girl calls her up. Says what happened, she didn't believe her of course. Until she was able to describe his bed room. So she left him and that was that. She got stuck with the house we currently live in in the process.

[cranbers]

OK, identifying the problem is the most important part of the battle. Otherwise you're just gonna be left in a state of confusion. So get all those ideas of getting her counseling or trying to help her through her tough time. #1 It's not gonna bring her closer to you #2 It's gonna push her away. Her OCD or eating disorder have nothing to do with your relationship to her. This is an emotional issue between the both of you.

 

This is the time to look out for yourself #1 because you are the only person in this whole world who has the power to stick up for yourself. So take that step when you're ready, but realize that your life is in your control and you only have yourself to look at for the outcome whether it turns out good or bad.

 

I appreciate those words of advice. Keep in mind ive never hit my wife, ive lost control a few times and went after house hold objects, and screamed in her face. stuff like that. She will push me until I either have to leave, which she makes very difficult. Or I have a fit of rage. It usually takes hours upon hours of arguing. What we argue about I don't even know. It starts at the beginnign like i said and continues to escalate over all the things over the past 4 years.

 

I can't think of a more perfect example then a snow ball effect. I have never won an argument with her. If I get a good point she will end the argument and tell me to just get out. So I say fine and I proceed to leave and she will start guilt tripping me telling me repurcussions etc. She will get in front of the door so I cant leave etc. Cops have been called before but that didn't really help much.

 

So yeah its a tough relationship. Sex, is prob the least of our problems. But it's one of those things that I miss the most I guess being a man. Sad to say but its true. right now she is nothing more then a room mate to me who orders me around and tells me how its going to be.

[cranbers]

Suicidal and alone w/ a child would get her committed and then the help she needs.

 

contact a mental health clinic or Psychiatrist.

 

I want you to know that my mom has severe mental problems, bi polar/manic depressive. She has been in and out of hospitals many times throughout my life. So I am no stranger to having someone commited. However my wife is a smart one. She would deny anything is wrong and would probably wind up having me commited somehow. I mean it really is that tough. I have tried to bring her family, her mom, dad sister etc into it. But they were no help. They are very passive and I imagine my wife would be near death before they would really help anything, or be there.

 

She is convinced i am the problem. That I don't carea bout her or my son etc. She says im a horrible husband, father, human being. She has called me every name in the book. she has told me my family is (fill in bad word here) etc. She has yelled at me for so long that I started crying a few times and keep in mind I am not exactly the most sensitive person. She believes she convinced me of my wrong doing and that is me showing emotion and a sign of being a human being. I was crying simply because I was tired of getting yelled at. I felt trapped, helpless and without hope.

 

The weirdest thing to me, is that she talks about wanting another baby, quitting her job and getting a new house.

 

1. is preoccupied with details, rules, lists, order, organization, or schedules to the extent that the major point of the activity is lost

2. shows perfectionism that interferes with task completion (e.g., is unable to complete a project because his or her own overly strict standards are not met)

3. is excessively devoted to work and productivity to the exclusion of leisure activities and friendships (not accounted for by obvious economic necessity)

4. is overconscientious, scrupulous, and inflexible about matters of morality, ethics, or values (not accounted for by cultural or religious identification)

5. is unable to discard worn-out or worthless objects even when they have no sentimental value

6. is reluctant to delegate tasks or to work with others unless they submit to exactly his or her way of doing things

7. adopts a miserly spending style toward both self and others; money is viewed as something to be hoarded for future catastrophes

8. shows rigidity and stubbornness

[skyjuice]

Hi

 

Wow...that is a huge list of problem that you are facing.

 

Could you see yourself be with her for the next 10, 20, and etc years?

 

What do you want to do next?

[cranbers]

Hi

 

Wow...that is a huge list of problem that you are facing.

 

Could you see yourself be with her for the next 10, 20, and etc years?

 

What do you want to do next?

 

No of course not. i can't see living with this and forfeiting any opportunity to be happy in the future. I will have to start making preperations and tell her to get help or I will have to leave.

[candy604]

I really think before you give up on the marriage to go see a sex and marital conseullor.

[candy604]

it sounds like she has a medical problem, I forgot exactly what the call it for people who are over meticious, rigid, everythign has to be perfect..oh yeah its called obessesive compulsive disorder. I don't know if she has it or not.

 

she should get help asap. Or perhaps you can convince her that both of you need to go to conseulling? instead of just convincing one another has a problem?

 

Also from what you posted of your wife, she really needs emotional help ( psycholotherapist) and that's why it' probably affecting your sex life with her. Has she been brought up in a bad family?

[Deviant_Kate]

Do you really think a 2 year old should be exposed to the kind of arguments you've described having with your wife? If I were in your situation, I would leave her and file for custody of your son. Maybe the prospect of losing her family would get her to go on meds and stop puking her life away.

 

You and your son can't possibly lead happy lives with that woman, and it has nothing to do with sex. I say get out. I can't believe she's kept you from seeing your family the whole time you've been married. You should never have let her take total control of your life.

 

Stand up for yourself and your little boy! And remember that sometimes things have to get worse before they can get better - whether it's counselling or custody battles, it's going to be hard, but it will never get better if you allow things to keep going on as they have been.

[Iceman26]

You and your son can't possibly lead happy lives with that woman, and it has nothing to do with sex. I say get out. I can't believe she's kept you from seeing your family the whole time you've been married. You should never have let her take total control of your life.

 

I agree with Kate. Get a hold of yourself and your life man. Get out now and good luck to you.

