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challenge

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  1. challenge
    I don't recall the last time I wrote on this site. I remember being sad, distraught, lonely, and suicidal. I can't say I don't still feel those emotions on some level, but they are more compartmentalized now. I wanted to share my take on the Challenge, what I've experienced and learned so far. I'm glad I found this site, because it gave me the strength to resist the urges that would have completely robbed me of any dignity I still have. However, I'm glad that I not only broke the NC rule, but also all the rules for "getting back together". You see, you and I were broken up with for a reason. There is a lesson buried underneath all of this. I heard many justifications for why my girlfriend threw me away, but she never gave me an ultimate reason why she didn't want me. There was no other lover, no urgent force. She just rejected me, as a person. I'm sure there were other reasons why it was convenient for her. But I'm digressing from my point. I broke No Contact to let her know I had some of her stuff. When she came in, she broke down, confused, questioning her own decision. I took advice from a friend, and gave an ultimatum- You can't leave me in limbo, you have to make a decision. She chose nothing over me. By forcing her to choose, I forced her to set me free. Pining for your ex is self-imprisonment. My life has gone to hell since she left, mostly as a result of the effects of her leaving. I've lost her, my home, my money, and soon my job. But at least I'm free, in mind and body. I won't try to contact her, I'll try not to hate her, and I'll never become dependent on another person. Lesson learned. I know I will end up a stronger person when I repair my shambled life. It will be a rough journey, but I'm getting tougher.
  2. challenge
    I can't believe its been over 70 days since she dumped me. It feels like yesterday, and the days since are like a bad dream. 70 days in hell, but I don't think about her much anymore, because I have so many other problems in life now. I put myself in this position by depending on one person for my stability and happiness. I was so lucky to have her, to spend time with her, life will be miserable without her presense. Now I just cherish the good memories, and am thankful for what I once had. For my own sanity I can't see her again, but I will be pleasant if she contacts me. I love her so much but I have to let her go. This is the most unbearable experience of my life, nothing else compares to being left by the one you love. I understand the importance of no contact now- I may have ruined my chances completely with her by seeing her before I was healed. You just say things you shouldn't, it's inevitable. You can't make a terrible mistake if you do nothing at all. Although false hope is also dangerous, so take the advice with a grain of salt. I'd say at this point separation does make the heart grow fonder. I really love her and hope she ends up happy. If not with me then somebody else. On with my own life.
  3. challenge
    Day 1, a hard Day 1. OK guys, I need some advice here, because I don't know how to feel right now. She stopped by my house again and came in sobbing. She finally said that whenever she sees me she feels like she made a mistake in leaving. I foolishly gave her an ultimatum in response, out of impatience, and said that I'm in limbo here, and she has to either decide whether she wants to be with me or not. She said she wanted to wait until she moves then start dating again, but if she has to choose now she chooses not to. Awkward from then until she leaves. Of course I call her up when she leaves and apologize for pressuring her and not giving her space, ect. She said she knows exactly how I feel, was understanding. Why must I compound mistakes.. So, did I ruin any chance by giving an ultimatum? Is her confusion a sign of hope? Should I disappear from her life for a while? Clearly neither of us has healed, but I want to revive the relationship, and apparently so does she. By the way she visited me because I initiated LC and she had the urge to see me once the contact started. I should probably lay off too much LC until I heal completely..
  4. challenge
    Thanks for the advice babes. I already told her I want to spend my life with her, but it probably bears repeating at least once. I don't trust she would string me along, she's a very caring person. I'll just go with the flow. I hope it isn't too early to start interacting again, I know I'm not completely healed, and I don't have myself back yet, but that will be a slow process for me anyway, as I don't know exactly what I want with my life, other then to spend it with her. I hope your ex comes to his senses about the debt, but if not, it's his guilt, not yours. You're so much better off.
  5. challenge
    She invited me to a holiday family dinner. I don't know... am I a friend or a boyfriend? She misses me like hell, maybe I should just let her miss me. Bu the holiday could be a great opportunity. Any thoughts? I think it may be promising, but won't affect things one way or another.. I guess the worst thing that could happen is it's awkward..
