THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[Parsley]

Ruby - wow he's clearly already cracking! Glad to see you're all upbeat about everything! I turned into an actual pile of jelly when my ex contacted me. (I've resolidified now)

[ruby19]

Oh, I'm jelly too and very upset. My witty remarks are what I strive to be feeling but it isn't that easy. Forcing myself to stay away from the computer, the phone and my BlackBerry is painful.

 

I have to end this BS though, he's proven to be a really selfish person since the breakup and not worth my time, energy or love

[honeyspur]

Oh, I'm jelly too and very upset. My witty remarks are what I strive to be feeling but it isn't that easy. Forcing myself to stay away from the computer, the phone and my BlackBerry is painful.

 

I have to end this BS though, he's proven to be a really selfish person since the breakup and not worth my time, energy or love

 

 

Amen Ruby!!!! Fight the Power!!!!

[Parsley]

Go you! It's so horrible isn't it? All I could think is "Why isn't there a painkiller for this?! They can put man on the moon, but they can't invent a painkiller for this?!?!" You just got to fight those urges. I ended up giving the password to the email account he sent to to my friend and got her to change it. She checks it once a fortnight and has told me she won't tell me anything I shouldn't know. Took a huge weight off my mind, not having to fight myself not to check that! The phone however..eurgh. For awhile I was ok, didn't expect anything. Then after he did...it's set me back a lot. I'm a lot more suspicious of it now.

 

But anyhoo - we're here for you. Anytime! xxxx

[shadow34]

Hey Parsley

 

Hrmm never heard of that chocolate....but our cadbury easter egg chocolate is out already and its soooooooooo yummy ...

 

 

so so so so yummmmmyyy

 

hehe!

[houdini]

Hello everyone..

 

Day 7 for me and the day started out rough then got a little better but now that the night is creeping in on a rainy day in California...No pictures of my ex arround anymore, no phone calls from my ex anymore, no emails or text messages of I love you anymore....Talk about sadness and depression but there is on thing I can say...."I TRIED TILL THE VERY END" and I'm damn proud of it and she can never say that I gave up..... with that I wanted to post the lyrics of a song "Goodbye Lover" by James Blunt

 

 

Did I disappoint you or let you down?

Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?

'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,

Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.

So I took what's mine by eternal right.

Took your soul out into the night.

It may be over but it won't stop there,

I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.

You changed my life and all my goals.

And love is blind and that I knew when,

My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.

Shared your dreams and shared your bed.

I know you well, I know your smell.

I've been addicted to you.

 

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

 

I am a dreamer but when I wake,

You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.

And as you move on, remember me,

Remember us and all we used to be

I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.

I've watched you sleeping for a while.

I'd be the father of your child.

I'd spend a lifetime with you.

I know your fears and you know mine.

We've had our doubts but now we're fine,

And I love you, I swear that's true.

I cannot live without you.

 

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

 

And I still hold your hand in mine.

In mine when I'm asleep.

And I will bear my soul in time,

When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.

Goodbye my friend.

You have been the one.

You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.

I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

[boston23]

ewww, my ex txted me today. "Just wanted to say hi and hope you are doing well. Happy belated birthday..." I know he's just doing it so he can feel good that I don't think he hates me but whatev, **** him. Anyway, I started a thread on the healing section, some input would be nice hope everyones having a good night!

[mariab.]

Boston23, you are doing all right girl!! Have you seen an acupuncturist yet? Day 19 for me, had to deal w/ all his mail still coming to the house...threw away all his stuff. Cleansing. Its hard..I think about him some days all the time and I think how sad for him, he lost the best. Oh well, life goes on I guess. Hard bitter pill to swallow but we all take our vitamins right? Anyway, I have not heard from him except emails about his unemployement checks so I guess thats good!

[mariab.]

Parsley, you really keep our spirits up! keep it up!

[Shaker]

Hi Babes,

 

Great to hear you're on the mend, Boston and Parsley.

 

Houdini: Sad love songs. Yikes. A couple of weeks after my breakup I was sitting at my best friend's kitchen table, we were chatting away and listening to music. Whenever a 'love song' came on, she would press the skip button. It was so sweet--and so sad that she felt on eggshells--we both laughed until we cried.

 

A turning point? About 3 weeks later, I was walking by a gas station with Nancy Sinatra belting out about her walking boots.

 

Ruby: It's tough not responding to contact. I'm like Parsley on this: when I used to hear from my ex, I'd crumble after a day or two. This time, post challenge, I'm well-armored and not interested in engaging in conversation with him. Sounds like you've got this under control!

