THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[comfyshoes]

Well Princess, for me i went back to missing her like crazy, text her to say and got into a whole cycle of bad things. She told me she didn't want to stay in touch with her, being in contact with me made her feel uncomfortable. So i snooped her myspace (smacks self in head here!) found out she is obsessed with a 21 year old girl that lives on the otherside of the country form her and has two kids and a girlfriend! She's giving this girl all the same crap i got when we got together. (she had just broken up with a girl then too) about her ex husband and how badly he treated her and how she can not be with someone right now until she heals form that and she cannot rely on anyone emotionally.

 

I almost puked when i read it (a sign that i should not have read it!) It is exactly the same stuff she used on me! making out like she is a broken woman and harbours some desire to be saved. I also laughed a bit. whn we got together she transformed herself from this flowery woman into a "butch" (i hate lesbian identities!) because she thought's that what i wanted to see. When we broke up for the 6th time she told me that part of the reason was this transformation she had undergone in her identity. So now she's playing with this 'kid' who identifies as a "boi" she's gone all flowery and "femme again telling this girl that i made her change who she was before.

She also told this girl that she would be able to visit her soon as "Psycho" (that's me, by the way) is finally going to pay her back the $1700 dollars that she owes! You'll know the story about the money from my other posts!

 

 

Anyhoo. Back to your question of what happens now? YOU DON'T DO WHAT I DID!!!!!!

You stop counting the days and continue what you are doing! you saty NC and try your best to heal. Even if you still think that you want them back, if you think they might come back.

My therapist and various people on here have asked me what i got form her, got out of the reltionship. At this moment i honestly don't know.

I think it was shaker that said the fact that i still care enough to think about her shows more about my ability to love than hers. That's what i'm taking on board right now. From what she is telling this new girl, nothing has changed in her life during the time we were together. she is still them same mess and dealing with the same problems that she was 4 years ago. or perhaps it's just that she has to explain to someone new why she is such a mess rather than leaning on the emotional crutch (me) everytime she has a little self doubt!

 

Stay strong! you are worth more than the pain that they put you through.

 

shoes

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Shoes,

 

That makes total sense to me.

 

I was going to stay NC, but as I reach the end of the challenge I wondered what happens next.

 

Your ex sounds like she is having some kind of identity crisis, changing who she is from one person to another. Who is the real her? Or does it just depend on who her girlfriend is at the time?

 

Crazy ex's...who needs them!

 

xxx

[comfyshoes]

Lmao Princess.

I'm sure she has an histrionic personality!

I'm learning now that it was all about her, not me.

shoes

[honeyspur]

Honeyspur,

 

 

Let me know what you think. I do feel a little bad about toying with her emotions, but not bad enough to lose any sleep.

 

Thanks Again!!!

 

Well, hon, I'll tell you the truth - I think it was a bad idea - LOL- but it doesn't matter what I think.

Only you know what to do with your own life. I'm glad it went well. I hope things turn out for the best.

[Semid]

twelve days of NC and today and feelling miserable. I want to cry.... I want to sleep, I want do disappear!!

[MasterT]

Day 8.... Man it was hard to wake up this morning... Thankfully a post by SuperDave71 pulled me out of my blue funk...

 

Last night was horrible. I wanted to disappear so bad... I just kept thinking to myself if I disappeared and didn't tell anyone where I went, things would get so much better... Then I realized that running from my problems is only going to make them worse... *sigh*

 

But at least I'm feeling better this morning.

[macgyver4ever]

Well, hon, I'll tell you the truth - I think it was a bad idea - LOL- but it doesn't matter what I think.

Only you know what to do with your own life. I'm glad it went well. I hope things turn out for the best.

 

Haha! Thanks for the honesty!

 

 

I've had some more time to think about it and I still feel good about how it went. I'm glad there are no hard feelings between us. I don't want to hate her anymore, because there is no room for hate in my heart.

 

Anyway

 

I guess I am supposed to start over now, but I'm not.

