THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE - SuperDave71

[HurtOkie]

I don't know what's going to happen. I still miss her, still have feelings for her. She hasn't contacted me, but she's talking to all of our mutual friends. In talking to a therapist, I found several indicators that she does have feelings for me but for some reason has turned analytical and doesn't want a relationship with me. I know some of this is about her pending divorce, but if that was all of it then why not just tell me. I've even wondered if this was one of the tests she told me would be coming. A test to see if I was another bad decision like her past men or to see if I was a danger to her and her kids. I don't know. This time has allowed me to see that the 'strong feelings' I've had for her is actually love. Which is a long way for me, since I couldn't even say those words after my divorce two years ago. Great timing I guess. Still no contact with her. Which is why I think she's emailing everyone we know.

HurtOkie

[DavidWRosario]

Wish my heart was in this.

 

I'll just keep acting as if, I guess.

 

I am with you rosie, been separated 6 months in 8 more days. Cant seem to explain to my heart its over. I can simpathize. Many here say it will get better, I hope they are right. Dont see how. Wishing you well.

 

David

[Rosie007]

I am with you rosie, been separated 6 months in 8 more days. Cant seem to explain to my heart its over. I can simpathize. Many here say it will get better, I hope they are right. Dont see how. Wishing you well.

 

David

 

Thanks, David. It's so hard.

 

Called him last night. Left a message of apology. When we broke off, I sent two scathing e-mails, something I've not done before (at least I don't think so). Now I plan to go NC just so I don't torture the guy. Whatever it takes, I guess.

 

Oh, and I prayed to the Goddess last night to give me the courage and fortitude to do what I need to do. This was before I called. I believe the call was the right thing to do. I also believe I need to stop contacting him now. I've never had him ignore me before, and so obviously he needs his space, either because I hurt, offended, or angered him; or because he's trying to make a clean break of it once and for all. Either way, the message is for me to back off.

[ccali78]

Day 2

 

I really want to do it this time... I hate cell phones. I wish they were never invented LOL... Doing better than yesterday. It is just hard loosing what I call a friend. I do not open up to many people so I do not talk to many people. I need to work on that!!!

 

It will be 6 months in 2 days since we broke up and 4 days since I last saw him. These numbers will grow as I am determined...

[hulk7280]

Day 2

 

I really want to do it this time... I hate cell phones. I wish they were never invented LOL... Doing better than yesterday. It is just hard loosing what I call a friend. I do not open up to many people so I do not talk to many people. I need to work on that!!!

 

It will be 6 months in 2 days since we broke up and 4 days since I last saw him. These numbers will grow as I am determined...

 

I deleted her number, so i can't call her even if i wanted too We will have been broken up for two weeks tomorrow.. i miss her so much

[WadeCure]

Day 22

 

Got contacted by the ex... well not really. But she passed along information to me through my friend. She passed along about the job openings that my company is having in the area that I am thinking about going to. I wish my friend never told me this. When I asked him where he heard it he said, "Irene's (that's her Mother) daughter wanted me to pass it to you." At which point I was like @#$%. I knew then and there my overanalytical brain would kick in. Sure enough it did. "oh boy she's thinking of me! she wants me to be in the area! oh boy!" My logical brain says that's all bull so I'm not giving into that. I just prayed that I could stop overanalyzing and ignore this. Right now I'm in an okay state of mind. I wonder if I should call my friend back and tell him again, "remember she doesn't exist, if she passes along stuff to me, don't tell me it's from her, and don't be coy and say "Irene's daughter."" Just say something else, anything. 8 more days left on this challenge, and today marks the one month since we last had our face to face confrontation in which I was rejected. Guess I'm doing fine. I really want to move on.

[Tshwane]

@Rosie007 - don't worry just keep trying.

 

if you search my name in this very post, i did and completed 2 day 30's initially, went back re-did till day 60, broke it and had to start again. Now im healed.

 

Im sure you don't want to waste time like i did, so please try harder. It get's easier the longer you hold out from contact.

[Ixtapa]

I was doing really fine until yesterday....for some reason I can't stop thinking of him right now, and I miss him

[Stelinha]

just checking in to say I'm still hanging in there on day 5 of this difficult challenge.

Interesting to hear other people's experiences here on enotalone of trying the whole NC thing and also very inspiring to see those like Tshwane who suffered from some setbacks but got through it in the end.

It's also interesting to read Ixtapa's and that it can still be hard after 23 days. I just think you've already achived so much.

Rosie007, can't say I'm any sort of authority on NC (considering it's day 5!) but I also found it really hard to break off that contact with my ex. I was always wondering what he was thinking about me? looking back on mistakes I made and mean things I said to me I always convinced myself that I needed to contact him and appologise. I also thought I could influence his thoughts about me by doing and saying certain things when all I needed to do for myself was to let go.

I realise now you can't control people but I tried to control his feelings towards me thinking that if I said this or that maybe he'd love me again All I should have done was let go.

We sort of became friends but the contact became very one sided with me making all the effort. I still contacted him wanting to share my life and I really wanted him to contact me.