 

Mariab: Cleansing. I like the sounds of that. Reclaiming space. Making room for new experiences. Sounds great!

 

 

Update on me: today's around day 37. Feeling fit as a fiddle, organized, focussed, can laugh about my ex now with my friends and family that just shake their heads at me! Plus, my new romance is an absolute delight. How long does the honeymoon stage last? So far, so good...Very good!

[mariab.]

what happens when they don't call? My ex has only emailed about his checks never to see whether I am ok...it hurts...

[Shaker]

Mariab: my ex waited a loooooooong time to ask if i was okay. i'm sorry it hurts. sometimes it's hard for people post break-up to deal with more than just the bare facts; the personal and emotional stuff is confusing, and often the exes worry about sending mixed signals, or getting an earful!

[GuiltyMike]

Day 2

 

I had an okay day. There was a semi-awkward half hour or so when I had to spend time with her... I was as upbeat as I could be.

 

I think my physical weakness is taking a toll on me though. I'm going to see a doctor tomorrow or the day after. I don't let anyone see me when I'm coughing really badly -- almost gagging. It's when I eat. I can't seem to stomach food... It's also keeping me up at nights so I can't sleep so good either. =) It's midnight and I'm positively worn out!

 

I had doubts today, but I'm reading my advice about positive reinforcement like a mantra. It makes my heart feel lighter. I'm acting really silly around my friends, they wonder what happened to me. Some joke I'm doing drugs which I don't like very much... But I think I'm not overdoing it. I listen to music and I share it with everyone!

 

-michael

[Rosie007]

Day 12

 

Need to out myself. Yesterday when I went shopping I bought some incense and a pendant for love healing / drawing. When he broke up with me before New Years, I did something similar -- and it's fair to say I felt it helped draw him back to me. Mind you, I might have believed this because I'm new to the whole long-tern dating experience. I didn't understand that people break and get back together again, and that the cycle can repeat itself. That's all new to me (at the tender age of 44). Plus, that was the first time he broke up with me -- and I thought he meant it. Little did I know he'd come back for more just because I would be like a bad habit or something.

 

I don't believe in doing anything that would compel someone to do something against his/her wishes. And I understand that in terms of magic, it is strictly advised against to do love spells for a specific person.

 

What I'm not clear about is can I pray for what I want, or whom I want.

 

I've been thinking about why I want him. Why I still entertain the idea we're so right for each other "if only." I know he's not the only one. Yeah, yeah, there are all those other fish, etc., etc. I recognize that the memories of him that I hold dear, the vivid images of him, those private moments I cherish, watching him when he might not know I was watching: how he ate, how he bathed, how he readied himself in the mirror, how he slept, how he put his things away so nicely, how he made his environment his home, how he smiled, how he cooked, how he shopped, how he liked to watch TV, how he liked to sit at the computer, how he dressed or undressed ... it occurred to me that all those little things I cherish might be just as special and just as cherished -- albeit, in a different way -- if and when I'm with another. This thought is just dawning on me because I have no point of reference for this. I've never been with anyone long enough to be able to appreciate the little precious things I mentioned.

 

And I know this is going to sound like very negative thinking ... I know it for what it is, but I have to admit, it's hard for me to believe ... sometimes, (often?)... that there will be another. It took so long for me the first time around. (weeping now, as I write) Oh, but wait, I wasn't with him, per se, I was just his companion, someone to pass the time with ... he never loved me. It was only me that loved him.

 

Maybe I don't belong here. Sure, I'm getting comfort here. And I know that NC is just as important for me as it is for people who actually were with someone who loved them back. But maybe I don't belong here and, I don't know what. Not sure what I'm getting at.

 

Oh, God.

 

I started to write when I was describing the little things I can still envision about him that I recognize that I'm prolonging my agony ... my attachment to him ... by doing anything that is aimed to bring him back. Even praying. I know I have to get over this. Get over my fantasy.

 

I've always believed it's important to feel exactly how I feel. Not deny / ignore / try to suppress any feelings. Because feelings are fleeting. They can move through me. And I've also believed it's important not to entertain negative thoughts. I guess it's entertaining a negative thought to still hope. To still want him. So much.

 

I think I better go read the list of ways that he hurt me in January alone, a list I wrote before the last time we were together. That list helped me be strong then. To fight back the denial. Maybe part of the problem is I've been so isolated for so long. I been home sick for two weeks. It was even hard for me to talk on the phone because talking gave me coughing fits.

 

The good news is I'm feeling better. Well enough to go to work, I hope. My sleep schedule is wrecked. I'm staying up until the time I used to wake up. So I can anticipate I'm going to be tired and run down this week, especially tomorrow. It's already 2:00 a.m. Usually, I'm at work by 7:45. Luckily I have some flexibility in my schedule, or I do generally. Not sure how much wiggle room I have right now, having been out of the office for two weeks.