 

Day 17

 

I talked to the ex last night to cancel her cell phone. It went well. I was happy etc, and she cried because I was such a nice guy. She feels probably feels insecure now, which is good for me.

 

I think it is a good thing that she is questioning her actions, because she has been making abd decisions. Maybe this will be a start in the right direction for her, but it could also push her over the edge. She doesn't have far to fall, so either way will be good.

 

Today I feel: Confident, Smug, Excited, and Disappointed

[papalazarou]

Hi Shoes,

 

 

Crazy ex's...who needs them!

 

xxx

 

 

Aint that the truth!

[rsxguy520]

day 55! its me mama's b-day. CHYEAH!!! woke up hellah early/kind of to greet mama happy b-day then went back to bed. ha. pretty much its a nice day, very sunny, can't wait for family dinner tonight. anyways, im pretty bored i dred waiting to go back to school. well off to the garage to play with my car.

[deelove2010]

Hi superdave I have to say that I've been on this site since the break up of my gf a mth today and you have really inspired me to be really strong! but I've had days where I caved in to my heart and quickly sent an email to my ex to see how she was doing! and I also go onto her myspace page to see what she been up, which makes me go mad even more! I'm going to from today 02/03/07 have NO CONTACT what so ever with my EX! you are right its about time to love myself and work on making myself a much better person by making a few changes to my life! I'm going to do two things! 1st is I'm going to get myself a new job build a new career I have an interview in the next few days so pls keep your fingers crossed doing this is giving me something to keep my mind occupied and 2nd I'm learning how to drive I have my first lesson in 3 weeks time! I have been waiting in wonderland hoping she will come back to me but I have to wake up a smell the coffee and realise she is NEVER coming BACK! It's her loss! I will log on everyday for the next 30days to let you know how this is making me feel! Thanks superdave you are a true to yourself thats why you can give such good advice and I thank you for that!

[kate111]

Can I email you my situation Superdave?

[SadOldMan]

Well. I feel like I've gone back a few weeks. My sister came round tonight and started to talk about my ex. She has been friends with her and also has some dealings with her in her job. My sister had sent her a birthday card and they exchanged a couple of text messages. Then my sister asked me what I'd say if my ex said she'd made a mistake and wanted to try again. I should have told her I didn't want to know anything. Have been very tearful tonight.

[annalise23]

Im back to square 1. My ex is texting me gestures that would make anyone crumble. Its so hard. I have to think with my head not my heart. Its incredibly tough. Why is he saying them now, not when it mattered!! I have heard these promises before, and it always ended the same way. Why would this time be any different?

[ahhh2jz]

thats why changing your number helps to avoid having these crumbs tear you apart on the inside.

[ahhh2jz]

- annalise, don't look into those messages; I faced the exact same thing, and it doesn't help at all.

[ahhh2jz]

Day 57 NC - nothing much to report; things are going okay; my mind has been pretty stable and am steering clear of falling into that dwelling mode. It's still tough I admit, but way way easier than it was starting off this NC that's for sure.

[houdini]

Day 12, Started off ok then as the days kept adding up it seems to get a bit difficult to handle. It's mind boggling how someone you love and said they loved you back, have a child with and spent the last 5yrs in a relationship can lose everything they felt for you and treat you as if you do not exist....Still can't figure it out and I wish I knew...

 

Again, Day 12, I wonder how I will feel on day 30...Hopefully better than today!!!!

 

Houdini

[macgyver4ever]

Well, hon, I'll tell you the truth - I think it was a bad idea - LOL- but it doesn't matter what I think.

Only you know what to do with your own life. I'm glad it went well. I hope things turn out for the best.

 

Honeyspur,

 

You were right.

 

I feel like crap tonight. All I can think about is my ex now, and I have taken a huge step back. Hopefully I can recover quickly because I have a date tomorrow. I just feel so hurt today.

 

I'm glad it's over but the pain is so fresh now. Hopefully a good nights rest will do the trick.

 

Any advice would help, but I don't know what you could say.

MK

[Rosie007]

Hi Macgyver,

 

Here's a thread that might help:

 

 

 

Hang in there.

