kate111 Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 21 days It hurts so much that he hasn't contacted me. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted February 20, 2007 Author Share Posted February 20, 2007 KATE111, Don't make me fly to England and duct tape you down to the floor!!! NC is for you!! STOP wasting your thoughts on visions of him. You must LET GO!!!! Ya have to sweetness.....We are all here to catch you when ya finally do We care about you and want you to heal.... Stay strong! -SuperDave71 Link to comment
ahhh2jz Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Shaker! congrats! we're proud of you. Now keep going! We're all going to make it! Link to comment
kate111 Posted February 20, 2007 Share Posted February 20, 2007 Thanks Superdave. You make me feel better. I need to contact mine at some point to discuss the apartment. Is it best to phone or email? Link to comment
boston23 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Day 30!!!! Woohoo!!!! I just read my old posts and wow...I've come a long way. Even though I am still definitely in the middle of healing, it's great to recognize the huge progress that I've made. Reading my first posts on this thread made me recognize how difficult NC has been for me, but it was great to be able to have the challenge there to make sure that I didn't keep breaking NC. I didn't realize that I had actually restarted the challenge a couple of times. I guess that I just needed to find out that breaking NC does not help, and it really does set back the healing process. For a while, the only reason that I didn't break NC was the challenge. There were times in the gym that the only reason that I didn't stop working out and walk up to his apartment was because I wasn't willing to go back to Day 1. Now I feel like I can keep going without that. Today wasn't the greatest day for me in terms of how I feel about everything (likely because I have a test tomorrow and stressing about my ex tends to come out when I have other things I could be stressed about), but I've learned that getting over all of this is a process. I can feel over everything and I can feel upset about it, but what's really important is that I know that without a doubt that I will get over this and I know that I've already become such a stronger person than I ever would have been without having gone through these past couple of months. I learned that I need to listen to myself more than I was willing to before. I need to do what actuallly feels right to me, not what I think other people want me to do. My choices in life should be about what is good for me. Since I've always been really tough on myself about things (I had been told that before, but hadn't really been able to recognize it until this whole process), I've learned that for me it shows strength when I can admit to others that I'm having a tough time with things and that I need some help. It's been a humbling experience, but it was something that I needed to learn in order to mature and become a better person. So I'm done counting the days and I'm going to keep living my life as I continue to grow through this process. And I'm going to keep posting here, because even though I reached 30, this is still a challenge for me Thanks everyone for all the wonderful support you've given me!! Shaker: Congrats to you! It's been nice to have you on the same day as me Link to comment
Shaker Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Boston: Yay! Congrats on making it through the challenge. So happy to read your post, and yes, you've come a long way, baby! I complete agree that this process is humbling at first...but I'm encouraged by your strength. Link to comment
rsxguy520 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 finishing day 45...seriously the ex's bf is getting super annoying. first he captions on myspace he knows the building where i used to dorm...pretty scary...stalker status..then he continues to call me!?!? are you serious? how long am i going to go through this? forever?!?! man i swear i need to go to cingular tomorrow and pay that fee and change my damn phone number. when will fake gangsters grow up!? Link to comment
Rosie007 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Congratulations, Boston. I'm soooo happy for you. You've been a great source of inspiration and kindness over the past week, and I'm truly grateful you were here when I arrived. As you can imagine, the following leaped out at me when I read your post: Since I've always been really tough on myself about things (I had been told that before, but hadn't really been able to recognize it until this whole process), I've learned that for me it shows strength when I can admit to others that I'm having a tough time with things and that I need some help. It's been a humbling experience, but it was something that I needed to learn in order to mature and become a better person. Thanks for oh-so-gently reminding me to go easy on myself. That's such an important thing, and something that seems to go right out the window when I'm off center. I had a really rough day today with thoughts about the Neverwas. I couldn't believe how much pain and sadness overwhelmed me, and it kept coming in waves. And the worst part of it was, I was missing him so badly, despite good memories always led me to bad memories. And