evening_light Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 She told me yesterday that she has all her weekends planed so that she doesn't have to be alone here since she will be sad when she gets back here. Let me guess? You're not part of her plans!! My friend she has told you in every which way possible, that she will be your "friend" not girlfriend... Stop torturing yourself, you don't sleep, problably don't eat well either, give her some loose, let her be on her own for a while.... Leave her alone, I know you love her, but you also love your parents and you don't hold their hand when you go out with them either, right? I may be blunt here, but your showing her that your dependant, clingy, sad person...if you want her to start appreciating you as a "boyfriend type of guy", show her the independent, mature, respectful, proud man you are!! Link to comment
thefarewellnote Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 Well I did, I didnt call her at all last night. It was so hard, you get so use to saying good night to someone. I called her this morning on my way to work - again another habit that I did without even thinking of it. I started leaving her a VM without even crossing my mind that i was doing it. After I hung up I felt guilty and and ashamed that I did it, but at the same time happy for I knew it would make her smile if she listened to it. I came into work and she jumped on IM and said hi to me. We talked for about 40 mins. she asked what I did and I asked her - comes to find out she didn't go out dancing with the guys, she stayed home. We then talked about life, she asked me what I would be doing now with my life, moving to the city or staying in my dead end job. I told her I was taking it one day at a time. I told her I missed her and she said thanks - I think asked her if she was missing me and she said "yeap" She seemed very cold, but at times happy to be chatting with me. Right now, I feel like i am cloud 9 - i talked to her and got my "fix" and know that she was thinking of me to get online and say hi. She said she was going to call me tonight, she does a lot of proof reading for my masters degree class to make sure that I get the papers done good. She said we could talk about life and stuff. What do you think I should do? I mean do I tlak about that stuff ? What do I say? Link to comment
blender Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 okay, so it very CLEAR that you are her "buddy" and that is it for now. If that is honest and sincerely okay for your heart, then stay in contact, but it seems to me that you are longing for so much more, so it would be best to establish some standards/values for your own heart and start "no contact".. Where do you hope this "friendly contact" takes this relationship? Trust that as long as you are willingly just a "friend" in her life, then that is the standard you are setting for the relationship, you are "re-defining" it, and it's tough to go back to the "respectful intamcy" shared once this "friendly" banter goes on for too long... She has never had to experience the "loss of you".. how will she then ever be able to discover any authentic feelings she might have for you? How will YOU ever be able to fully heal and re-gain some independence and clarity? If this is not an "honest and sincere" situation for your heart, then it's time for you to set some boundaries for yourself, and to try to let go with love, and tell her that you want much more then to just be "friends" that this "buddy talk" leaves you feeling not so "sincere" and if she ever does discover that she wants to make an intentional loving effort to work on this relationship as a couple THEN AND ONLY THEN should there be contact, but until then... you need to let go, move on, and heal... Link to comment
thefarewellnote Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 If this is not an "honest and sincere" situation for your heart, then it's time for you to set some boundaries for yourself, and to try to let go with love, and tell her that you want much more then to just be "friends" that this "buddy talk" leaves you feeling not so "sincere" and if she ever does discover that she wants to make an intentional loving effort to work on this relationship as a couple THEN AND ONLY THEN should there be contact, but until then... you need to let go, move on, and heal... What scares me so much to say that to her is the fact that if I say all that, she will think that I don't care and she may do something that would kill me (ie hookup with these guys she has been around), I think the reason I continue the friendship and "buddy talk" is for the fact that if I keep this up for 1.5 more weeks and she comes back home maybe she will see me and realize what a mistake it was. I know if she is here I could win her heart back, I just know I could. One thing that continues to boggle my mind, and maybe I am just looking ot much into it or maybe one of you females could lend a hand in this is this: We both are members on those damn web communities (the one in question is link removed) It says we are both in a relationship wth each other and are praticial married. She has commented nurmerous times that she doesn't want to change it (to single)for it will cause rumors and stuff to happen, and that we should just leave it saying we are in a relationship. Maybe I am just looking to much into but it still bothers me at times, she tells me she doesn't love me but is scared to change her status on some dumb site. I wish i had the strength that you guys had when it comes to this sort of stuff Link to comment
blender Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 Can you answer "why" you CHOOSE to give "hope or validitaty" to her "leaving her status with you" on a web site is 'A SIGN' that you can win her over, yet and all her words of ending the relationship as a couple are not a "clear sign" for you to move on? Link to comment
evening_light Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 (the one in question is link removed) It says we are both in a relationship wth each other and are praticial married. She has commented nurmerous times that she doesn't want to change it (to single)for it will cause rumors and stuff to happen, and that we should just leave it saying we are in a relationship. Don't read between the lines on this one...she just doesn't want to admit she single, this way she doesn't get hounded.... You do have strength??, correct me if I'm wrong, but I've noticed that slowly but surely, I'm sensing a progression in you...you're starting to realise a few things.. a) she's not into you ( but your crazy about her) b) you love her ( but she wants you as a friend) What can you do right now...start detaching from her, go cold turkey, NO CONTACT....make her miss you, make her see what she would be missing... you're making her life very easy...she calls( you answer)...she e-mails( you jump)....set some bounderies for yourself and she'll respect you... is it going to be hard, yes!! ( but the only person who can muster that inner strength is YOU ), right now what have you got to lose....you already lost her as a "girlfriend" Like Blender said..." you don't want to be her buddy"...right?? I'm going to HARP at you until you go NO CONTACT....so prove to yourself, not ME, that YOU have the courage... Link to comment