 

-Rosie

[Rosie007]

I slept until 12:30 this afternoon. I was supposed to go to work today, and I just slept. In our company, we have a policy to call by 9:00 a.m. if one is going to be out. Fortunately everyone knows how sick I've been ... as evidenced by my cough that reverberates off the walls. I guess my body really need the healing sleep. I'm actually starting to feel a little bit better.

 

I'm still hanging in there. I really like the thread I just suggested to Macgyver.

 

In the past two days I've talked to two friends with whom I haven't been in contact for the last several weeks, since the final straw. Naturally they are outraged at the way Rex IM'd me to say he was going to be sleeping with another.

 

Here are today's thoughts:

 

1. Did he do it as one more in a long line of bad actions, and that just happened to be where I'd drawn my mental line? In other words, had I been such a glutton for punishment, he may have been genuinely surprised that I'd have the gumption to take care of myself?

 

2. Did he do something so way-over-the-top mean in a desperate attempt for me to go away? Was I that stubbornly obtuse to all his other messages?

 

3. If he was really genuinely such a jerk, what does that say about me? What is wrong with me that I would fall in love with a person who had the capacity to behave so wretchedly?

 

 

I kind of think it's important not to turn Rex into some kind of monster. He's one of my best friends best friends. If he was such a monster, I doubt my friend would be friends with him.

 

I've really got to figure out what's wrong with me. Why I was so desperate for love. Why I clung so hard to a hopeless situation. Why I didn't walk away back in August, when I first learned the cold, hard, hopeless reality of my situation: that I was rebound gal, which means run, do not walk, the other way.

 

I don't want to start beating myself up here. I just want to figure out what I need to address so I don't do it again.

 

I believe I did pose them to my sponsor, and she said to stop beating myself up, that I'd taken a risk, dared to love, etc., etc. -- but how valuable is it to be vulnerable in a no-win situation?

 

So that's where I am today. Trying to answer the same set of questions that have plagued me for months.

 

-Rosie

[comfyshoes]

I've been letting the scenario with the money bither me for a few days now. Why after two months of not speaking does she suddenly decide she wants it back?

i sent her a text asking what i had done to make her hate me so much, why she needed the money back now and why she felt comfortable enough to ask for it.

She replied with 'u didn't do anything wrong. i just have sadness and other feelings i need to sort through. i don't want to get drwan into the cycle again.

She later text to tell me that she was going to texas for spring break (where the 21 year old lives) and that we should just chill and i could check in with her when she got back. She said i could text her if i wanted to but she can't say she will always answer. Then i got 'Grrr this is just too much right now"

 

I don't really know why i'm posting all of this on here other than to get some perspective from other people as i clearly make * * * *ty judgements time after time.

I all but know that she has fallen in love with this 21 year old in texas and is going to see her this month. well i do know.

she confuses the hell out of me! maybe she will make it with this new girl and i will finally have a real reason for moving on.

 

Help me??

 

shoes

[honeyspur]

You were right.

 

I feel like crap tonight. All I can think about is my ex now, and I have taken a huge step back. Hopefully I can recover quickly because I have a date tomorrow. I just feel so hurt today.

 

I'm glad it's over but the pain is so fresh now. Hopefully a good nights rest will do the trick.

 

Any advice would help, but I don't know what you could say.

 

 

 

Because I already said it silly.

 

 

Remember - there's ALWAYS a good and bad side to absolutely every event that takes place. So the good side to this is - you took care of stuff and you did it with integrity. Anyone would rather you spoke to them directly and your ex proved that by reacting in the way you had hoped.

 

But what happened to the challenge, man??

 

I mean - am I crazy or are we in an NC challenge here?

 

This is what makes me wonder - if you accepted the challenge - why did you blow it off to relieve some emotional tension?

Are you going to fall off the wagon every time you fear her "getting MAD" or "being really hurt"?

Um - newsflah - she's going to feel that way forever because it's human nature. How are you supposed to successfuly shield her from that?

Your a man - not a tether!