 

I'm a big believer in being honest with myself, even if the truth isn't so flattering sometimes (understatement). If I start lying to myself, then I'm sunk.

 

So, current prognosis: 1) I'm still bouncing off the walls because I love someone who so didn't care about me; someone who actively searched to find a new woman to date while he was still with me; 2) Still coughing, but not like I was; 3) I'm still 100 percent dedicated to NC; 4) I reckon it's not a good idea to do anything, even symbolically, that attempts to keep a connection with him; 5) I'm going to be tired tomorrow, first day back at work, but that's life; 6) I've got to balance rest with diversion from the madness of my unrequited love; after I see the doctor on Tuesday, if he tells me it's OK, I'll start going to the gym. Oh, yes, and I can't wait to go to a meeting. Nothing helps restore an AA to sanity like a meeting. Can't wait!

 

-Rosie

[Pisces_Princess]

Day 25 NC...

 

I really can't believe that in 5 days time I will have completed the challenge.

 

For me the motivator has been the 'challenge' element. Left to my own devices I would have just kept contacting him and driving myself (and him) crazy.

 

xxx

[GuiltyMike]

Day 3

 

It's 5:48 AM (I woke up at 4:00 AM again, I felt feverish). I keep going through desires to talk to her, to maintain NC... I don't know! I'm going to be awesome and heal though!

 

I miss her, but I'm going through every day being happy and with a song in my head~! (No not emo love songs) Ugh, I just had the thought of "She was really awesome for me, we spent every moment together!" pop into my head. I think I'm going to go back to bed.

 

-michael

[Shaker]

Pisces,

 

Have you thought about how you'll celebrate?

Do you think you'll stick with nc once the challenge is over? Why/why not?

 

Rosie,

 

"Maybe I don't belong here. Sure, I'm getting comfort here. And I know that NC is just as important for me as it is for people who actually were with someone who loved them back. But maybe I don't belong here and, I don't know what. Not sure what I'm getting at."

 

You do belong here; I was in a relationship where my ex told me he loved me, but in retrospect it was very lopsided. The challenge isn't about how much you were or weren't loved by someone else; it's about loving yourself. That's how our success is measured. And, and! you seem to be doing a fab job of thinking through things.

[Parsley]

Rosie - Shaker is absolutely right. Anytime any break up occurs, it forces you to think. Posting on here every day about progress forces you to think anymore, and you also have all of us here as sounding boards for your theories about everything, and if you're anything like me, you have a million of them floating around in your head. You do belong here, I can't even begin to calculate how much this place has helped me. I don't even want to contemplate what state I'd be in now if I hadn't found these boards and this challenge. I wouldn't have had my pride telling me that I didn't want to have to tell you all that I'd contacted him. Is there any part of you that feels like that? If anything has helped me through more than anything else it's my own pride.

 

Pisces - Not long now! I've said it before and I'll say it again, appealing to the basic human instinct to be competitive was a stroke of genius. Any plans or are you just going to sail through the day? x

 

Shadow - Aldi is one of those uber cheap shops. It's great. When I was buying that chocolate, I was stood at the till, and they were selling some cans of lager for 65p lol

 

mariab. - Thank you My aim in life

[macgyver4ever]

Day 13

 

Almost 2 weeks. Not much new. I woke up with an anxiety attack this morning. I'm still very upset with how my ex treated me and what she is doing. I don't want to be with her, but it gives me a little hope that she still has all my photos up.

 

My dog bite is healing well. My lip is still swollen and I still don't have feeling back, but it is a little better than yesterday.

 

Last night I actually had the urge to call her. Last time I didn't talk to her she thought I had given up on her. I was worried that she thought that again, but she has my number and can call me if she wants to talk.

 

I will evaluate the cell phone issue this week. I will email her with my decision. This will probably kill NC, but I have to make an exception.

 

 

Today I feel: Sad, Angry, Disappointed, Upset, and Bitter

[Shaker]

Macgyver4ever: Do you plan to go out with the dog owner again? It's almost like a date that belongs in "Something about Mary".

 

So, I've noticed at the end of your posts you list your emotional states. What's your plan to get from where you're at today to a list that looks something like: Happy, Confident, Fulfilled, Energetic, and Giving?

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Shaker,

 

Great to read about how well you are doing and even better to hear about your delightful romance. How exciting for you

 

What a good idea, hadn't thought about a celebration, but you know, I just might do that! I will be keeping NC it's my birthday on the 9th March, so I am curious to see if I get a card...If I don't then I won't be crying, I will be enjoying myself with people who love me and who deserve me in their lives.