thefarewellnote Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 Throughout the day I am always so gun -ho to do this, it is just when I get home (our home, she lives right next door) I start missing her and thinking about her. I start to worry that if I dont answer the phone or her emails/IMs that maybe she will turn from me into the arms of another guy that she has there, that starts to consume me till I have to call her to let her know that I am here for her. Her calling shows me that maybe there is some love still in her. Blender - I chose to give her hope, for I want truly to believe in true love. I have dated girls in the past and have had my fair share of loves and exs. But this girl was different, growing up your mom always tells you what will make a good gf/wife, and i honestly believed that. Girls always say that they want the nice guy, someone that will treat them with respect and love...I did that and now left out in the cold all alone again Link to comment
evening_light Posted January 11, 2007 Share Posted January 11, 2007 So what your telling me, is that your putting your life on status quo, "on hold" until she decides that you guys should be a couple again....why? While your here worrying , driving yourself insane, she may be having the time of her life..... Ok, at first she told you she missed you, but lately, she is revealing the true HER. What would be your next move if she tells you that it’s really over ( and I mean really over..) Link to comment
thefarewellnote Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 So what your telling me, is that your putting your life on status quo, "on hold" until she decides that you guys should be a couple again....why? While your here worrying , driving yourself insane, she may be having the time of her life..... Ok, at first she told you she missed you, but lately, she is revealing the true HER. What would be your next move if she tells you that it’s really over ( and I mean really over..) I just dont understand her she just got online and said hi to me again and bailed while i was chatting with her, I mean she is the sweetest girl ever. But its like I dont even know her when she is at home. I understand she is busy but at the same time why treat someone that you loved and had great time together with like dog crap. It kills me to talk to her and not mention us, but her friendship is more important than that and I swallow that pain for a chance to talk to her and she treats me like that. And isnt just that, its so much more. Being cold and sour toward me on the phone at time, and then others being sweet and loving. * * *? maybe she wasnt worth my time...maybe no one is Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 I couldn't say it better Evening light... Today I truly decided to let go of my ex, on my own, without consulting her. As far as im concerned, she doesn't want to come back, or she would have already. The minute I decided to let go, I started to feel better. Now Im going to resume my plans and continue with the happy life I had before I even met her... Lets show ourselves our own determination to go on and improve our lives... Lets recover our dignity and love ourselves first... you are what you love, not what loves you... Link to comment
Enitsirk Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 That type of flirting is just a step away from cheating. If she had any respect for you or the relationship, she wouldn't behave in such a manner. Someone who loves you isn't going to do something to intentionally hurt you like that. Her behavior is highly inappropriate. Link to comment
thefarewellnote Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 Update time: Well I didn't call her all evening, I did mention the other day that i wanted her to read over some of my masters class homework. She called tonight at about 9:00 and asked if i still wanted her to read over them I said sure, and she did. After that we continued to talk and talked for 3.5 hours about everything. At first she was really cold to me, and stuff. Then she asked me what I disliked and liked about her, I told her and she laughed. She then started calling me a nick name that she use to call me when we were dating and we chatted about anything we could think of. I wouldnt say that it was a good convo at times, she made it clear that we were over, but times there seemed to be hope. Like she was making plans for us to do certain things when she gets back. She said she had noticed I didn't call as much as I use to and it had been nice that I was giving her the space she needed. She just hung up and asked if she could call me again in a few mins for she has really enjoyed the convo we were having....i said sure. I will keep you posted. Link to comment
thefarewellnote Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 Well, its the morning now and I am at work.She just called me again and said HI, we laughed and joked some more. I wanted so bad to tell her I loved her. I could tell by her voice she was missing me. She has went back to her cute voice/nickname that she had for me. I know I shouldn't be talking to her, for if it doesn't lead us to get back together it is going to end up hurting me even more than it does now. But with all the positives signs (her calling and flirting with me) it is hard not to talk to her 1 Link to comment
TijuanaJones Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 i dont know if you could sum up the courage to tell her: "Listen, Its nice to hear about you and all, but I dont feel it is fair for the both of us to pretend we are friends for now. I really care about you and I cant be your friend, because my feelings for you are stronger than that. If you feel and are shure that you want to give it a try again, feel free to call me, but for the moment I think its better to stop contacting each other" I know its hard, but that either a) gives you a sense of closure and lets you get on with your life, or b) makes her react and think what she really wants hang in there Link to comment
Jeffrey2095 Posted January 20, 2007 Share Posted January 20, 2007 Hello again guy, I'm sorry to hear that things did not turn out for you the way you might have wanted. That's hard buddy, I feel for you and have had many of the same, so I hear ya'. You received a lot of good advice and support over here at ENA, so keep on hangin' out bud. Keep your relationship with her as a quality friendship, (if that's not too painful, maybe it is...) but hopefully you are able to be at least her friend on any level. Samross is still jamming with his ex. Just wanted to say hi again too, and see how things were coming out for you. Peace man Jeff Link to comment
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