Like this guy, but he doesn't want online relationship

[ShyCynic]

We've been chatting for only a month, but its been all day, every day (until today, which I'll get to in a minute). We never (well rarely) run out of things to say to each other and we have alot in common (also some very big differences too). We've cybered like twice, and even talked about meeting. So whats the problem, you ask? He refers to us as "friends with benefits" and says even when we meet (which he says will be 1-2 years from now he will travel here to see me, I'm in the US, he's in Australia) that we should stay friends with benefits until I can move to be with him (which he also plans to pay for). I'm extremly bothered by this and I want some kind of commitment before we do anything together, actually I wouldn't mind a commitment right now so much, even though I told him before he told me that I don't want a cyber relationship. Anyway like a little over a week ago I said why can't we be in a cyber relationship or something like that, and he said "I thought you didn't want one" and I told him I have no idea what I want and that I needed to think about it. And he said he didn't really want one but if I did he would think about it and seriously consider it. Since then things have kinda changed between us, I feel he doesn't like me as much, we still chat mostly all day but he seems more distant, much slower to reply now. Neither of us has mentioned that convo since and I don't know how to bring it up, and I'm not sure now I'll have to even Last night we were joking around about one of his female friends (who he's only met once and who is in a relationship) and I asked him who he would chose if I lived near him and if we were both single, and he said he didn't know and didn't want to think about it. And he's before told me she's like family and he wouldn't date her so I feel kinda lied to. Anyway I was so upset he didn't say me that I told him goodbye and put him on my block list. I have no idea what to do now, I miss him, but I'm not sure he'll even talk to me again after doing that. What do I do, do I take him off block, do I wait for him to email me, if he does should I just keep ignoring him? I feel like I really care about him (not love, I've been in love before so I know the difference) and that if I don't have him in my life I'll be losing at the very least a very good friend, on the other hand I'm very hurt that he wouldn't chose me over this other girl, and I don't think I can handle things going on the way they are, I feel I'm bound to develop some much stronger feelings for him if they do.

[shikashika]

ok.. you won't even meet the guy for 1-2 years in real life??.. what are you waiting for? find someone else... someone you can actually meet in person in the next 24 months..

 

It makes no sense to me how he can call you two 'friends with benefits' when you haven't even met yet... what kind of benefit is that?

 

Maybe its just me, but I don't see the point of online dating if you can't even meet the person.

 

I think you should try and meet people that you can actually MEET.

 

it sounds like this guy is just bored and having a little online fun and saying things like that just for the fun of it.... this is what it sounds like to me

 

i have to admit I don't know anything about online dating.. so I dont' really understand the strong feelings when you've never met someone.

 

Please dont' wait around 2 years for him' just in case'

[annie24]

ditto to every word shika said! 2 years waiting for a guy who you've never even met and doesn't want a commitment. why are you still talking to this guy? there are single men in your city who love to take a girl out for dinner and drinks, so go meet one of them instead and let Mr. Cyber go.

[ShyCynic]

Well it can't be that he just wants some fun, he spends way too much time with me for that. 90% of the time he responds to my IMs and starts typing as soon as I reply. We chat nearly all day. And he does want a commitment just not with someone who he can't see on a regular basis

[ShyCynic]

I'm still talking to him because he's the only one I've ever had this kind of connection with. I've had rl bfs before and I never felt so strongly about them like I do him. And I have a pretty bad past, and have lots of emotional probs, most guys run the other way. Not him though, he not only doesn't run the other way, he actually tells me the stuff wasn't my fault.

[shikashika]

Well it can't be that he just wants some fun, he spends way too much time with me for that. 90% of the time he responds to my IMs and starts typing as soon as I reply. We chat nearly all day. And he does want a commitment just not with someone who he can't see on a regular basis

 

Please don't take this the wrong way but you say you chat all day? i like chatting being on the internet ( more than is healthy, probably!) but wouldn't you like to actually be talking to someone in person? Wouldn't it be so much better if you could be going out for lunch, going to museums, going for bike ride, spending evenings cuddled up watching movies, or whatever it is you like to do with a boy than tapping on a keyboard?

 

Do you think perhaps part of the reason you think you like him so much is because there is that mystique to the foreign man you have never met before?

 

he told you clearly that he would have chosen another woman over you..

 

What do you think about keeping your FRIENDSHIP with this guy... but keep you mind and eyes out for other guys that live in your city?

 

Have you ever been to Australia? What makes you think you'll meet up in 2 years. I lived in Sydney for a bit, and am now back in Canada, and i do miss my friends there.. and it is hard to think that not only are we in different countries, but two different hemispheres... I'm about as far apart from them as two people can get.... (and a 2000$ plane ticket) As much as I'd love to think I will be able to go back and visit.. its just not that easy. Much harder (and way more expensive)than getting to Europe.