I was really attacking myself for being with this man and daring to love because of the way it eventually ended, not to mention the trouble spots along the way. In AA we have something called a sponsor. Generally, a sponsor is a sober person who has more time than the sponsee, and can be counted on to share his or her experience, strength, and hope. In the past ten years my sponsor has become one of my best friends, whom I love very much and really trust. Similar to the way you, Boston, have reminded me to be gentle with myself and honor my own path and self-expression, my sponsor was quick to point out how hard I was being on myself today. My sponsor knows that my relationship with the Neverwas was the first significant relationship with a man in my adult life. Very lovingly she pointed out to me that I wasn't a fool to have taken a risk, taken the chance to love somebody. I can't control his feelings. But she actually made me feel proud that I've really done it, I took a leap of faith, not knowing where I would land, and loved/love to the best of my ability this person, whom I've said disparaging things about here, but would really be selling myself and my experience short if I only talked of the situation in terms of the negative. I've learned so many things in the past seven months. And I do believe 100 percent with all my heart that it wasn't the wrong thing to do. How can I learn to love unless I actually try? I'm reminded of one of my favorite lines from "The Picture of Dorian Gray" by Oscar Wilde, who wrote, "She was usually in love with somebody, and, as her passion was never returned, she had kept all her illusions." I have a bookmark to a site that features quotes by Mr. Rogers. For those of you unfamiliar with "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood," he hosted for decades an American TV show geared for young children. It was kind of hokey and repetitive -- you could always count on Mr. Rogers to be reliable and predictable -- but it was so sweet and gentle, and the overall message was "you're special." The Mr. Rogers quote that leaped out at me this evening was ... Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like "struggle." To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now--and to go on caring even through times that may bring us pain. Perhaps that quote is contrary to our goal here: letting go. But I'm thinking that part of my letting-go process might be to accept the Neverwas ... who I think I should proclaim as "my Ex" because that's who he is (although I think the Neverwas is more poetic). And it's important for me to consider who he is, where he is ... see the situation for what it was ... striving not to beat myself up for being human and loving, albeit imperfectly. I guess I could say, it was fun while it lasted, until it was fun anymore. Or, more accurately, until he didn't want our relationship anymore, which forced me to have to let go. In AA I've learned to be conscious of rationalilzation and justification; i.e., how am I shaping the facts to protect myself from the truth, and so I'm going to think about what I've written, see if it feels like my truth, and adjust my ideas accordingly. I say all this because it would be a lie to say I don't love him still, I don't want him still. But because of my NC commitment, and how important I believe it is to take care of myself, heal, and get on with my life, I'm just going to own my feelings, accept them for whatever they are, but not act on them. I might love him and want him, but I'm not going to contact my ex, Rex, the Neverwas. That's my primary purpose these days. Here are two more Mr. Rogers quotes. They both remind me of the beautiful thing were all doing here together. The second quote has stayed with me for a long time. Feelings are "mentionable," and whatever is "mentionable" can be more manageable. Whether we're children or adults, adding to our emotional vocabulary can often add to our ability to cope with what we're feeling. Using words to describe what's inside helps remind us that what we're experiencing is human...and mentioning our feelings to others can make those feelings more manageable. When I was a child and would see scary things on the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping." Thank you to all the helpers ... for making this difficult, heart-wrenching time more manageable. -Rosie p.s. Oatmeal ... how much do I love the badger you're using. That's one of my favorite things ever. When I go home to PA, my four-year-old niece wants me to show her the badgers video. And she watches it just like me ... over and over again. Welcome aboard! Link to comment
Pisces_Princess Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Day 20 NC (Can hardly believe I have lasted so long!) So happy for you Shaker, you have been my inspiration throughout this. You have always made me question my pangs of neediness and given me some great ideas about filling my time, especially when faced with the daunting task of living alone again. You deserve every happiness and I hope you will keep posting... Congratulations to you too Boston, you have come a very long way since your initial posts. Oh well 10 more days and I too will be hitting my 30 day target!!!! xxx Link to comment