  6. challenge
    I did it. I sent the email. I slept on it, and still feel the same way I felt yesterday. I love this woman.
  7. challenge
    I think I'm gonna call.. She'll never call me otherwise, she's waiting for me to tell her it's OK to. How will she know if I dont tell her? Losing restraint!
  8. challenge
    Wow, it feels like it's been years since we split. I feel bad about our last interaction, because I told her I was doing NC because it was difficult because I love her. She's so sneaky, coming to my house like that. I think I gave her power back, and I feel lower because of it. I'd like to send an email to let her know I'm "OK", not wallowing. I need the house keys that she kept, so I was thinking I could ask for them back, or write an email. She's just holding all the cards now, which feels draining. Also, she'll never contact me again until I let her know I'm "OK", since until I do she will assume I am still finding the whole situation "hard". right? Oh, and I really miss her.
  9. challenge
    feel empty. cry throughout every day going on two months now. can't believe she could do this to me, never, ever thought she would. As time is going by the reality is starting to set in. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I took her for granted. Didn't commit enough. Didn't work hard enough at my career, got complacent in the relationship. I got what I deserved; I haven't earned happiness.
  10. challenge
    Today is better then the days before. It's hard, but getting easier to get through the day without thinking too much about missing her. When I'm alone I can't get her out of my head, but that's natural after a breakup. I read some other threads on this site that helped me alot. The most helpful idea is to break up with the ex in your mind. It's hard to do, because I know it's fake, and hearing from her would bring it down immediately, but it helps get through the day. I think that if I can get to the point that I wouldn't want her back, I'll be ready to speak to her again. Even though I want to spend my life with her, why should I have to convince her I'm worth it? But just in case I'll work on myself to make sure I am, for myself. I think that if we ever got back together I would probably resent her, unless she apologized profusely. Which I doubt. must let go, dammit.
  11. challenge
    Feeling empty. Just trying to find things to fill the hole she left behind. Really feel bad. I know she will contact me, but sometimes I doubt if this is the best thing for us. I feel like I should be at least checking in with her, to let her know I still care about us. I know I won't heal if I stay in contact, but might I ruin any chance for reconciliation by acting like I don't want to contact her? Maybe I'm just not ready for this. I think I'm hurting her, and coming off apathetic. I wonder if I should just try at least once to really get her back, just so she knows I'm not a pansy quitter(or don't care to fight for her). The last thing I said was "I miss you", and some other needy rubbish. I want us to work out more than anything in my life, so I just want to make absolute certain I don't make a mistake. I'm serious about healing, improving myself, AND reconciling. I'll hopefully make it to 30 days, then reflect, if she doesn't break contact first (which I suspect will occur).
  12. challenge
    unsurescot, I have heard that it takes two months for every year, but in my experience it takes about twice that, though the wound is always sore to the touch, no matter how much time elapses. Tonight is hard because I didn't plan any activities and am stuck with my own thoughts. I have a question for those out there wiser than myself in these matters. I know that No Contact is NOT a solution to win an ex back, but my question is, what if I DO want to reconcile with her, should I be in contact in a few weeks, or just ignore her completely until I heal? I guess it depends on the situation, but I don't think I'll be able to heal by the time she intends to give the relationship another try in a few months. She just wants some space right now, but she's really missing me. Feel bad not being there for her, since she's there for me if I need to talk. She stopped by my house a few days ago, bereft and desperate to know if I was angry. Ofcourse I wasn't but it felt good to know she cares. I have alot of issues to take care of with myself, which could take years, career-wise, home-wise, ect, so I just hope if I try my hardest things will work out. I pray they will, and hope for the best for you all too. Gotta believe things happen for a reason in times like these.