 

Would you be planning to visit him in Australia, or would he come here?

Even if you were to meet up in 2 years, you may be 2 very different people by then things could be different.

 

While I'm still concerned about the distance between you to ( even if you did 'meet' for how long... both of you would have to go back after a couple of weeks) I'm even more concerned about the fact that you say you spend all day talking to him, while he has told you bluntly that he wouldn't choose you and doesn't want a relationship with someone he can't see!

 

with him telling you how all your problems weren't your fault (and I'm not saying they were) he is telling you EXACTLY what you want to hear. perhaps this is why you have fallen for him.

 

 

I really hope you meet someone that you can actually meet in person!

[ShyCynic]

I would love to meet someone I can go out and do things with, but I'm extremly picky and also most local guys never reply or stop talking to me after a few convos on online dating sites. And he never said exactly that he'd chose her over me, just that he didn't know who he'd chose. And we haven't exactly decided who would see who yet, only that he would be the one paying for it. He's the one who brought it up first about us meeting, not me. Well actually I did, but in a joking matter where I said something like "you should sell ur kidney for money to come see me and he replied back saying he's seriously thought about us meeting in a year or 2 once he's saved up some money. I'm not a trusting person at all but I really don't believe he's saying anything just because its what I want to hear because he's always been so honest with me about everything. I'm pretty insecure so I've asked him stuff like whos the nicest person you've chatted with, whos the prettist, smartest, etc, and he didn't answer me which is what a dishonest person who was just playing me would do. But he did answer me when I asked who you like chatting with the most and one you most want to meet but haven't yet.

And he's also admitted to me that he didn't shower for a week when he didn't leave the house. I mean why would someone dishonest make this kinda stuff up. He also gave me the IM name of one of his other online female friends cause he thinks we have alot in common. So I dunno, my instint is to think he's being dishonest but I look at all the facts and can't really find much evidence to disbelieve him.

[ShyCynic]

Ah and no I haven't been to Australia ever, but theres nothing and no one holding me here where I am. I would be more then willing to move there if it developed into love. I couldn't ask him to leave and I know he wouldn't anyway, he has an identical twin who he lives with and I doubt he'd wanna leave his twin. I don't think we will change that much in 2 years either, cause I haven't changed much in even longer, and him, well he's never even had a serious gf before imo, he says he has, but he's only ever kissed. So I'm not that worried about him meeting someone or anything, I'm just hurt that he might rather be with someone else if he had the chance.

[shikashika]

I just see not red flags but BLACK flags all over the place... When he says " I didn't shower for a week and never left the house'?!?!?!... shouldn't that tell you something

 

I know I haven't talked to him but from what you've written, it sounds like you would do much better meeting someone who you can actually meet.

 

What has him being a twin got to do with anything? It sounds like you are making excuses for him... he can't leave his twin for a few weeks!?!? What does that say about him if he can't leave his twin? What does that say about a 'man' like that?

 

I know plenty of twins who travel!

 

Ok, you may not have found Mr. right yet, but it doesn't men you won't.

 

Would you want to be with a guy who would pay for some girl he'd never met to fly halfway around the world for a couple of weeks.

 

In your last post you make it sound like there is nothing keeping you where you are , in the US you make it sound like you would pack up and move over there. If you did, do you know about the visa requirements of an American living in Australia?

 

Please!! find someone else!

[ShyCynic]

I don't know what is it supposed to tell me? He's very open and seems to tell me everything. He would leave his twin to come meet me, but not to move here. No I don't know the visa requirments for an american to live there, I'm sure it can't be that bad though.

[annie24]

I think you like this guy so much because you haven't met him yet. You have an idealized version of him living in your head. But you don't know him, what he is like, not even what he really looks like! people lie all the time, especially on the internet.

 

link removed

 

this week's column is about a woman who meets a man on craigslist, and then he never wants to meet in person. She found out that it was just a scam, he and his buddies were writing to lots of women to make them fall for them, and they would just laugh about it. they never had any intention to meet in person.

 

I've done a lot of online dating myself, and if someone is hesitant to meet (or tells you in 2 years!) something is up! he is either married, has a gf, looks nothing like his photos, etc.

 

We had a member on here recently who met a guy online, and he had made plans to move accross the country to be with her. Before she did that though, we advised her to actually meet him in person once! She said that they were really crazy about each other, and that everything was going to be alright. We advised her to at least meet in person, so they did. And it was a disaster! Luckily, she didn't rearrange her life for a guy she didn't know, and she just met someone new and now they are dating and things seem to be going pretty well.

