THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[boston23]

Hello everyone...

 

Rosie: Don't even try to say you don't belong here. We love having you here!! And has tough as it is to imagine now, yes, you can be amazed about those same little tiny things about another man....and a man who will be amazed by all those tiny little everyday things that you do too. Keep going strong, this stuff works out.

 

Michael: Do you think the gagging is anxiety? Or are you sick? Just wondering b/c I definitely had huge issues with food and gagging right after my break up.

 

So I am continuing NC (although actually if he breaks NC w/ a txt mssg I dont respond to, is it still NC?). Well, I think it counts for me at least. I didn't write back and it's not part of the challenge so I guess I'm making up the the rules for my NC now

 

Yesterday when I posted on the forum I was feeling really ok about everything, just not sure if should reply and when I posted I definitely thought I was going to, but I'm very happy that I didn't. I love ENA. (If you're interested: )

 

But looking back on getting the text mssg, I'm really surprised at my emotional response. I mean, I didn't feel horrible or anything, but I did cry a little in the car (alone) for whatever reason (not b/c I was sad). It makes me feel like I'm on this raft and someone came over and leaned really hard on the raft making me feel like I was about to tip over and even though I knew I wouldn't tip, I still had to work to regain my equilibrium. I think that the crying was just the pent up emotion of having hoped so so hard (before the challenge) for him to contact me, and now he actually does....it just felt like all the emotional relief that I would've had before when I was hoping/praying so hard came a tiny tiny bit even though I'm not interested in the contact anymore. Yeah, I'm just annoyed about him contacting me now.

 

And puh-lease. Don't bother telling me happy birthday a month late. Don't even try. You knew it was my birthday then, don't even try now. And if you want things to be better, put a little more effort into in than a txt, because I am not someone you can just try to appease with a stupid txt. If you want my respect, then you can try to earn it.

 

Yeah, so my raft is nice and steady again and I'm feeling gooood.

[Scrembledeggs]

Day 12 of NC...passed the 3 week mark of being broken up yesterday. I was comfortable and generally in a decent or good mood most of the weekend, but part of me still expected her to finally get ahold of me yesterday for some reason. Last week was so terrible...not really too sure why, but I'm really making a conscious effort not to let that happen again. IT'S SIMPLY NOT WORTH IT.

 

I know I'm supposed to be 'living every day' and enjoying the moment, but I'm a sucker for scheduling ahead and I take some comfort in the fact that, even though I used to spend nearly every weekend with her, I now have at least some sort of concrete plans with fun people the next 4 weekends in a row. This includes a snowboarding trip out to Vail in 3 weeks...if that won't take my mind off of this whole mess, what can? Heh.

 

I still find myself randomly falling back to "what is she doing / thinking right now"...and this is capable of wiping the smile right off of my face. I need some sort of 'release' tactic...something to get that thought out of my head each time before it has a chance to eat away at me. Any suggestions?

 

Here's to feeling a bit better (and hopefully staying that way)

[macgyver4ever]

Macgyver4ever: Do you plan to go out with the dog owner again? It's almost like a date that belongs in "Something about Mary".

 

So, I've noticed at the end of your posts you list your emotional states. What's your plan to get from where you're at today to a list that looks something like: Happy, Confident, Fulfilled, Energetic, and Giving?

 

 

Shaker:

 

I am going to go out with her again. She's very sweet. I will def. keep my distance from the dog though. Everyone has been making the "Something About Mary" reference. My life is crazy.

 

Right now I need TIME to get my life back to a happy state. I was hurt very badly by the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. She cheated and lied, and changed into an awful person.

 

Here is what I am doing to keep on track:

- NO CONTACT with the EX- Day 13 today

- Limited Contact with her parents. I went 7 days until they call me.

- Exercise. I am working out at least 3 days a week.

- Reading- I read "It's Called a Break-Up Because it is Broken" last week

- Dating- I am dating one very sweet girl, and trying to meet more.

- Getting out on the weekends.

- Going to Work

- Practicing the Laws of Attraction (at least trying)

- Eatting Food (I lost 20lbs. from the break up)

- Trying to Love myself

- Prayer

 

I am keeping busy and trying to enjoy being single. Instead of looking at it as as punshment, and feeling bad for myself, I am trying to look at all of the things I was unable to do when I was with her. Go out, meet girls, and enjoy myself.

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Honeyspur,

 

I lost myself in my relationship, I always do.

 

When I first met my ex he thought I was confident, independent and very in control of my life, that's what he loved about me. What I became was needy, insecure and an emotional vampire! that's we he didn't love about me.