  13. challenge
    This will be my 4th day since she broke contact, so I started over. Today I felt like $#!+, but yesterday was worse. I always thought people with suicidal thoughts were ridiculous, but I've thought about it every day. Not just the breakup, but everything else in my life is equally miserable. So many sources of mental pain at the same time so suddenly is not easy to cope with. I've never been so genuinely happy as I was with her. But I know that if she felt halfway as strongly as I do (or halfway as miserable) she would be here with me now. But her life was improved by the breakup as much as mine was destroyed. The only person in the world you can depend on is yourself. I hate being so dependent on somebody else for happiness, but there you go. Exterior conditions influence one's happiness. Would drink if I could afford it. A low day for me.
  14. challenge
    She always does this. I start to heal and she pops back into my life. Stopped by my house because she thought I was angry because of the no-contact /no-response. It was confusing, and awkward. I was completely unprepared and off-guard, but I managed through it, and tried to stay dignified, but did tell her I miss her. I said it's hard to respond because I love her so much. I didn't want show weakness and mention "healing" at all. I don't know what to think really. Nothing has changed, but she seems to REALLY miss me. Which is understandable. But she can't have her cake and eat it. She can't be independent and have me for support at the same time. It's not fair to me. It just amazes me how the breakup is having more of it's intended effect on me then it is for her. She is confused, and bereft. And she caught me in the middle of my anger phase, moving toward acceptance. Back to day one. Any advice, beyond the usual NC? This is a new experience for me.
  15. challenge
    Not sure of the day, probably around 13 or 12. I feel better today, but on edge. I feel a little stronger, like after this is all over nothing will be able to get through to me. It's a hardening experience, like I just want renounce that beautiful, funny, wonderful b!+c# and forget about love altogether. I really am going to work on my own life after all this, and forget about the female species. I might screw 'er sometime down the line, but I don't feel like I could open up my heart again, after having it skewered and stomped on. If she could do this to me, ANYBODY would. On a side note, I noticed that listening to comedy improv really has a positive effect on me. It's the only thing that gets me to smile. If anybody's interested in some good mood-lifting comedy send me a note and I'll get back. My mind is clearing up a little bit, and when I get the urge to cry no tears come out, just a sort of dry heave, and an empty pain. woe is me.. Seriously, I've cried maybe 5-10 times in my entire life. Now I cry daily. Didn't even realize the extent of my feelings for her. If things don't work out between us, I'm really going to miss her. Luckily I'm blessed with terrible memory.
  16. challenge
    Ryan, I know exactly how you feel. For somebody to just throw you away, especially when you love them is that much worse. Like a piece of spoiled meat. It makes me jaded about love, and ever wanting it again. Don't want to exist right now. Even the best, most caring person can destroy the person they love without flinching, and that scares me. I wish she could taste even a tiny portion of the hell I'm in right now. Yet even with all the pain, I promised myself I wouldn't let her break me, so I'll keep going. Can't wait to go to bed, my dreams are my only escape.
  17. challenge
    I'm feeling a little bit better today. It's important to stay busy and social at times like these. I desire to have her contact me, but I know it would set me back more than anything. I am starting to forget about her, which is sad. I forget her face, her voice, and her personality, but I'll try not to agonize over what she's doing or thinking. It's not in my control. Still want total closure, to relieve the anxiety, but if she never contacts me I'll take that as a statement; I don't owe her contact if she dumped me and ignores me. If this relationship is meant to be then it will still be there in a few months, I'm not going to rush into a conversation until I'm completely healed, because without a clear mind a good resolution will never be reached. I hope there is no ill will from her in this whole NC situation. I know she felt hurt that I hadn't contacted her or answered her calls, but she left me, right? Now I have to figure out what I want to do with my life all alone, which is actually really hard for me, because I tend to let women make my decisions. I hope when I finally figure myself out she is still there to care. I have to admit I'm holding on to the hope of healing, then reconciling in a few months, after we've both had space. My gut tells me this is over, but I'll wait and see because I value the relationship so much. It's hard for me to make decisions right now without considering how it might affect our possible future together. For instance, would I move, if I knew it would remove any possibility of getting back together? Would I start a new relationship? One issue on my NC, is she still has my house keys. I don't know how to get them back without breaking contact or seeming bitter. But that would cut the last thread that gives her security. Maybe I'll just let her keep them.. as a memento. "The door is always open.." Have to stop overthinking things, if you guys have any advice, I'd be glad to have others think for me, as I've been incapable of rational thought for the last few weeks..
