THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[ExarionUniverse19]

Day 4

 

Ugh. Had to get on eNotAlone early today, because as I was sitting on the couch watching TV, I had a flashback... of when we first were getting into the relationship, at around the same time as right now... we were on the very same couch, on a Friday. So I had to find something else to do, which is why I'm here now.

 

I didn't think about her much today, but when I did, it was short and sweet. By sweet I mean a little bit harder to deal with, as my feelings for her seemed to be a bit stronger today. But! I've decided that if she does contact me asking for reconciliation (or for anything else), I'll follow the rules of NC and explain to her that I need space right now and we can't talk yet. I'm not going to let my emotions get the best of me, and right now, all I want to do is move on. My heart wishes for reconciliation, but I'm fighting that wish with my brain, letting NC do its work to heal me...

 

So today begins Spring Break. That means 10 days without seeing her at all, period. I won't be in the same school with her, so this should be the best time to heal. Hopefully I'll return to school on Monday with different emotions.

 

Overall, an up and down day, but aside from the break up issues -- it's Spring Break! Can't get down about that!

[solarplexus]

Day 6 or 7.

But does not matter.

 

Friends showed up. They could not believe how good I felt. They tried to talk about her. What a bad thing she did etc. But I was not into that. I am OK that is the most important thing.

"Everybody have their own reasons. I am not angry to nobody but just DON'T appreciate certain things. That is all"

 

That is what I told them.

 

I FEEL GOOD.

[kate111]

About 2 months.

 

Went out to a couple of parties with friends. Had a good time, although often felt sad.

 

I felt so old and out of the loop party wise. I've been part of a couple so long that I have forgotten how to play the single life.

 

Met this guy (friend of a friend) quite cute, but felt no chemistry. He asked for my number and I agave it to him figuring I SHOULD get out and date, not because I want to.

 

Bad idea or good?

[macgyver4ever]

About 2 months.

 

Went out to a couple of parties with friends. Had a good time, although often felt sad.

 

I felt so old and out of the loop party wise. I've been part of a couple so long that I have forgotten how to play the single life.

 

Met this guy (friend of a friend) quite cute, but felt no chemistry. He asked for my number and I agave it to him figuring I SHOULD get out and date, not because I want to.

 

Bad idea or good?

 

Good idea. You are just out of it. Go out with him, get to know him, and I am sure you will have fun Kate. You are a good girl and you just need to relax a bit. Love will come your way, just let it go.

[Rosie007]

Day 46

 

Rosie,

 

I remember feeling that way, too...that everyone was hearing from their exes, or having some kind of way of communicating (even if it was only over the web). Mine certainly wasn't chomping at the bit to see me, and really, I think I was better off because of it (even though it didn't feel that way at the time).

 

What it made me realize is that I wanted to feel like, or be, the kind of woman who is unforgettable to some one...and that wasn't going to be the case with my ex.

 

Thanks, Shaker. It's soooo nice to see you back. It was great to see your icon, and then to hear directly from you.

 

 

I'm visiting with best friend this weekend. My family is nutz. Thank goodness for my best friend, whom I've known for 35 years. I made it through a long, crazy week, and now I'm happy to be here, so long as I keep contact with family at a minimum

 

All best,

 

-Rosie

[kate111]

Good idea. You are just out of it. Go out with him, get to know him, and I am sure you will have fun Kate. You are a good girl and you just need to relax a bit. Love will come your way, just let it go.

 

 

Ok then I will. Even though I am not feeling anything for him because it is too early. I hope that isn't too mean.

 

Oh well, I DID let him know the state I am in and shall not mislead him.

[andy5128]

That's fine Kate at least you were honest and up front with this guy..

Well update from me had a lousy week last week as didnt get a job I went for so a moment of weakness sent her a text and she replied politely. That was Thursday so back to the NC.. Been in touch with a female friend who I used to work with 5 years or so back via email on and off over the years and she emailed out of the blue.. how weird!! Anyway agreed to catch up in a couple of weeks so looking forward to that.. Hopefully a good idea, what you think everyone?

[honeyspur]

.. Hopefully a good idea, what you think everyone?

 

 

Yeah andy - it's good. Just follow the same advice you gave kate and you should have a nice time.

[lonelyfish]

Day two - gosh, didn't realize how hard it to keep looking at his Myspace! Not gonna do it though.

 

"Everybody have their own reasons. I am not angry to nobody but just DON'T appreciate certain things. That is all" - my thoughts exactly. I'm just dumfounded by what this guy did, he obviously was not the one for me.