 

At the moment I am trying to establish who I really am. Perhaps I am a mixture of all of those things? Maybe I am none of these things? x

[boston23]

My questions to everyone, not just our success stories:

How much of your identity was lost to the ex? How have you improved because of this break-up?

 

Thanks everyone - let's make it through another day!

 

 

I didn't really think that my identity was lost to my ex, but looking back I think that I definitely felt my identity extremely stifled by him. Before the relationship I had a very good idea of who I was, and I didn't feel intimidated by other people. But I realize now that part of my identity is the self-confidence that I have, and during the relationship I lost some of that. My self-confidence went down because I wasn't allowing myself to tell him what I thought he was doing was bad and horrible, and I feel that I really let myself down in that respect. I could've said those things, but I chose not to because I thought I would lose him that way, but the reality is that I lost myself instead. I'm honestly ashamed that I didn't stick up for what I believe to be true and right. I think I lost my own self-respect. I guess it's hard for me to forgive myself for allowing him to treat me in such a disrespectful manner and it's hard for me to forgive myself for not saying anything about the types of things he's doing with his life. What I did was against my own self-identity, and instead of taking a stand for myself I held it all in and started having physical manifestations instead (gagging). So I feel like I lost a part of me, and my ex didn't actually have that much to do with it other than the fact that I was scared of losing him.

 

Improvement? Hmmm. Well, this has definitely been a self-discovery journey. I've improved probably because I'm willing to actually get to know myself and to really think about my goals and aspirations. I've really had to think and ponder myself, which I honestly have never done, and it is very mentally draining. But without the break up that would have never happened. I know that after all this I will be improved, and I feel like I'm starting to see the plans of the improvement, they're just not implemented yet. It's getting there.

[Parsley]

Pisces - I keep reminding myself that I'm 18. Everyday I tell myself that I'm not even in my 20s yet, that I have 3 years ahead of me in uni, in which I will meet new people every single day. That even after that, I'll only be 22 when I graduate, and I'll still have all these opportunities to meet new people. I've got an idea at the moment of working or living in Canada or somewhere in the States after uni. Who knows?

 

You are clearly going to find someone fantastic. I don't see how it could work any other way! I've read your posts from the start and it's obvious that you are an incredibly loving person. The number of times I've read on these forums that the fact that we are hurting so much proves that our love is amazing, and that anyone would be lucky to have us! That definitely includes you. You are an amazing woman.

 

Boston - Ooh! Check you!! I am loving you being all "Pfuit"

[Pisces_Princess]

Parsley,

 

I agree with that. I guess the capacity to hurt is only possible if we have the capacity to love xxx

[Parsley]

What of my identity did I lose to my ex?

My innocence (in both senses). Before him, my previous ex and I had a very loving relationship, but the whole time we pretty much might as well have been friends. So when I met this guy it was a big shock to the system to be with someone that I got on with so amazingly well but also made me feel 'wanted' you know? I don't regret that I lost my virginity to him...I'm just sad that this person I completely revealed everything about myself to, decided he just didn't want to see anymore. I'm sad that the way he's gone about this and stuff I've found out since has made me feel incredibly cheap, and utterly used.

 

How have I improved?

Well...I've lost my innocence. There are obviously plenty of things I'm still going to be incredibly naive about - I'm 18 for god's sake!! But now that I've had my first real heartbreak, the first taste of how life and love just isn't the fairytale we're spoonfed from our childhood, I think I'm going to make some better decisions. I've learnt that when your instincts tell you something, there's a reason. I've learnt not to be a complete pushover, and that if someone's made their made up, nothing I can say will change that, it has to come from them.

[boston23]

I still find myself randomly falling back to "what is she doing / thinking right now"...and this is capable of wiping the smile right off of my face. I need some sort of 'release' tactic...something to get that thought out of my head each time before it has a chance to eat away at me. Any suggestions?

 

Can you come up with something that you would rather think about instead of her? I mean, I know that you don't actually want to think about her, but something that has a greater pull and gives you really good feelings. For me, I ripped out this beautiful tropical island beach picture w/ empty chairs and I imagine myself sitting on one of the chairs, basking in the sun, thinking about how nice it is to own a huge multimillion dollar company and to own this beautiful island, and to have my family right there, etc etc. I find that makes me totally forget about everything and fills me with these great feelings. And each time I think about that island scene, the quicker and quicker that island and those emotions can be conjured up.

 

You could also try to really focus on whatever you should be doing and banish those thoughts out of your head whenever they come up. I think that tactic works for lots of people, but for me it didn't do the trick.