 

The reason I will stay in NC is that I have nothing to say to him. He knows I love him, he knows I would have happily given 'us' another chance, there are no words left, I have said them all. He knows where I am if he wants me and unless he wants me back there is nothing to talk about, so it's NC for the foreseeable future.

 

To Rosie,

 

If you loved in your heart then you loved, full stop.

 

We are all here because we loved and that love has been taken away.

 

You belong here because the pain for you is just the same as for me and Shaker and Parsley and all the others.

 

Plus WE WANT YOU HERE

 

xxx

 

Hi Parsley,

 

How are you? Manchester is really sunny and bright today.

 

Yes just sailing through the day. I am not sure if it's the competitiveness or just the fact the 30 days really isn't so long and after that you are free to make contact (although I wonder how many do? I know I won't!) I think I need more than 30 days to heal, but if it had been the 60 day or 100 day challenge I would never have taken it, but this is do-able and it gives you some control in a situation that is generally out of your control.

 

I realised that the loss of control was one of the most crushing and devastating aspects of my break-up, this has given me some control back and a little self-respect too xxx

[honeyspur]

Hey Pisces - great post.

You definitely need to celebrate your completing the challenge.

In fact, it is sound advice to always celebrate any accomplishment. From cleaning a room in your house to overcoming a fear of flying - no accomplishment is too great or small. Being able and willing to reward yourself often for good behavior, is how we continue the growth our parents/guardian started us on.

 

Hey - I'm ready for the next success story - keep going everybody! This is inspirational stuff - and you're all the cause of it!

[Parsley]

Hey Pisces - Medway is cloudy, get a bit of sun every so often, but it's still a bit nippy!

 

Looking back 30 days doesn't seem that long at all does it? At the time it seems like the longest time in the world, but now it seems like nothing.

 

I just realised that tomorrow will be 2 months since he dumped me and...hm. Feels a bit bizarre really. I realised almost instantly that there was no way I could still love him. It may feel like it...but when I love someone I trust them with everything I am and respect and look up to them. What I was feeling wasn't love anymore it was like a shadow of it. It seems true that you don't realise how much you love someone until they don't love you. I didn't really realise just how strongly I felt for him until I had to face the inequalities...you know? Him doing everything he did made me look at our whole relationship, and it was obvious that I'd felt a lot more for him than he had for me. Which is sad, but nevermind, I shall just keep trying to (truly) accept that and maybe next time I won't leap in with both feet.

 

You know what I found myself thinking earlier? "I wish there was someone I could even consider rebounding on" It's like...I don't want to actually get into a relationship now, but I just want there to be someone I fancy to reassure myself that my heart still works, despite having been broken.

[honeyspur]

Wow - I mean - WOW ! What brilliance. Thank you Parsley, for this post.

The clarity and calmness in you is very clear, here. You have changed greatly from your first post and I hope you are feeling it - and I think you might want to do some celebrating just for this fact alone.

Too bad we all live so far apart - we could all have one hell of a party, don't you think?

 

 

 

 

Thank god for Superdave and his challenge because it is absolutely amazing the transformations I see happening.

I am so proud (a wee sniflle) - you're all doing so well.

 

I love how through these painful days, the whole person slowly comes back out of hiding.

My questions to everyone, not just our success stories:

How much of your identity was lost to the ex? How have you improved because of this break-up?

 

Thanks everyone - let's make it through another day!

[Pisces_Princess]

Hi Parsley,

 

I hate to say this, because age is no indicator, but you are so young. Many men will come along that will make your heart beat a little faster and you will make some lucky young man's heart beater faster in return.

 

As for me I am 35 in a few days and I thought I had met my soul mate. I had waited a long time to meet somebdoy like him and thought that at last my wait was over. I can't imagine being with anybody else right now, but I know from experience that I will evetually and it will be good.

 

I am like you. I loved my ex completely and put everything in to the relationship, when he left me I just felt that my love wasn't good enough and that I wasn't good enough. You try your best and it still isn't enough.

 

It's been 4 months since he asked me to leave, we had a few dates after that but he finally ended in on November 20th. I wish I had started NC straight away, but I hadn't even heard of it! I just cried and begged and pleaded and begged again and did more crying. I thought the harder I pushed the more likely he would come back to me, of course it didn't work.

 

When my ex and I had our last conversation, I told him that I would never trust anybody with my heart again. I know I will though and you will too. Never love half-heartedly or else it's not worth loving at all xxx