After a while I felt it was all one sided and came to the conclusion that he didn't really want to contact me but only did so, rarely, out of guilt or pity (or who knows what other reasons but it didn't feel, to me, as if he really enjoyed or wanted to).

I realise now the fact I satyed in contact after the relationship I never really healed and so I still haven't healed after all this time.

Each time I contact him (kidding myself it doesn't matter that he doesn't respond) I feel terrible afterwards because the silence confrims in my mind that he really doesn't value me or respect me enough to reply.

I know, deep down, the only reason I have contacted 'as a friend' for as long as I have is because I've been harbouring a secret desire that my contact would somehow convince him how great and funny I am and what he is missing! ( and how shameful to admitt this! to beg for me to go back to him! but I now can see clearly that was totally contact for the wrong reasons to contact him because it was always contact with some sort of expectations.

That is my reason for this 30 days. I'm congratulating myself for each day because I'm doing it for myself to heal that wound.

I'm doing it for me.

Maybe one day I can be friends and not feel romantic feelings towards him anymore but I can't see that happening until after a (very) long time and that is why I wanted to commit NC.

I think I also deserve a friend who values me enough to bother to make some kind of effort to contact me! otherwise they aren't really a friend of mine.

[ccali78]

I wish I could forget his cell phone # after 5 years I have it memorized. Maybe one day I will forget it. But who am I kidding. I remember my grandmothers phone # from when and I called him more often... Wouldnt it be nice if he would change his number LOL...

[Jay_Bird]

um this is day 22

 

 

everday I'm feeling the old me again

 

the desire to see her,to talk to her is leaving..............

 

I want to encourage all the people at day 1 and at the begenning

 

I know you in pain,and I know it hurts

 

but this stuff really make you a stronger person,it really is a lesson

 

trust me,all this pain you going through is making way for the best relationship you will ever have in your life

 

you can't help but to know what to do the next time

 

so don't give up hope

 

let that person go,and enjoy your days

 

do as much as possible,keep busy

[Stelinha]

Made it to day 6.

 

I liked Jaybird's post which gives me hope, I do hope the urge to make contact will go. I also hope I'll stop caring whether or when he contacts me too!!Want to feel the old me again and not like some neurotic.

[DavidWRosario]

Thanks, David. It's so hard.

 

Called him last night. Left a message of apology. When we broke off, I sent two scathing e-mails, something I've not done before (at least I don't think so). Now I plan to go NC just so I don't torture the guy. Whatever it takes, I guess.

 

Oh, and I prayed to the Goddess last night to give me the courage and fortitude to do what I need to do. This was before I called. I believe the call was the right thing to do. I also believe I need to stop contacting him now. I've never had him ignore me before, and so obviously he needs his space, either because I hurt, offended, or angered him; or because he's trying to make a clean break of it once and for all. Either way, the message is for me to back off.

 

You know I think NC is like forgiveness, It is not for the other person, its for you. It changes how you percive things. In my case we have two wonderful children and maintain some sort of LC. The relationship no longer comes up at all. I am trying to even see her less and less. I know she is bitter, but she is the one who thru away a 20 year life. I have forgiven her, The relationship is NC and as time goes on, she will be a person I pass by in the world. My heart argues daily, pangs of pain and sorrow are unmerciful. I never knew a 43 year old strong man could cry so much. I have cried more in the last few months than I have cried in my entire life.

 

Give yourself some Grace and mercy, accept what you can. Dont try to make it day by day. I started at moment by moment. I am up to hour by hour now. Some day day by day and on from there.

 

God has a plan to bring hope and a future to all our live. Somehow this situation will bring God Glory. I dont know how and cant even imagine how. All I know that if suffering for my God is what I must do then I will do it. But sometimes the pain is so much I cant see how I can bear anymore.

 

Pray for Peace and understanding. Ask for wisdom.

 

This to shall pass

 

David

[ccali78]

Today is Day 3!!

 

I am so proud of myself. I still do not want him back as a boyfriend. I just miss him as a friend... I wish there was a switch you could hit that would make it easier to be friends. I guess that comes with time and patience

[WadeCure]

Day 23

 

Wow... just wow. Unbelievable.

 

After yesterday's bruhaha with "Irene's daughter," I decided to call my friend back and tell him that I would appreciate if there were no more mentions of her, not even in a coy way like that. I didn't get a hold of him, but I did get a hold of another friend of mine. His advice was the same, "tell him not to tell you anything about her, no information whatsoever." RIGHT AFTER he said that, guess what happened? This friend who just told me this, GAVE ME MORE INFORMATION. The information I got was... wow. Holy moly. I posted a while back here on ENA about my ex being accused of cheating on me. I don't remember specifically what I wrote but there was a person involved in this who divulged the cheating info to me, her ex-best friend. My ex's ex-best friend is, to put it very bluntly, a scumbag - not a good person whatsoever in the least. Nonetheless, after that whole fiasco my ex and her ex-best friend had a unbelievable falling out. After the falling out, my ex would tell me every horrible scummy thing her ex-best friend did, insisted and agreed she was a scumbag, etc etc. After my ex and I broke up this last time, my friend and I speculated as to what would happen to my ex. I said she would move back home. He said her and her ex-best friend would start hanging out again. "NO" I thought, "surely this wouldn't happen after all of that, after she was accused of cheating by this person, after all the scumbag things this person did, etc." Well... my friend told me yesterday THEY ARE HANGING OUT AGAIN. Unbelievable. I'm blown away. Immediately the logical side of me says, "she has made a colossal downgrade, she went the (unbelievably) low road while I took the high road, i am way better off without her." But still, being in NC (that means total no information), my heart broke. I have a battle with my mind vs. my heart. My mind knows that I'm better off without her, but my heart misses her and wish she wasn't this way. After the conversation I cried and called two good friends of mine who gave me great spiritual counseling. I called my friend back and although he great intentions by telling me this (and yes, I am most definitely better off and this is an insurmountable roadblock to her getting me back if in the unlikely case she ever was to want me back someday) I told him no more information about it. He was okay with it and understood. Now I know in my mind that I'm far better off without my ex. The hard part is making my heart align with my head. All I know to do is pray.