[macgyver4ever]

My ex and I both changed who we are throughout the relationship. My ex was very immature and that made me take on a role of more of a parent. It's not something I wanted or liked, but she refused to take care of herself. If she wasn't told to do something, she wouldn't do it. We both got into a routine that also lead to the demise of the relationship.

 

For the most part, I did not change who I was, and was very confident until she broke up with me the first time. This made me very insecure about losing her, so I revolved my life around her. This seemed clingy to her, so that pushed her away. She wanted me to give her space and freedom, and to trust her, but she was seeing someone else behind my back so I shouldn't have.

 

She wanted freedom from everything, and that drove her away from me.

 

Since the break up, I have felt myself grow less uptight. I'm happier by myself, and reconnecting with my passions.

[comfyshoes]

i passed my 30 day mark some time in the last week. even though it's more like 60 days since she dumped me for the sixth time.

haven't worked out how i feel yet. i'll post here about it sometime soon. i have mixed emotions. i always thought i'd write or email or something after the 30 days but i feel inclined to leave it longer. I guess i'll have to wait and see. My mood moves form one day to the next. I want to speak to her then i don't.

who knows how i'll feel tomorrow.

I know i have one thing from NC. I'm not the same wreck i was after previous break ups when we stayed in contact.

 

More later.

 

shoes

[Scrembledeggs]

Boston23,

 

Thanks..that is a good idea. I think for me it has to be something REAL, though. I'd convince myself that I was fooling myself with an image outside of something that I can really grasp. I can use this Colorado trip that I'm going on, and various aspects of that for a while, as that is still a few weeks off. Also, focusing on guitar or piano might help for me..as in really putting effort into a tough part or song. We'll see.

[Parsley]

Scrembledeggs - focusing on a trip works very well! I had a break up last April, and just focused on starting uni in september and all the amazing things that would come with that. I left my course, but am starting back at the same uni with a different course in September - which I should be looking forward to as well but I haven't. Think of all the different things that could happen and all the people you'll meet. It does help!

 

(thanks for reminding me that I have uni to look forward to now

[LBP]

Today has hit me hard for some reason...

 

I just don't know why she hates the idea of talking to me so much. All I ever wanted to do was be friends, but I can't even talk to her about her life, anymore... Not even to chat. It's so painful that I hardly know what to think about it.

 

I just want to be able to shake her hand, basically - bury the hatchet. Why does she insist on it ending on a sour note? Why can't we at least chat, like we used to, about the BS of life in general? WHY IS MY BEST FRIEND DEAD?

 

Damn it all.

 

Day 3... Second thrity days of no contact are hard, for some reason!

[boston23]

LBP: It's better to have NC right now. It gets way too painful to try to be friends when you're still healing. You in on the challenge? That way the NC can be your decision, not hers.

 

ew. my ex just txted me again with the phone # of the guy who's # I had asked for right before my ex accused me of "taking people away" from him. I can understand that he's feeling bad about how he did that, but I'm still feeling the:

 

Puh-lease. Grow up and apologize for the fact that you acted like a 4 year old throwing a tantrum. All you're doing now is being the 4 year old who's trying to pick up the pieces of the lamp he just broke b/c his mom walked into the room. Loo-ser.

 

I'm going to the gym now I haven't worked out in a week so this is going to be nice!! Ooh and I bet the guy who I have a crush on will be there. I love having multiple crushes...anywhere I go I have the possibility of running into one of them!

[SadOldMan]

Day...no idea.

 

I'm steamingly angry at the moment. On Thursday, The next mortgage installment will come out of my account. That'll make £1600 for the 1st three months of the year. And how much has she paid? Uh huh, £0. Also, got the phone bill today after cancelling the telephone line. She'd made loads of calls since the break. A lot to her sister in Australia. I feel like she's been taking the pi55 out of me.

Seeking advice tomorrow. Can't go on like this anymore.

[ahhh2jz]

Day 53 NC - started school; and there is a slight chance I may bump into her. That's going to be interesting

[mariab.]

day 20 for me. It got harder this week I don't know why. His mail still comes to my house, i tried to get it changed at the post office but I need signature. It also hurts that he hasnt tried to see how I'm doing, I understand he might not want to give me the wrong impression but really, we broke up! what other way to say we are over ( I guess he did say don't wait for that call) It makes me doubt that I meant that much to him. I think that everytime I am starting to think about him I'm going to chant"out of sight out of mind, do not think about him" and hopefully train myself to just stop thinking about him..If I send him a letter w/ the change of address fornm in it and a sticky saying p "change your adress" will that be too much?

[lightlight]

NC 16 days (previous NC 39 days)..fell out new years eve...seen him once since.