GoSox07 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Well, I've been NC for six days now, so I thought I'd officially join the party. Right now, 30 days seems daunting, but if everyone else can do it.... Congrats to everyone who's made it, it sounds like you are all doing much better than at the beginning. Thanks SuperDave! Link to comment
light bulb Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I'm on day two. She emailed me, texted me 2x, and tried to call me (in that order) yesterday. None of which I responded to although I really wanted to give her a big eff you after the last text. The email was her reminding me how insecure she is and how she used to use me as her scapegoat. The first text was to no doubt get a response that would inflate her ego. It talked of how she misses me and how we had good times. Right. Without responding, I guess she couldn't take it anymore and late at night while I was sleeping she sent me a nasty next message about how I'm going to forget about her and that its not cool. She's the one that wanted nc, no boundaries, and is seeing someone else and now I'm not being cool? GRRRRRRR, she is so selfish and narrow-minded.](*,) Today is going to be a breeze. Link to comment
macgyver4ever Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Day 8 I don't know if this counts, but I talked to one of her close friends online last night. I wanted to ask her a question about my ex, but not about how she was doing. Just a question about her past. I didn't say anything I would regret, I don't think....... I'm not too proud I'm reading a girls book, "It's Called a Break-up because It's Broken." It's helping me through this time, and is helping me realize why we shouldn't be together, or at least why I should never go back to her. I realized last night that since the break up I have been trying to make excuses for my ex as to why she has been acting this way. I went through a handful of different theories, all of which could take the blame away from her and give me a reason to forgive her. Last night I decided it was her fault, not mine, not someone else's, it was her fault. She found another guy. Maybe I pushed her away so that she felt she needed someone else, but it was her decision to leave me, and to push me out of her life. Today I feel: Sad, angry, depressed, disappointed, and alone. Link to comment
light bulb Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Its not even worth putting the blame on anyone. Just realize things didn't work - THAT'S IT. Its time to simply accept things for what they are and better your sense of self. You're not alone though. You are NEVER alone. Link to comment
Scrembledeggs Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Day 7 No Contact for me ...haven't spoken to or heard from the ex since my ill advised call last Wednesday Night (which didn't end well and left me in a much worse mood). Have been feeling better over the weekend and this week so far (ups and downs, y'know?) but today I just have that feeling at the pit of my stomech all over again, feeling restless, didn't sleep well last night, overall discontent. Can't focus on work. Just keep going back to thoughts I should not be having (Why hasn't she called; I'm sure she's met someone else; Is she happier now; Will she ever call; memories of better times / why did it all change; all that annoying useless BS). SO...instead of falling to the temptation of checking Facebook or AIM or anything like that, I'm posting here to get my thoughts out a little bit. I've had hints (entire days, even) in the last 3 weeks that things are getting better, that I'll get over this no problem. Then something inside of me snaps back and I'm almost back where I started. 3 1/2 more weeks just seems like a loooong time... Link to comment
Semid Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 I feel better than the last week and the week before, and the week before. Today I was able to tell jokes at job, and smile. It's been a nice day today. One of his friends sent me an email with a power point file (no words, just the file), and I did not send anything in return. They know we have had a break-up, what less than a "how are you doing"?. Link to comment
ahhh2jz Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Day 48 NC - I have been extremely busy with the gym of course and all of my friends are hanging out now; I don't have that much time to sit around and ponder about anything, which is fine by me! Time seems to be picking up and not going at a snail's pace like it's done before. Hang in there everyone Link to comment
Parsley Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Another good day, barely thought about my ex, because I spent the wiole time with my brother, sister and nephew! We fed the ducks, went to the park, and then went to Toys R Us, where I saw this picture, and couldn't resist, Wonder if you can guess what it is lol Dreamt about him contacting me last night - it was great cause in my dream I was all..."talk to the elbow, you're not worth the extension" which made me happy Going for a 'chat' with the headteacher at one of the schools I may get a job at tomorrow. Cannot wait to be out of my house! This one is to be a receptionist - the other would be as a nursery assitant. I'd much rather do the latter, but either one is good. Shaker and Boston - I'm deliriously happy for you two. Some days I've seen you and wanted nothing more than to hop on a plane and hug you till you say "er...yeah...let go now." and others I've read your posts and taken strength from them. I'm so pleased that you've got to this milestone, and know that you're going to be fine - better than fine - fantastic! Link to comment