 

ulimately, it is your time and your life. if you want to wait for this guy for 2 years, sure, do whatever you want. I am just saying, this guy may not be who he says he is, and even if he is, he may meet someone else. He's pretty much told you he can't do that long distance of a relationship, so he's telling you not to get your hopes up. I am sure that there are other men in your area you can meet. Just because you've had bad luck in that area so far doesn't mean that there aren't men you could meet.

[ShyCynic]

Is 2 years really that bad though? I mean he needs to save up for a plane ticket and money for a place to stay (I have roommates so he knows he can't stay here). Does it have to mean he's lying about something or not who he says he is, he's just gotten out of college and started his first job so that is why he has no money now. He still lives with his family too so he doesn't have any bills to pay tho he said he helps some. I don't honestly think he's gonna meet anyone else either, hes far too shy, and he hasn't had a gf in over 5 years. And I don't feel there'd be anyone else that would ever accept me like he does or give me all the attention he does either, I'm very clingy and like to be around the person 24/7 (reason my previous relationships have failed).

[shikashika]

I don't know what is it supposed to tell me? He's very open and seems to tell me everything. He would leave his twin to come meet me, but not to move here. No I don't know the visa requirments for an american to live there, I'm sure it can't be that bad though.

 

check before you think how bad it can get... one of the major things you should do before you move to a country!!!

 

unless you are highly skilled then its very hard for Americans to get a visa.. if you were a member of a Commonwealth.. which you aren't then you could get a one year (extended to two years if you do three months of agricutural work) if you are under 26 and an American then you MAY be able to get a 4 month visa IF you pay a bunch of money and have a job set up before hand.

 

I know people who have tried to get common law visa and its not so hard

 

don't be so sure its not that hard.

 

i really don't understand why you woud be looking at moving to a foregn country where you don't have the visa requirements... wouldn't that be one of the first things you would look at?

[shikashika]

Every thing you've written here makes me say ... again... please drop any idea of meeting up with this guy in two years.

 

yes 2 years is bad!!! waiting 2 years for a guy that may or may not be the person you think he is?!

 

being clingy isn't good in any relationship

 

it sounds like you are settling by saying 'non one else would ever accept you

 

I suspect that he sees this and is just telling you all these things because you are very open about your insecurity.

 

I also suspect what the other poster said... this guy could just be doing this to you as a cruel mean joke...

 

Pleae I beg you... stop... its painful to read your responses... I really don't think its a healthy situation for anyone!

[ShyCynic]

Every thing you've written here makes me say ... again... please drop any idea of meeting up with this guy in two years.

 

yes 2 years is bad!!! waiting 2 years for a guy that may or may not be the person you think he is?!

 

being clingy isn't good in any relationship

 

it sounds like you are settling by saying 'non one else would ever accept you

 

I suspect that he sees this and is just telling you all these things because you are very open about your insecurity.

 

I also suspect what the other poster said... this guy could just be doing this to you as a cruel mean joke...

 

Pleae I beg you... stop... its painful to read your responses... I really don't think its a healthy situation for anyone!

 

How can he be doing it as a cruel mean joke, he's investing an awful lot of time in me if thats the case, he's even wanted to move to voice chat/web cam, I don't have either and I've so far made excuses as to not to get them cause it is only online and I'm undecided if I want more of an attachment to him. And I don't understand whats wrong with being clingy, if you love someone why in the world would you not want to spend as much time with them as possible? But unfortunately most people seem to agree that clingy is bad, so my choices are be in a relationship where I'm not happy and don't feel I'm getting enough attention like in the past, or meet 1 of the rare people like me who just might happen to live very far away.

[shikashika]

How can he be doing it as a cruel mean joke, he's investing an awful lot of time in me if thats the case, he's even wanted to move to voice chat/web cam, I don't have either and I've so far made excuses as to not to get them cause it is only online and I'm undecided if I want more of an attachment to him. And I don't understand whats wrong with being clingy, if you love someone why in the world would you not want to spend as much time with them as possible? But unfortunately most people seem to agree that clingy is bad, so my choices are be in a relationship where I'm not happy and don't feel I'm getting enough attention like in the past, or meet 1 of the rare people like me who just might happen to live very far away.