[andy5128]

Thanks honeyspur, yeah time to go and enjoy myself! She's a nice girl, we got on great many years ago so looking forward to meeting up. I could do with some good company right now and feeling a bit better about myself.. All good things come to those who wait is my current motto!

[thelonelydoll]

Day 15

 

Spent a good chunk of Day 14 at the police station. The ex had destroyed some of my stuff, and I've been noticing that some things have "gone missing" - a couple of books, a photo album, two t-shirts, a Croatia jersey from Euro 2000. But yesterday morning I went to put on my diamond earrings and my vintage Tiffany tank watch, and they were nowhere to be found. I kept them in the box with his so-called engagement ring, which he took back. Either he took the whole box including my diamonds and watch, or he hid them somewhere in an attempt to gaslight me. I still can't find these items, and the police can't really do anything as the ex isn't a US citizen and isn't currently in the country. Whether he stole my stuff or hid them, I'm even angrier than I was before, with the harassing voicemails and texts. If I can't find these items, I will eventually have to break NC - but so far, Day 15 is here, and the phone harassment stopped three days ago. No desire to speak to him ever again, really. I'm hoping the diamonds and watch will turn up, hidden, because I really, really don't want to have to break NC to track down my things on the other side of the Atlantic!

[macgyver4ever]

Day 11

 

I had nothing to do last night so I ended up reading a book called "Make Up, Don't Break Up." It made some interesting points in it, and I ended up writing in my journal for several hours. The book is about looking at the person's childhood and figuring out what is causing them to act the way they are. My ex had 3 scaring events happen as a child which would make her fearful of commitment. If she ever tries to come back we will address these then.

 

Then drinking ensued. I ended up talking to my mom for 2 hours about my ex, basically whining about what am I supposed to do. I talked to my cousin for awhile late last night who is going through a breakup as well. She's been my "Breakup Buddy" so it was nice.

 

I am planning to go out tonight, even if it is by myself. Hopefully my friends will be in touch. I can't stay at home another night. I'm running out a scotch!

 

 

Today I feel: Depressed, Sad, Confident, Motivated, and Hungover-Slightly.

[Wandering_Sword]

Total Time: Over four months (I think, I actually lost track)

 

The ex emailed me two days ago and I'm not even getting the notion or even moony-eyed about the email.

 

Officially, I'm back on NC and is day two.

[thelonelydoll]

DAY ONE - AGAIN

 

Well, I should be on Day 16 now - but I looked at the ex's myspace page. He's made a number of changes just today; his profile still says "in a relationship" but now his interests suddenly include AA - which I have a feeling was added simply for my viewing pleasure alone, since he refused to do anything about his alcoholism while we were together, and was the biggest contributing factor to the break-up.

 

I'm so annoyed with myself for looking in the first place - I was halfway to completing the 30-day challenge! AARRGGHH!!!!

[bigthings46]

Day One-Its the beginning of the new month and the beginning of NC for me. I wrote my last email yesterday morning expressing my feelings and letting her know that I am walking away. Here we go.

[Shaker]

Hi Guys and Dolls,

 

I miss y'all, and I'm so glad to see the support and strength surfacing on the board still.

 

(I've never been a vet before!, but I can say that completing the challenge really helped me, and I still feel glad I did it. No regrets, lots of new happiness and rediscovered happiness, and still some bits and pieces of sadness about breakups in general, my breakup in particular, too....Hard that we're in a world where people cut bait, look for greener grass, don't like to do necessary work on relationships....and yet coming here and seeing the kind of community and love and generosity between strangers does my heart so good!).

 

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, chin up, count those days, and celebrate your accomplishments.

[macgyver4ever]

Day 12

 

Things are still rough, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. My parents are coming to pick me up on Wednesday to spend Easter at my brothers. It will be a welcome escape from reality for me.

 

I got another girls number yesterday. Not expecting much from it, but maybe a friend or at least someone to get to know. I'm excited to see what happens anyway.

 

Yesterday I spent a lot of the day reading the Blase Harris "How to Get Your Lover BacK" book. It's not good for my healing to read, because it does give me a lot of hope, but at the same time I am learning a lot about what went wrong, why it happened, what I can do to prevent it in the future, and maybe have a chance to get her back (very slim.) I'm hoping to finish the book in the next few days so I don't have to think about it anymore.

 

Last night I went out to a house party in Chicago. It was ok, but I did gain some hope that I won't be alone forever. The place was crawling with computer geeks, each with a fairly attractive girlfriend. This made me realize that a great guy like me can't be alone forever. I'll find someone, at some point.