[Dani0613]

Day 17

 

I wish I would JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT HER..

[Jay_Bird]

Day 23

 

I'm feeling so good,that I know I will go longer then a month

 

everyday the weight is lifting off of me,my confidence is coming back with a venegence

 

you guys got to make it to day 23,its bad ass,I'm telling you

[SuperDave71]

All I have to say is that you are all amazing for taking my challenge. I know first hand how difficult it can be and to see you guys help one another is simply awe inspiring.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

[hulk7280]

Day 17

 

I wish I would JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT HER..

 

dont we all

[challenge]

SuperDave, this is day 9 of my challenge, and so far so miserable.. I just read to the part in the forums where you say NEVER NEVER announce NC. I started out by telling my ex this, and now she says she will leave me be "to heal". Did I just screw this up? I said I wanted to talk to her but I couldn't just be friends with somebody I'm in love with. Too much information? I really want to contact her, we still have to settle some things, and I know she still loves me and wants to be friends. Maybe it's fine to start the challenge over since I already blew it from the start...

[SuperDave71]

Challenge,

 

Hello there. Depending on HOW you are using NC is the biggest obstacle you will face. If you are using NC to "win them back" you will fail. No matter how much time passes, you will fail. You never announce NC because if you do, this gives your ex a reason why you are not communicating thereforee it will NOT be expected.

 

I learned to become a DO'er. Not a talker. Talk is cheap and I know you are hurting but you have to get through this. There are those on this foum taking my challenge in hopes of having the ex miss them. Sure it may happen though the reunion will be short lasted. If you do not fix and heal your heat, you will be unable to accept the new love that someone, even your ex is will to give you.

 

How can you love with a broken heart? You can't. It's as if you want to ride a bike without tires. You can try, but you will ineveitably fail due to lack or reasoning.

 

 

Stop trying to use the challenge to win your ex back. Talking to an ex does NOT bring them back....LOVE does. Ever heard a guilty person trying to prove how innocent they are? They end up looking so foolish they give up. Don't let this be you. You can do this. This thread alone is filled with thousands that have made it. Read the stories and mistakes of those that did try and fail but kept on going.

 

Don't give up.

 

 

Listen to the words of Proverbs Chapter 4 verse 23:

 

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do."

 

 

You will be fine. You have my word.

 

 

Your Friend,

 

SuperDave71

[Rosie007]

@Rosie007 - don't worry just keep trying.

 

if you search my name in this very post, i did and completed 2 day 30's initially, went back re-did till day 60, broke it and had to start again. Now im healed.

 

Im sure you don't want to waste time like i did, so please try harder. It get's easier the longer you hold out from contact.

 

 

Oddly enough, I thought of you and your encouragement, and how I was going to be embarrassed for you to see that yesterday I ended up back at Day 1. Your compassionate words mean a lot, Tshwane.

[Rosie007]

Rosie007, can't say I'm any sort of authority on NC (considering it's day 5!) but I also found it really hard to break off that contact with my ex. I was always wondering what he was thinking about me? looking back on mistakes I made and mean things I said to me I always convinced myself that I needed to contact him and appologise. I also thought I could influence his thoughts about me by doing and saying certain things when all I needed to do for myself was to let go.

I realise now you can't control people but I tried to control his feelings towards me thinking that if I said this or that maybe he'd love me again All I should have done was let go.

 

 

Your words sound eerily familiar, Stelinha. Makes me think I'm sure doing a lot of rationalization and justification, instead of what I need to do: Let him go.

 

Thanks for reaching out.

[Rosie007]

WOW. I'm absolutely blown away by all this support from everyone. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

 

Nice analogy, David, about how NC is similar to forgiveness.

 

I've been saying the Serenity Prayer over and over ...

 

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

And wisdom to know the difference.

 

(To which I add, "Thy will, though mine.")

 

I'm touched and sadly all too familiar with the pain you describe. I guess the bright side is we're so blessed to have ENA and the kindness of strangers as we try to make it through such a *heartbreaking* time.

 

Peace to you, too, David.

[Rosie007]

In the wave of gratitude I'm feeling at so much support, I almost forgot to write my day count.