[cranbers]

thanks for your advice, I appreciate it. It's sad though how long it has gone on. I almost feel like im doing all this to myself. I think of leaving and I feel helpless. I mean, I explain all this to others and I know what I would tell them. leave and things will get better. There are other fish in the sea and one of them will make you happy. There is no excuse for this behavior. Heck I hear the same thing form my sister. I now talk to her behind my wife's back. My sister feels bad for me. I feel bad for her, because she tried to steer me clear of all this trouble four years ago.

 

I do care for my wife. She really is proud of being the way she is. She says it makes her successful and she uses those symptoms in positive ways.

 

That is not true as her marriage is down the drain as you have read.

 

So is sex our main problem no, in fact she admitted to me the other day she doesn't wan tto have sex because she will be tempted to get pregnant as she wants another baby, yet she can't handle our son and she doesn't even want to have sex anyway.

[Rabican]

you are entirely correct my friend. I was doormat man a year ago. My girl had some shady goings on with some guy friends, I tried to excuse it, overlook it, let her talk me in circles about it, But I never put my foot down. We broke up eventually (I dont think she ever thought I would end things). We are now back together, and Im not putting up with that crap again and she knows it. Things are defiantely better now, than ever before.

[Rabican]

She claims even till this day that she is over that. That the things I did were infinitely worse. The girl was 18, so yeah she was pretty hurt by that. She was with this guy for several years. They were engaged planning the wedding, picking out the dream house. She was pregnant with his kid. One day this girl calls her up. Says what happened, she didn't believe her of course. Until she was able to describe his bed room. So she left him and that was that. She got stuck with the house we currently live in in the process.

 

What exactly did you do that she is so mad about?

[cranbers]

What exactly did you do that she is so mad about?

 

i talked to my sister about our situation and for advice about merrying her. We were together for 3 months. She wanted to get married, or wanted to end the relationship. She also had a lot of baggage, miscarriages, messy break up with fiance etc. So i was a rebound relationship and my sister could see that.

 

My wife got wind of that, she has a way of using reverse psychology to get informaiton from me and won't take no for an answer. so either you tell her the information she wnats to know, or you lie. I did the dumb thing and told her the truth, bad mistake because four years later im still regretting it.

 

What kind of person doesn't get over something after 4 years?

[skyjuice]

What kind of person doesn't get over something after 4 years?

 

Insecure, inflexible, narrow-minded person.

 

It needs a lot of EQ to start letting go something.

 

Sorry, it sound harsh. But that is my answers.

[TiredMan]

This is probably the most obvious sign that a girl has emotionally left the relationship. Barring any kind of medical reason, a girl's sex drive is so intimately tied into her emotional interest in you that it's not even funny. The most nymphomaniac girl will lose sexual interest, the most prude one will want to have sex 10 times a day...It's all tied into how she feels about YOU!

 

This is so entirely NOT true. Someone who isn't very sexual doesn't turn into a nympho. All relationships are different. In the beginning, sex is more of a key thing but then other things become more involved. In my relationship now, I do'nt have as much sex as I have in other relationships. I COULD but I don't. But there is not 10 minutes that go by where we are not either kissing each other, hugging each other or holding hands or whatever.

[TiredMan]

i talked to my sister about our situation and for advice about merrying her. We were together for 3 months. She wanted to get married, or wanted to end the relationship. She also had a lot of baggage, miscarriages, messy break up with fiance etc. So i was a rebound relationship and my sister could see that.

 

My wife got wind of that, she has a way of using reverse psychology to get informaiton from me and won't take no for an answer. so either you tell her the information she wnats to know, or you lie. I did the dumb thing and told her the truth, bad mistake because four years later im still regretting it.

 

What kind of person doesn't get over something after 4 years?

 

Wait, she gave you an ultimatum (which is wrong to begin with) after only 3 months? Run man run!!!

[RayKay]

I agree with TiredMan, there is something VERY wrong if she gave you an ultimatum to marry her after three months of dating.

 

That is RIDICULOUS. After a lengthy time yes it is time to talk about marriage, but even then it is not about ultimatums.

 

She resents your sister because your sister was looking out for you and could see this was bad news. You were a rebound, and I have a feeling she walks all over you as she has no respect for you; she only wanted marriage and kids, and not really worried too much about WHOM to have that with. And honestly, I think you made a big mistake in judgement in this too....if you married someone after three months that you knew had a lot of problems and was pressuring you.

 

She also has a LOT of issues to sort out and deal with; but if she is unwilling to do so, you can't force her.

 

I am sorry man, but if she is not prepared to deal with HER issues and responsibility in this, I really don't see anything changing. So then it is in your hands whether this is what you want for the rest of your life.

[cranbers]

Thanks everyone I appreciate the posts. I have moved out of the house monday and have applied to an apartment. I have moved in with her parents to get to the bottom of all this, before commmiting to the apartment, I have 30 days to move in before the application expires and I can't move in.

 

As for being sexually active with her I don't have any idea if it will happen again. So what can I do? I guess this is the right thing. I know leaving her will probably give me a great chance of meeting someone new and having a great sex life. Not that would be all i am after but it would be nice after 4 years of not doing it.

 

Fun stuff.

[Iceman26]

Hey cranbers,

 

I am sorry to hear that your marriage isn't working, but I am happy that you finally saw that this situation isn't going to improve and are taking the necessary steps to move on to a happier life for yourself. I wish you the best of luck and keep us updated on how things are going.