  18. challenge
    Feel physically and mentally paralyzed with depression when I don't hear from her. I know this is 100 times easier for her, because she has a huge support structure. She'll get through it fine, while I wait for any scraps of attention. It's going to take a long time to get back on my feet. Just wish for some closure, instead of everything being up in the air, because even in the far-off chance that we do reconcile, I will be so bitter at that point that the relationship will be completely tarnished. Wish it would all end.
  19. challenge
    Still on my first day restarting the challenge. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this yet. I know NC is the best route, but now I've broken it, and my feelings for her have bubbled right back up. I can never interact with her unless she wants to reconcile, otherwise I'll never heal, and I can't reconcile unless I heal, thereforee I can't interact until I heal. I just hate hurting her with NC. I need to work on me. Hopefully she leaves me alone, but I doubt it. This is really difficult. I can't stand the mixed signals. If she would just stop giving me hope I could have closure and move on! But she can't move on yet because I'm her best friend, so she'll try to use me to get through this tough time. I need to take the power back a little bit, and figure out where I'm going. I won't make the mistake of contact again, PERIOD.
  20. challenge
    Made it 18 days, but I had to talk tonight. Felt quasi-suicidal, so I deemed it the least of my troubles. I played it very cool, and enjoyed talking. However I'm extremely lucky I didn't say anything to hurt my position. I think that's the best one can hope for in this situation. NC is extremely effective, but I think it's important to clarify to the ex that you don't do NC out of hatred or anger, and you say this with your attitude, not your words. These 18 days have felt like 18 painful years. It feels like holding your breath for days. I know now that she misses me. I should have assumed that. I'll just continue no contact, and see where things lead. So in closing, I don't regret talking tonight, because I feel like I was in the driver's seat emotionally. However it does send a mixed signal because it's inconsistent. She'll just have to assume I'm busy, which I am. I just hope I didn't hurt any future chances by being available. Praying for the best.
  21. challenge
    Quick update. She called. I didn't answer. Feel better. Power balance feels different. rollercoaster ride continues.
  22. challenge
    Day 14. Woke up with hard lump in stomach. Never felt so depressed. Every other thought drifts to jumping out a window. Job is horrible, stuck in an apartment with unaffordable rent, economy is collapsing, and completely, completely alone. She already expects me not to contact her because I accidentally announced NC, but all I want to do is hear her voice, just a glimmer of hope is all I need. She will last longer than I will, she has a giant support structure of friends and family and is living for free. You never know true depression until you've lost true happiness. I need to get my house keys back too. Guess I'll wait until the 30 days are up to ask, but I'll be a mess long after that, unless she sends me some form of contact (but even that high is only temporary). Sorry to be such a failure at this point, but I want to be with her more than anything, and this challenge doesn't feel right to me, it feels like I should be talking to her, being her friend, because I do love her. I'm going to find it very difficult to find myself while I'm sinking into debt and depression. Every day feels worse, but hearing her happy and moved-on will only make things worse, so I'll carry on with the challenge. On the bright side, I met a hot girl where I work, and might ask her out this weekend. The female attention was really comforting, but temporary. I want to prove I can do this, and be alone and happy, but I feel like I lost my best friend, along with her family, which, in a sense became my family. Will try to stay strong, won't allow this to break me. Thanks for creating this community. I trust the wisdom on this thread, and will try to learn from other's mistakes.
  23. challenge
    SuperDave, this is day 9 of my challenge, and so far so miserable.. I just read to the part in the forums where you say NEVER NEVER announce NC. I started out by telling my ex this, and now she says she will leave me be "to heal". Did I just screw this up? I said I wanted to talk to her but I couldn't just be friends with somebody I'm in love with. Too much information? I really want to contact her, we still have to settle some things, and I know she still loves me and wants to be friends. Maybe it's fine to start the challenge over since I already blew it from the start...
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