 

Wow have I turned a corner! Got a group email from him today trying to arrange a group get together (compltely out of character for him..normally waits for others to arrange).....not the slightest bit bothered and it went straight in the deleted items bin and I didn't think any more about it the rest of the day.

 

To top that off I have met a guy on an online dating site. We have been emailing for a while and really stepped it up recently. He's smart, funny, sensitive etc etc ...and today he asked me when I'd like to meet up. haha so excited! Been on a few dates with guys I met online..not felt like this about any of them. I have a good feeling about this....

 

Wouldn't say I'm completely over the neverwas...but today and the weekend has been a significant step forward. Before that I would have taken him back...now I'm seriously doubting it. Wow...what a buzz.

 

Stick in there folks....this NC rocks!

 

Rosie how are you?

 

PS. I am now visiting the dating forum as much as the 'breaking up' one. Never thought I'd reach this point a couple of months ago.

[Parsley]

Yay for you lightlight I'm really glad for you. I almost wish I would get something from him - just so I could show him that I couldn't care less!

 

Good luck with this new dude!

[Rosie007]

Day 13

 

Wow. The posts today were utterly amazing. I have so much swirling in my brain right now, but I have to sleep. I've been up for 24 hours solid. Went back to work today. Never feel asleep last night. I have such a sense of peace and protection from reading all the insightful, lovins posts.

 

Until tomorrow ... Love to all!!

 

-Rosie

[TheGetUpKid]

Day 7

 

I dont know why but I have been feeling exceptionally good lately. I had a sociolgy exam today that I was nervous about but turned at to be relatively easy. I also have an interview next monday which Im really exited about. If it goes well I may have a job waiting for me when I graduate.

 

On another note, my ex tried to contact me numerous times on saturday. First was a txt message asking if I was back home for the weekend (Our colleges are about 2 hrs aprt). Once I got the message I immediately turned off my phone because I knew call from her was calling. Sure enough when I turned my phone back on I had a voicemail from her. On top of that I get a call from her at 2 in the morning.

 

Take Care Everyone

[rsxguy520]

day 51..wow im starting to forget about this site. lol. too much stuff occupying my time now. haha

 

anyways now i promise myself i will fully commite my free time and $$$ to continuing my project. working on my car! oh yeah..its been something i have been putting on and off while i was with the ex. well now i can just work on it and make it faster and sexyier. lol. anyways, yeah my day went pretty much busy, useless busy, but still occupying time. man its true what they say, once you do fine something like a hobby, time flys and your mind is really taken away from anyway situation. so much for reading all those important threads on here. so true! well sorry to cut this short, but back to the other forum to enchance my car "knowledge".

[comfyshoes]

I posted yesterday about having passed my 30 day mark sometime in the last week and how i had mixed emotions about all of it.

i had a nightshift to get through and a lot of time to think. Yesterday was a * * * *ty day for me. I had been home to my parents and had myself a bad case of pms which always makes me feel low.

I text the ex. She had been on my mind a lot. Just a how are you doing kinda thing. She text me right back. Let me know she was ok, hoped i was ok too. She brought up the money i had said i was going to return to her (money she gave me to compensate for my airfare for my wasted trip to see her last year), told me that she was swallowing her pride and said if i was still determined to get rid of it that she needed it back. We text back and forward for a bit and i asked her if we could keep in touch casually. She told me she needed time to think about it and would let me know.

I get home form work this morning and i have a text from her saying "i have thot over your request to keep in touch. my answer is no."

 

So where do i go from here?

I have no idea. I have broken every rule in the book time after time, ignored my own advice. I feel so very sad. Blah

I'm just ranting. Why do i let this woman have such control over me? Why won't i just let her go?

I really do wish there was some magical solution. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I know that things will get better in time, i just need to hang on and wait for that time.

 

for now, a sad, lonely and heartbroken shoes

[Pisces_Princess]

Day 26........

 

Gosh, that feels really good. My ex was in the local newspaper for something he had produced for charity (he's a chocolatier). I had a little peek at the photograph and looked and looked and thought 'actually, I could do much better than you!' ha ha...he should be the one who is heartbroken, not me!!!!

 

So good to hear that everybody else is doing well.

 

Shoes,

 

I feel for you. You seem to get so far and then self-destruct. Keep your chin up babe. I think the general consensus would be to go back to NC straight away. The text messages have certainly set you back. She knows how you feel, let her come to you when she realises the grass isn't always greener.

 

Hi to Parsley,

 

How are you today Sweetie?

 

Shaker,

 

Keep us posted on your new romance, good to know that there is life after the ex!

 

Rosie,

 

How are you getting on today?

 

xxx