 

I've been struggling not to call my ex, or her parents. My ex was having a really hard time choosing between me and the other guy during the break up, and was leaning toward me until the very end. Her ambivalence was caused by 2 things: fear of commitment and a fear of abandonment both stemming from her childhood. This is explains her actions pretty clearly, but is bad because going on NC is me abandoning her. I still plan on finishing the challenge, but after that I hope to touch base with her.

 

PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOUR ADVICE ON THIS.

 

 

Today I feel: Confident, Depressed, Unmotivated, and overwhelmed.

[thelonelydoll]

Well, since her fear of abandonment pre-dated you, that's a big problem she has to sort out for herself. My ex also had a fear of me abandoning him, which was completely irrational in his case and pointed to deep-seated psychological issues that I chose to ignore. Good luck with your continued strength on this challenge - but personally, I don't know if it would be wise to contact her after you complete it.

 

Hey - you're on Day 12. Wait and see how you feel after Day 30 - you might surprise yourself by having no interest at all.

[macgyver4ever]

Well, since her fear of abandonment pre-dated you, that's a big problem she has to sort out for herself. My ex also had a fear of me abandoning him, which was completely irrational in his case and pointed to deep-seated psychological issues that I chose to ignore. Good luck with your continued strength on this challenge - but personally, I don't know if it would be wise to contact her after you complete it.

 

Hey - you're on Day 12. Wait and see how you feel after Day 30 - you might surprise yourself by having no interest at all.

 

In 20 days it is her birthday, so I am going to send a card with a nice, short note hinting that I still care for her, but not saying that. I will be finished with NC by then, so hopefully she will call, or write me a text thanking me for the card. If she doesn't I'll have a good idea of how she is feeling towards me.

 

Honestly, I'm worried that the longer I wait, the closer she will get with this guy, but at the same time, the longer I wait, to closer to the end of the "honeymoon" phase they will get.

 

When my ex knew I was going to propose, she got cold feet and tried to get out by finding the flaws in me. She didn't get out until she had someone else because of her fear of abandonment. This other guy could just be a placeholder, but they have been seeing each other for almost 7 months. They know each other well, but I think she should start to see the "real him" soon.

[thelonelydoll]

Oh, I didn't get that you actually still want to be with her - guess I should read up on your story.

 

I dunno... I'd just skip the birthday card altogether. You don't have any control over how close she is with the other guy, or whether or not she will ever see the "real him". The duration of their "honeymoon" is likewise out of your control.

 

Only you can decide why it matters to you. And if the guy is really just a "placeholder", would you really still want her back if she came to you?

[macgyver4ever]

Oh, I didn't get that you actually still want to be with her - guess I should read up on your story.

 

I dunno... I'd just skip the birthday card altogether. You don't have any control over how close she is with the other guy, or whether or not she will ever see the "real him". The duration of their "honeymoon" is likewise out of your control.

 

Only you can decide why it matters to you. And if the guy is really just a "placeholder", would you really still want her back if she came to you?

 

I honestly won't know if I want her back until I see her again. If I can look into her eyes and feel happy, and see the love, and the girl I once knew, I will know things will work out. If gazing into her eyes brings sadness, hatred and fear, I know it is over, and I must move on.

 

Before I meet with her again, I want to be on a even playing field. I want to have my head on straight, and want her interest in me to at least be peaked. Girls do not like it if you forget their birthday, and one fault I do know about the other guy is that her is NOT romantic. Forgetting her birthday would really make her feel abandoned. She has no reason at this point to think I am still pining away over her.

[misskitty]

I am at day 1 again. I looked at the myspace page even though its private now. I got all the way up to 8 days! I was depressed because we planned on spending alot of time together this week before it officially ended. :sad: I am putting all my activities and thoughts not to be centered around this POS. It is a new month, new beginnings for me hopefully.

[thelonelydoll]

misskitty, I hear you! My ex was originally supposed to be flying over here tomorrow (in addition to all the relationship problems, it was also long distance) so this week was meant to be spent together - which is maybe why I sabotaged my own NC day count. I'll be following your progress, we're in the same position!

 

Yes, it's a new month, and a new start to NC. Let's stick together!

[papalazarou]

Hi Mac

 

Personally speaking you would have done the 30days by the time her bday comes round so I would send that card.

 

I wouldnt send a gift or make the card too mushy tho, but I think there is nothing wrong in saying happy birthday.

 

My ex birthday is in the middle of May and I fully intend to send a card at least.

 

I think that it will show you have no hard feelings but be prepared that she my just say "thank you" and leave it at that.

[thelonelydoll]

Go with your gut and ignore her - I was walking on eggshells, too. It's too soon for her to be miraculously freed of her borderline tendancies. Block her emails if you can, so you don't even have to put yourself through any dilemma. And congrats on your new healthy relationship, by the way.