 

One thing the NC challenge does other than teach you how to stop obsessing through habit forming, it gives you a substitute - kind of like the nicotine patch - with all the people to chat with and support and focus on. You don't forget about the ex - but you do get it out of your system by writing here. You give your friends and family a break by coming and venting here.

And lastly - you learn some self-discipline. One month is something like 0.99999999999999th's of your life - why blow it up to be anymore than that?

 

This may seem unlike you - but it is possible you need to teach yourself to focus on you. Breaking a commitment to get some temporary satisfaction (I don't need to remind you that one of your emotions was "smug") is probably something that has happened to you outside of the ex - somewhere else in your life. Do some thinking about it.

 

As I said before - it's not just bad - you are very kind and that can only come back to you in some way.

Use your kindness wisely however. Protecting our own heart and sanity should come first.

[SadOldMan]

17 or 18, methinks

Starting off a little low but the rollercoaster's picking up speed on the incline! ;-)

Don't feel so bad at the moment. Might be something to do with my new Paul Smith boots. Man!, why didn't anyone tell me about retail therapy sooner!?

[MasterT]

Day 9 of NC... The hardest times of day for me are still the morning and the evening...

 

Today so far has started off pretty low, but I'm sure it'll get better.

[ASHAN4U]

Okay so I'm ready to jump in and take the challenge. My ex and I have been broken up for 6 months now, however the seeing, talking, IMing has continued throughout this time period. We were supposed to meet up for a casual dinner and he called 2 days before and cancelled. He then proceeded to tell me he was going on a date that Friday night (which would be last night) My stomach is in knots, not knowing the outcome of last night just sickens me. Did it go good, did it go bad, will we ever talk again? The last IM we had he said that he hasn't been out looking for anyone in the last 6 months and he didn't have high expectations about this blind date (yup blind date) But honestly no one has high expectations on the first date - I didn't with him on our first date and here I am head over heels still in love with this guy. I basically told him that I hope it works out for him. I mean was I supposed to cry and yell and make myself look so unconfident that he would just try harder to like this girl even if he didn't? NO and the funny thing is he was kinda shocked and weirded out how I took the news so well- (yup, first step into showing the ex that I have confindence, and believe it or not confidence is an attraction) So it's Saturday morning and I managed to get through the night in one piece, I went into my closet and pulled out some old tapes from back in middle school and listened to them, got some laughs out of it and went to bed. My ex told me again in our last IM conversation that he would let me know what's going on with this date, if he decides to pursue it, but the fact of the matter is HE WENT ON THIS DATE so that means one thing... he's ready to move on regardless if we still talk or IM or whatever. So the only thing I can do now is move on and see if he lets me know anything. I will not contact him to find out how the date went, that will only make me look weak. I have to think positive about this and know that nothing is impossible... yes, we all want our exes back that is why we are here, but is it that we want our "ex" back or is it we want the way he kissed you back or the way she smiled at you back, is it we miss the late night pillow talk or the arguing and then making up; the long drives together as he or she rested his or her hand on your thigh, the giddy love in the very beginning, the comfort feeling and just being able to talk about work or your bad day. Do we miss how he looked in those certain jeans (the ones you bought for him), or is it we miss the way she helped you do yard work in the spring, drink beer by the pool side and go to every Dave Matthews concert in driving distance? I know for sure that I miss all of those things we did but what I'm trying to figure out now is if I miss those things b/c of him. Love is about compromise, gaining perspective and then putting that into action as a team, and if you both aren't willing then it will never work. I tell myself everyday that time heals wounds and if we are meant to be together our love will find it's way back. For now I will let him go so he can find the meaning of true love and when he does he will then know what my love for him was really worth.

 

So Super Dave and all that are feeling hurt and miserable, I'm here taking on this challenge to get back what I lost - self worth, self confidence and self respect (maybe him). Our last contact was on 02/28/07 so it's been 2 full days now. My question to everyone is what do I do if he calls or IM's? Do I ignore or do I listen to what he has to say?

 

The challenge begins.....