Shaker Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Pisces: Thanks so much. You've been such a support to me as well, and I really appreciate your sense of community and commitment to improving your life. Egyptian cotton. I mean, come on! Parsley: The bag is funny. Wink, wink. Nudge, nudge. Say no more. (Yep: Monty Python). Glad to hear you've been feeding ducks. I've been enjoying walking around a duck pond myself lately. Good for contemplation. It's warmer today than it has been, so there are other sorts of birds around as well that I haven't seen for a while. It's nice to recognize animal life, and hear birdsong! (Better than the pigeons that used to wake me up....) Deborita: Glad to hear you're doing so well. Hang tight! Scrembledeggs: I know what you mean about the restlessness. A crazy thing that I did that really helped was to create rituals. Make a big cup of tea and leave off work until I had finished it. I bought small candles that took about 10 minutes to burn out, and when I was really edgy, I'd light one and take the time to rest and think and be as still emotionally/mentally as possible. Letting myself be (instead of worrying about my ex or all the things I had to or should be doing) was a saving grace. Yep. So that's my advice. Consider making wacky rituals, or just give yourself permission to be still. Link to comment
rsxguy520 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 day 46...man the ex's b/f just doesn't know when to stop. now its got the point where my dad wants to talk to this guy, for all the harassing calls. its so irritating!! err!! i swear im trying to be and i will be the better man out of this. seriously this guy is stalker status. woke up this morning to 6 constant calls from this guy..it ridiculous. now my pops is to the point were we now we don't need this in our life and we want this crap to end already..man this guy seriously trys and trys..he so deteremine he should apply it to something else rather than me. seriously a waste of time... i hope one day this guy will ask himself why he bother to do this????? well as for my day its ok, but im beginning to feel a bit paranoid now feeling like this guy is behind my back..yeah scary feeling.. its like 98% close to where i want to file a restraining order on him. im sorry but if i can't feel safe, then i got to make some legal actions.. Link to comment
boston23 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Hi everyone So...I'm feeling good today. I had my exam which went fine. I definitely feel like my life is starting to really make sense to me again. Before, I thought I knew everything I wanted, and now I realize that I don't at all, and that's what makes sense. I don't need to have all the answers and it's nice to recognize that. I'm calling my ex's sister and talk to her about the wedding (the fact that I won't be in it) as soon as I figure out what to say. I want to honest and true to what I know/feel, and I also want to be kind to my ex and his sister (who I love). On the one hand, I think it would be easier to just blame my ex when I talk to his sister, but that wouldn't feel good to me. So I'll have to think it over a little. I've spent thinking about this conversation 5000x more than it will take. I just need to contemplate it and then just do it (finally). Thanks for all the notes on me finishing my 30 days. You guys have been (and continue to be) such an inspiration for me, as well as offering such great advice and support. It's been so nice to have you with me. rsxguy: Get a restraining order on this guy, he's gone way beyond ridiculous. At the very least, talk to the police about it. They have tons of experience with this stuff and can give you some advice at least. Also, you might want to start a log book about the contact (with dates, etc) that he has with you. That can be really really helpful down the road (my mom's a lawyer and always tells people to do that). Good luck with all of this! Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 I say...everyone that COMPLETES the challange successfully owes me DINNER!! WOO HOOO HA HA HA HA....well it sounded like a great idea. *sigh* I will crawl back under my rock until I am needed again. -SuperDave71 Link to comment
vimora Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Sigh...okay, here we go. NC day 1 (see post in healing "I guess this is NC day 1...dumpee). The gist: was dumped yesterday. I need you guys!! Running on a thin line of control here. Link to comment
SuperDave71 Posted February 21, 2007 Author Share Posted February 21, 2007 Vimora...Hey there and welcome to my challenge. May I ask what happened?Your in good hands...I am sorry you are feeling down....we can help you!-SuperDave71 Link to comment
kate111 Posted February 21, 2007 Share Posted February 21, 2007 Day 22. Still feel like crap. Link to comment
Rosie007 Posted February 22, 2007 Share Posted February 22, 2007 Day 8 Still coughing. Still missing him. Fighting the urge to look at pictures of him. Link to comment
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