 

I don't think being clingy is ever a good thing... it means that you need to rely on someone else for your happiness... one needs to learn how to be happy by themselves as well... no matter how much I loved someone, and I think this is true in almost everyone I know... no one wants to spend as much time as possible with someone they love.. its like being strangled.. and you will only push your lover / partner further and further away

[desert_rose26]

I don't think being clingy is ever a good thing... it means that you need to rely on someone else for your happiness... one needs to learn how to be happy by themselves as well... no matter how much I loved someone, and I think this is true in almost everyone I know... no one wants to spend as much time as possible with someone they love.. its like being strangled.. and you will only push your lover / partner further and further away

 

Hi shikashika, you are very nice to have helped her see the BIG picture. I also hope that it knocked some sense into her. 2 YEARS??? Never mind 1 year!! I think the max. is 6 months eh? And I agree, it is dangerous to be clingy in ANY relationship...unless it's your mommy. hehe.

[desert_rose26]

Please Give Him A Special Place In Your Heart AND MOVE ON!!!! It's the new year!!!!

[ShyCynic]

Well in closing I'll say I've decided to keep contact with him but limit it to an hour a day. This way I'm not investing too much but I still don't have to wonder what if. I'm gonna be up front and tell him later or in a few days then I need alot more space. Right now I'm content not to talk to him (actually I'm far too anxious to think of what to say now), my msn shows me when people are online even if I've blocked them so I know he'll be there when I do decide I'm ready to talk. If he really is the one for me, it will work out, one day. If not well maybe I have a life long cyber friend at worst. Now if my feelings for him don't go away after a few more weeks then I suppose even more space or no contact for a while is in order, I fully expect they will go away though, I already don't miss him as much.

[desert_rose26]

Good Girl.

[Double J]

Shy,

 

My guess is that you're very young. I experienced similar "online encounters" when I was a teenager, and like you, I was already thinking that I loved girls I hadn't yet met in person after knowing them online for a few months. I honestly think that this is pure idealization - you're becoming fixated on how you perceive this guy rather than on who he really is. How do I know? Because you yourself don't know who he really is if you have yet to meet him in person.

 

Take it from someone who has experience with these things. Interactions over a computer do not always translate into "happily ever after" stories in real life. I'm not saying that your situation cannot work out in person, but don't get your hopes up too high. Like other posters have suggested, try to meet people in real life. You might dismiss everything I'm saying, but don't be surprised if you do meet someone in person one of these days who sweeps you off your feet and makes you lose interest in this online fantasy.

 

Usually people are more compelled to try out online dating when their real-life options are either limited or unattractive.

[galaXyGyrl]

I don't think being clingy is ever a good thing... it means that you need to rely on someone else for your happiness... one needs to learn how to be happy by themselves as well... no matter how much I loved someone, and I think this is true in almost everyone I know... no one wants to spend as much time as possible with someone they love.. its like being strangled.. and you will only push your lover / partner further and further away

 

Unless he shows you his diploma/photo id's or real official documents You won't really know what is true. He spends much time with you it sounds because he isn't working & when he starts working full time he will have less time for you. Right now he is skating at home hoping to have some cybersex because it will cost less than a real gf, relationship where he feels he won't be successful at because he doesn't have the money to truly date...? and you cannot be guaranteed you are the love of a lifetime/first/ true love since you will not be in person for 2 years. So you get to perform like a love monkey on the webcam for how long? Be very careful dear please, because where you may be seeing love he may be seeing something entirely different.

[chloe09]

LOL this sounds like something i saw on dr. phil.

[SarahRose]

I think it is best to limit yourself to local people to date. Long distance is very expensive and heart breaking.

 

Online it is easy to get caught up in the fantasy of love because you build an image of what this person is like without having ever met them.

 

It is fantasy to plan on moving to somewhere you have never been with someone you have never met.

 

Relationships are hard even in the best of circumstances.

 

I've been in a ldr for almost 3 years now. I'm not a broke teen or 20s either. I'm highly educated with a good career and let me say migrating to australia is a very difficult, long, expensive ordeal.

 

Quite a few time I have almost reached my breaking point thinking I couldn't go on in this relationship anymore and he is some one I have spent a considerable amount of time with in person!

 

So I would say have a nice cyber friend and leave it at that and go out and meet some boys in your area.

[notsomuch]

If he was kind and sweet, said you were perfect and wonderful, then I'd understand.. But waiting two years for a guy that said he wants other women? No no no no!

What if he turns out to be a (..or even more of a) jerk? thats TWO YEARS of your life chasing a very expensive dream. If you want to use the internet to meet guys, feel free. Just be selective. Dont bother with guys that wont say anything concrete.

 

I think this is all about your self-esteem. You dont think that you can do better. Believe me, just by what you've said in this post I know you could do better. You could have a wart on your face the size of your left leg, and sweetie, you could still do better. Your worth more than some guy thousands of miles away that isn't quite sure. Quite frankly, he's taking the p***.